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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my DH to come home when he says?

68 replies

pippylongstockings · 01/08/2010 20:41

Arrggghhh - general rant.

My DH has gone away to a festival this weekend - went lunchtime Friday and was supposed to be coming home today/tonight I have come home after being at my mums today with 2DS to find a rambling message on the answer machine saying he is now getting a lift home tomorrow.
I am so angry!!!!!!!

Background story is that firstly, I am currently signed off work with a back injury so it is not easy for me to be looking after the kids single handed. And he is taking a bloody liberty because our child-minder is on holiday next week so he was supposed to be looking after the kids as I would normally be at work.

Secondly he is always f'ing doing this sort of thing to me/us.
In the last few months he has gone out on the Friday night before we were due to go on our family holiday this year(caravan in cornwall), only for him to come home at 9am on the Saturday morning! This was only after I rang him and said we were going without him.
Then last month again he went out on a Friday night and failed to come home until 10pm on Saturday night, missing his sons school fete and this was dispite me ringing him twice asking him to come home as it was my dad's 60th birthday on Sunday and we had a family party that I was doing all the catering for.

We have been together for nearly 20 years and in the past both enjoyed a party lifestyle but I feel it is not acceptable now - the kids are getting to an age where they are asking questions when Daddy doesn't come home.

I don't know how to handle this anymore - I am angry every month when this happens but he thinks other men do worse/drink more/get in fights/go off on lads weekends/strip clubs or whatever but they are not my husband and I want/expect more blody support it is so insulting that he would rather spend time off his head with his 'mates' than with his own family.

OP posts:
flower1988 · 02/08/2010 10:59

Hiya pippylongstockings,

I don't have much advice for you I'm afraid, but I know how you feel. My OH seems incapable of coming home when he says he will. It causes huge arguments and lots of upset on my part.

I really feel for you. I don't know what to tell you to do - we try to compromise on timings (as I'm sure you do) although this doesn't really seem to work. I feel the same - why would he rather be off doing other things? Why wouldn't he think of me at home and rather come home, on time, without any grief.

I hope that you are feeling ok today. You are definitely not being unreasonable though xx

FindingMyMojo · 02/08/2010 10:59

When my OH was behaving similarly (being inconsiderate - I don't mind him going out, partying either, but its the shitty tail end of it I won't tolerate) I put it to him like this:

"If you want to live as a bachelor you are free to do so - but you will not live here. We live as a family. If you want to live as part of a family with us we'd love to have you - but bachelor behaviour will not be tolerated i.e. to participate in this family I expect you to respect me & our family and treat us with consideration, be honest and keep your committments & promises to us. Otherwise see you later - go live the wonderful bachelor life & we'll see you every second weekend."

FindingMyMojo · 02/08/2010 11:11

PS I should add my OH is still with us. He has changed his ways, and has let go of his old 'bachelor' ways. He still goes out occasionally, as do I. But he does what he says he is going to do, and he respects us.
We have been together only 5 years though - so at a different stage in our relationshop that you OP.

SkintHeather · 02/08/2010 11:31

Bear in mind that it's easy for other posters to suggest that you lay down the law and chuck him out because they're not the ones living your life. After all, what do they care if you end up alone as a single mum and without any help at all from him? You're just some random poster on an internet forum. They aren't living your life.

nowherewoman · 02/08/2010 11:41

It's not just the 2 nights that he's been away though is it? You've also got to deal with a week-long comedown. It takes a long time to get over at the age of 37 (I speak from personal experience )

GeekOfTheWeek · 02/08/2010 11:58

Skint, my post was from experience of a similar situation.

IME being a single mum was far far easier than living with a shit, who thinks recreational drugs and all weekend parties are acceptable behaviour from a husband and father.

I chose to not let my son see this as normal behaviour and to not be treated as a fool.

Litchick · 02/08/2010 12:18

Everyone needs a little R&R but this is ridiculous. And look how sad it's making you feel. How long before it's making your DC feel sad too?

When he gets back I'd sit him down and tell him no more. No shouting and screaming, just a statement of fact.

If he wants to continue behaving in this way then he needs to live alone, end of. If that's his choice then he is a very sad git.

SkintHeather · 02/08/2010 12:39

"I am angry every month when this happens"

Could it be that he thinks he's going to get into trouble anyway and therefore might as well make the most of it?

QueenStromba · 02/08/2010 12:56

I think you might be right SkintHeather. I have a friend who gets in trouble from his other half if he's not back by 11ish on a Friday, most of the time if he realises he's not going to make it back by then he'll stay out til 3am because it won't make that much difference. On a weeknight he's expected to come home straight after work - he'll eventually get fed up with this and leave her.

CheeseandGherkins · 02/08/2010 12:58

The simple answer is that he has no reason to stop behaving like a dick if you keep "allowing" him to. What actually happens when he does it? Nothing. You carry on, after being a bit pissed off for a few days. Personally, I'd have a serious last chance talk and if nothing changed then I would leave him.

Whoever it was saying that he'd already given up a lot for her then that's just laughable, do people not grow up these days? Why assume he didn't want kids but "sacrificed" his lifestyle to have them? They had children together and they both have responsibility for them, or should do at least.

Once a month is a lot, regardless of how many times you used to go out. Bringing lots of alcohol and drugs into the equation too is no doubt making it all worse. It sounds like he needs a wake up call. What a great example he's setting to the dc's....

It's called personal responsibility and when you have children and a life with a partner, then the partying comes second. The op is also suffering with a back problem so any relaxation time for the "poor" partner should be on the back burner. When does she get hers?

