Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my DH to come home when he says?

68 replies

pippylongstockings · 01/08/2010 20:41

Arrggghhh - general rant.

My DH has gone away to a festival this weekend - went lunchtime Friday and was supposed to be coming home today/tonight I have come home after being at my mums today with 2DS to find a rambling message on the answer machine saying he is now getting a lift home tomorrow.
I am so angry!!!!!!!

Background story is that firstly, I am currently signed off work with a back injury so it is not easy for me to be looking after the kids single handed. And he is taking a bloody liberty because our child-minder is on holiday next week so he was supposed to be looking after the kids as I would normally be at work.

Secondly he is always f'ing doing this sort of thing to me/us.
In the last few months he has gone out on the Friday night before we were due to go on our family holiday this year(caravan in cornwall), only for him to come home at 9am on the Saturday morning! This was only after I rang him and said we were going without him.
Then last month again he went out on a Friday night and failed to come home until 10pm on Saturday night, missing his sons school fete and this was dispite me ringing him twice asking him to come home as it was my dad's 60th birthday on Sunday and we had a family party that I was doing all the catering for.

We have been together for nearly 20 years and in the past both enjoyed a party lifestyle but I feel it is not acceptable now - the kids are getting to an age where they are asking questions when Daddy doesn't come home.

I don't know how to handle this anymore - I am angry every month when this happens but he thinks other men do worse/drink more/get in fights/go off on lads weekends/strip clubs or whatever but they are not my husband and I want/expect more blody support it is so insulting that he would rather spend time off his head with his 'mates' than with his own family.

OP posts:
bunsandroses · 01/08/2010 20:49

you are most definitely NBU. It is a total self centredness that doesn't take into account you or your DC. I have been in a similar situation and felt it was really unfair that he always needed time to himself without any regard to us as a family unit.
I would have a serious talk and make it clear how angry you are, maybe he just thinks you don't mind as much as you do.
Good Luck

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/08/2010 21:05

"he thinks other men do worse/drink more/get in fights/go off on lads weekends/strip clubs or whatever"

No, they don't.

Original poster
pippylongstockings · 01/08/2010 21:25

I have had serious talks with him - last time when he failed to come home until late on the Sat night I made him sleep downstairs for 3 nights as I was so angry with him.

I feel upset as even his mother and father are ringing me up to see how my back is and how I have coped this weekend and if he is home - and he is not. They are mortified that he would do this.Again!

But it is nothing new, he thinks he is peter pan or something......

OP posts:
sleepingsowell · 01/08/2010 21:29

I think you should remind him that he shouldn't be comparing his own behaviour to the lowest common denominator (men who go out fighting, etc) but he should be aspiring to be the best father that he can ever be! We can all let ourselves off the hook in that way if we compare ourselves to real lowlifes! Some fathers never let their kids down by not turning up and nearly missing holidays - it's not that hard.

I totally agree with you that his behaviour is unacceptable and yes it is a shame he'd rather be off his head. Have you had a serious heart to heart with him about your views now your kids are older - you have moved the goalposts for yourself in terms of (correctly imo!) feeling that a 'party lifestyle' is no longer appropriate because of the kids' ages, but has this been explicity spelled out to your DH?

jakiD · 01/08/2010 21:36

Unbelievable! Can't understand why you would put up with this behaviour. Get rid! Whether you have been with him for 20 yrs or not. Maybe that would be a good wakeup call for him...especially when he realises his parents are on your side.

Original poster
pippylongstockings · 01/08/2010 22:10

jakiD - get rid? how?

If only it was that easy - I love the man I just want him to understand that he needs to be a man/husband/father.

OP posts:
LucyLouLou · 01/08/2010 22:17

I think "getting rid" of him is a bit rash, but at the same time, something has to change, doesn't it?

Is there anything else going on with him? I'm not trying to justify his behaviour, because he's clearly out of order, but could there be something that might help explain it? Job issues? Or anything else that's gone on lately that would make him act out of the ordinary?

