In thinking Stepson doesn't need an operation, he needs some decent parenting?

[AnotherNewStepmum]

A Bit of background first -

DP and I have been together for just over three years and have a young family. DP and his ex split up just over six years ago. Ex doesn't like me as she harboured hopes that DP would go back to her, and since we've been together she has been problematic about letting DP see their son. DP doesn't have parental responsibility for his son, but has seen his solicitor and is in the process of remedying this situation. He see's his son three times a week and we have him every other weekend and lots during the holidays too - i would love to have him more, but his mother simply won't let us.

So, the problem. SS is 11 and is morbidly obese. When DP left he was a normal sized five year old and he now weighs over fourteen stone. His mother will not acknowledge that this is a huge problem - SS was seeing a peadiatrician and when he told her that if SS did not start to loose weight then he would have no choice but to inform social services she actually moved house to a different area! She now makes DP go to all ss's doctor or hospital appointments because she doesn't want to be shouted at because of his size. SS is currently being tested for Thyroid problems and Prader Willi Syndrome.

When we have SS here i always try to make sure we eat as healthily as possible - lots of fresh fruit and veg and decent portion control - hell, i love my food too, but i want to show SS that he can't continue
eating like this - but it doesn't matter what we do when he's here, when he goes home it's all undone by his mum.

Last week i asked SS what he'd done so far in the holidays and he said he's stayed in his room playing on the xbox. All day every day. I asked what mum does and he says she's in bed most of the day. We dropped in one day and she was indeed in bed, and ss was making his own tea - four microwaveable burgers and microchips.

He's due to start high school this time, and we have just measured him for his uniform - he has a 49 inch waist, poor love. It's going to be night on impossible to clothe him properly, and i'm so worried that he's going to be badly bullied.

Anyway, his mothers latest idea is that he should have a gastric band surgery. He's 11, FGS - he needs to be taught to have a healthy relationship with food, and some decent parenting, not surgery.

I'm not saying everything is SS's mums fault, we're doing what we can, but AIBU in thinking he doesn't need surgery??

yes, teaching him to cook wood be a great help here.

it is such a hard thing to see someone you love being hurt (neglected) and only being able to do so much for them. he is a child, he shouldn't be fending for himself while his mum sleeps fgs. she really doesn't deserve to have him.

If he chooses healthy food and is happy to excercise with you, but not allowed to at home, it sounds like his mum wants him to be over-weight. This is both emotional and physical abuse.

WTF are socail services playing at, letting them move out of the area to escape? Surely they should contact the socail services dept of the new area and stress that they need to do something.

If a child was being starved to death they would take him away from her, why is feeding him to death any different?

On a more postive note, he has a great influence from you and his dad now and he is nearly a teenager. If he wants to loose weight, he may well turned round to his 'mum' and tell to eff off one-day. The change really has to come from him and he is not far off being old enough to make decisions that go against what his mum wants.

Can you keep putting healthy food in his bag? I doubt his mum unpacks for him. Let him choose stuff like a bag of apples or whatever and suggest he snacks on those ... might be a interim solution til your DH gets PR

he won't get any sort of gastric surgery at his age.

Wait until the parental responsibility is sorted because then you are safer from a backlash.

Once that's done start making your home as fun and exciting a place to be as you can make it. Do lots of trips out for walks, Laser Quest, bike riding, etc, whatever exercise he enjoys most. Make sure he knows he's welcome to be with you whenever he likes.

Also keep teaching him that food does not have to be soaked in fat and sugar to be enjoyable and teach him how to make it himself.

Don't criticise his lifestyle at home or his mum but be honest if he asks questions. Also allow him to discuss how he feels about his weight - preferably one to one to save embarrassment - and help him to make plans to introduce more exercise into his life if that is what he would like to do.

If your DP is going to his hospital appointments he is in a good position to ask for help from a dietician who can also teach him about healthy eating and exercise.

