To think that the choices that you make as a teenager determine the rest of your life?

[poshsinglemum]

And how happy you will be?

Yet many teenagers make foolish choices. As a teenager I did work hard at A-levels but I was clueless about what career I wanted. I have settled on being a teacher but in retropect I'd liek to have been a doctor, lawyer of hotshot journalist.
It was at the age of 16 when I got involved with my very abusive ex and that has set the scene for my future relationships. I have had a difficult time with men ever since.
I think I was abit of a rebel to be honest and didn't want to listen to my parents at all.

I drank a bit and tried weed which messed my head up.

My sister was a very straight-laced teen and knew exactly that she wanted to be a doctor and is now a highly succesful psychiatrist. My parents thought there was something wrong with her as she spent her teens reading Jane Austin novels on the couch whereas I was down the pub shagging boys. Fair play to her. She's the one who has got the best life now.

I just wish I had made better life choices back then and yet I am filled with nostalgia for my fun-filled teens.

Having said that- I hope dd turns out like my dsis and not like me. I would love her to ba and Austen reading teen.

I will basically tell her what I got up to and say ''well if you really want to end up like me then go for it and rebel but I'm sure you'd rather be like your amazing auntie!''

worst teen fuck ups,hmm that rules me out.i was geek of the week every week

that made me laugh oblomov... teenage years were all about sex, weren't they !!!!

Up to a point, YABU.

I think, of the choices you make at that point in your life, some will be irreversible and affect your life forever - others can be changed later if you decide that's the way to go.

A lot depends on your own mindset - whether or not you feel you are in charge of your life, or that things just happen to you and there's not much you can do about it.

I made a couple of major decisions in my teens that have affected my life forever (irreversible) but the rest have only influenced things. I have made the best of my choices and used them to personal advantage, if not financial.

My mother, otoh, had decisions made for her by her parents - and never felt able to break free to do what she felt she could have done, given the right opportunities. She spent most of her adult life resenting her thwarted ambitions.

My DH chose not to go on with school past 15 - he left and got a job. But when he was 27, he decided that a degree would be a good thing to have after all - so he did one. He could have sat and said "ah, I wish I'd gone to Uni when I had the chance, but it's too late now" - but no, he got out of his rut and took the bull by the horns - net result, he has a degree and a much better job with better prospects.

no scottish, totally geeky is just as bad ! you SHOULD have been out partying, drinking and shagging !!

kiwi, only if you didn't get enough of it

i wasnt though was i.was a girls girl,and studious.my boy radar was switched off til Uni

I think it's more important to focus on current position, and future plans. I left school at 16, did different jobs, worked as photographer, then went to uni aged 25. Was made redundant from my dream job a few weeks back, and am 5 months pregnant, so now planning to do an MSc (Open University - takes longer but costs SO much less!) so can get back into what I was working in, but at a higher level, once DC is in school. No matter what happened in the past, each of us has a future. I sometimes regret leaving school when I did, as it meant leaving my peer group, but I didn't want to go to uni then as I didn't know what I wanted to do. Now I do know, hence the further study to get there.

going to uni isn'the be-all-and-end-all.
as i was too busy not getting any sex at all, my dh was out shagging for england. he's such a nice bloke girls were fighting to be his girlfriend. he has almost no qualifications. is the most quick witted, best people person manager, i know. been all over the world, driving cars at the monaco grand prix etc tec. md of a nice company. had a ball.

life hasn't been that tough, for a no a- leveller !! loads of multi millionaries have no degrees. doesn't richard farleigh the dragons den, multi millionarie, financer, have no much academics.

tis not most important thing.

Where I see my 'fuck up' as you say is the following.

I grew up in a nice village. With good honest parents. When I was 17 they gave me a load of money they had been saving for me. They insisted some of it was used to pay for driving lessons (they paid for my licence and tests out of their own pocket), but the rest was mine for a high interest savings account for the 'big things in life'. I did A levels and went to Uni. Got a degree (2:2 in Sociology so not amazing, but still a degree non-the-less). I came home after uni, got myself a job in an office, left home to live in a bedsit in town. Now it goes wrong.

By this time I had already pretty much spent my savings. Some of it went to people I lent it to (for a holiday) and when I got it back I didnt put it back in. The rest just whittled away, £100 here £50 there soon adds up. My parents didnt know. Back in 2001 my mum offered to go half's on a small house/flat with me which I would live in to get me on the housing ladder. Obviously as I had no money I said no.

I met DH, who came from a poor background and did not have any money. He left school as soon as he could and hasnt really got a career to speak of. Infact he is one of the laziest people I know. (He's got so many good qualities that I love about him, unfortunately his laziness - to which he admits - is his worst quality and effects other areas of him). He's only had the odd temporary job here and there. When I got PG with DS he said he wanted to be the SAHP and I thought Id give it a go.

