to expect my DH to come home when he says?

[pippylongstockings]

Arrggghhh - general rant.

My DH has gone away to a festival this weekend - went lunchtime Friday and was supposed to be coming home today/tonight I have come home after being at my mums today with 2DS to find a rambling message on the answer machine saying he is now getting a lift home tomorrow.
I am so angry!!!!!!!

Background story is that firstly, I am currently signed off work with a back injury so it is not easy for me to be looking after the kids single handed. And he is taking a bloody liberty because our child-minder is on holiday next week so he was supposed to be looking after the kids as I would normally be at work.

Secondly he is always f'ing doing this sort of thing to me/us.
In the last few months he has gone out on the Friday night before we were due to go on our family holiday this year(caravan in cornwall), only for him to come home at 9am on the Saturday morning! This was only after I rang him and said we were going without him.
Then last month again he went out on a Friday night and failed to come home until 10pm on Saturday night, missing his sons school fete and this was dispite me ringing him twice asking him to come home as it was my dad's 60th birthday on Sunday and we had a family party that I was doing all the catering for.

We have been together for nearly 20 years and in the past both enjoyed a party lifestyle but I feel it is not acceptable now - the kids are getting to an age where they are asking questions when Daddy doesn't come home.

I don't know how to handle this anymore - I am angry every month when this happens but he thinks other men do worse/drink more/get in fights/go off on lads weekends/strip clubs or whatever but they are not my husband and I want/expect more blody support it is so insulting that he would rather spend time off his head with his 'mates' than with his own family.

Rocklover: You've not met this woman so who are you to judge whether or not it is true that she is unlikely to find another man?

I'm not a doormat - I merely believe that a relationship should be a partnership of equals. This means that neither partner should be able to dictate what the other can or cannot do and each partner should respect the fact that the other may need some time to themselves. There is absolutely no way I would stay in a relationship where my OH tried to tell me that I could not go out and socialise with my friends. Equally, I would not expect a man to put up with me demanding that he came home at a certain time. I'm sure that if the title of this thread was "Am I being unreasonable to want to go out and have fun with my friends once a month" then everyone would say that the OP was not being unreasonable.
I'm sure your idea of fun is sitting around talking about how great your baby is for being potty trained already but the OP's OH has a different idea of fun. I've seen so many relationships fail because of this herd mentality that a lot of women have where the woman is a bit upset about something and other women manage to escalate like has happened here. The OP said she was a bit miffed that her OH stays out too late once a month and within 10 posts people were saying she should leave him despite the fact that they have been together for 20 years, she loves him and they're (presumably) happy for the other 28 days of the month.

skintheather Thank-you for your clear advice I agree at the moment we seem to be caught in some sort of loggerheads with me wanting our life to be more family time at the weekends and with him wanting it to be more about a release from family.

As I say we have seen a counsellor before and to be honest it probably wasn't good because we were only telling half-truths in the sessions - I was pregnant and he was still going out pretty much every weekend but for some reason I never wanted to admit to the outside world that he was like that.

He finally came home at about 6pm today - and to be honest I havn't actually really spoken to him. He fell asleep on a chair while the kids ate their tea and after I put the kids to bed, I have left him with an airbed downstairs.

Today I thought I should have posted this in relationships as it is all quite sensitive stuff for me and AIBU is maybe not the best place to air my feelings.

Mostly, I feel sad because he can be and is a lovely man, hence why we have been together so long. I have always felt we would be together forever ,but I feel so sad and let down by this almost secret part of his life. I haven't ever asked him to 'give up' this lifestyle as other posters have accused me of. And I don't see why it has to be a huge sacrifice to be committed to your partner and your children and be the best parent you can be - being a grown-up and a parent is sometimes about putting what other people need above your own needs.

QS, if you'd read the op's post properly it is clear she gives her husband plenty of leeway to go out and have fun. It is not the going out she has an issue you with, it is staying out for days at a time.

Would you really be ok if your oh went awol the night before you went on holiday and only turned up the morning you were due to leave because you called him? If (as you suggest) he is not interested in family stuff, why could he not save the family money and just book for the family to go away without him?

If he really has made so many sacrifices for the op and the children and doesn't want that type of life, he really should have kept his trousers zipped up and been honest with his wife.

My dd is 5 so way past potty training and just because I am not into drug and alcohol fuelled binges anymore does not mean that all I talk about is kids. You seem to think that getting pissed and partying for days makes someone interesting and being sobre makes one a bore. Very odd.

BTW pippy, yes I do feel that your husband needs his time out, but he equally needs to compromise and make sure he is back when he needs to be. You have every right to be upset at his behaviour.

