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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that DH stalks me on MN talk

83 replies

griffaloschild · 04/08/2010 21:32

The other week I walked in to our living room and DH started quoting to me something I had posted on here.

I was a little taken aback and asked him what he was talking about. He went on to explain that he had been looking for threads that he could see I'd looked at (either highlighted or through history) and looking to see if and what I had posted.

I felt a little... well.. violated might be a bit strong...but you know what I mean. I said it felt like he had been looking at my diary/emails/texts but he said I was being very silly and that as it is a public forum it was fair game. My argument was that we don't use our real names, by and large, to preserve some anonymity.

AIBU?

p.s. hello DH hope you enjoyed this one!

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 04/08/2010 23:42

so anyone else,and their dh can read posts?not op husband?errr is that because mn is so small and hasnt got big ole traffic or high visibility or links to daily mail or fb twitter links

if you drag the detritus of your life about a public forum anyone can read it.makes it fair game.cant disbar dh

MmeLindt · 04/08/2010 23:44

Scottishmummy
I don't actually write anything on MN that I would not like my DH to read - or not often anyway. Still, I would not be impressed with him checking up on me by reading my posts. Not because I have anything to hide, or because I do not discuss things with him, but because it is like having a conversation with friends.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/08/2010 23:45

Yes of course anyone can read it - but no-one knows who you are unless you choose to share that.

scottishmummy · 04/08/2010 23:47

mn isnt cosy inimate chat with friends.is open accessible and reproducible to many.dont you recall the dm furore,stories reproduced in public domain.if one really believes mn is like friends chatting that is seriously off mark

ChippingIn · 04/08/2010 23:49

Yes it's on the WWW anonymously a space where you should be able to say what you want, about who you want - including your DH without having it thrown back at you in RL>

It's an invasions of privacy/breach of trust.

scottishmummy · 04/08/2010 23:52

no it isnt.you offer it up publicly,anyone inc dh reads

if it were member only/closed and he strayed in,then perhaps feel aggrieved.cant be ok sharing with all and sundry but not dh.or if you dont want him reading maybe be more careful.but cant single him out as unwarranted reader when you let all and sundry read

MmeLindt · 04/08/2010 23:58

Ok, the friends analogy was not correct.

What I meant was, when I speak to friends, or post on MN I sometimes act differently to how I would be with DH. In the same way that men get together and talk about women, sometimes the chat on MN can get a bit rowdy or silly.

I don't go out and sit in the next booth and listen in to his conversations when he has a Men's Night Out.

And there is a difference to posting anonymously on a forum to knowing that your DH will read every word and know that it is you.

ChippingIn · 05/08/2010 00:00

MmeLindt - of course there is, but some people will refuse to acknowledge that, so I give up.

OP YANBU

Night....

Heracles · 05/08/2010 00:23

Why don't you set up separate User Accounts on your computer? It only takes seconds to switch and your anonymity is guaranteed.

phoenixflower · 05/08/2010 08:13

Out of interest, how would one delete their user history etc so posts etc can't be searched?

mumblechum · 05/08/2010 08:20

phoenix You can't, I don't think. You can delete your history on your pc, but if someone knows your user name they can do a MN search for every post ever made under that name.

phoenixflower · 05/08/2010 08:21

thanks mumblechum. Luckily, my MN name is still a secret from him so looks like I am safe for now < makes note to delete internet history though incase >

mumblechum · 05/08/2010 08:36

Unfortunately Mumblechum is one of dh's pet names for me so he once googled it & found our entire life, all secrets etc exposed on here . He just did the eyerolling thing.

Original poster

griffaloschild · 05/08/2010 08:47

Alibabaandthe40nappies - you are spot on, he is worried that I'm slagging him off on here - he said as much. I haven't though (unless you include this which he is most welcome to look at) - don't usually have anything to moan about.

