To be annoyed that grandparents only want to look after ds at their house?

[digggers]

My ds is 1 and a bit. My mil and fil live an hour away. They are nice people, and they dote on ds. They are eager to look after him, but only at their house. When I first went back to work I asked mil if she'd like to look after ds, as she'd been assuming, before I arranged alternative childcare. She said only if he came to them, which is dificult as I don't drive and he at the time was exclusively breastfed and didn't take a bottle. So I arranged alt childcare.

Now everytime we use other childcare they say "you should just bring him over to us" . I don't know why they won't come over here! It is much harder for us to take him there, means he's away for much longer and is difficult for me emotionally (pfb!).

Now I know that I need to be able to leave him, and I want him to know and love his grandparents and enjoy staying at their house. So we do go over and stay regularly and stay. But each time they get narky that we've brought stuff with us to use in preference to what theyhave there. (ie our travelcot, rather than their ancient one. Ds's teddies he cuddles in bed rather than the one's they have there). I get taken the mickey out of for bringing tomuch stuff (a travel cot and day ruck sack!)

However, I do want ds to stay with them, and I know I have to get used to it for his sake, so last weekend we left him overnight there for the first time. Again when I arrived they had their cot set up, and I had to explain again I wanted to use ours. They hurried me off, told me to go he'd be fine when I'd wantedto help settle him and put him to bed. But ok I went with it. Came back the next day toget him, and it transpired that they'd not put him to bed till 930pm, when he normally goes at 7. Apparently he looked like he wanted to come downstairs and play! And we picked him up at teatime, and mil had already bathed him and put him in his pyjamas because he had a "stinky bum" and not fed him. So by the time we got home, he was starving, so after dinner wouldn't go to bed till 10 ish. And then for the next week he wouldn't goto bed till 9.

Now I suppose disruption is the price to pay for free childcare and ds having loving grandparents. But is it too much to ask they follow a basic routine of tea, bath and bed by 7?

They are both fit and well, in their 60s, don't work and both drive. Is it also unreasonable for them to come here tolook after him?

Sometimes it feels they just want him on their own, in their own house and on their own terms? Why?

NonnoMum - love it!

My DD (first grandchild) is 6 months. She is such a joy and a novelty to my parents than I ignore some of the mad things they do. For example, my mum always requests that I bring her sleeping clothes even if I'm coming to collect her early, as she just likes to get her ready for bed and thinks she looks lovely in her white babygro (even at 5pm).

They often keep her up far too late, playing with her to the point of her getting overtired and cranky for us the next day.
They have given her random thing to eat....but I swallow it all and let them get on with it because they absolutely love her so much, and that's the main thing.

Incidentally, she sleeps in a pink travel cot at theirs and sleeps better and longer than she does in her own damn cot at home, grrr.

Course you weren't out of order Diggers and I don't think from your OP YABU either.

Perhaps you should be more explicit and say how lovely it would be for them to see DS in his own environment at some point with his own toys etc if only for them to get to know him even better. Like you say, it's not like you're demanding any favours from them, just ensuring a good relationship for all concerned.

Diggers - you are undoubtedly a lovely mum, but I'm just knackered after my "3 in 4 years" running me ragged all weekend.

And, on a practical note, my parents who are in their 60s, do drive, but they freak out if they have to drive out of their own town. But they'd never admit that out loud. Just a thought.

PIL have bought a cheap travel cot / playpen thing for DD but it has a really thin base (you can feel the base slats!) - so I totally understand your feelings on that one. If I'm not prepared to sleep on it then I won't expect DD to either and we bring our own travel cot. Luckily we've got round the whole issue because I've got the equivalent of tennis elbow in my thumbs so I can't bend over the side of their cot to pick up DD (ours has a side opening).

The time will come when DD stays with them and we'll probably buy a mattress to fit the bottom of their travel cot or put her in a bed with bed guards. I wouldn't want to offend them but I would also want DD to be comfortable.

YAB a little U on the location, but I see where you're coming from. I guess I would presume that if PIL offered to look after DD (as a benefit to them rather than us asking) then I would presume they'd come collect DD and either take her to theirs (45mins away) or just go out for the day. If we asked them to help with emergency childcare then we would offer to drop DD at theirs (for their convenience).

Everything else re: late nights etc I think you just need to smile and deal with the fall out. It could be that your DS stuggled to go to sleep there (DD 11mo can sometimes go to bed really late if she won't settle) and they didn't want to tell you.