Hi Pippy

Just seen this thread and my heart goes out to you and your DC. I have never been in a relationship with someone who behaves like this past late 20s but I do have a brother who still (mid 30s) carries on like this and it's very hard to be around and has cost him several relationships. Do you still know his mates? You mentioned that it feels like he's living a double life and I wondered if you know any of the partners of his friends to chat to about this. Do you guys ever go out together still or is it a case of when he's out and on it he just wants to keep going, even if you've had a fun night and are happy to come home earlier?

If he's living for the moment like this and able to ignore / deny the horrible consequences on you and the DC then are you worried he is in too deep and needs to see addiction experts?

I really feel for you as it is so hard when one person is happy to move into the new adventure of family life but the other one is stuck in a loop of 'escape' as you say rather than enjoying the now. He's missing so much of your DCs growing up

Sounds like he's acting like a pr!ck. Assuming home isn't such a miserable place to be he's not keen to come home, of course. Get him on here to make his case and I'm sure we can act as Judge and Jury.

I for one would find that not only fair, but enormous fun.

Rocklover: Excuse me for not wanting to crucify the OP's OH without hearing his side of the story. I just came across this thread and saw a load of posts where women were saying that the OP should leave her OH without knowing the whole story. The OP said they'd been together for 20 years, and that she loved him, so something must be good in their relationship yet up until I arrived in the thread the only advice she'd been given was to kick him out. Not one person before me asked the OP to think about how her OH feels. The fact is that a lot of men get pressurised into becoming fathers by their OHs and it does seem like this might have been the case in this situation - I don't know of any men who are party animals that really want kids (apologies to the OP if this is not the case, and I really don't mean this as a personal attack on you - I'm just trying to explain how this is the case with a lot of men).

Relationships are a compromise - it's very rare for two people to want the exact same things in life. I'm just trying to point out that maybe he feels like he has already compromised enough and that it is her turn to compromise a bit. Unless they really have a proper adult conversation about it then neither of them will be happy.

To the OP:

I'm sure you hate me and I'm sorry. But you need to go away for a weekend with your DP and have a proper conversation about how you both feel about your life. Send the DCs off to the PILs and go to a nice country retreat and just talk. Don't confront him, ask him how he feels before you rant at him. Make him feel like he can say whatever he needs to say without feeling judged. Once he's finished explain how you feel. You will probably find that your relationship will get a lot better after having a long, non judgemental talk. 20 years is a long time to be together and people can change a lot in that time. And a lot of resentment and secrets can build up in that time too. Spend a weekend getting to know each other again and being honest with each other about your feelings. You'll probably find that once you actually talk about it properly in a neutral setting you can come to an agreement where you will both be happy.

What's with all the people making excuses for him?

He sounds very childish. Definitely time for an ultimatum. You have children, the last thing you need is an additional 40 year old child.

QS I don't hate you that would be very string on a faceless internet forum!

However, you have missed a couple of points I have made - Firstly my DH has in the past had seizures due to his drug use. When the children were very small he had 3 during the course of about a year or so. The last one he had was infront of the children and for about a day afterwards he couldn't recognise the house that we lived in or that we even had a 2nd child. He kept on wanting to leave the home and asking who is this about our 4 month old baby son. This was very very distressing for me to see and deal with.

So, Yes I feel fairly strongly that him going out partying does potentially have a much more serious problem than just coming home late. I can't help but worry if he doesnt come home/doesn't contact me etc. Yet I have still never asked him to stop what I am asking is that he be more sensible and considerate. I feel that is a reasonable compromise.

Secondly, that he has been secretly taking money from our savings account a total of £300 in the last month to fund this party lifestyle.

Even though I work part-time I am the main wage earner and that is so he can do an interesting job that he loves. We are in the middle of an ongoing house project which is financially draining, so him spending most of our small savings on what he feels he 'needs' to do is gutting when I am budget shopping at Aldi and glueing my shoes back together so we can afford our family home.

I agree the cries of leave him are extreem and as I said maybe I should have posted this in relationships not AIBU. But I still stand by the fact that I feel he is being unreasonable not me

After your last post, Pippy, I think your husband is one of the most selfish men I have ever heard about (and there are many...)

I don't think that you should tolerate this behaviour

I don't think the cries of "leave him" are off-target, either

I don't know if he is irredeemable (only he can control that), but I do think he needs a very, very firm lesson that if he does not change his lifestyle he will lose his family

because while things carry on virtually as normal for him (ie. you support the family, prop everyone up, service him domestically, forgive him every time he fucks up), then he has no impetus to change

I would not presume to tell you what to do. I can only say what I would do in this situation.