You are definitely not unreasonable in this, you and your children are suffering for his stupidity. If even his parents can see it, there is something obviously up.

Could you M&FIL take the children for a day or two so that you and DH could sit down together and talk? Just anything that might encourage him to see just how much this bothers you?

jakiD · 01/08/2010 22:22

What do u mean how? He has no respect for u or his dc's. U pack his bags & kick him out of your 'hotel'. Your dc will understand. As long as u allow him to treat u like a doormat he will... If u shock him by making him stand on his own 2 feet u might be surprised how his attitude towards being a husband/father changes.

compo · 01/08/2010 22:25

Does he have a problem with drinking?

nowherewoman · 01/08/2010 22:27

I'm assuming recreational drugs are involved?

forehead · 01/08/2010 22:32

Give him a taste of his own medicine. Leave him with the kids and go away for a few days, let's see how he copes when the shoe is on the other foot.

Original poster
pippylongstockings · 02/08/2010 07:58

nowherewoman - yes redreational drugs are involved and alot of drinking

Even in a normal week at home he drinks about a bottle of wine a night. I know it's not a normal way to live and I have tried to explain to him that he has to see that most people in life do not act/behave/live like this, but because he is socialising with people who do he can't see it is not normal.

We have fallen into a rut of socialising seperately, as I put my 'party' ways behind me about 7 or so years ago. I do not object to the odd big night out but every single month without fail which always results in the same unhappy ending is too much.

I just want a normal life without the constant craving for escape from the norm - enjoy what you really have not the unreality.

I am very sad today as just checked our joint savings account online this morning and he has spent about £300 of our savings in the last 2 months.

I feel like locking him out and going away with the kids for a few days.....

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 02/08/2010 08:09

So he feels that it's alright to treat his home like a hotel, not tell his wife or children where he is, and spend the family money on drugs and booze. He drinks very heavily, he misses important family commitments, and he's perfectly happy to leave his wife, who has a serious back complaint, in the total lurch with small children.

Well, he doesn't have much respect for you, does he? And he clearly doesn't care much about the children, if he doesn't choose to spend time with them instead of his friends. His drinking is definitely in the problem zone, can't say about the drugs without more info, but it doesn't add up to someone who's good for you.

Honestly, I can see that "get rid" sounds like a drastic option, but you're not getting through at the moment. I would seriously consider a trial separation, because he's currently thinking that his behaviour is consequence-free, and he doesn't think that he's doing anything wrong. Sit him down, tell him that he's showing no respect or love for his family, and that he clearly prefers a single life, and ask him to move out temporarily while you decide what to do next. Otherwise, he's not going to do anything about his behaviour. He's told you that. He knows how you feel about it, he thinks you're unreasonable, he won't change.

BootyMum · 02/08/2010 08:11

It sounds as if your husband has some serious issues which need to be confronted... Have you considered seeing a relationship therapist? He needs to realise how his behaviour is making you feel and all that he is at risk of losing - his relationship with you, the respect of his parents and children and potentially his health due to excessive drinking and drug use.

moondog · 02/08/2010 08:13

Jesus, what a prick.
Doeshe feel any shame or try to make it up to yuo in remorseful manner when home?

Like you, no objection to big sessions (enjoy them myself) but not when it hurts or inconveninces others.

sapphireblue · 02/08/2010 08:15

do you know where he is until 10am after a night out? Are you worried that there are other women involved?

tbh your post reads like you are talking about a teenager rather than a husband and father.........he really needs to grow up and stop taking your for granted.

QueenStromba · 02/08/2010 08:31

So he goes out maybe once a month and parties? I'm guessing it used to be every weekend when you were younger? That means he's already cut down an awful lot for you. Some people just need to let their hair down every once in a while - would you really prefer it if he was home by 10 every night and miserable? I know it's a personal question so you don't have to answer, but maybe you should ask yourself whether he wanted kids or just went along with it to make you happy? If he never wanted children and would have been happy living the party lifestyle then he's already made a big sacrifice for you.
If he enjoys his fun and you keep trying to take it away from him then you risk pushing him away - is that what you really want?

