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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a teeny bit disappointed at the result of gender scan?

72 replies

WantedTheOther · 31/07/2010 22:59

I won't say which I wanted vs. which we're having as that is a different issue to be shouted at over.

I am EXTREMELY lucky to be having a baby at all, we have been trying for 8 years, and the baby has a major disability (do not want to say on here what that is either, as again - whole separate issue).

So bearing in mind I am going to have a baby with a very serious physical disability, I was hoping just slightly for 1 gender over the other. And it's not the one I wanted.

I'm hormonal, 23 weeks pregnant, with a partner who has done nothing but ignore me since the scan after I admitted I was a bit disappointed. This will be our only child. We may adopt in future, but I am giving up work to stay home with disabled DC and we won't have the money for a long while, never mind the time or energy most likely.

Am I being terribly unreasonable not to mourn just a teensy bit? Not even forever, and certainly not mentioning it to anyone other than DH, but just for a bit am I not allowed to be a little sad?

OP posts:
kayah · 31/07/2010 23:33

WantedTheOther - I know that from myfriend whos son has Authism
she says that various groups she attends with him are full of single mothers...

she saw many marriages crumble
and she always stresses that that gets overlooked - the father who can't admit to having a disabled child

her ex still can't face the fact that his 20 yo son is disabled (exleft when his son was 6), never introduced him to kids in his new family (but introduced his elder daughter who is at uni now)

perhaps now is the time for you two to discuss it and contact some charities, where you can get some help

parenthood is hard, no one can prepare us for the emotions it brings, yet we have to cope with them

hope all goes well for you

DorotheaPlenticlew · 31/07/2010 23:34

Good lord, 4 losses I'm so sorry to hear that.

feel any damn way you want, you've been through the wringer. It'll pass. Trying to pretend you don't feel it will not help. Still think it is worth making a conscious decision to think positively about the gender you've got, though.

AbiAbi · 31/07/2010 23:37

YANBU.

You're allowed to feel any bloody way you want in these circumstances, no one elses business.

plonker · 31/07/2010 23:39

Giraffes - thats bang out of order!

Wanted - I think it's a perfectly normal viewpoint, and certainly one that I shared for a short while. I promise it doesn't last and when your baby is in your arms you'll feel nothing but love.
For me, it wasn't the disappointment in having one sex, it was more a disappointment in not getting to experience the other sex ...if that makes any sense at all

The very best of luck to you all

NonnoMum · 31/07/2010 23:43

I think it's absolutely fine to be disappointed over finding out the gender. Think plenty of people do. But they do get over it, sometimes in a few minutes, sometimes it takes a bit longer.

I'm just a bit worried about you, OP, as you have had to take so many knocks recently. Do you get some sort of counselling/advice about dealing with your DC's disabilities? I'd ask if there is any advice around as you are dealing with so many emotions at the moment.

Bet you'll be a great mum, though. All the best.

booyhoo · 31/07/2010 23:45

i remember when i was pregnant with ds2 i started feeling very scared about not being able to love the baby the same way as i love ds1. i was really upset about it. i didn't want to feel like that but to me it was a very real fear and i just couldn't imagine ever loving anyone as much as ds1. exp made me feel awful about it. he started threatening to take the baby away if i ever treated it differently to ds1. he said i was a freak and "what mother doesn't love their baby?" well, actually quite alot of mothers can find it difficult to love their children but anyway. he made me feel so bad that i shutup about it and pretended the feeling had gone and that i was ok with it all when really i wasn't. thankfully, the feeling did go but i really resented exp for making me feel like i was a bad person for feeling something i had no control over.

OP your disappointment will fade, but don't for a second think you are the first person to feel this way or that your are bad for feeling this way. these are normal feelings and they are your real feelings and you are entitled to speak to people in order to get some support for how you feel.

amimagic · 31/07/2010 23:55

It's fine to feel disappointed, you are human but it most definitely won't last. The previous suggestion about building up a list of positives is a very good one, and will help with your mindset over the next few months (I speak from experience on this one)

Your partner is no doubt struggling a bit himself, and may not be able to say the right things at the moment.