I would tell him you want to separate. If he wants to continue this lifestyle, that is not compatible with family life, then he does it as a single man, and you will play no further part in enabling him to fuck all your lives up.

Then, only after an agreed (substantial) period of time, if he can prove that he deserves to live in the family home, with the cosy hearth and in the warmth of the love of his partner and dc, then (and only then) would I allow him to come back

Carrying on as you are, with a token tantrum from you every time he lets you down but then he carries on doing it, after a little bit of creeping from him...), is not going to change the status quo

QS you say a relationship should be a partnership of equals and I agree with that. However it is clear that the OP's relationship is NOT one of equals. It is one where he shows no respect whatsoever for her and their family.
He spends their savings on drugs. he disappears for days at a time on complete benders - this is not the same as 'staying out late' as you put it. Everyone KEEPS repeating that the op has no problem with her DH STAYING OUT LATE, but you keep ignoring that and saying she's being unreasonable for wanting him to come home at 3 or 4am instead of having 2 day benders.

She is being left to run the family while he lives a party lifestyle. If it was such an insufferable sacrifice to have children he should have been honest and not had kids. It takes TWO PEOPLE to make a child, why should SHE be the sole person taking any responsibility?

Bloody hell, OP

So what are you going to do? We can all agree that he's being unreasonable, but why would he change if you don't do anything about it?

I can't believe he has seizures due to drug use, and you've not put your foot down about this yet. Come on, OP.

stop ringing and calling him - make the plans, let him know what they are and when,

then if he doesnt appear you do leave without him.

let him know you are going to make plans and follow them.

stop relying on him - you cannot.

tell him - i am not going to call you or nag you any more - it is your choice. you have to take responsibiity. we agreed to go on holiday on xx day. i would like you to be here for the children when we have agreed plans in advance. if you are not, then you must realise i am going to seriously consider our lives together. you chose. "

move the money from the savings account to your sole account and tell him you taking control because you cant trust him, moreover drugs are seriously damaging to his health. . if he wants to put his health at risk - then not on your shared money.

after a few months of time in which you have stopped nagging him and relying on him - you will have a view on where his loyalties and respect really lie.

Thanks for the extra information Pippy. Just a question, does he need you more than you need him? It seems so, after all, you are enabling him to do a job that he loves. It also seems that he is taking you and the family for granted and isn't mature enough to realise that he has responsibilities.

The best outcome to all this is that he starts to appreciate you and the family more, and starts to act more responsibly. If you can achieve the first aim then the second will be easier. You need to figure out where the line must be drawn in the sand because the situation is not likely to correct itself any time soon. But regardless of what you achieve, the drug use has to stop.

Rather than definitely leave him, you need to be prepared to leave him if you have to. You must explain to him that you are not going to tolerate funding his lifestyle and his job if he doesn't be more responsible.
Part of this means having your own savings account that he does not access to.

But here's the really important bit. You need to tell him all this very calmly and assertively but without being angry. Being angry tells him that you are letting off steam and that the threat is empty. Being calm and assertive will really worry him because he will know that you really mean it. And you really do need to mean what you say when doing this otherwise it will blow your credibility for next time. Doing thist will make him re-evaluate what his priorities are.

Sometimes people need a sharp shock to jerk them out of their routine. Does he really value the party lifestyle over you, his family and his job? Probably not. If so, well, then at least you know where you stand.

Thanks everyone for your words of advice, we have sat down and I hope I managed to keep calm enough to speak about how much this is affecting me with the worry and stress.

I did cry because I feel very lost.

I asked him to consider how he would feel if the roles were reversed and that I had a health condition that I was potentially making worse but I kept on doing drugs even though it might kill me. I asked to think how it would be if I had to explain this potential scenario to his children.

He says he feels like a shit.

I still feel that we have a very long way to go as he feels the drugs and music and people that he socialise's with are an important part of his life and make him feel alive, carefree and creative. He feels the two are not totally incompatable and that plenty of people he knows have both and the wife indulges to.

However, for me that is a part of my life I have left behind - so, Yes I have changed and if he can't change then I will have to consider what my and our childrens future holds.

I have suggested that we need to rebuild out social life - go out together, have mutual friends round for supper etc all very normal but we have fallen into a rut since the kids were born of me going out with my friends and him going out with his - we probably only go out as a couple twice a year!

You have made me consider the fact that I am enabling him to behave like this with no consequences, rather than before I was just thinking he was being a twat. I can now see that I have to be stronger to stand up and say no, and actually do something about it.

Way to go Pippy. Hope this all works out for you and your family

Good to hear that you're now both on the right track. It can work if you both keep at it!

Life's a learning experience and marriage is about learning together.

Good luck!