We got a council house, which is a hole and needs quite a bit of work still. I went to work while DH stayed at home. I got made redundant while on maternity leave with DD in 2008. Since then Ive been having difficulty trying to get something as good that I feel happy in (Ive had the odd temp job, but nothing substantial). DH doesnt work and TBH I really dont know if he ever will. The house is a mess as DH doesnt ever want to try to sort it out. He says that it will never be really nice so what can we really do. I say well we dont help, we need to finish sorting it out. I feel as though its my turn to be the SAHP, but DH will NOT get off his fat arse and get a job himself (sorry bit of a rant there ) and he doesnt seem interested in sorting the house out. His parents house isnt exactly the cleanest house, whereas my parents are really on top of all the decorating etc.

All I want is to live in a nice house, in a nice street with enough money to be able to pay for things when something goes wrong or breaks. Its not happening, the only way I see out of it is a lottery win (realistically not going to happen) so now Ive got to figure out what to do now. I dont know what I want to do with myself and dont know where to start. I have thought while Im out of work ATM Im going to get the house sorted so its as nice as it can be (I might even throw some things out that DH wont) then look for a good job, what in I dont know.

I do often wonder to myself if I could have done better for myself, but then I think Ive chosen this path. I could see before DS that DH was a lazy twat person and I should get rid. I could have tried harder to sort the house out sooner (if only I hadnt been working full time before I might have done), but we have done so much. the previous tenants got kicked out so made the house a right mess that has been left to us to sort out. Ive spent the last few weeks getting really upset about this, but have now decided especially since reading this thread that I can do something about my life and I will. Just got to figure out what now.

Thanks everyone.

PS sorry that was long

Fartblossom, don't the council have a responsibility to sort out the house? Is it just decorating it needs, or structural stuff as well? I would have thought, if the latter, that the council should be dealing with it.

ARe there any council-run free classes left in the UK or have they all been cut now? There used to be ones in computing and basic book keeping skills, iirc.

I know that it's a seemingly impossible ideal but your DH has to get off his backside and help out in practical ways - what would he do if you did threaten to kick him out?

I think, at the grand old age of 27 I am figuring out that actually people don't become adults in their own minds until they reach around about the 25-ish year old mark.

I spent my GSCE years laid up in bed due to ill health, knew my exams were up the wall, didn't want to go back to 'school' (college) so started a hairdressing NVQ, for 6 months I swept up hair and made coffee for clients, learnt sod all about hairdressing other than what I'd read in magazines etc. and got £80 a week for doing it.

In that time, at 17 I'd moved in with DH, we got married, we moved out of my home town, had our three boys, and life passed by for years without anything really getting in the way.

Then at 25, I found myself in the uncomfortable position, married for the best part of 10 years, 3 kids, a house to look after, no time for me, we've moved so many times I have no friends, no family for 100's of miles, and pretty much heading deeper into the cave that I couldn't find my way out of.

However, slowly I am finding my way, since April this year I have been studying, nothing major, but something I am very interested in, I have got top marks all the way through, so I have already 'passed', I've two more assignments (will be done before the end of the summer hols) and then I can call myself qualified.

I have an appointment at the job centre on the 25th Aug, to see if they can give me any advice on starting my own business, and if they can't then I am hoping they can tell me where to go for the advice.

By christmas I am hoping to have got the business off the ground, and whilst I'm not expecting to be making any profit, I'll be doing something for me, that's not being a mum, that will hopefully eventually lead to me being finacially independant, and that no one can say I don't bloody deserve!

Did my teenage years lead me here? I don't know, but whatever did, I am becoming more and more glad of it

Fartblossom, I'm sorry that you feel you've fucked up. You haven't, but I am sorry that you think you have.

I understand why you want your dh to change but you can't make yourself happy by trying to change someone else. It doesn't work, and if you will only be happy when he sorts the house/gets a job then you could be waiting to be happy for a very long time.

The only person that you can change is you. You can do nothing; you can sort the house and/or get a job yourself; you can leave your dh. You may find that your dh gets himself sorted if you leave, but he might not; so only go if you really want to. Don't make threats that you aren't prepared to carry out.

What matters most to you right now? If it's the house, tackle one room at a time, an area at a time. 15 minutes will clear a counter top. Repairs are up to the council but you can redecorate - paint is relatively cheap and easy to apply.

Or do you want a job? What would you love to do? Can you take further training to add to your degree? Would you like to start your own business? Get as much information as you can and then you can get a plan together whereby you can go for that lovely house in a nice street. Cut out pictures from magazines etc so that you have a visual reminder of what it is that you are going for.

Decide what it is that you want, work out what you will need to do to get there and take one step each day towards it.

As for leaving dh.... that's your call.

HTH

Spiritmum

Thanks for the advice. Im not planning on leaving DH (for now ) as he has got so many other qualities. He's a good dad, he makes me laugh, he's there for me if I need him, he's a good listener, gives good advice and loads others. He's just a lazy sod.