I can't be bothered with the hassle of changing names, passwords, logins etc. I've not got anything to hide from him so he can read it all if he likes. TBH I don't think he would look at texts etc, because he wouldn't want me to look at his, and he has quite a strong sense of equality between us. E.g. if he was on a forum he'd be happy for me to read his posts - he agrees with scottishmummy! I must admit I had shown him a thread in the past that was relevant to a prob we were having with DS, so maybe that gave him the green light to look at anything else.

It was more the covert nature of the act that got to me.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/08/2010 09:02

If he is worried you are slagging him off then he needs to look to himself, not have a go at you for posting and be checking up on you. A man who is that insecure needs to sort himself out.

Whatever it is that he thinks you might moan about, he knows what it is that he is or isn't doing I am sure!

So, Mr Griffalo - if you are the model husband then you've got nothing to worry about

NetworkGuy · 05/08/2010 09:50

Well, if you use Firefox, you can get the history listed and simply zap all references to Mumsnet. Or, simply open a new window and then under 'Tools' choose to "Start Private Browsing".

Desription for Firefox browsing:

In a private browsing session, Firefox won't keep any browser history, search history, download history, web form history, cookies, or temporary internet files. However, files you download and bookmarks you make will be kept.

On Google Chrome - on a thread link, right-click, and choose 'Open link in incognito window' - you will now see an empty window, with a dark border and the outline of some guy wearing a hat, like some 'spy'

Browsing in incognito mode only keeps Google Chrome from storing information about the websites you've visited. The websites you visit may still have records of your visit. Any files saved to your computer will still remain on your computer.

I feel sure Microsoft's Internet Explorer browser also has similar "private" mode.

On one hand the OP should not need to feel her activity on MN could be monitored, and these features have been added for "hiding" browsing activity - perhaps from a "shame" point of view, but for someone (not the OP) needing to be able to research where she might go - eg a women's refuge - it could provide the opportunity without risk of the history giving away those searches and websites visited). Do please, if you see someone in need, mention the possibility of searching 'incognito'. However, please remember that 'favourites' (aka 'bookmarks') are not guaranteed to be safe from viewing hours or day later.

AngelsOnHigh · 05/08/2010 10:02

Just what I was going to say. Just delete your browsing history.

2rebecca · 05/08/2010 10:04

I'd delete browsing history and set up mumsnet so it doesn't remember your password and change your user name.
If it was a 1 off it wouldn't bother me but as a regular thing I'd feel checked up on and would be telling my husband to get on with his own life and stop examining mine.

pithyslicker · 05/08/2010 10:07

So if everyones DH was posting about his life on a forum no one would try and read it? You'd all respect his privacy?

proudnsad · 05/08/2010 10:08

Ok my dh would rather stick pins in his knob than read my wibblings on MN.

Your dh is a) controlling b) paranoid c) Bored d) secretly lurking with a problem he is dying to share with us all but hasn't quite got the bottle up yet.

sanielle · 05/08/2010 10:11

I might be tempted Pityslicker but certainly wouldn't comment on it..

Harryan · 05/08/2010 10:11

mumblechum thats funny

My DH does the eye rolling thing too when mn is ever mentioned lol.

I don't think he would ever be bothered to look see what I have posted etc.

But then again, Although I have been a member for a while I have only been a lurker until recently.
So DH probably thinks I don't post anyway

BaronessBomburst · 05/08/2010 10:22

NetworkGuy - That works just so long as your husband doesn't load up one of those keystroke things. Mine did, and even got into my email when I used an internet cafe, because he knew the password. No idea if he still does it - I've got nothing to hide anyway, but it is frustrating if I'm chatting to a girlfriend about personal things or relationships and I can't always say what I want, just in case....

foureleven · 05/08/2010 10:29

I wouldnt mind him knowing what I had writen because he knows my views and my mind anyway. But I'd lose a hell of a lot of respect for him for looking.

AnyFucker · 05/08/2010 10:50

BB...and you are still married to this guy ?

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