Original poster
pippylongstockings · 02/08/2010 09:16

Queenstromba - yes it used to be every weekend for a while when we were younger but you can't really live your whole life like that for ever without some serious health issues - he has had seizures in the past due to his party life style. What is more important his need to release himself from reality or actually still being alive ?

Even once a month and be home at 3am would be acceptable - but to let me and the children down time and time again? if he couldn't make the sacrifice then he has had his chance to walk away several times.

Moondog - yes he does try and say sorry after but it's actions that speak louder than words. Like nearly missing the holiday I asked him to be home a normal time ie 3am or 4am, his brother was out with him and told him to go home but he still went on to an afterparty and then couldn't get home.

I don't know how to get through to him he is 37 not 17. We have seen a relationship therapist in the past not sure it really helped.

OP posts:
Tootlesmummy · 02/08/2010 09:22

Sorry but he is being a selfish pig and the only way to get through to him would be to kick him out if only temporarily. If he goes out and stays out for the whole night and part of the next day and can spend your savings to do it then something isn't right.
He is also drinking too much.
Get rid and see if he changes his behaviour, otherwise I fear you will not see any improvement in his behaviour.

SkintHeather · 02/08/2010 10:35

If any relationship is to work you BOTH need to understand the motives of your partner rather than judge them solely by your own needs.

Everybody needs a break once in a while. For him it's about going off and partying. It's a way a of relieving stress. Forget that it's partying and festival that he enjoys. That's irrelevant. The issue would be the same if he went off to a stamp collecting conference.

Accept that you both need the occasional break. Maybe you'd prefer to take a break with your children in tow and with him, but is that really a break or just more of the same? For him that obviously doesn't work.

The real issue is that he took a break at the wrong time because your childminder is on holiday (childminder eh? lucky for some!). Explain this to him and say that it's OK for him to go off but please be considerate about when he does. And also demand that you also have a break by yourself leaving him to take care of the children.

The alternative is to not compromise, to put your foot down and make demands and cause a further build-up of resentment and stress in the near future when he inevitably goes off again. Marriages end with these kind of problems festering away and not being dealt with properly.

GeekOfTheWeek · 02/08/2010 10:42

He is taking the piss and you are enabling his shitty behaviour.

Decent husbands and fathers dont take recreational drugs and stay out all weekend.

Do you really want this man as a role model for your sons?

He is a shit.

goldenlife · 02/08/2010 10:46

:-( it's very sad. YANBU. He IBVVVU but I don't know how you change anyone, or indeed IF you can change anyone.

Perhaps his parents will put him under some pressure to grow up?

Squitten · 02/08/2010 10:50

Agree with what previous posters have said. You've tried talking and it's evidently not getting through so a short, sharp shock is necessary.

Tell him that he is on his last chance. If he does this again, he's getting locked out and can go shift for himself. And STICK TO IT - hopefully the realisation that you mean business might kick him into action

BootyMum · 02/08/2010 10:51

I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time. For relationship therapy to have a chance of working you need two partners who want to attend and are committed to making changes in themselves as well as in the relationship. If your husband is made to realise that you are feeling this weekend's behaviour is the final straw and you are considering walking out do you feel he wouldn't want to do what was required [ie changing said behaviour and counselling]to save the relationship? If this is the case then perhaps you could attend counselling by yourself to get some support and perspective as it sounds as if you may have some very difficult decisions to make re the future of your family. I wish you all the best.

QueenofDreams · 02/08/2010 10:52

For those who are lecturing the op about how everyone needs a break - She DOESN'T MIND him goig out partying. She objects to the fact he stays out for two days at a time totally bladdered. I would too tbh. Yes everyone needs a break, but I don't think they need to spend one weekend every single month off their face and not come home to wife & kids. He's living the single life at the moment.

My DP works really hard, really long hours. You know what his break is? Spending the weekend at home, having a lie in on saturday then relaxing with me and DS. And he's only 26!

Swipe left for the next trending thread