In thinking Stepson doesn't need an operation, he needs some decent parenting?

[AnotherNewStepmum]

A Bit of background first -

DP and I have been together for just over three years and have a young family. DP and his ex split up just over six years ago. Ex doesn't like me as she harboured hopes that DP would go back to her, and since we've been together she has been problematic about letting DP see their son. DP doesn't have parental responsibility for his son, but has seen his solicitor and is in the process of remedying this situation. He see's his son three times a week and we have him every other weekend and lots during the holidays too - i would love to have him more, but his mother simply won't let us.

So, the problem. SS is 11 and is morbidly obese. When DP left he was a normal sized five year old and he now weighs over fourteen stone. His mother will not acknowledge that this is a huge problem - SS was seeing a peadiatrician and when he told her that if SS did not start to loose weight then he would have no choice but to inform social services she actually moved house to a different area! She now makes DP go to all ss's doctor or hospital appointments because she doesn't want to be shouted at because of his size. SS is currently being tested for Thyroid problems and Prader Willi Syndrome.

When we have SS here i always try to make sure we eat as healthily as possible - lots of fresh fruit and veg and decent portion control - hell, i love my food too, but i want to show SS that he can't continue
eating like this - but it doesn't matter what we do when he's here, when he goes home it's all undone by his mum.

Last week i asked SS what he'd done so far in the holidays and he said he's stayed in his room playing on the xbox. All day every day. I asked what mum does and he says she's in bed most of the day. We dropped in one day and she was indeed in bed, and ss was making his own tea - four microwaveable burgers and microchips.

He's due to start high school this time, and we have just measured him for his uniform - he has a 49 inch waist, poor love. It's going to be night on impossible to clothe him properly, and i'm so worried that he's going to be badly bullied.

Anyway, his mothers latest idea is that he should have a gastric band surgery. He's 11, FGS - he needs to be taught to have a healthy relationship with food, and some decent parenting, not surgery.

I'm not saying everything is SS's mums fault, we're doing what we can, but AIBU in thinking he doesn't need surgery??

Ah, if only it was as simplistic as you make it out to be dinobones.

DP goes to all appointments that he is aware of - very often he is only given a few hours notice of these as all appointments go to her house, and then she'll ring him and say 'DS has an appointment at the hospital at such and such a time, i'm not taking him so you'll have to' meaning DP then has to take morning/afternoon off work with no notice whatsoever - we're very lucky that DP has a very understanding boss. If he knew about the appointments with enough time he could book time of so he could be there - there is no question of him not wanting to be there for his son. It seems SS mum doesn't want to take him to appointments ect yet she is more then willing to hop out of bed and look after her grndchildren at a moments notice. IMO she needs to look at her priorities and maybe reassess them. And tbh, i really don't give a fiddlers fart if she is depressed or not - she is not my concern, her son is. Maybe if she got out of bed more and actually started to look after him properly then social services wouldn't be involved.

ChippingIn - Yes, i totally get what you're saying about not turning our house into a 'fat camp' - that's been one of my concerns too. He does have treats when he's here, and i try to treat him like one of my own - he has pud after his meals if he wants and if we're having a DVD night then he can choose a treat too. I've tried a couple of times to talk to him about his weight, but he's a typical eleven year old boy - goes very red, shy and tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. I've told him i'm here for when he changes his mind.

Why is his dad only going for parental responsibility six years after they split up?

I doubt there is much you can do, other than stay in the current holding pattern until the medical results are through. As well as P-W, you mentioned thyroid tests. Any others?

An underlying metabolic problem would require more detailed management.

Are there ever any positive interactions with SS's mother? I can see why you are exasperated with her, but if she is clinically depressed or has other illnesses, I'd see it as in your interests to do every thing you can to encourage her to get the assistance and support she may need. After all, wouldn't the best circumstances for SS be two functional households?

Because he assumed that as his name was on the birth certificate that meant he had PR. It was only when she dissapeared with SS to Ireland when our son was born and social services told him he didn't have PR that he found out he didn't. We're taking steps to rectify that now though.

It would, onimolap, and i can see that she needs help, i just get so frustrated with her. I have tried to be friendly towards her, but she doesn't want to know. She only refers to me as 'The Slut'- she calls me that in front of everyone, including DP and SS. She calls my children 'The Bastards'. It's getting to the point where i try to avoid her as much as possible, but thats difficult as i'm the only driver here and i have to pick SS up and drop him off.

what a lovely mum you sound. I really hope this works out for your SS. As he enters puberty there is a chance - if he is carefully supported that he ill grow UP and not OUT and end up with a more normal BMI - but this is the LAST chance before adulthood to sort it out..

I hope he does get to live with you -

I think this child is old enough to say for himself where he wants to live and for this to be respected and upheld in a court

AnotherNewStepmum I really feel for you. She sounds lovely . I can understand such loathing from women whose husbands have run off with 'the new stepmum', but as they'd long split before you came along, it's just ridiculous. If they hadn't got back together in 3 years, she was pretty bloody deluded to hold out any hope that they would! At least she hasn't managed to make your DSS view you negatively - it shows he does have a mind of his own

I can also understand why your DP would have thought he automatically had PR as he is his DAD and is on the birth certificate...

I can see that you wouldn't get too far trying to get an 11 year old to talk about it, it is embarassing and there's only so much talking to them you can do before it turns into the fat camp you're trying to avoid - bloody hard isn't it.

I wonder if there is a good book out there that you could leave lying around, something aimed at kids without being toooo obvious Something that talks about making healthy food choices & how exercise is important for wellbeing as well as your trouser size??

A friends little girl is a year older than your DSS, she went up to the Seniors last year. She's really tall for her age (at least 5' 6" - towers over me at 5ft), so maybe taller??) and overweight. I don't know how much she weighed, but she looked fat, rather than just 'well padded' anyway. She was teased all through school (for her weight and other things) and it has been worse this past year - she is now really watching what she eats and as she is growing 'upwards' she is starting to thin out a bit which is giving her the motivation to try a bit harder to mind what she eats. It's not easy for her as her parents buy takeaway most nights etc. They are really nice people and love their kids to bits, but struggle themselves with their weight. (Their son on the other hand is a tiny little thing?!) Her mum suffers from depression and her Dad is very laid back - to the point of being horizontal... they do the best they know how for the kids - but food wise it's sadly less than ideal.

Anyway, my point of that long story is to say that at the same age as your DSS she started making better choices for herself when she could and now asks her parents to buy different food etc and it's paying off... hopefully your DSS will do the same, especially as he has you to lead him in the right direction!!

IMO you shouldn't be going for shared PR but for full custody - you have a duty of care to this vulnerable little boy. It's not about her 'letting' you have him to live with you, it's about getting custody legally enforced.

You also need to tell your solicitor asap about her threats to take him to Ireland. Legally, she would be on very dodgy ground, taking him to another country against his father's wishes. Is there some kind of emergency order you can get to stop her leaving the country with him? You need to ask your solicitor.

Good luck!

I can't add anything to what the others have already said, (you sound like a fab SM)

Just a thought... if he enjoys console games, how about thinking about getting him a Wii? The active games really do get my children bouncing all over the place (although they are younger). I know it's not a solution and may not be practical financially, but an idea. Mine love mario/sonic at the Olymipcs. A wii board would be even better

Good luck