To think that the choices that you make as a teenager determine the rest of your life?

[poshsinglemum]

And how happy you will be?

Yet many teenagers make foolish choices. As a teenager I did work hard at A-levels but I was clueless about what career I wanted. I have settled on being a teacher but in retropect I'd liek to have been a doctor, lawyer of hotshot journalist.
It was at the age of 16 when I got involved with my very abusive ex and that has set the scene for my future relationships. I have had a difficult time with men ever since.
I think I was abit of a rebel to be honest and didn't want to listen to my parents at all.

I drank a bit and tried weed which messed my head up.

My sister was a very straight-laced teen and knew exactly that she wanted to be a doctor and is now a highly succesful psychiatrist. My parents thought there was something wrong with her as she spent her teens reading Jane Austin novels on the couch whereas I was down the pub shagging boys. Fair play to her. She's the one who has got the best life now.

I just wish I had made better life choices back then and yet I am filled with nostalgia for my fun-filled teens.

Having said that- I hope dd turns out like my dsis and not like me. I would love her to ba and Austen reading teen.

I will basically tell her what I got up to and say ''well if you really want to end up like me then go for it and rebel but I'm sure you'd rather be like your amazing auntie!''

ivykaty44- You are right in that I am not happy with my life right now and I have no idea what to do about it. The future seems very uncertain.
Yes- I have a georgeous daughter but I always wanted to get married and have two children. I have no more trust in men.
I am a qualified teacher but I stupidly got pregnant during my NQT year and had a big falling out with my management. Basically I felt that I was discriminated against due to pregnancy. Being a single mum isn't a great role model for impressionable young men is it?
My parents always made it very clear that being a doctor was ''the'' thing to be and I do feel that I have fallen short somewhat. Ironically it was their fixation on this career that made me rebel.

I do poor me a lot recntly and I am being introspective. Sorry-it's boring!

scottishmummy what is QTS?

psm you need to stop attributing all life woes to other people.parents/loser boyfriends.you cant change your past,you can influence your present.all this mum and dad said....my god woman how old are you

you are a graduate
you love your dd
external attributions wont chase your malaise away
you want change you gotta shake to it

qts=qualified teacher status

thank you.

psm... you might be surprised at how amazing your dd thinks you are!! The grass always looks greener on the other side - so to speak. Have you considered how hard your sister was working while you were out having fun? Do you understand her workload / what must be on her mind at the end of the day while you are snuggled up with your dd?

My sister and I have ended up very differently as well - although we had the same upbringing, I did well at school and she hated school. Now, her and her dh are both well-paid professionals who save hard and are always travelling yet I'm at home, with kids, and do a bit of teaching for pocket money. I would love to wake up at lunch-time on the weekend or enjoy a lazy brunch out... but I wouldn't give up my dds for it .

I feel so sad reading this thread. What is it about being a mum that means that we think we have to settle for second best?

We always have a choice, and if we can do nothing else we can always change our thinking. Everything we believe is a subjective judgement. So if we tell ourselves, 'my life is crap', that is the story we believe.

So that also means that we can stop the recordings in our heads and change them. If you want to tell yourself that your life is great, then you can. If you want to make your reality a world where things only get better for you, you can. For example, if you do a job that you don't like, you do have a choice about quitting it, even if that would mean that you lose your home. The choice you make is to keep your home, provide for your kids etc, so you keep doing the job. Just switching your thinking to 'I have a choice' is a step towards having a better life.

With regards to relationships, the only person whose love and approval that you need is your own. Framing your world so that you need the love and approval of others only ever leads to sadness, because maybe they won't love and approve of you, at least not in the way that you want. And when you don't require things of others then you are free to love them unconditionally.

I understand about the feeling of 'wasting' talent, I made what I thought for a long time were 'bad choices' as a teen. But they played a huge part in making me what I am now. I can look at them clear-eyed and see that they have made me more aware. And at 39 I'm embarking on the career of my dreams - it's only too late if you don't start now.

As for not knowing what to do, a good rule of thumb is to work out what you love, and do more of it. Works out just as well for jobs, recreation, what to cook for dinner...

We are all responsible for our own happiness. Life throws at us things that make that very, very challenging - I know that. I've had times when I hated life, hated my family, hated myself. But I give nothing and nobody the power to take away my right to decide for myself whether to find happiness/peace/contentment. It begins and ends with me. And if I can't change what is going on around me, I can at least change what I think about it.

KarmaAngel: if you really want to be a journalist try approaching local papers and free mags to do pieces for free to build up a portfolio. You don't need a degree to be a journalist but lots (and lots and lots) of persistence. No you're not going to walk into a paid job with the Times but most journalism graduates aren't going to either!

Ok career advice over

Well said spiritmum.

Oh god yes. If I had known then what I know now I would have listened to my parents and not gone to conservatoire at the age of 16 to study the violin, Dumbest decision I ever made, and VERY hard to reverse. I'm quite happy where I've ended up, but I would much rather have been the human rights lawyer I had set my heart on before being seduced by free music lessons (to trick me into attending so they could make up numbers in the conservatoire orchestra, grrr)

Thank you, fartblossom.

Poshsinglemum, I've had a few random thought about your posts.

You were never responsible for your parents' happiness. That was and is their responsibility alone.

You can't change what has happened in the past, but you can change what you think about it. We're not in the least bored by you talking about your past, but it really sounds to me like you are. So how about you find another story to tell yourself about it? What would it sound like? How does it look?

