In thinking Stepson doesn't need an operation, he needs some decent parenting?

[AnotherNewStepmum]

A Bit of background first -

DP and I have been together for just over three years and have a young family. DP and his ex split up just over six years ago. Ex doesn't like me as she harboured hopes that DP would go back to her, and since we've been together she has been problematic about letting DP see their son. DP doesn't have parental responsibility for his son, but has seen his solicitor and is in the process of remedying this situation. He see's his son three times a week and we have him every other weekend and lots during the holidays too - i would love to have him more, but his mother simply won't let us.

So, the problem. SS is 11 and is morbidly obese. When DP left he was a normal sized five year old and he now weighs over fourteen stone. His mother will not acknowledge that this is a huge problem - SS was seeing a peadiatrician and when he told her that if SS did not start to loose weight then he would have no choice but to inform social services she actually moved house to a different area! She now makes DP go to all ss's doctor or hospital appointments because she doesn't want to be shouted at because of his size. SS is currently being tested for Thyroid problems and Prader Willi Syndrome.

When we have SS here i always try to make sure we eat as healthily as possible - lots of fresh fruit and veg and decent portion control - hell, i love my food too, but i want to show SS that he can't continue
eating like this - but it doesn't matter what we do when he's here, when he goes home it's all undone by his mum.

Last week i asked SS what he'd done so far in the holidays and he said he's stayed in his room playing on the xbox. All day every day. I asked what mum does and he says she's in bed most of the day. We dropped in one day and she was indeed in bed, and ss was making his own tea - four microwaveable burgers and microchips.

He's due to start high school this time, and we have just measured him for his uniform - he has a 49 inch waist, poor love. It's going to be night on impossible to clothe him properly, and i'm so worried that he's going to be badly bullied.

Anyway, his mothers latest idea is that he should have a gastric band surgery. He's 11, FGS - he needs to be taught to have a healthy relationship with food, and some decent parenting, not surgery.

I'm not saying everything is SS's mums fault, we're doing what we can, but AIBU in thinking he doesn't need surgery??

No. Hell, no, you are not!! Could your DP contact social services himself and tell them about her moving house to avoid paediatrician?

Fat Camp

OMG the poor child and YANBU chances are all he does need is decent parenting and guidance re food. Who on earth in their right minds lets an 11 year old eat FOUR microwave burgers (and chips) for dinner.

Is she depressed or just a lazyarse to be staying in bed all day every day? Could he possibly stay more with you over the hols or would that cause even more problems? Feeling so so sorry for him poor lad

He is fourteen stone!? OMG

I thought I was going to tell you to butt out and are you a doctor? But 14 stone at 11 years old? That's a tragedy. the poor child will have a miserable life being teased or at best ignored.

Sorry - in my rush to get it all out, i forgot to add that DP has tried sevaral times to involve social services and keeps being told that as he doesn't have parental responsibility then they can't act unless child is in danger.

TBH i don't know if she's depressed, i hope not, but my main concern is SS.

They will wait for the results of the prader-willi test before surgery I expect....

She should be out walking with him to try and get this under control before he starts school. NOt lying in bed.. Even depression is no excuse. If she's depressed she needs to seek help so she can help her son. SHe can't sacrifice her son to her depression.

starts secondary school I mean.

I would suggest a year out to try and get his weight down and then a delayed start at 12. But that's just me. I really would hate for my child to start school being 'the fat one'. School is hard enough.

Oh, the poor child.

FWIW, and I realise I'm hugely in the minority on MNet on this one, I don't think that issues of weight are as simple as calories in - aclories out or responsible parenting. I think the focus on size instead of health is problematic, blah blah, nobody cares tortoise, shut up.

But, his weight aside, his mother sounds seriously depressed. He's eating bad food without enough nutrients for a child that age. And bariatric surgery is both horrendously invasive, has a long painful recovery time, has massive side effects, can be fatal to some patients, and on top of all of that, has a recividism (failure - patients revert to previous weight) rate of 40 - 60% depending on study.

So surgery is an awful idea, but more than that if his mum's spending most of the day in bed then there's a lot wrong in that household. Has your husband done much about getting custody? You say she's been problematic, but if she's that depressed and SS is involved, it's worth pushing, surely?

If i could i would have him come live here in a flash - he's a genuinely lovely lad with a great sense of humour, and we get on well.

I just wish i could help him.

