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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

T think DP is being utterly pathetic about school trousers?

83 replies

MrsTWay · 05/08/2010 12:49

DP and I have only been living together for just under a year. He has an 11 year old DD who lives with us and I have a 9 year old DS. I have a Next catalogue and DP expressed a wish to buy his DD some school trousers from it. Normally I would never allow anyone to get credit in my name but for £12 each it would hardly get me in debt so I agreed. I always bought DS's school trousers from asda for about £5 each and said to DP that I wouldn't buy his from Next as they were too expensive, at 9 he would grow out of them and wreck them too fast. He agreed. However when his DD's trousers arrived I thought they were lovely, great quality and well worth the money so I decided to buy DS some from Next too rather than asda. His were only £9 each so not that much more than what I'd pay in asda.
I never thought to mention it to DP because a) its my catalogue. b) its my own money and c) its hardly a massive issue is it??
Anyway DP has kicked off saying it is totally unfair that DS also has trousers from Next as his DD has had to wait until she's at secondary school to get "expensive" trousers and so should DS!!! Isn't that totally pathetic??? I have only recently moved in so its hardly my fault that she has never had decent school trousers and why shouldn't I buy DS some from my own catalogue if I want to?? why should he have to wait until he's in secondary school just because DP never bought his DD some when she was younger???
And does it really matter where we buy the school trousers from???

Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsTWay · 05/08/2010 13:04

We both work and have roughly the same income but he's always skint because he buys silly things like take-aways etc. I always tend to have more money than him but only because I budget better. We do have the same income.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsTWay · 05/08/2010 13:06

He is also the same with grades. At the 7 year old sats his DD got a level 2 for maths. DS got a level 3 and DP insisted that the way they graded them had changed and that DS's school was just cheating the grades to make themselves look like a better school.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/08/2010 13:07

Serious question, OP

have you burned your boats (financially) by moving in together ?

Colliecross · 05/08/2010 13:09

Did you read my last post?

Original poster

MrsTWay · 05/08/2010 13:10

Not really, I was only renting before so I could go back to renting but I did get rid of a lot of my things. I could re-buy them I suppose but it will take time and cost me a fortune. We had known each other for a good few years before we moved in together and he's only turned like this since we did but this is the only issue we have, he seems so wierd about certain rules.

OP posts:

CerealOffender · 05/08/2010 13:10

i feel sorry for your ds. have you talked to him about this?

MamaVoo · 05/08/2010 13:11

Your partner is a dickhead. I wouldn't want to bring my DS up with that kind of role model.

Original poster

MrsTWay · 05/08/2010 13:11

Collie, yes I did - that's what reminded me of the SATs thing. He also keeps saying that his DD will go to uni but DS would be better off joining the army "for the discipline" and because he "probably wouldn't get into uni anyway" etc.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/08/2010 13:12

ok, sorry to pester

wingandprayer · 05/08/2010 13:12

This is sounding worse and worse . Are you happy in this relationship apart from this issue or is other stuff going on too? I imagine it is...

Colliecross · 05/08/2010 13:12

Yup, my ex was lovely until we moved in together.

Original poster

MrsTWay · 05/08/2010 13:13

I have talked to him and he turns it back onto me. Like with the school troursers he said "it was YOU who said you wouldn't buy his trousers from Next but like always you twist it and make out that I'm the bad guy. You always go back on your word" - We're talking about a couple of pairs of school trousers ffs and he makes it into a massive issue.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 05/08/2010 13:13

Bollocks to this. Alarm bells would be ringing.

I don't want to be alarmist but you are pretty vulnerable living in his house (speaking as someone who moved into CP's house, and regretted it. Personality changed as soon as i stepped over the threshold).

isthatporridgeinyourhair · 05/08/2010 13:13

I feel sorry for you and your DS. I would run for the hills.

AnyFucker · 05/08/2010 13:14

lots of red flags here, OP

I don't like this man, and I've never met him

Colliecross · 05/08/2010 13:15

i am worried for you. I have been in the same situation, and I see so plainly in retrospect what I should have done.
Your comments re army and discipline are the same exactly.

MamaVoo · 05/08/2010 13:16

Yes, cut your losses. For your son's sake as well as your own.

CerealOffender · 05/08/2010 13:17

what do your friends think of this man?

Colliecross · 05/08/2010 13:19

Also everything twisted round to mean something else, that isn't how it was, you always say the same things etc.

You end up doubting yourself.

he even told me dead pan it was such a weight off his mind when I found out about his girlfriend, it was a weight off his mind now I knew. Poor him, with that worrying him, what a shame.

MathsMadMummy · 05/08/2010 13:22

oh dear. it is so difficult being a step family isn't it. I have no experience of a fully fledged 'blended family' (i.e. where each parent has their own child before getting together) but I do know what it's like to be jealous of your stepkids... ashamed as I am to admit it. I used to find it so difficult to hear about how clever his DS was as a child, I was so worried - what if our children weren't so clever or well-behaved or blah blah blah as his children... what would that say about ME? it filled me with anxiety and we hadn't even had any children together yet!

but I'm pleased to say it didn't take me long to get over it and I love them so much and want the best for them, just as I do for our own children. but the one thing I've learned is that you both need to be honest with each other. it was only once I admitted to DH that yes, I was having trouble with my feelings, that I begun to get over them and become the stepmum I really wanted to be. HTH and reassures you.

maybe he's worried about appearing to favour your DS over his DD. it's not an excuse though. do the two kids get on ok?

I reckon if you want this to work out you will also have to have a big talk about your budget. getting worked up about a few quid is odd. you should also tell him that even when they are full siblings, you don't always have the same rules - e.g. DH's DDs had mobiles much younger than his DS, that's just part of the changes in society IMO.

Morloth · 05/08/2010 13:22

Time to go, he is going to fuck up your DS's head if he keeps on like this. Which is probably the idea that way he can have all your attention.

Original poster

MrsTWay · 05/08/2010 13:24

He won't mix with any of my friends because he "doesn't like them" (he's never met them)

Collie he's like that too, I found out about a credit card he'd been hiding from me and lying outright about and after he finally admitted it he said it was a relief that I had found out. They sound so similar!? His name didn't start with an S did it?

OP posts:

Colliecross · 05/08/2010 13:26

My kids never even told him their exam results; they knew what to expect by then, but he nagged until he found out. Then sulked massively.
My ex used to tell people my children had no friends, for example. I found this out when he said it to my BIL, who retorted "That's funny as his phone rang all the time when he stayed with us."

Colliecross · 05/08/2010 13:28

Yes!! Where are you? Sorry, don't say if you don't want to. I am in Devon.

sanielle · 05/08/2010 13:31

YANBU. I understand if your children were brought up together.. But it is unfair to make your child suffer for rules he created long before you were together. Will cause issues between your son and and DH and his daughter too I should think

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