He is lucky to have such a caring stepmum.

is he close enough to his new school to be able to walk to and from? this would be a way of excercising that his mum wouln't have to 'allow'.

I would involve social services as this child needs help. 14 stone age 11

OP has tried to involve Social Services - they don't want to know.

your SS is lucky to have such a caring SM

As others have said he is getting to the age when he can start learning how to cook healthy food & take some of the responsibility for exercising and eating healthily etc. So I would concentrate your efforts on that. Change will only happen if he wants it too & if he does then he'll be nagging his mum himself to help him!

There are some great ideas/resources on the Change4Life site

too to

OP - no reputable surgeon will give him a band until he is at LEAST 16.

Obviously what the mother is doing is "abuse" but I'm sorry booyhoo I wouldn't agree with asking him to walk to school. Obviously the exercise would be great - but perhaps you've never been obese on the streets of the UK - he will be tortured by bullies.

It's all very complicated and I think this needs to be tackled by OP and her husband full time and not 3 meals a week. Unless the child is very dim then how could he possibly not be aware of diet and exercise. We are all very much aware of what we put in our mouths even as children - especially those of us who were overweight children!

If he's not allowed to eat what he chooses at home and she is in essence placing plate after plate of junk in front of him then she herself sounds more like she has Munchausens or the like. What a mess.

I think it's all good and well banging on about "healthy food choices" but rarely in my experience does an 11 year old collect the family allowance, drive to Tesco and fill the trolley... much in the same way these seriously obese people die in hospital - it's not them strolling down to KFC for a bucket!

He does NOT have Prada Willi syndrome - mind you, that'd tie in nicely with Munchausens wouldn't it?

fuckin hell I had a 50 inch waist when 33 weeks pregnant with TWINS

Hi, sorry only just back - went to the park and been doing dinner/bath/bed ect.

IMO i really don't think he has Prada Willi Syndrome either - i think it's a very convienient excuse to let his mother off the hook. He does have an enormous appetite - i will give him his dinner and it literally won't touch the sides and he'll ask for more - the more he gets is more veggies - i reason that if he is genuinely hungry then he won't moan about eating them.

The school he is going to go to is just over two miles away and his mother insists that he will be going in a taxi, which the local authority pay for.

We do send him home with healthy treats, and he does eat them, but then eats junk on top too. I do think he is aware of what he's eating and i worry that he eats for comfort, to make himself feel better.

Poor lad Sounds like you're doing all you can but I think you should push to have him with you more. It doesn't sound like his mum is coping at all. Indeed she is harming him.

We do try to have him as often as is possible, but it has been difficult - she stopped DP seeing him for three months when she found out i was pregnant, and then when DP missed his usual Monday (i was busy giving birth at the time, and he had let them know) she took SS away to Ireland for a fortnight and didn't tell anyone - DP was devestated and SS was gutted at missing meeting his baby brother when he was 'new' - this finally gave DP the prompt he needed to start proceedings re. the PR.

I'd have him live with us in a heartbeat if she would let us, but i really can't see that happening.

Can you refuse to send him back and if the police come, tell them what you have told us and say how genuinely worried you are for him?

You sound lovely and I feel so sorry for him. He sounds really unhappy and therefore eats, making himself fat and unhappy, so he eats..

Have just reluctantly read the book 'the diet delusion'by gary taubes after it was thrust upon me by sister, and it turned out to be very interesting. It's quite a long intense read as it sums up the last 50 years of scientific research on diet. In brief the evidence he collates suggests that basing your diet on carbohydrate and demonising fat (including low fat diet plans given to the overweight), leads to high insulin levels, one side effect of which is that the body does not release stored fat for energy needs.

I mention this because he spends time discussing how an overweight person can indeed be ravenously hungry despite having massive stored food reserves because they cant access them as their insulin keeps it locked away. You say SS has a big appetite- this book would suggest becasue he is very hungry for good reason. Its worth a read and might help, hopefully a link to review of the book SS at least has you and DH on his side

ski forgive me, i never even considered bullies targetting him on the way to school

As a mum of a little boy with Prader-Willi syndrome I have mixed feelings about this post. (lol at those who have called it Prada Willi - its not a designer condition!!)

