To be annoyed that grandparents only want to look after ds at their house?

[digggers]

My ds is 1 and a bit. My mil and fil live an hour away. They are nice people, and they dote on ds. They are eager to look after him, but only at their house. When I first went back to work I asked mil if she'd like to look after ds, as she'd been assuming, before I arranged alternative childcare. She said only if he came to them, which is dificult as I don't drive and he at the time was exclusively breastfed and didn't take a bottle. So I arranged alt childcare.

Now everytime we use other childcare they say "you should just bring him over to us" . I don't know why they won't come over here! It is much harder for us to take him there, means he's away for much longer and is difficult for me emotionally (pfb!).

Now I know that I need to be able to leave him, and I want him to know and love his grandparents and enjoy staying at their house. So we do go over and stay regularly and stay. But each time they get narky that we've brought stuff with us to use in preference to what theyhave there. (ie our travelcot, rather than their ancient one. Ds's teddies he cuddles in bed rather than the one's they have there). I get taken the mickey out of for bringing tomuch stuff (a travel cot and day ruck sack!)

However, I do want ds to stay with them, and I know I have to get used to it for his sake, so last weekend we left him overnight there for the first time. Again when I arrived they had their cot set up, and I had to explain again I wanted to use ours. They hurried me off, told me to go he'd be fine when I'd wantedto help settle him and put him to bed. But ok I went with it. Came back the next day toget him, and it transpired that they'd not put him to bed till 930pm, when he normally goes at 7. Apparently he looked like he wanted to come downstairs and play! And we picked him up at teatime, and mil had already bathed him and put him in his pyjamas because he had a "stinky bum" and not fed him. So by the time we got home, he was starving, so after dinner wouldn't go to bed till 10 ish. And then for the next week he wouldn't goto bed till 9.

Now I suppose disruption is the price to pay for free childcare and ds having loving grandparents. But is it too much to ask they follow a basic routine of tea, bath and bed by 7?

They are both fit and well, in their 60s, don't work and both drive. Is it also unreasonable for them to come here tolook after him?

Sometimes it feels they just want him on their own, in their own house and on their own terms? Why?

My sis used to ask me to sit for her and I preferred to have my niece at mine as it meant I could watch my TV in my house and go to sleep when I was ready rather than struggling to stay awake until she got home. It's just more comfortable and I guess the older one gets the more important that becomes.

The not following your routine stuff would happen in your house too presumably so that's a different matter. Kind of a gp thing it seems - my ILs are always saying 'you don't look very tired to me' to my DD after I've mentioned bed time. My DD, the one running round in a manic whirl with dark circles like Ozzy Osbourne's. But they don't see her that often so I just grin and bear it.

Good to know it's not that unusual, and that all if us are being a little unreasonable and reasonable. It's all a learning curve. Thank you .

Thanks to for the observation about ds differentiating between different environments and routines. I'll remember that.

Thanks everyone. So many responses. I'll try and respond to more in abit!

No dinner bath bed by 7 is not unusual and contorlling but to be perfectly honest it makes not a blind bit of difference in the scheme of things.
My dc's have stayed at both sets of grandparents regularly when we lived closer and from my experience it does no harm and they learn quickly that each household has a different set of rules and routine to follow.

I do think YABU in expecting the rigid routine and complaining about them asking for ds at their house.
I at times have looked after a friends dd and it is far easier in my own house than at friends, more relaxed and my own things are here etc.
If you want dc's to have a good fun happy relationship with their granparents you really do have to learn not to sweat the small stuff.
I know easier said than done I was exactly yhe same with ex MIL and dd (my PFB) but over time I did realise how silly I was being at times and bit my tongue and as long as the dc's were safe let them get on with it and learned that way.

Novelty value - they have this fab little boy who is a treat to have around and they fancy keeping him up a bit late, it won't kill him.

The not-feeding him thing sounds like poor organisation that's all - they probably meant to and got carried away playing soapy bubbles in the bath.

It'll settle down.

The not coming to you. Well can they stay over with you if they babysit? Perhaps they feel stifled by your rules in your house, have you said 'treat the place as your own while you are babysitting?' or allowed them to leave something of theirs there so they feel more at home?

And thanks to all offering perspectives as to why they'd only want him at theirs. I really do appreciate it. Helps me to understand their mindframe better.

Diggers - I am sorry you are getting a hard time from others on here.

When I 1st left my DS1 with my IL's who live about 45min away - I left them with a list and a strict routine/timetable so I think you sound pretty laidback. They were pretty good and followed it or at least didn't tell me!

