To think that my partner who I have just saved from bankruptcy is unfair for going to see a film I really want to see after I've done a twelve hour day.

[IwishiwasinFrance]

My partner has consistently mismanaged his finances for the fourteen years we have been together and me and my father have bailed him ou to the tune of iver forty thousand pounds. He has never offered to pay a penny back. When he could no longer keep up the minimum payments despite me paying for everything else bar the mortgage and counciltax on a market traders takings I took money out of my business, effectively eating the stock, to keep him afloat. Realising this was unsustainable and fearing I would lose my business I organised a debt management plan for him based on my CAB training. This has just kicked in. he is a deputy head of a secondary school so has thirteen weeks a year off. I keep trading throughout and tomorrow will do a twelve hour day fifty miles away. He informs me that he is going to see a film I really want to see but know that I can't justify tomorrow night because it will be really cheap. of course it's cheap I'm providing the babysitting! Also, I had forty pounds housekeeping last week which he took for a senior mangement "do" so that he didn't lose face by not going but has refused to help me at a show in the town where he teaches because it's "embarrassing". AIBU to think that if he wants the money he should help get the Effin' money and maybe if you've only just avoided bankruptcy perhaps a little self-sacrifice would be a nice gesture. I can't leave him because he can't afford to give me any child support and the film is Inception which may make you wonder what the fuss is about

He presumably is a deputy head at a secondary school (talk of senior management dos) he will be earning a very reasonable way, what on earth is he spending it on?

My ex was very similar to your DP OP.

Basically if someone else had money and he didn't then he was entitled to theirs. He ruined his Mum financially, she moved abroad in the end (not that she was great with money herself), partially to get away from him and is now totally financially reliant on his Dad.

Now it is me he comes to, we are split but I lend him a limited amount each month, which he always pays back, if he didn't then I would never lend again and he knows that. He would be just like yours though if I let him, wouldn't pay back (doesn't see why he should), has asked me for money for "important" works functions so he wouldn't look bad by not going - this is not my problem so I do not lend him the money for this kind of thing.

It used to be the total lack of gratitude and awareness of what I was doing for him that made me nuts. They never will be grateful, they expect it. What is he like in other ways? Bet he doesn't help out round the house or with the kids that much does he? I actually think ex has a personality disorder as I don't think any normal person could be so selfish.

I know it is hard but you have to CUT HIM OFF. No more money. Tell you don't have it, you can't afford it, if you lend it to him your kids won't eat that week, you have to pay the gas/electric/water rates or you will be cut off, whatever it takes. But as long as you keep coming up with the goods he will keep taking the piss.

Why are you still with this man?

Is it because you want to get your money back?? Well, that's clearly not going to happen.

If you stay with this man, he will only leech even more money out of you. Isn't that blindingly obvious?

Get rid. I mean, you don't even like him.

I'm wondering if the lack of future CSA money is outweighed by the cost of staying with him. He's bleeding you dry, surely you could manage better financially without him, regardless of child support money?

'He can't be that thick if he's the deputy head of a secondary school ... he just can't be. I think he plays the "silly old me" hmm thick card to get what he wants.'

Not as uncommon as you might think. My ex-stepfather was the head of a primary school for some years, until he decided to jack his job in without another to go to. He has been doing maternity stints on and off for the last couple of years without bothering to save for the 6 months last year that he hadn't looked for work. He borrowed £2k from his brother's family in that time, and although he is now 7 months into another maternity cover, still hasn't paid my mum maintenance for their two sons for the last year. He's an utter cock and I can't imagine how he had the nouse to manage a school.

Sorry for the hijack (and I'm not teacher-bashing, I'm one myself!)

Iwishiwasinfrance, you are clearly able to take control, so you need to stop seeing this as something insurmountable and start chipping away at the problem. You need to get away from this man with the equivalent of what you've contributed and a fair maintenance agreement. Don't make any agreement between yourselves (my mum's mistake, she's much too trusting); do it via the courts.

He sounds like the child in this relationship. Get him to to hand over his salary to you and just give him pocket money. Seriously you know this is no good for you or your children and it would be better emotionally and financially to get rid of him. Embarrassing to help you for goodness sake!

Hi Iwishiwasinfrance. I have read your post with my face like .

I must agree with many of the replies you have had here. Reading this it seems to me that you could not be worse off without him. You say you cannot leave because he could not afford maintenance ... well, he doesn't contribute now does he?

You and your father have maintained him. If it would be difficult without him (although I cannot, for the life of me, see what he contributes now) then your family sound wonderfully and would probably jump at the chance to help with child care etc. Is this not an option.

I actually feel quite worried for you. Tbh, in the future (and it will probably be soon) he will be in debt again. He will expect you to bail him out again. He will continue to negate all responsibility for everything because he has never had to pay the price for his stupidity.

I am sorry, but he will not learn anything while you are there. He sees your help as his right - where is the respect in that? He is an educated man, holding down a position of authority and responsibility - that doesn't make for a sensible person - as I think he shows at home.

Please take heed of the other posters here, who are much more eloquent than I. You need to seriously evaluate your relationship and situation. You would have support if you removed him from this situation and would get through it.

I don't mean to be rude but you do sound a little co-dependent. Are you sure you are not getting a little 'lift' from all this responsibility you have to assume? Not being rude but you do need to see that you are the coper, you are the manager, you are the one being responsible.

If necessary, take a few moments and go see a counsellor, maybe through your doctor, to talk about how you are feeling. They may help you get direction.

I wish you tons of best wishes, I hope you get this sorted. But in answer your post: no yanbu. He is taking the p*. The movie is merely the straw that broke the back of the camel

Iwas, you can't wait around for him to change. He clearly doesn't want to and is making no effort to do so. So it's up to you:

a) stay with him, keep pouring money into the bottomless pit (as another poster put it). But don't be bitter - you are making this choice. You get to keep the image of the 2-parent family, even if there is not much reality behind it.

b) leave. Of course you can afford it. It might be tough for a bit, but financially you'll be okay, sooner than you think.

Seems like a no-brainer to me, but it's your choice.

It never fails to amaze me the number of people who throw all in with their partners, when the financial relationship is not equal. Clearing their credit cards for them, putting them on the house deeds etc. Do you think that money is going to come back if (when) the relationship ends?

You should have forced him to declare bankrupt. The 40k wasnt your debt to clear and now its causing problems in your relationship.

Not much you can do about it now, except threaten to kick him out unless he starts paying back what he owes. This is the root cause of your problems, not the film.

He'll walk though, once he realises the money pit has dried up. You need to prepare yourself for that unfortunately.