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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my ex to care for our son's medical condition?

55 replies

ilovehens · 28/07/2010 20:39

My son is 11 and has an acute nut allergy. He is highly allergic to several different types of nuts and needs to carry an adrenaline pen with him.

He has recently attended the hospital and the consultant tested him and then told me that he must avoid all foods which contain nuts or may contain nuts at all times. I explain to my son how to read labels and how to keep himself safe. He is sensible about it and copes well with this problem.

He sees his father during the school holidays due to him living so far away. Before he went away he told me that he was very anxious about the foods his father is expecting him to eat and that many of them have nut warnings on and that when he pointed this out to him his father just tells him off.

I am telling him how to cope with this health problem and his father more or less tells him to ignore me. He has had a few scares whilst he has been with him, but not anaphylaxis thankfully.

I am at my wits end and don't know what to do about this problem. This problem has been through the family court years ago and they just said that until something happens to my son there's nothing I can do. The problem is, if he does ingest something dangerous it could kill him.

This man is affecting our son's mental and possibly physical health as well as sending out dangerous messages to the child about what he can and can't eat.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 23:10

Hey, zipzap, that CSA avoidance thing did cross my mind a few years ago, but I just hoped I wasn't just being bloody minded. I'm pleased I'm not the only one who's thought of this.

I have tried shock tactics and sending all kinds of info. to him, but he just doesn't listen to anybody. I can't explain how arrogant he is.

My son knows he can phone me and I'll drive down and collect him if he's ever feeling sick of being shouted at by his father.

All this hassle just over food. It's so stupid, I wish his father would just get over himself and try to help rather than throw endless spanners in the works and compromise his son's safety.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 23:17

boohoo, he just says I'm being paranoid if I say something like that. He tries to turn things back on me instead of taking responsibility for the problem. I've tried sending him articles about people who've died from nut allergy, but he just won't have it that his son has this problem.

When our son first had a serious reaction and I had to phone an ambulance, he came back to the house whilst I was pacing the floor waiting for it and he just didn't seem bothered.

When we arrived at A&E, the stupid nurse then proceeded to inform us that the last person whom they'd had in with peanut allergy had died!!!! My God, I didn't need to hear that, but it's stayed with me and I always make sure that I check foods thoroughly and never take any chances. I try not to pass any anxiety onto my son over this, but he still needs to understand that it's vitally important to check foods. I'm a nurse myself, so I understand what can happen if complacency takes over.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 23:18

Maybe his father really wouldn't care if he died. I know it sounds strange, but perhaps he wouldn't be that bothered.

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booyhoo · 28/07/2010 23:19

oh dear. he really does need a foot up his arse. i feel for you OP. does your son like going to his dad's apart from this?

Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 23:34

Yes, he doesn't mind apart from complaining that he's bored most of the time. He likes his dad, but not being away from his friends and his activities at home. They don't provide him with anything for him to do there. I pack a bag with puzzles, books and his DS Lite for him so he has some things to keep him occupied. They're not really child centered people there.

OP posts:
RiverOfSleep · 28/07/2010 23:41

I really honestly wouldn't let him go. I don't know where you stand legally but it sounds like your ex will give him risky food, and if he wasn't bothered about the ambulance incident last time would he even call one? What's the worst that could happen if you defy
the courts?

booyhoo · 28/07/2010 23:41

how long does your ds stay for when he goes? do you think he would prefer to shorten the stays? that way still seeing his dad but not being away from his friends for so long?

booyhoo · 28/07/2010 23:43

when i asked my solicitor anout that river. she said they would just repeatedly summons me to court and grant orders without my agreement but that if i refused to hand over my son they couldn't physically make me. i asked her if i would be arrested for breach of court order and she sadi she had never heard of it happening in a family court case.

Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 23:46

I was told in court that they could transfer residence or land me with costs if I refuse to hand him over and it has to go back to court. Who do you believe?

He does just want to go there for two weeks next summer holiday, instead of three because he can't cope with the boredom. I don't know how old he has to be before he can decide these things for himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovehens · 28/07/2010 23:50

I emailed my question to an online solicitor and they're stumped to give me an answer. They haven't replied yet after asking me a question to clarify a point.

Nobody knows what to do legally speaking.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 28/07/2010 23:51

could you arrange one of those free sessions with a solicitor and find out? and tell them how your ex is and how long it has been going on. see if they reckon it is worth taking back to court?

booyhoo · 28/07/2010 23:51

oops xpost.

RiverOfSleep · 28/07/2010 23:52

I'd make a record/diary of all the things that show his contempt for your sons condition - surely they prove he is unsuitable to have any sort of custody?