CheeseandGherkins · 02/08/2010 13:00

Oh and at his age he should know better. My dp is 23 (I'm 31 and have 3 children, one on the way with him) and he wouldn't dream of ever treating me like that. He loves me and my children and takes full responsibility, acts like a real man and treats me with respect.

CheeseandGherkins · 02/08/2010 13:01

"he'll eventually get fed up with this and leave her."

Lol, or she'll get fed up of being treated like a school girl, as let's face it that's what these so called men are doing, and find a proper man. Honestly, why are these men acting like teenagers???!!

kayah · 02/08/2010 13:07

just wanted to point out (I haven't read the whole thread) that your employers could sue you if they saw you doing all that work at home whn you signed off with a bad back...

if someone shops you they can send private investigators

it only takes few pictures and a short video as a proove

QueenStromba · 02/08/2010 13:19

CheeseandGherkins - why should he have to come straight home every day after work rather than have a couple of pints? Is he not allowed a life outside of work and the home? She's the one acting like a school girl, having a strop if he doesn't come straight home to her and locking him out in the freezing cold if he gets back after midnight. He could do an awful lot better but she'd be damn lucky to find another man if he leaves her.

QueenofDreams · 02/08/2010 13:34

qs I think the issue here is that the op wouldn't mind her H going out till 3am - she has said so. It's the fact he stays out ALL NIGHT and all the next day. That is stupid irresponsible behaviour and why should she put up with it.

The case of your friend sounds different. His wife sounds controlling and childish.

JenniPenni · 02/08/2010 14:02

If my husband acted like this he'd be in big trouble. If I did it to him I would be in big trouble too.

His actions are selfish and childish, inconsiderate and there is NO excuse for it. I wonder what he would do if his (grownup and responsible) wife (the OP) did this to him even ONCE...? He'd hit the roof no doubt.

I find it really worrying that there are those here that will try and make excuses for his pathetic drunken behaviour... and even try and put the onus on the OP... how ridiculous

SkintHeather · 02/08/2010 14:31

Assigning blame is pointless. It achieves nothing. Also talking about drugs. No one on here is saying that taking drugs is good OK? It just clouds the issue and people are using it to push their own argument instead. Sort out the underlying problems first.

Let's look at this practically. You want to change your DH's behaviour. How do you do that? You first understand why it's happening. What's the alternative? You are no longer together in which case it's the equivalent of going off for a festival and never coming back.

In fact, let's forget about festivals. Let's pretend he's obsessed about some geeky hobby that men are into such as sci-fi conventions. You BOTH need to see it from each other's point of view in order to progress. Not just him but you. This thread is a perfect example why so many marriages fail. People just expect their demands to be met and don't put the work in to COMMUNICATE and COMPROMISE. That's all a marriage counsellor will teach you to do. They don't wave a magic wand and make things better for you.

He needs to know that he can go off and let steam. He also needs to know that he needs to support you. You need to know that you can rely on him. What neither of you need is to get locked into a cycle whereby expecting this kind of behaviour from him you get angry at him and reinforce it happening the next time. He needs to know that there is an acceptable amount of free time and an unacceptable amount. And if you can BOTH agree to what that time is and stick to it, then it will work out for you.

If you are BOTH used to communicating and compromising then t will also give you leverage to put your foot down on the most important issues such as drug use. If you just demand you get nowhere.

SkintHeather · 02/08/2010 14:32

(Sorry didn't mean to suggest that the OP wasn't communicating, but some people responding obviously don't)

foureleven · 02/08/2010 14:51

Its not the going out and partying that is wrong in my opinion. It is the way that this man is messing about with your reality.

Telling you he'll be back at a vertain time/day and then not being is manipulation and it is plain cruel, not just to you but to your children.

It is very sad.

I agree with the poster who said if he didnt want a famility and to settle down then he has already made a big sacrifice for you.

However, both you and he are in charge of making changes in your lives and I get the feeling you have both gobne along with things that the other wants and are now cross becuase it cant be kept up.

I do think you should leave him. It sounds like a miserable existence for both of you.

QueenStromba · 02/08/2010 16:44

Foureleven - maybe he wants to go out, knows how late he'll be but realises that if he tells his OH he'll get a load of grief and not be allowed to go thereby not having his night out but still ending up having an argument.

Or he might have every intention of coming home when he says he will but gets carried away or dragged to an after party by his mates which is a very easy thing to happen - who wants to go home when they're still having fun? I know I'd get resentful of my other half if I was always having to leave the party early because of my OH.

lucky1979 · 02/08/2010 18:16

MY DH has done this a few times, but never as badly as yours. I think if he turned up days late I would actually throttle him.

It's the lack of respect for you AND your children that is worrying. Can you talk to him about it when he's sober and you're not angry?

ChippingIn · 02/08/2010 18:30

OP have you tried asking his Dad to have a word with him.

My friend was at the end of her tether with her DH, she was ready to walk out him, his parents came around one day to find her angry & upset and because her guard was down she told them about his stupid, childish, thoughless behaviour (doing similar stuff to your DH), they were astounded and embarassed! His Dad met up with him and overnight he changed. I think his Dad was able to point out how immature he was behaving and just how much he risked losing.

ccpccp · 02/08/2010 20:29

Hes living a dual life.

In one he has kids/wife/stability.

In the other hes surrounded by his mates, does drugs, drinks a lot and occasionally gets lucky.

poshsinglemum · 02/08/2010 20:39

At least he called; many wouldn't. Not that it's great behaviour though.

Rocklover · 02/08/2010 20:42

QS "She'd be damn lucky to find another man". Unhelpful, untrue and spiteful. If you have a man he must be lucky to have you, you sound like a doormat and he must have the life of riley!