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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my ex to care for our son's medical condition?

55 replies

ilovehens · 28/07/2010 20:39

My son is 11 and has an acute nut allergy. He is highly allergic to several different types of nuts and needs to carry an adrenaline pen with him.

He has recently attended the hospital and the consultant tested him and then told me that he must avoid all foods which contain nuts or may contain nuts at all times. I explain to my son how to read labels and how to keep himself safe. He is sensible about it and copes well with this problem.

He sees his father during the school holidays due to him living so far away. Before he went away he told me that he was very anxious about the foods his father is expecting him to eat and that many of them have nut warnings on and that when he pointed this out to him his father just tells him off.

I am telling him how to cope with this health problem and his father more or less tells him to ignore me. He has had a few scares whilst he has been with him, but not anaphylaxis thankfully.

I am at my wits end and don't know what to do about this problem. This problem has been through the family court years ago and they just said that until something happens to my son there's nothing I can do. The problem is, if he does ingest something dangerous it could kill him.

This man is affecting our son's mental and possibly physical health as well as sending out dangerous messages to the child about what he can and can't eat.

OP posts:
FionaSH · 28/07/2010 20:49

Does your son want to see his dad?

Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 21:12

Yes, but he won't stand up to him. His father is very arrogant and somewhat of a bully. He won't listen to any advice, even from a doctor. I don't mind him seeing his father as long as he takes proper care of him.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 28/07/2010 21:15

i would take it to court with medical records and if possible something from his consultant to highlight teh severity of it. you ex obviously hasn't bothered to learn about his son's condition.

Orangerie · 28/07/2010 21:20

Take him to court... as if it could work... he would go back to his house, ignore the advice, court order, etc. and carry on as usual.

Ring Social Services, it is justified, your son is being put under serious risk, they would be able to advise and act on the situation.

Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 21:26

Yes, he did ignore the court order a few years ago.

If he had epilepsy or diabetes presumably he'd be expected to take proper care, but everyone just shrugs when you mention this problem as if it's just a neurotic dietary fad.

OP posts:
FionaSH · 28/07/2010 21:26

Well then if he does want to see him, can you send his with a cool box of frozen meals and a bag of safe snacks??

Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 21:44

I tried sending him safe snacks down, but he didn't give him them and the problem mainly occurs when he takes him out to eat in restaurants which is several times a week. It's like he's trying to make a point or something. He did tell my son a few months ago that he'd probably grown out of the allergy which is why I asked the GP for a referral back to hospital. The consultant said that she was unwilling to undertake a challenge test (where they give a small amount of the allergen to see what happens) because my son's blood tests/skin prick tests were so high and because several types of nut are involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 21:47

I feel like I'm banging my head up against a brick wall trying to get through to this man that all he has to do is take a little care whilst he's with him. We have to take care and the condition doesn't go away during school holidays when he's staying with him.

OP posts:
FionaSH · 28/07/2010 21:48

Well I wouldn't send him then, but I guess this would land you in all sorts of trouble with the courts and your son would miss out on a relationship with his dad. Sorry you've got such a tough situation :-(

Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 21:49

Do you think I should advise my son to refuse any foods that have a warning on and to just live with his father's wrath, or to eat the foods and hope for the best?

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 21:50

The courts threaten you with all sorts if you stop contact. I've been down this road before and got nowhere.

I wish he was old enough to stand up to him and assert himself. He's still only a kid though and you can't expect it really.

OP posts:
TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 28/07/2010 21:53

He has to refuse, ilovehens, you can't teach him, "you can only eat X Y and Z... unless you're with your dad, in which case just eat whatever so as not to make him cross"

And that's apart from the medical consequences!

Can't believe anyone can be so stupid about their own child's health, what a prize cock he is.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 28/07/2010 21:58

Thinking about the restaurant issue, I had a 'letter' thing in French to show waitresses when we were abroad (DD was dairy allergic).

Could you get a similar one in English for your son to show the staff if he's out with ex? Maybe ask on the allergies board, cause I can't remember where I got it from.

Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 22:07

Yes, my son can ask the staff when in restaurants, but his father doesn't like it. I'm going to have to teach him to assert himself I think. He doesn't need to be rude to him, but he's gonna have to address this problem. My son did say that he'd make an excuse to say he needed the loo and ask the staff then, but he shouldn't need to do that. To my way of thinking it's neglectful of his father to put him in this situation.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 28/07/2010 22:18

ilovehens, the courts are very good at threatening but i was told by my solicitor that when push cane to shove, the y could not make me comply with the order. they would just keep sending out a summons for me to attend which i would have to do but if i dodn't comply they couldn't make me.

anyway, i don't want you to have to go that far. but would supervised contact be an option?

Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 22:23

I asked for supervised contact a few years ago, but they didn't go for that. All they said was that until something happened there was nothing I could do. 'Good enough' care is deemed to be acceptable, but this medical problem is an unusual one and not something the courts are familiar with.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 22:25

My son phoned me on his mobile phone from the toilet in his father's house to ask me if it was okay to eat a pizza that his father had bought him. It had a nut warning on. What am I supposed to say to him?

I wish this wasn't sodding happening.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 28/07/2010 22:37

tell him no and ask him to put your ex on the phone so you can confirm it to him. tell him you have told your son to ring you and check if he is ever unsure about anything. at least this might take your ex's focus off your son but onto you. not ideal but if it was me i would rather be blamed than my son. if ex doesn't accept this, go and collect your son.

booyhoo · 28/07/2010 22:38

btw, for something as serious as this i would go back to court until they granted at least a supervised contact order for a set period. you dont have to have a solicitor. you can represent yourself.

Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 22:40

thanks booyhoo. I'm going to write him a letter tomorrow because I can't speak to him over the phone, he just talks over me and ignores me. I'm also going to phone the hospital to make sure that the consultant sent him a letter about the test results like I asked her to. I don't want him blaming my son over this because I have instructed him on how to check foods and how to ask restaurant staff.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 22:42

Thanks, I did represent myself last time and it was uncomfortable, but okay. I just wish my son was older and big enough to handle this himself. I know I'm supposed to handle it for him, but I've tried time and time again and the man still ignores me. He ignores everyone, it's what he does.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 28/07/2010 22:54

good on you. i was so rattled by the whole thing i went from confident bubbly person to quivering timid mouse. i just couldn't get it together enough to represent myself.

it is so so hard when it comes to things liek these. ex probably thinks you are just using this as a way to control him (which i know you aren't) but he is being very stupid. he is risking his son's life and as hard as this is i think you need to push the issue til he gets the message. why can he just not be a tiny bit responsible and mature and see what he is dealing with rather than blatantly ignore you?

zipzap · 28/07/2010 23:04

Could you do something like ask him straight out if he wishes his son dead because he's going the right way about it? And that he's just trying to get out of paying maintenance by getting rid of his son by getting him to eat things that even his son tells him are really dangerous for him to eat.

Obviously not when your son is around!

But just ask him something really shocking to see if that will have an effect if the standard doctor letters don't.

Also, if he does go away to your ex's and he does try to make him eat something dangerous, how brave would your son be about doing something like ringing up the police (or saying that he is going to) or social services or ??? to say that his father is trying to harm him and he doesn't know what to do?

good luck - sounds a horrendous position to be in

Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 23:06

I dunno. He has to be 'in charge' at all times and he is also lazy and can't be bothered to put himself out or put up with a little bit of hassle for the sake of our son. He is a control freak and will argue his way in and out of a paper bag given half the chance . I limit contact to the bare minimum because he uses it as a way of being nasty to me, so I just keep things business like and my husband speaks to him if it's unavoidable.

Beta blockers and diazepam got me through my last court sessions . I was terrified, but made a better job of speaking up for things than my solicitor ever did.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 28/07/2010 23:07

yes good idea zipzap. ask him straight. "do you want him to die?" and then look at him dead in the eyes til he answers. of course he will say no. at which point you say. "well in that case you have to stick to his safe foods. if you don't, even the tiniest amount of nut could kill him."