I don't know anything about the courts but I'd rather end up with a fine than letting my son face that sort of danger and the terrible consequences.

I really feel for you and your son - good luck.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/07/2010 00:03

Have you tried getting a solicitor to write to his father and say: Unless you comply with food safety issues, you're not going to be seeing your son again, fucknuts (in proper legal language of course)? A solicitor will do this - solicitors often write letters for their clients which suggest and threaten things that the client might not necessarily get through a court.
If you don;t get a good response to the letter, then stop contact. Let him take you to court as many times as he wants.
WHAT YOU ARE ASKING IS PERFECTLY REASONABLE.

Original poster
ilovehens · 29/07/2010 00:05

riverofsleep, it's not a fine that I fear, it's the transfer of residence. If I have to put my son at risk for a few weeks a year just so that he can live with me then it's better than stopping contact and risking him being removed from me and being put at risk all year round. This is the dilemma I have had to face in the past and I made my choice to comply with the contact order knowing that I was still putting my son at risk.

It's not much of a choice really, but that's what it boiled down to. I thought his father would have settled down and agreed to take proper care of him by now, particularly as I'm having to teach our son to manage his own allergy, but it seems not and he won't even back me up in my efforts to instruct our son.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovehens · 29/07/2010 00:08

thanks solidgoldbrass. I have consulted the solicitor service online and I'm waiting to hear what I might be able to do legally in order to try and help things. If a letter might help then I'll try that. I don't want to antagonise him if I can help it, but I have to do something.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovehens · 29/07/2010 00:09

thanks for all the kind replies and advice. I'll have to go to bed now 'cos I'm tired.

OP posts:
MichaelaS · 29/07/2010 01:15

How old is your son? Surely the family courts will speak to your son and find out that your son also agrees that his dad is putting him in a difficult position.

That combined witht he consultant's opinion (to prove the allergy is real and severe) should show that your ex having custody is dangerous until he shows more respect for medical fact?

Is there any sort of test you can do to prove to your ex how serious this is? e.g. a skin scratch test? Not sure it would work though.... good luck

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 29/07/2010 01:19

Ilovehens, this is awful, you poor thing and your poor son.

You said "they don't provide anything for him to do" - is your ex with a partner? Is it worth talking/writing to her instead?

SolidGoldBrass · 29/07/2010 01:29

He won't get custody. Abusive men (and your XP certainly is one) often threaten this - he would have to provide very good reasons why you are an unfit parent for a court to take him away from you and hand him over to someone who is putting his health at risk on a regular basis especially now that he is old enough to have his opinions taken into account.

Clothilde · 29/07/2010 08:57

I think that your ex is behaving appallingy, and that you every right to be fuious and to do your best to keep your son away from him until he takes his son's allergies seriously. But I can also see that you are very, very scared and worried for your son, and I think that you are possibly more worried about the risks than you need be. I have severe nut allergies and grew up in the days before nut warnings, and I eat stuff with "may contain nuts" on all the time. I've never had a cross-contamination reaction to anything other than bakery goods, ice cream or chocolate. If I'm unsure, I touch the food up against the outside of my lips and wait for a minute or two. If I'm allergic, my skin will usually start to swell up at that point. If I'm OK then, I touch it to my tongue and wait. If that is all right, I eat a tiny bite and if I don' react to that, then I go ahead.

Orangerie · 29/07/2010 10:15

The only thing I can suggest apart of whatever has been suggested is:

  • If ex is a control freak, don't put your child in the line of fire. Instead, teach your child how to order safe food in a restaurant or quietly avoid eating things that are not safe.
  • Keep a record, write everything down. I can't stress hard enough how important this is. It does really make a difference when presenting evidence at court or when trying to get an agency to move their arse to help you protect your child.
zipzap · 29/07/2010 11:46

How about asking somebody like the NSPCC or childline if they have any advice on what you could do?

FetchezLaVache · 29/07/2010 12:14

ilovehens, it sounds to me like it's almost a matter of pride to your ex not to "give in" to you over this point, as though he feels he'd be losing face if he did acknowledge your son's allergy. That said, I have no clue how you could possibly arrange things so he could start to behave responsibly without acknowledging his turnaround to you- possibly SolidGoldBrass's suggestion of a solicitor's letter? Maybe taking yourself out of the equation so he was dealing with a third party might help the damned idiot poor love to save face.

Sn0wflake · 29/07/2010 12:41

To be honest I don't think I would send my son to him. Either face the courts and stern letters or risk losing my son. I couldn't face sending him.

Stand your ground. He is being an unfit parent.

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