Again , thank you! Continuing excellent perspectives and plenty food for thought! I will think on definately and continue to try and relax more around this whole issue and be mindful of advice and suggestions. It's a difficult new relationship I didn't anticipate, shall keep learning.

It sounds to me like they want to feel like 'proper' grandparents, rather than babysitters in your house.

I would imagine half the fun of being granny is to make the relationship special, ie with granny's toys/cot/food/routine in granny's house.

Remember that your son is probably bringing back so many memories of their son at that age, and as the years fly by and he's now married and a father himself they want to recapture that whole adorable baby-stage thing with his child.

I really wouldn't sweat the small stuff too much - the cot thing, the early bath or later night. Grit your teeth and remind yourself that your DH turned out ok and how lovely it is that your son will have his own special relationship with his grandparents

Diggers..i have 4 GC and i only babysit in my home even though my GC live very close (one of them only 10 steps away lol),my reason is that im more comfortable in my own home ,my daughter thinks that if im sat home evenings why cant i just sit at her place and babysit but it is just simply because i prefer to be in my own home no other reason.
I do have a 6 yr old myself to consider but i would still feel the same.
I also have the rule that i do things my own way ,not to be awkward just that ive had 4 children and i like to do things my way.
I think it may be that that your PIL just are more relaxed at home.

Yes, you are being totally unreasonable.

My DD (first grandchild) is 6 months. She is such a joy and a novelty to my parents than I ignore some of the mad things they do. For example, my mum always requests that I bring her sleeping clothes even if I'm coming to collect her early, as she just likes to get her ready for bed and thinks she looks lovely in her white babygro (even at 5pm).

Awwwww. This reminds me that I used to send my pre-mobile daughter to my Mum's with at least two spare outfits so that Mum could play dress-up with her. It's a reaction from my own babyhood when she was too poor and Right On to own more than about 4 carefully-gender-neutral-coloured babygrows.

So I agree with Sidge, but to be honest you sound lovely, your in-laws sound lovely, I'm sure your husband is lovely, so you can't really go wrong, here. Are you planning to learn to drive? That would help a lot.

Sorry, that sounds a bit mad. I mean, my Mum loved to play dressup so I humoured her, not that I sent outfits and demanded that she play dressup in some sort of odd revenge for my own deprived childhood.

Diggers - I see what you mean, and it's much harder for you if you don't drive and they DO drive.

I was wondering when they say - "you should bring him over to us" - are just trying to be nice or do they really want that kind of commitment. Like when people say - "lets do lunch sometime."

Thanks all!

No they definately want him at theirs, and even emailed me a list of dates that they had plans on over the next few months, and siad they'd have him over any other time. it's nice that they ate so interested. I'll just try and hold onto that rather than feel weirded out that they want my baby on their own without me there, with their stuff and in their style

I think sidge has it spot on. I think they are reliving my dp being a baby. They are using all his old stuff and are always comparing him. Freaks me put a little, but I'll try to relax and let them play.

So this is the grandparent dynamic, they get to do what they like as reward for having done it before ;-) haha.....

Well thanks for straightfoward advice. As I say it really helps to be able to rant abit here rather than at my dp or at them and ruin what should be a special nice relationship by not understanding what's usual and what's not!

Digggers, do we have the same PILs?? Mine were the same when we lived close by - trying to relive the experience by getting my DPs old stuff out from the attic, always wanting to spend time with DS alone and definitely uncomfortable in our house.

In your case, I think a lot of the posters are being unfair. You don't want childcare, just for them to know their GC; you don't drive, they do etc. Also, although you probably need to relax on the small stuff, if your DS doesn't sleep on time for the rest of the week that's quite a high price for you to pay. So, no, YANBU.

Perhaps you could let your DS spend time at their house - but only if they are willing to pick him up and drop him off? Maybe let them use their cot, but buy a new mattress for it? Let them do bath time, but ask them to feed DS on time.

And in response to their email, thank them nicely but explain that it is really too difficult for you to get over to their house when you don't drive although they are always welcome at yours - if they don't want to be 'at yours' they could always take your DS out to toddler groups etc.

Good luck! It's a minefield.

they are going to put him to be at GP time, feed him different stuff, do different things with him, bath him differently etc etc - they are GP's not your clones.

DS will be perfectly fine, cope with it well, enjoy the change & learning how easy it is to manipulate GP's. He will be fine - he will have a relationship with his GP's that (chock horror) doesn't have you in the middle conducting it all.