I have decided its up to me now. I have been putting all the blame on DH, but now I think it is partly (probably mostly) my fault my life is the way it is. I dont have any regrets as such, I just sometimes wonder if I could have done so much better for myself.

In regards to further education its just the funding. I dont want to apply for something and not get the funding because there would be no way I could afford it, but I cant get funding unless I apply for it. I have thought about social work though its not the easiest job in the world from what I can see.

The house is mostly decorating, although there is the odd structual thing, but nothing that makes our house inhabitable. The council aren't very good at these types of repairs. We've had them out a few times for our downstairs toilet and all they do is plunge it then two days later it gets blocked again so we've started plunging it ourselves. I personnally think the whole of downstairs needs re-plumming.

I decided last week that this is it, its time to declutter the house so I have been doing the odd thing. I will get there. It may take a while, but it will happen.

In regards to working towards a nice house in a nice street. That's not going to happen as I have got no way of getting a good enough size of deposit, plus no-one will give me a mortgage due to my horrendous credit history (another way I have messed up my life). No Ive got to sort this house out and all our stuff thats accumulated over the last 5 years and make the best of it. That's now my plan.

I know it sounds like Im desperately unhappy with my life and I was until a few days ago, but I have now made a small plan (one step at a time) and feel much better within myself.

Sorry to have hijacked this thread. You can have it back now OP

The problem with the mistakes that I made, especially the abusive relationship is that I feel that I was damaged in some way and although I have built myself back up and got my degree etc I still feel a hole in my soul somewhere.
I lay in bed last night terrified that I would always be a fuck up. Obviously dd isn't a fuck up but the choice of father is and obviosly as a single mum, working part time I don't feel like I have ''achieved'' anything.
I am scared that every time I am doing really well I will press the self-destruct button; because that is what I have done so far.
The first time I went to Uni I got really far and got selected to go on an expedition in the Caribbean in the first year but because I was stupid enough not to dump my abusive partner I had to drop out of teh second year because I was so ill and too ashamed to stay on.
Sorry to go on; am going round in circles.

No worries, fartblossom!

You sound happy with your dh in so many ways. It's cool that you realise that there is no point in making yourself sad about the stuff that annoys you.

With regards to retraining, do something you love if you can. Are you in touch with your local careers people etc?

And don't lose the dream of that nice house...The thing about having goals is that we think we have to achieve them, but we don't, we just have to go for them. So long as you take those steps each day, who knows what you can achieve?

Have fun!

Spiritmum

I just wish I had the emotional support; someone helping me to realise my dreams would be great but I guess we are the only peopl who can do that for ourselves.

Poshsingle, I run a web-based spiritual course (non-religious) for mums that includes meditation, visualization etc and also questioning your thinking and changing old patterns. Because my course is new I'm offering it for £1 in exchange for feedback on whether it works. It includes e-mail support from me.

I'm sorting out my paid-for advertising on Mumsnet right now, but in the meantime if you or anyone wants to CAT me I can send out a link.

Hope no-one minds me putting this here - I know that talk boards aren't meant for business promotion but I really can't think of any way of letting anyone know that this is on offer. Anyway, £1 a pop isn't exactly 'business'...

psm i think you need to externalise less hoping someone/something else sorts you out.bulk of this is down to you,it really is
bulk of your posts are still rooted in past and other people
be reflective but not maudlin
look for themes/triggers/cues in your life.any recurrent patterns.once identified what can you do to avoid them
you cannot change the past but can alter your present

good luck in what you chose,and less focus on past, past boyfriends/parents.look at here and now

fartblossom - I wasn't suggesting you actually kick your DH out - I had picked up on the fact that you love him and everything else about him was good - just that you threaten him with it if he doesn't get his act together. Except then you might have to follow through when you don't want to, which wouldn't be a good thing. What else would put a rocket up his bum?

i found this thread i think it deserves some attention
Offensive men's t-shirt sold by Peacocks

I know you weren't thumbwitch, but to me when I read it, it does sound like I dont have much other option to get him to change. Ive tried that before and he says he will get a job or whatever, but then he doesnt do anything. Apart from actually carrying out the threat Im a bit stuck with that really. Right now Im waiting for him to want something we cant afford, but of course there isnt any is there? Typical. He's quite happy with going without.

I just confirming why I wouldnt want to get rid especially when I know so many women wouldnt put up with it like the mug that I am

Fartblossom, ignore me if I'm getting repetitive, but you can't change someone else, he has to want to change himself.

Maybe if you change he'll wake up and realize what he's missing out on. Maybe. And if he doesn't, that's his business too. But you will have changed, which can only be good.

As for not wanting stuff, my goodness I would love to be like that! It is such a free way to live! Wanting stuff you can't have is so depressing. No wonder he chooses to do otherwise! He's 'happy going without'. Happy! Why would he want to make himself unhappy then?

spiritmum