It was obvious from birth that something was wrong with my son, and it is not only weight gain that points to PW. Does he have any learning difficulties? I have also spoken to lots of families where a PW child does not really show the food obsession and obesity until they are older, so I would keep an open mind on that.

But PW can be managed, so if it was this then his mother will get a lot of dietry support and information.

I also hate to hear PW being used almost as an excuse though, and I work really hard to ensure my son is healthy - he can only have 500cals a day. Due to his extreme muscle weakness - no mobility, and oxygen dependancy it is a constant battle against weight gain as exercise is difficult to manage, although he loves his hydrotherapy pool at school.

Maybe the fact that he is being tested for PW means that he will hopefully benefit from the dietary intervention he needs regardless of the results.

Hi Chorltonandthewheelies - i'm really sorry if anything in this thread has upset or offended you - that really wasn't my intention.

SS does has some learning difficulties yes, but is in mainstream school albeit with a support teacher for a few hours a day - but i'm not sure how that would impact on this?

I just feel that his mother wants it to be this so that she can feel excused/no guilt or blame for him being the size he is.

Obviously though, if he does turn out to have Prader Willi syndrome then we will do everything we can to help him - we're trying to do that now as it is, but ykwim.

Dont worry AnotherNewStepmum I wasnt offended, have developed a thick skin about PW. I asked about the learning difficulties as all PW children have some degree of learning difficulties - this can be mild and they often do attend mainstream school. My little boys needs are quite intense so he attends a special school.

People with PW also tend to fixate on food and talk about it a lot as well as the obvious pleasure when they are eating. They also tend to steal/acquire food if they are not supervised so it can be tricky to manage, even when you are feeding them well.

If it did come back that he had PW please post in the Special Needs section and I am happy to offer any help I can.

I understand what you mean about how his mother could be using it as an excuse - like the long used excuse of being "big boned" or having problems with your "glands". If she is just overfeeding him then they both need help to understand the pressure all the excess weight is puting on all his organs.

Good luck!

You are a really lovely (step) Mum.

It's very sad to see a young boy in this situation. Life at that age is hard enough without weight being an issue as well.

You are in quite a good position to help him though as he actually has more (evening) meals at your house than at his Mothers!

Can you help him to make good decisions re breakfast and school lunches?

As you said, you need to push the legal stuff through as quickly as possible (and don't rock the boat too much until that is sorted), then you will be in a much better position to take more control of things.

Have you talked to your SS about how he feels about his weight, have you asked him what he would like to do about it, how he feels you can help him? Would he like to live with you more than he does now?

Please, please don't take offence at what I am about to say, as I know you really do only have his best interests at heart OK!...

...I really, really think you are doing lots of good things for him, I would just urge you to be very careful that being at your house doesn't start to feel like being at 'Fat Camp' & thus ending up with him not wanting to be there, but to be at his Mothers so he can eat what he wants and do as he pleases, without anyone judging him. It is very easy to be defensive and resistant to change when you are in a bad place...

Continue to let him know that you are proud of him and love him just as he is and that the changes you want him to make are because you love him, not so that you can love him...

I hope some of my waffling makes sense to you.

PS: It sounds like you have a lot of fun when he's there - I'm sure he'd love to come and live with you - I would!!

So the SS has learning difficulties which require a support teacher, i.e. he has special needs. The mother has taken steps for referral to medical specialists to have tests for underlying disorders, so her GP must be taking her concerns seriously. The child's father would not attend these appointments until the mother insisted. She spends a lot of time sleeping, which is a sign of depression and would not at all be surprising after raising a special needs child alone. And now she is being threatened by social services and having her child taken from her.

Well said dinobones.