It is forever a minefield of negotation though - even now I am irked that my MIL serves lunch at 2 or 3 pm and she is suprised that my children are grumpy because they are hungry and tired.

Or she will not let my DS2 walk up to school to pick up his brother - she puts him in a buggy he is 3 and a half!

etc etc - all minor irks really.

I am with you on the looking after children in their own home makes sense esp when they are small - I happily take mine to either my mums or IL's but sister has only ever left her overnight in someone else's home once in 4 years.....

Also it's worth giving them 'jobs' to do with him. For example 'would you mind awfully taking him to X toddler group today, he loves it there' etc. Or even 'he is really into puzzles at the minute, I've put some in his bag, he can only really fit two pieces in at the minute' (he will come back being able to 'finish the whole thing, such a clever little chap!' ).

It's fine to suggest stuff but remember to STFU if they ignore you unless they are putting him in danger - letting him watch TV...whatever, dangling him over the lion cage at the zoo.....say something

And believe me, when you get to your second child you will just be cripplingly grateful for a break and skip merrily away happy to receive a child back with the same number of limbs as you left him, even when they redress him in comedy clothes and feed him pringles.

tiny tiny complaints.

get a grip. YABVVU, and controlling. and ridiculous

I don't get the part about the cot. What's wrong with theirs, just that it's old? I can see they might feel a bit hurt if they've gone to the trouble of setting things up so that he's comfortable at their house and then you feel it's not good enough for him.

Just a thought. My parents do a lot of childcare for us and it is nearly always at their house. The reason is that my Mum is very hands on with the DCs but it doesn't come so naturally to my Dad. If they are at their house, he is much more comfortable and occupied and finds it easier to interact with them. For example, he will spend hours in the garden with DS who loves watering, weeding and generally doing odd jobs. Dad can't do that here as our garden is hellishly messy and he's not fit enough to do heavy duty jobs.

Also, he gets very fidgetty if he has to sit still (Dad!) and at home he can potter to his hearts content, whereas here he gets bored if it's just him, Mum and the DCs.

Just a thought, maybe they feel awkward at your house (not saying you make them feel that way).

I understand where you are coming from, honestly I do, but if you can get your DS to them, make the most of it. Some people have ILs from hell and yours sound like they just want to help. Mine often come from my parents wound up and hyper but they have the most fantastic relationship with thir GPs and I think that is worth a bit of compromise on how you like things done.

Take no notice OP, the stock response of be thankful gets wheeled out here all the time. It's unhelpful and means nothing except a touch of the green eyed monster.

You would be a bit U if they were providing free childcare but I don't think it's so much to ask that they broadly do things your way without getting too nitpicky about it.

'YABVVU, and controlling and ridiculous' is the most bizarre, hysterical overreaction to an OP like this that I have seen in my MN life. Very odd.

My MIL was always alot happier having DS in her place too. I don't know if this is the case at all with your family but I honestly think with MIL that if she was at ours all day with DS, she felt like the 'hired help' and also uncomfortable with the dynamics - SHE is the adult in her mind, and my dh (her son) is the 'child' - she's just not comfortable existing on a level, equal footing with us (and would take being 'stuck' at our house as somehow disempowering her and making her feel less 'in charge')

I know this is weird. But I've thought about it lots and DH and I have come to the strong conclusion that's what it is; she's always been his mother rather than his friend or an equal adult and she is therefore alot more comfortable in her own place.

Regarding your DS going down later, I really wouldn't worry. I do think with grandparents you do have to allow stuff that doesn't go on with parents; they are not you, and DS won't be the same with them, and shouldn't be really. It's all part of the fun (and will matter less and less as he gets bigger, because his routine won't be so easily put out).

I prefer to look after dgc in their house where all their stuff is but I am only 20 minutes away.They love coming to my house sometimes too.I think you should let the dgp do whatever they are comfortable with.

YANBU. Some of the responses here are really extreme (and clearly some people haven't read the OP properly!).

My ILs have never offered to have DD (age 1), however, I can imagine that if they did, they would probably want to have her at their house, which is an hour drive away. So they don't offer, we don't ask and we have a happy balance. We see them once a month and stay over and their relationship with DD is developing in that way. In between we also speak to them every weekend on Skype and DD has lots of photos of them around the house. She knows exactly who they are and gets on great with them, without the stress of the babysitting issue. You may want to try some of these things, same outcome but easier life!