I'd say a 14 stone 11 year old is in danger wouldn't that be morbidly obese already? God poor poor child how long will it take for parental responsibility to take effect so he can get his son some help?

this is so sad.

yes i absoloutely agre with you. she is qguilty of very slack perenting wrt his relationship with food and his excercise. if i was your DP i would be contacting social sevices and taking on the responsibility for all his appointments (i know he is already doing this) making it very clear to the mm how much danger you stepson is in if he continues like this. and try very hard to have him with you as much as possible. the poor boy doesn't sem to be having much input from his mother. also, educate him yourself on what he should be eating and portion size and excercise. eating small portions infront of him is good but you also need to tell him why. verbalise your actions. take him out on his bike and tell him why it is important to excercise daily. this will all sink in and hopefully he will carry it al home and maybe it will spark some effort from the mum.

so sorry for typos.

She keeps threatening to take SS back to Ireland - where she's from - if we cross her, and DP is worried that she would go through with it.

I've told him more then once that we should just refuse to send him back, and keep him with us, but we can't really do that - she'd have the police on us before the day was out.

TBH the only time she seems animated is when she's busy looking after her grandchildren - hshe has other older children that aren't DDP's - and she seems to look after them quite often.

They won't act until he's in danger? I would say eating yourself to death is a pretty big danger especially when his mum seems like she can't be bothered with it.

FGS, who thinks of surgery for a kid rather than a healthy diet? The mother obviously has some serious issues, especially if all she does is lie around all day.

If the poor kid doesn't get it under control with her help, he's doomed to a high school life of constant bullying.

I totally applaud you though for stepping up and trying to do what's right. I hope it works out okay.

ok, it sounds like he would benefit from a joint residency agreement. if i was your DP i would get the PR and then go straight for joint residency without telling her. is it the rep. of ireland or northern ireland she is from? and also, if she is very involved with her GC will she really leave them just to piss you off?

When we have him here we do go out and do things - he loves swimming, so we try to do that as often as possible, and we go to the park with a football ect.

DP actually went on a course with him, to promote healthy eating ect, it was run by the local authority, but SS's mum wouldn't go.

It really feels like we're banging our heads against a brick wall.

Hell, if we owned a dog and it was fourteen stine, we'd be prosecuted.

She's on about moving again because Social Servicesw are getting close.

can you give him some high impact education about food choices? It will be VERY difficult for him to regulate his actual appetite, as he is so dreadfully overweight his body will be permanently screaming for calories.

is he allowed to go to the shops on his own? Is there ever anything healthy in the house? 3 jacket potatoes done in the microwave has about the same fill value as 4 microwave burgers and chips, and about half the calories, and a Fraction of the fat.

The poor child is being neglected, and really the mother needs to buck her ideas up or send him to live with you and have visitation rights to him.

She's harming him. If he was a normal weight at five, he does not have Prada Willi syndrome all of a sudden.

49 inch waist? Jesus, he'll be in serious trouble now and will be lucky to see his 30th birthday.

Sorry for typos.

We're actually due to see the solicitor on Weds, so i think we'll be talking more of a joint residency order.

booyhoo - she'd take them with her, the parents and all...

you say you have him 3 times a week and every other weekend. this is actually quite good in term sof excercise. do you have him like mon, wed, fri or mon, tue, wed?

you sound great, you really are tackling this. thank god he has you both. keep up with what you are doing and try and increase the amount of time he spends with you. how does he feel about his weight and changing his eating habits and excercising?

really, do her grown up children not have work commitments and families where they are? would they all just give up everything to follow her to ireland?

When we have him we go to the supermarket and he chooses what he'd like, and more often then not, it's healthy - but he says he's not allowed to choose at home, he has to eat what mum buys.

Can't you get parental responsibility and keep him ?

His mum sounds fucking useless. Poor child

No, they don't work - they are on benifits.

Sorry, what i meant is that DP picks him up form school on Mon, Weds and Fri and he has tea with us, we go and do somthing then he goes home as they now live 30 miles away, so he can't stay over in week - we do have him stay over more in school hols - in fact we have him til Tuesday, then will have him from the monday after that for a week.

If you have him three times a week, ask him to point out what his mother buys, and tell him the best options to eat out of those. can you make some mealtimes spent with you? this might be easier as he gets older.

Then teach him to cook properly. He's a bit young really, but he's actually safer to burn himself a bit than to carry on eating himself into a tragically early grave.

I feel very very sorry for this child.

I think cookery lessons sound like a good idea - i think he'd certainly enjoy it - especially if we go and choose ingriedients ect. Thatnks for that.

Is there anything else i could be doing?

AnotherNewStepMum, if she hasn't the energy to get out of bed then I can't see her managing to plan and execute a relocation. It takes some energy and drive to relocate, even to Ireland. There would be a lot of forms to fill in, Children's Allowance, Habitual Residence, One Parent Family Allowance.

Can you really see that happening?