to be a teeny bit disappointed at the result of gender scan?

[WantedTheOther]

I won't say which I wanted vs. which we're having as that is a different issue to be shouted at over.

I am EXTREMELY lucky to be having a baby at all, we have been trying for 8 years, and the baby has a major disability (do not want to say on here what that is either, as again - whole separate issue).

So bearing in mind I am going to have a baby with a very serious physical disability, I was hoping just slightly for 1 gender over the other. And it's not the one I wanted.

I'm hormonal, 23 weeks pregnant, with a partner who has done nothing but ignore me since the scan after I admitted I was a bit disappointed. This will be our only child. We may adopt in future, but I am giving up work to stay home with disabled DC and we won't have the money for a long while, never mind the time or energy most likely.

Am I being terribly unreasonable not to mourn just a teensy bit? Not even forever, and certainly not mentioning it to anyone other than DH, but just for a bit am I not allowed to be a little sad?

OP - the others have said it all really. UANBU of course. Your feelings are natural but once your baby is here you will only want it. I always wanted a girl - my long awaited ivf baby was a boy and I was still disappointed when I found out the gender. But of course now to me he is perfect and I wouldn't swap him for anything. I am so sorry for your previous losses. I hope you and DH get all the support you need dealing with your DC's disability but also enjoy your long awaited and precious baby. You will I am sure, so much.

Giraffe I am sorry for your loss too. The wrong comment of course but borne of desperate loss and grief I am sure.

When I became pregnant I thought I wanted a girl. I actually expected to have a girl, for some strange reason I thought the fact my sister had had a girl, I was one of 2 girls, my mum was an only girl... meant I'd have girls too When I had the scan and was told it was a boy, I'll admit I had a little "but I wanted a girl" moment. I was a bit disappointed. Briefly. But I got over it because most of all I was excited (like you are) to be having a baby. And when he was born I loved him to bits and never for a second wished he was a girl. And when I became pregnant the second time, I said to myself that I hoped it was another boy - it was, but no doubt if it had been a girl I'd have been just as thrilled!

There's really nothing wrong with you for having had a picture in your mind of either boy or girl, finding out it's the other one and feeling a little 'disappointed' (in '' cos disappointed isn't really the right word for the feeling!). You're happy to be having a baby, nobody knows better than you - sadly - that a baby gurgling in your arms is the only thing that matters, really. but you're having a little moment. It's ok. Don't beat yourself up about it.

the op may have wanted a boy, so she wouldn't have to deal with her daugther periods and phyical changes.

Thank you all for your comments. Giraffe, sorry for your loss(es) also if you've been in the same boat. I hadn't originally wanted to disclose the lost babies but your comment rocked me hard.

I know I am being silly, I know I will absolutely love this baby SOOO much it's hard to even comprehend. I am still not over it and probably won't be for a few weeks, but getting baby's room ready, being able to tell people what colour to get, etc. will probably help so much.

Good luck to everyone else.

No need to launch into one at Giraffes because you know what a baby not of the gender you prefer is better than a dead baby. It is just not the sort of comment that should ever be made out loud.

I am pretty sure fom recollection that Giraffes had a DC that was stillborn (apologies if I am mistaken) and as someone who has been in that position I often whisper her answer to myself when I see these threads. We're all entitled to feel the way we feel and I guess if she felt the need to write that comment down she is hurting at the moment.

OP I am sure you wont need to "get over" the news at all, the feelings you have today will disipate quickly and I bet in a week or two it'll be a non issue

So sorry it has all turned out so badly. x

I think its human nature to have hopes and dreams and even preferences (regardless of if people voice them or not).
YANBU in my opinion.

I have a severely disabled 12 year old who lives with a life threatening condition.I've since gone on to have 4 more healthy children and hopefully another due in 20 weeks.

I am no longer with the father of my eldest 4 because he couldn't cope with eldest's disability. I have since married a wonderful man who can see past my childs disability.

I cant work as i'm my childs fulltime carer.

Just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you,pregnancy can be a fraught worrying enough time full of ups and downs without knowing that the baby has a disability.

I wish you all the very best, take care of yourself x

I don't think you're being unreasonable,normally I do on threads of this subject but I was in a similar position once and it made things very different.

I got pg with a natural miracle after years of IVF only to be told of a very high chance of a disability (Downs),having prepared myself for dealing with Downs I really wanted a boy as I thought rightly or wrongly he'd be less likely to be taken advantage of as an adult.

I had a girl without Downs but the upset before was due to me preparing myself for the life ahead which I knew I could handle but in my own way. That's all you're doing preparing yourself for the road ahead so don't beat yourself up about it.

Also infertility takes away all your choices so I think some IVF mums mourn a gender as they presume this is their only chance so they have to come to terms with the gender issue sooner than a lot of other women and grief at probably not doing it all again iykwim. It's a combination imo.

I think you sound amazingly strong and think you'll be a lovely mum. Don't start beating yourself with the guilt stick,believe me motherhood can be one long guiltfest if you don't give yourself a pat on the back now and again and acknowledge the tough moments for what they are. You're going through a hard time so you can feel what you like imvho.