Dinkytinky · 31/07/2010 23:58

I think yanbu- I would really like a girl and DP would like a boy, but on the other hand I know how happy a boy will make dp so I want that too iyswim?!
You've obviously had alot to deal with in a short space of time so try not to be too hard on yourself.

I think you should make some time to chat to dh, just sit and the table with a big cup of tea each and go for it- it seems you are both feeling a little bit lonely and lost, and a nice chat would do you alot of good!

Congratulations on your baby

thefirstmrsDeVere · 31/07/2010 23:59

Dont be too hard on Giraffe. She reacted to a OP. The lost babies are not mentioned in the OP. She lost her child. Its late.

I am sorry for you losses wanted. I am also sorry that you are having such a stressful time.

I have just had DC5. My 4th boy. He is perfect and wonderful and I love him. I did want a girl. I lost my DD 4 years ago and I miss having a girl.

I dont regret having my DS for one millisecond. I dont wish he was a girl IYSWIM. I will always have a little yearning though. I wont be having anymore babies.

You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do. YANBU.

bosch · 01/08/2010 00:11

thefirstmrsDeVere reminds me what I think about my boys. I've been pg 5 times, 2 early mc and 3 gorgeous boys. I always think my early mc were girls, but if I'd had one of those I'd have to give up one of my boys. Makes me want to cry to even imagine making that decision.

OP, unreasonable at all, perfectly normal. But you'll be alright. I was lucky that I only found out flavour of my babies when they were born so didn't have to 'come to terms' with the fact that they were all boys before I could hold them and see them and feed them, and then it really doesn't matter what flavour they are.

bosch · 01/08/2010 00:12

eek, first typo spotted, meant to say 'OP, not unreasonable at all...'

Northernlurker · 01/08/2010 00:29

I'm assuming Giraffe didn't even read the op because I'm sure if she had she wouldn't have posted such an ill judged comment. My guess is that the title hit her on the raw.

OP - all the best with your baby. It's fine for you to feel a little lost atm - lots of changes and adjustments to make.

BohoHobo · 01/08/2010 01:49

YANBU. I have had several miscarriages, some later than others. I have 3 children and DC3 was a huge shock/late arrival. I found it hard to come to terms with the pregnancy, and despite my multiple miscarriages, I desperately longed for one gender over the other, as I felt it would help me bond.
Wishing you lots of luck

BitOfFun · 01/08/2010 02:20

You'll get over it- a baby is a baby, and they will light up your world. Don't feel bad about wishing for a different flavour, I'm sure it won't matter once you hold them. Congratulations

My second child has quite serious SN, and she is challenging etc, but fucking bloody amazing and beautiful. Frankly, I wouldn't have her any other way. She is just her, and I couldn't imagine her as anything else.

superdragonmama · 01/08/2010 02:39

I've had 8 pregnancies, 3 dc's, and very major complications with the births. When pregnant with third DC found myself a bit obsessed with what sex it'd be - and in hindsight think this was largely because I was so panicky about the birth, due to previous complications,so anxious that I might lose it after my history of miscarriages, and so upset and angry, and even jealous, that I could never have a smooth delivery - also due to earlier massive complications - that the only 'control' I seemed able to exercise emotionally was to desire one sex over the other. Does this make any sense to you? Having a disabled baby is such a big thing, especially your first, especially after losing 4 other - oh, my heart goes out to you! - and maybe part of you thinks, why can't I even have the sex I want??

But I found once my baby was there, well, that was it - he couldn't have been anyone else. He was himself, entire, beloved, and I completely forgot I had ever even imagined I would want any other child. I'm sure you'll feel something similar

I wish you great happiness as your pregnancy continues.

confuddledDOTcom · 01/08/2010 02:44

I've held my baby knowing from birth knowing she was going to die sometime soon and I watched her every breath until she stopped then watched some more.