How about the story to tell yourself about personal relationships? Isn't it time to change that story, too? Not framed by what you believe about your past, but by your vision for your future?

Did you really 'settle' for being a teacher, or was that a wise choice in relation to caring for your dd?

Close your eyes and imagine what you really want your life to look like. What is it that you love to do? Okay, now go and find a way to do more of it.

HTH,

spritmum x

beanlet, why can't you be a human rights lawyer?

Karmaangel, have you thought about blogging? You could set up a site through Wordpress in minutes. This will give you a chance to hone your writing skills - you can blog about anything.

Then you can submit your articles to a site like ezinearticles. This doesn't pay but does get you exposure because you put links back to your blog at the end of the articles.

Some people (rarely) get book or magazine deals through their blogs. If your blog is popular you can sell advertising space on it. Get publicity for your blog through Twitter and Facebook.

You can include book reviews on your blog, and set up an affiliate scheme with Amazon so that people buy the books (and any other products)through you and you earn commission. It's not a lot, but I've started from nothing and it's nice to see something coming in!

You may or may not ever earn anything from your blog, but it will give you a body of work to draw upon as well as a load of enjoyment.

HTH

spiritmum

spiritmum -- too many expensive commitments (mortgages, kids, husband) to go back to being a student/start again on an entry level wage. Still, I can dream...

I totally agree, I totally buggered up my prospects as a teen by partying too much, being too lazy and not wanting tio have to work hard for anything.

I do have a lovely dd and a great new dp (after a divorce from exh)who I am expecting dc2 with, but all my life, despite being pretty intelligent I have had a succession of mediocre jobs with rubbish pay.

At 35 (36 in 2 weeks) I know I don't want any more kids and plan to retrain when this one is a little older so that I can at least have a half decent job until retirement.

Hindsight is such a wonderful thing, I wish I could go back to my teens knowing what I know now. Not only would I get educated, but I would enjoy life more instead of concentrating on my hang-ups.

Yes I agree with you. I didn't care about school and left at the first opportunity. Did much better when I studied A levels and other exams in my 20's. That got me thinking that had I/Parents/Teachers realised that I was, in fact, quite capable, I might have gone on a totally different path career wise could have even gone to Uni with full grants etc. Was happy to get a job in an office and now only just earn enough to pay the bills many years later.

Also had a serious bf at a young age, was heartbroken when it ended and rushed into a new relationship with the wrong person, as a result. Ended up getting married to him and divorced at a young age. Never really recovered and still pick the wrong men all the time.

My DD sound just like your Dsis. Austen reading teen who sat in with me and wants to be a doctor. Has a bf now but she is taking it very slowly. I'm pleased she is like this but admit to being a bit worried that she wasn't drinking in the park and snogging boys a couple of year ago.

Beanlet lol at dh being an expensive commitment!

Okay, so....you have commitments that you are choosing to honour. You could - if you really wanted to - walk away from the kids, mortgage, hubby and pursue the hot shot lawyer job.

You could - if you really wanted to - take the family with you along the road of your new career, with all of you radically changing your home, income and lifestyle.

But you are choosing not to. Your choice is to stay in a job that you describe yourself as being 'happy' in, and support your family through your work and income.

So that sounds to me like you have a life that looks better to you than life as a hot shot human rights lawyer? Bearing in mind that had you pursued this earlier your legal career may not have looked anything like you imagine it to be, so there is not point looking back on 'what might have been', only 'where am I now'.

One final idea: what is it about the dream of being a human rights lawyer that really floats your boat? How can you bring that into your current life (work or outside of work?)

Spiritmum

Something else that has just struck me - given the number of us saying that we messed up as teenagers - maybe messing up is what teenagers are meant to do? (except for the ones at home reading Penguin Classics, obviously).

So maybe it's not what we did as teenagers that counts, but what we do about it afterwards?

(P.S. teenagers' brains work like those of toddlers -the synapses fire off in a very similar fashion, hence the reason many teenagers are selfish and self-obsessed, an dprone to tantrums. Many teenagers also can't read emotions and mistake sorrow and fear for anger. There are degrees to which this happens which probably accounts for why some teenagers seem to come through quite, um, sensibly compared to the rest of us!)

i took pelters at school for being quiet and geeky,from the trendy too-cool-for-school set.i just kept my head down

I think teenagers need proper careers guidance. this job will interest you if you and stimulate you if you like a/b/c/d.... and you could get promoted to this , and you will earn 40k.

I have said this before on threads.

I didn't have a clue. But i had a good time on the way. no abusive ex's. some spliffs and a bit of coke, that did NOT mess my head up at all. ( it doesn't to everyone you know)

I had a good time. But don't long for it now.

What makes you long for past times ?

spiritmum, your posts are enthralling! I especially needed that wee reminder about teenage brains as I'm having trouble reading my dd (14).

how did you 'mess up' ? was it serious ? so bad you can't get over it now ?
i was out drinking and dancing. i had 3 jobs, had so much money i didn't know what to do with it, after buying my own car, so saved to go travelling. i went travelling for 2 years prior to uni.
i made all this happen.
what were you guys doing that was sooo bad. i bet it wasn't really that bad.

oh i did mess up IN A BIG BIG way. I couldn't get anyone to shag me. Dh finds this hard to beleive and tells me, he would of !!
I regret not finding someone nice, and having sex, and then i regret not having alot more sex. earlier.
does that count ?

can we have a competition, of the worst f**k ups ?