I think you are being overly PFB taking your cot to theirs when clearly they have one sorted for him.

thanks chiccadee, yes compromise is always a good thing in these kind of circumstances. I don't really want ds not to stay at there's, i think it would be nice for him to do that, be good for him to be used to it at an early age and be nice for me and dp if we could have the occasional weekend just us again. So I'll persevere and try and chill.

Finding my mojo, yes fair enough, thank you for the benefit of your experience, I see what you're saying. I'l get there. I've never negotiated this kind of relationship before. To be honest I find it very difficult leaving him atall, but I know that's daft and I try and push myself out of my comfort zone for the benefit of us all. I just need to keep pushing i guess. work in progress.

But, I'm sorry, I still don't agree that I'm being PFB to want to use the travel cot I chose and bought for my son, in preference to a 30 year old one that look really uncomfortable and I really don't like! I would be being PFB if I didn't want him to stay with them atall surely?

But I'll try for a compromise and will maybe by a new mattress for their old one. Good idea chiccadee

Onwards..

YABU.

"Sometimes it feels they just want him on their own, in their own house and on their own terms? Why?"

Because they are his Grandparents and not his actual parents?

Unclench.

ooooh morloth. i'm not liking the visual imagery I'm getting with the instruction to unclench.

but hey, fair enough.

;-)

Lovely lovely memories of going to GPs and using their things (1920's and 30's cast offs) and having diffe teddies. Also being indulged and fussed over and having different rules - invaluable in a little person's upbringing. Funnily enough there I was more of a grown up - had a special tea cup, talked to their friends etc.

I'm sure you'll work it all out. I'm glad I stumbled across this thread because I tend to forget all of the above when frustrated by my own in laws. Will think twice before trying to 'nicely' make MIL do things my way!

It's very uncomfortable being in someone else's house when they aren't there. They wouldn't be a exactly a guest and they aren't a paid help. They'd be forever forgetting where things were and worried about making a mess or doing things wrong. Whereas at home they can relax more.

I personally wouldn't worry about the bed time thing too much. Or the cot or toys. That is one of the things that is fun about being at GPs houses - things aren't the same as home. However if it's going to be frequent it won't hurt to explain how difficult it is if the routine gets messed up - I'm sure they will understand.

I do understand why they would rather have him at theirs.

But if it´s hard for you to get him there then I think they need to accept less contact tbh.

If the grandparents are doing something to endager your child's well being then it is not unreasonable to buckle down on your expectations or change babysitters.

Stuff like letting the kids stay up late is ok if they go to sleep like normal when they return home otherwise you have a right to say something if it messes up the routine.

The bath and PJs thing sounds like they were trying to help give you a break from that part of getting the baby ready for bed.

If their travel cot is old you could find out if there have been any recalls on it or safety issues and show them that evidence to assure them your cot is better suited for your child's safety.

If their house is safe and comfortable the it is ok for them to watch the baby there instead of your place because they are more comfortable an know where things are, but if it is hazardous for the baby then tell them to come visit if they want to see the baby or get them to babyproof their home.

I have a crazy mum-in-law that we had to get uncommonly strict with because she loves the boys, but does not know how to take care of children in todays standards. When my oldest was a toddler we started letting him stay with her and she would let him eat what ever he wanted and it was not good stuff (candies, cookies, crackers, pops, ect...). She was raised that grandparents spoil their grandchildren, but she took it to and extreme. We had to set a rule that he could only have those things after he ate a decent meal and only a small bit of them. Then she must have got soap in his eyes or something that scared him because we had to practically force him in the tub to take a bath and he loved it before that. She let him fall out of a highchair, fall down the stairs, and get into her makeup and medicines. Luckly he was never injured, but we had to be very stern with her and insist that she babyproof her home or come watch him at our place. She followed our rules for a bit until we had our 2nd son. Now she is not allowed to watch them by herself because she refuses to follow our rules to keep our boys safe and healthy. Honestly I do not know how my fiance survived unscathed and turned out to be the father he is. Your granparents do not sound like they are allowing that kind of thing so your lucky.

She also got upset that we would not drive and hour to her house when she wanted to watch the boys. We did not have the time or money for a trip like that and she asked to watch them we did not ask her to. If the grandparents really want to watch the grandchildren then they will do everything in their power to do so including driving to come get them.