I really hope the rest of the pregnancy and birth go well for you and your dp. He'll come around he's probably having a moment,preparing himself,I know my dp did. We pulled together after both confessing our worries.

Are you eligible for any professional support?

nancy I didn't launch into one, if you read my comment it says that I actually am sorry for her? Where the heck did you misconstrue that?

We have had stillborn babies, did you miss that post too?

OP I think Nancy was saying that to the people who did launch in to one, not directing it at you (Or looked that way to me anyway)

Me too wanted

yadnbu

i have 3 of one sex, never found out before the births and with my third i definitely had a tiny bit of coming to terms with never having the opposite whilst still loving them to bits and being grateful for coming out of the whole thing with both of us alive ( another story). i did want to know in advance so that i could get used to the idea but hubby didnt.

best of luck with the birth and your lovely baby

I can't believe anyone would think that it was unreasonable! I've seen threads where people have been devastated they're having the wrong sex and acted like it's the end of the world and yes I can see that's not necessarily unreasonable but I do get cross at them because they actually have a healthy baby and it should be enough!

I've lost four babies, one that died in my arms and when I went on to have the babies that did well I was hoping for a girl and I was glad I got one. I had them both under General Anaesthetic and the first time Mum woke me up telling me I had a little girl, you can't imagine how that felt! Through every single pregnancy I hoped for a girl and was sure I wouldn't, I was relieved and happy and excited!

Am I unreasonable? Should I have just concentrated on safely getting my baby wombside? I would have loved any baby equally, but that didn't stop me rooting for the pink side!

Safely wombside??? I meant safely out of the womb of course...

Wanted my comments were directed at those who did launch at Giraffe of whom there were plenty.

As an aside I cannot begin to imagine the pain of having four stillborn babies, you are obviously grieiving those losses and given how this must compound your current situation I wonder if you have had any contact with sands? They have been a tremendous source of support and if you haven't spoke with them already I really recommend that you do.

Nancy - Giraffes did say something that was totally out of order in the context of this thread. Very understandable that she should feel that way but if people had just let it stand then the poor op (who was upset by the remark) would have been left without the support she so much needs. Whatever your past history you don't get to say whatever comes in to your head without people challenging the remark if it's unreasonable. From what I remember nobody challenged Giraffe - only her post.

Nancy, sorry but I agree with others, if Giraffe felt like that then that is her right but I feel that comment should have been kept to herself. She didn't know the OPs circumstances so I think her comment was out of line.
I'm sorry for her situation too and if for what it's worth I do think it is BU to be disappointed when you don't get the sex you were hoping for but I'm sure the OP will love the child as much as is humanly possible.

Northern I don't disagree that what she said was inappropriate in the context of this thread.

However I can also recognise that someone who feels the need to make such a comment needs support not a bashing and I think those that posted just to have a dig at giraffe without reference to the OP's suffering also deserve to be challenged.

There are many many places on MN where you can gain great support (the bereaved mothers thread and the gentle pregnancy thread are two great sources of supporst which the OP might benefit from) all of which might be more appropriate for the OP if what she, understandably, requires is comfort and hand holding.

If you post in AIBU, then whatever your history you have to expect to be told yes you are and this is why.

But she was asking was she being unreasonable to be a bit disappointed in the sex she was having does that really necessitate a response about a dead child. Sorry that's just cruel and unwarranted.

tootles of course it didn't necessitate that response but instead of people getting shitty with giraffe perhaps they should have considered why she said it. It is no less cruel and unwarranted to have a dig at a woman who is clearly suffering due to her own loss.

FWIW I think disapointment with gender becomes an issue because it is news given at a scan. For many woman who have suffered losses and who find the idea of a scan intrinsically linked with the news of their own loss they cannot understand how anyone could be anything less than delighted just to hear their baby is alive.

I realise that the OP's situation is far more complex than simply being pissed of she is getting a girl and she certainly doesn't deserve to be criticised but neither does anyone who posts, what I assume, was a kneejerk reaction when hurt.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, and I dont' think that even without these issues that you're having to deal with (so so sorry for all your losses ) you'd be unreasonable to prefer one over the other. We just had an early gender scan to find out, and I had originally wanted the other sex to what we're having, but I'm completely over it already (after just 2 days!)

I agree with what another poster said, to focus on the positives of the sex you're getting rather than what you'll be missing out on with the other one. We're having a boy and I personally think little boys are more affectionate, less stroppy, get over their tantrums much quicker, have better clothes , get mucky, love sports, can be sensitive and sweet, and don't forget 'mummy's little boy'. If you're having a girl, think about how little girls gaze more into your eyes as babies, they will turn to you for advice and help, they have lovely hair , and can do everything boys can do!

Hope to have brightened you a bit

I totally agree with nancy 100%

That does not make me 'against' the OP for whom I have great sympathy. I have already made that clear and do not think this is OP v Girrafe.

Two bereaved mothers have unfortunately collided due to a misunderstanding. Girrafe does not deserve some of the comments posted here. Wanted also deserves understanding and support. I would like to offer both, not one or the other.

Grief can make you say harsh things. That doesnt make you cruel. It makes you deserving of understanding and support.