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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a teeny bit disappointed at the result of gender scan?

72 replies

WantedTheOther · 31/07/2010 22:59

I won't say which I wanted vs. which we're having as that is a different issue to be shouted at over.

I am EXTREMELY lucky to be having a baby at all, we have been trying for 8 years, and the baby has a major disability (do not want to say on here what that is either, as again - whole separate issue).

So bearing in mind I am going to have a baby with a very serious physical disability, I was hoping just slightly for 1 gender over the other. And it's not the one I wanted.

I'm hormonal, 23 weeks pregnant, with a partner who has done nothing but ignore me since the scan after I admitted I was a bit disappointed. This will be our only child. We may adopt in future, but I am giving up work to stay home with disabled DC and we won't have the money for a long while, never mind the time or energy most likely.

Am I being terribly unreasonable not to mourn just a teensy bit? Not even forever, and certainly not mentioning it to anyone other than DH, but just for a bit am I not allowed to be a little sad?

OP posts:
kayah · 31/07/2010 23:01

some men are finding it very hard to deal with kids disabilities
are you sure that his reaction is due to what you said not to the fact that your child is going to be born disabled?

QOD · 31/07/2010 23:02

Of course you are! My dd was a very precious pregnancy (straight surrogacy) and I wanted a girl! WOuldn't have been disappointed in a boy but not quite as happy! We're all human.

Original poster
WantedTheOther · 31/07/2010 23:04

Kayah that's a valid point. We knew there was a chance after the 12-week scan, but after a botched amnio, only just found out that the disability was confirmed at 17 weeks.

To be honest he hasn't said much about it at all (the disability). I did wonder if he was bottling up his feelings but I didn't want to prod him too much as I know people react in different ways and he didn't seem to be overly upset by it in the first place. Perhaps it's all just now hitting him?

OP posts:
DorotheaPlenticlew · 31/07/2010 23:08

expecting massive xpost ...

Of course you are allowed to feel any way you feel. But it is extremely unlikely you will continue to feel even a shred of that disappointment when your baby is in your arms. So I would really try to not let it preoccupy you.

As has been said so many times on here, babies are complete people, not defined by gender alone, and whatever you think the preferred gender would be like or how you think you would relate to it, could be completely at odds with how it actually panned out even if you got your wish. Girls can be footballers, boys can be quiet emotional sensitive poets, etc etc

I am not sure why the disability is relevant to your slight gender preference, though

2shoes · 31/07/2010 23:11

of course you are allowed to be sad and mourn, you have to mourn the lost child, and if added to that you had a sneaky preference to the sex as well it makes it harder.

if you need any support pop over to the sn board.

Pioneer · 31/07/2010 23:11

YANBU, but once your baby is born your feelings will totally change.
I wanted a girl, out came a boy - I was disappointed for about 5 minutes. Then it was all forgotten.
I think it is quite common to feel like this, yet not many admit it.
I managed to find out from two very honest friends that they felt the same. One actually announced "But I wanted a girl!" as her son was handed to her !

MiladyDeSummer · 31/07/2010 23:11

YANBU. At all. Is only natural. I have two DC, a girl and a boy so people think I'm odd for wanting / needing a third (won't happen) but to me that's what I always thought I would do.

Same as if you always thought you would have a boy or a girl. You need to adjust and come to terms with things.

But you will be a marvellous mother and your child is very lucky indeed.

All the best

Original poster
WantedTheOther · 31/07/2010 23:11

Thanks Dorothea.

I guess I just needed to give a bit of background to show I am absolutely in love with having a baby at all, and it's been a very long, hard, winding road. Didn't want to seem heartless or selfish or seeming like I was interested in nothing but having a blue or pink bundle.

OP posts:
giraffesCanDanceInTheSun · 31/07/2010 23:12

yabu - try having a dead baby thats even more disapointing

DorotheaPlenticlew · 31/07/2010 23:12

oof giraffes, steady on.

2shoes · 31/07/2010 23:13

giraffesCanDanceInTheSun read the whole post!!!

daisy5678 · 31/07/2010 23:13

Harsh, giraffe.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 31/07/2010 23:14

Wanted -- I bet this time next week you'll basically be over it.

Try to think positively about the gender of your baby and build a list in your head of good, positive images and associations. Then when you start to focus on the disappointment, make a mental rundown of those good things.

Original poster
WantedTheOther · 31/07/2010 23:17

Giraffe, we've had 4 actually. Thanks for that.

Pioneer, just posted on SN board, thanks for pointing me in the direction, hadn't even wrapped my head round that really.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 31/07/2010 23:19

giraffes, that is a bit harsh.

OP i think you have every right to feel a teeny bit dissapointed. you know you wont love your child any less or treat it any differently. you know this feeling is only temporary and as soon as you have your baby you will be in love. if i am being honest i was a tiny bit dissapointed when we found out ds2 was a ds rather than a dd. i would have liked one of each but i think everything happens for a reason and i was meant to have two boys, so i quickly got over it and i am jsut so happy with my children regardless of their gender. don't be too hard on yourself and also i think your DH might be having a hard time, if his response to youis anything to go by.

Pioneer · 31/07/2010 23:19

It was 2shoes , but glad you found it anyway.

daisy5678 · 31/07/2010 23:21

I'm sorry for your loss, giraffe, but if nobody could ever say anything negative or wistful about their babies/children on the basis that we should all be so bloody grateful that we've got them, then this website would be pretty pointless. I also think the OP did acknowledge that she is lucky, grateful etc. etc. but is just admitting to being a little disappointed.

LadyBiscuit · 31/07/2010 23:25

I've never really got the gender thing, especially if you already have 4 (unless they are all the same gender). I wonder if you're focusing on that rather than on the disability because it's easier? I don't mean that in a horrible way at all but it must be pretty hard to come to terms with the fact that your baby is going to be disabled, whatever the gender.

Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick

aviatrix · 31/07/2010 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SirBoobAlot · 31/07/2010 23:28

I think a lot of people do, whether its momentarily or long term, and whether they admit to it or not. But I agree with what everyone else has said; as soon as your child is here, you will love them for who they are.

I hope you get the support you probably are needing at the moment, and that you manage to talk things through with your DH. And I am very sorry about your previous losses

booyhoo · 31/07/2010 23:28

lady, OP has had 4 babies but they died.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 31/07/2010 23:28

YANBU

and have a hug too

Pioneer · 31/07/2010 23:30

Ladybiscuit - yes I think you have got the extreme wrong end of the stick......

LadyBiscuit · 31/07/2010 23:30

Oh shit sorry. In that case I think it is entirely understandable

muggglewump · 31/07/2010 23:30

YANBU.
I have not been in your situation but I wanted one gender over the other, and I got it.
Of course I'd have loved the other, but it's human nature to want.

Saying that, I bet in 5 years time you wonder why on earth you wanted that one when the one you got is sooo much better!

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope all goes well with the birth and what follows, you will love being a Mum.
It's the best thing in the world

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