To think that my partner who I have just saved from bankruptcy is unfair for going to see a film I really want to see after I've done a twelve hour day.

[IwishiwasinFrance]

My partner has consistently mismanaged his finances for the fourteen years we have been together and me and my father have bailed him ou to the tune of iver forty thousand pounds. He has never offered to pay a penny back. When he could no longer keep up the minimum payments despite me paying for everything else bar the mortgage and counciltax on a market traders takings I took money out of my business, effectively eating the stock, to keep him afloat. Realising this was unsustainable and fearing I would lose my business I organised a debt management plan for him based on my CAB training. This has just kicked in. he is a deputy head of a secondary school so has thirteen weeks a year off. I keep trading throughout and tomorrow will do a twelve hour day fifty miles away. He informs me that he is going to see a film I really want to see but know that I can't justify tomorrow night because it will be really cheap. of course it's cheap I'm providing the babysitting! Also, I had forty pounds housekeeping last week which he took for a senior mangement "do" so that he didn't lose face by not going but has refused to help me at a show in the town where he teaches because it's "embarrassing". AIBU to think that if he wants the money he should help get the Effin' money and maybe if you've only just avoided bankruptcy perhaps a little self-sacrifice would be a nice gesture. I can't leave him because he can't afford to give me any child support and the film is Inception which may make you wonder what the fuss is about

Wow. He sounds lovely

He's taking the piss. But the film is just a tiny issue compared to all the rest.

OK - rewind -

HOW has he got into so much financial trouble?

WHY has he never offered to pay it back?

WHAT ON EARTH are you doing worrying about a film with si many more preesing isues here? Are you deranged?

did he mismanage your money in secret. what did he spend it on/

God, he's bleeding you dry.
The movie is just the icing on the cake here. You have thought about leaving him, you have looked into it aswell by the looks of things. Do you need child support from him or are you willing to put up with more of this shit?

Hi undertone, yes I am deranged, neurotic, shouty and frankly losing it. The film is a symbol of his total lack of care and concern for anyone other than himself. Clearly, me not seeing Inception is not exactly a problem but him continuing to enjoy himself at my expense is. He got into so much trouble by taking out loans to pay loans and he has never offered to pay anything back because he says he doesn't have to, it's not his fault or responsibilty and I should want to do this. I'm going to come clean and say I want him to be miserable penitent and downright bloody grateful because he did not engage with the process of dealing with the problem. He is supposed to be getting some website design business but everything he has got I have got for him and I have offered to bankroll him to help him set up something but he says he doesn't have my drive. He is currently sulking because he says I am mad and trying to stop him having friends. His family in NZ know nothing about this so he can keeep up appearances. Sorry,about the rant but I did say I was deranged.

In view of all the help you & your dad have given him over so many years ... with seemingly no attempt from him to either help himself - or help you ("embarrassing" FFS !!), I'd have made it a condition of the bailing out that he relinquishes ALL his income to you so you are in complete control of what comes into and goes out of your household .... which would obviously be for the good of the WHOLE family. He wouldn't have just been able to "take" £40 housekeeping for what boils down to a piss-up (how effing selfish is that ?!) because the only money he should be getting (in the circumstances) is what you choose to give him.

He sounds terribly arrogant and rather cruel. It feels like he's rubbing your face in it re: the film if this is something you'd really like to see. Where's the humility and/or gratitude for what you've done for him eh ?

YANBU- He sounds like an utter twat tbh.

Are you sure you wouldn't be able to split up ? (.... e.g. tax credits etc, maybe downsizing ?) By the sounds of it you could be a lot better off and at least all your hard earned would be yours to keep. This is just going to be a bottomless pit.

Why do you put up with this? From your description he sounds awful. Does he have any good characteristics at all?

If you had no money - would he still be around? Ask yourself that, and be honest.

He really sounds like he's using you. And your family.

"I want him to be miserable penitent and downright bloody grateful " of course you do, he blardy well should be. My Mum and I similarly helped my DH but on a far far smaller scale and he has never been anything other than hugely appreciative and appropriately responsible re money ever since. Your DH, on the other hand, XXXX!!

i agree with catsmother what if he gets into more debt, what then? the csa would take any child support he owned you straight out of his wages would they not? I thought that was how it worked.

I'd not have given this loser the time of day, much less over £40,000 and 14 years of my time.

Why do you?

Unfortunately, he is only allowed a basic bank account which cannot be in joint names so I can't get hold of his wage. Believe you me I tried. I have to keep nagging to make sure that he has put enough aside for bills though I have ben paying them for so long that he expects to just hold up his hands say "I can't" and I'll pull the rabbit out of the hat again. A condition of the bailing out was that he makes sure I am eligible for his pension and death in nservice benefit. Incredibly he hadn't sorted that out in ten years. In truth he isn't arrogant or cruel, just extraordinarilt thick with no sense of responsibilty or backbone. One of those pudding like "non" people that you have to take care of because they are utterly incapable of looking after themselves.

You need to stop this now. Step away. Why put your family through it?

Ok. Look, it might be that he is a complete teat in which case you are completely right and frankly leave the bastard, your dc will benefit more from the message that this is not ok than they'll lose in contact.

The other is, does he ever seem very depressed for long periods of time, and then overly confident/single-minded/lots if ideas/ getting into debt at others? These are symptoms of bi-polar. My mother has it but wouldn't accept treatment.

The only thing that has worked In money terms has been to absolutely cut her off in terms of money. It took years, but eventually after a really low suicidal patch she got a job and started paying her debts. She is still not a nice person though, we have virtually no contact.

Hi proudfoot, no not a single one!

sorry but what the fuck is he spending his money on?

Why are you with him? Do you like him being so reliant on you?

well now his plan has kicked get him to give you everything else and give him some cash weekly - yes pocket money, he's clearly not capable of having more than that!

FFS this is a horrendous way to live and be treated. Formulate an escape plan, and do it now. Do you love him? Because you don't say you do, which is always telling - is there any reason, other than habit and child support (and those aren't valid reasons) why you should stay?

I'm not sure, ladyintheradiator - I think that OP may be in a relationship dynamic which means she assumes ALL responsibilty for EVERYTHING and he's therefore got no reason to take control for himself.

then why are you with him if he has no good characteristics at all? surely there must be evidence somewhere that you and your dad have bailed him out, in which case could you not seek legal adivce to reclaim any money you have given him?

leave him in the gutter, by the sounds of it thats where he would leave you if the shoe was on the other foot.