YABU imo, as has been said many ways your ILs are fit and in their 60's and have a life and routine of their own, so why bind themselves to your home? Having your dc at their home gives them involvement, is a help etc. The bath before tea thing (stinky bum issue) is really forgiveable imo. Your Mil could have maybe thought what baby could enjoy his tea with a full nappy? You arrive, no time for tea... surely she would have fed etc. As others have said, unless you feel something is very amiss let it go. Your dc will benefit from a wider influence and you do say they are loving.

P.S. What is wrong with an old travel cot etc so long as it is sound and clean? Accepting little things like this will make your life easier!

YANBU imo. Neither set of my DCs grandparents have any inclination to look after DCs on their own and that suits me fine tbh. Their houses aren't suitable to for toddlers and they wouldn't stick to how I wanted things done. It's not on that they keep your baby up til all hours when you have asked them to keep to a routine knowing that it will cause you problems for a week after - the other things are more forgiveable though. I would stick to visiting them as a family or inviting them over and if they ask why then tell them. It sounds like they really love looking after their grandson so they will probably be willing to change their ways if it means they see more of him.
Btw both sets of grandparents come to me 99% of the time - 1 set lives 1 1/2 hour drive away and the others get 2 buses and a train and are happy to do this because they know how hard it is to lug kids around and all the stuff that goes with them.

Why not just go and visit, with your ds, rather than making this into a childcare issue, where your ds stays over alone? He will form a perfectly happy relationship with his grandparents with you there too. My own grandparents lived a couple of hours away, so I only saw them for the occasional weekend, or school holidays, and it was always a whole family visit, but I have the most fantastic memories of them.

Don't be precious about cots and beds either. As long as equipment is clean and safe, what's the problem?

The issue about childcare for when you work is totally irrelevent - your MIL lives an hour away! What right minded person would use childcare an hour away? You made the right decision there, organising your own care. Now let your ds enjoy building a relationship with his grandparents without fretting over whether it's in their house or yours.

Thanks folks! Again, great to hear perspectives and advice from those with more experience. I really don't want to be uptight or feel annoyed with this new relationship, so I'm finding it really helpful to read your comments.

Thanks for the thoughts on the travelcot. Can't believe I didn't realise that I could have been offending herby bringing my own. I just don't like hers, it's old and the matress is very thin, plastic and you can feel the bars through it. And I like to think ds is used to his! But pah, I'll maybe think again, I'd hate to be offending het. Maybe a compromise is in order.

And for the record, I know I'm not being vv unreasonable. I would be if I was kicking off, telling my pil's off, not leaving ds with them, not allowing him to get to know his grandparents etc.. So the extreme responses don't bother me. But I am aware that the general vibe is "chill out, tis life, be grateful fir what you have and look for the positive" . Always a welcome thing to be reminded of! Thank you!

Small question if I may. They overheard me and my dp's convo about needing a babysitter on a certain night and offered for ds to stay at theirs. DP initially accepted, before I had the chance to think, so I said actually could I say no as I'd rather he was looked after in his own home as we were only planning on going out locally and don't need the hassle of him staying away. I'd rather stay in and go out another night than send him to theirs. They looked a bit offended. Was I out of order?

No you were not out of order. That was just common sense and I'm sure you thanked them for the offer. Maybe they looked disappointed but that's not your fault, think affectionately of them and laugh together!

YABVU. PFB x 10.

Whenever people are having in-law trouble, take a look at your DP/DH and think to yourself -

does he still have all his own teeth? (so the sugar ain't too bad)

can he sleep thru the night?

does he choose to eat a bit of fruit and veg now and then?

Is he addicted to fizzy green pop?

does he look like he might have been dropped down the stairs?

If you find the answers to the above acceptable to you, drop off your kids and leave them for as long as you possibly can...

I think I understand what you're trying to say, OP. It's not that you're ungrateful for the childcare, but just that it would be easier (for all concerned bar the GP's) just every so often, to have it take place at yours? And it would mean you could have an extra couple of hours to yourself rather than have to spend it in the car. I think I get that. But don't think it'll happen!

My mum bought loads of stuff for when we go to stay there, ranging from a rickety cot to a pair of flannellette PJ's that DD1 loathes. But it's her way of wanting to be helpful and making our life easier so we don't have the stress of bringing a car load of stuff.

Also it must be quite nice when you are anticipating a visit to get the cot ready, set out the teddies etc etc - she couldn't do that if the stuff wasn't already at hers. Sort of brings my mum a bit closer to her GD's. And don't forget your MIL is probably looking for the kinds of things that were usual to have when she did her own child-rearing - they might look a bit rickety by modern standards but were probably the norm at some point?