I'd never say something so callous and you know what? There are days I'd happily give my LC away! I've lost four in all and it does make me grateful to have two wonderful children who survived pregnancy, but that doesn't mean I can't have normal feelings.

I was right both times with the gender and I was pleased! I would have been happy to be wrong but I was so excited knowing I had what I wanted.

OP, YANBU, but it will pass and as the others said you'll not be able to imagine a different life one day. I had a friend who asked me how to look after girls when she was pregnant with #3 because she'd had two boys and wouldn't know what to do with one! She did have a boy and probably still thinks girls are hard work. That will be you (which ever way) pretty soon!

EricNorthmansmistress · 01/08/2010 08:16

YANBU
I'm so grateful they couldn't see DS's gender at the scan because my disappointment lasted all of 30 seconds after he was born - but I would have hated to have to deal with feelings of disappointment for the last half of the pregnancy. Adding in that this will be your own child and will have additional needs for you to wrap your head around - YANBU at all but trust that the disappointment will completely melt away when you meet your gorgeous baby. Right now I couldn't imagine actually having a girl as my DS is so perfect

EricNorthmansmistress · 01/08/2010 08:30

I meant only not own!

sanielle · 01/08/2010 09:08

I can think of at least two very good reasons why the OP might have a preference of gender (either way) due to child having a disability.

Don't think it fair to judge her situation at all.

OP think you will hold your baby and be amazed- at how perfect ther are. No matter what. Lots of luck for a healthy pregnancy

teaandcakeplease · 01/08/2010 09:14

I haven't read all the responses but you do have a lot on your plate right now

I struggled with disappointment for a short while on the gender of my second child after the scan. But he is truly lovely and I now feel guilty to think I ever for a moment felt disappointed. At the time I knew it was wrong but found it hard to snap out of it for a short while. We're all human.

As Sanielle said: OP think you will hold your baby and be amazed- at how perfect ther are. No matter what

Hope things pan out with your lovely partner very soon x

fedupofnamechanging · 01/08/2010 10:36

I think that when you see your baby for the first time, you won't be able to imagine ever wanting anything different to what you have. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy

ReasonableDoubt · 01/08/2010 10:46

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate - a much longed for pregnancy (exciting and wonderful, but anxiety-provoking after what you have previously been through); coming to terms with the fact that your baby has a disability; and now a slight disappointment over the gender. Maybe you are channeling a bit of your sadness about other aspects of the pregnancy into the gender news? Ignore me if that is a load of codswallop!

I'm not surprised you and your DP are struggling a bit, though, is what I'm saying. You're obviously dealing with things in different ways, which is quite normal, but obviously can leave you both feeling quite isolated and unsupported. Could you try having a calm, frank conversation about it, and just let it all out and say 'Look, this is just how I feel right now, it will pass, but I need to be able to express it to you' sort of thing?

Good luck. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful person and I'm very sure that the minute your baby is born you will not give the gender thing another moment's thought.

ReasonableDoubt · 01/08/2010 10:47

p.s. giraffe, your comment was really inappropriate. You never know who has lost babies, so really best in future not to make insensitive comments like that.

Horntail · 01/08/2010 10:51

Its not BU at all. I can really empathise with the poster who said they regretted not experiencing the other gender. I have three of one gender - and despite WANTING the third to be the same as the other two - for them really, felt a twinge of grief that I would never experience the other (or get to use my favourite name! )

its normal to ave these feelings and I am quite sure when your dc is born you will love it completely, for exactly who it is and not want to change if for 1000 of the other gender!

benbenandme · 01/08/2010 11:44

I really feel for you OP and you too Giraffe.
Op you must be a very strong person to have gone through so much pain and keep trying. You will be rewarded with this soon with your beautiful baby and, as others have said, their gender and their disbility will be part of them and you wouldn't want to change them for the world.

Giraffe, I'm guessing you're going through pain too right now, yes your comment was ill-thought but I hope you are not suffering too

I wish you well for the rest of the pregnancy and I hope you enjoy every special second with your baby

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