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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my partner who I have just saved from bankruptcy is unfair for going to see a film I really want to see after I've done a twelve hour day.

60 replies

IwishiwasinFrance · 27/07/2010 21:32

My partner has consistently mismanaged his finances for the fourteen years we have been together and me and my father have bailed him ou to the tune of iver forty thousand pounds. He has never offered to pay a penny back. When he could no longer keep up the minimum payments despite me paying for everything else bar the mortgage and counciltax on a market traders takings I took money out of my business, effectively eating the stock, to keep him afloat. Realising this was unsustainable and fearing I would lose my business I organised a debt management plan for him based on my CAB training. This has just kicked in. he is a deputy head of a secondary school so has thirteen weeks a year off. I keep trading throughout and tomorrow will do a twelve hour day fifty miles away. He informs me that he is going to see a film I really want to see but know that I can't justify tomorrow night because it will be really cheap. of course it's cheap I'm providing the babysitting! Also, I had forty pounds housekeeping last week which he took for a senior mangement "do" so that he didn't lose face by not going but has refused to help me at a show in the town where he teaches because it's "embarrassing". AIBU to think that if he wants the money he should help get the Effin' money and maybe if you've only just avoided bankruptcy perhaps a little self-sacrifice would be a nice gesture. I can't leave him because he can't afford to give me any child support and the film is Inception which may make you wonder what the fuss is about

OP posts:
Hassled · 27/07/2010 22:02

Deputy Heads of secondary schools aren't badly paid. We're not talking minimum wage here. And if he's not spending it on debt repayments, then what? Gambling? Drugs?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/07/2010 22:02

One of those pudding like "non" people that you have to take care of because they are utterly incapable of looking after themselves.

ha ha ha. Are you sure about that?

Because it looks from out here (based on what you have typed of course) that he's managed to look after himself very well. very well indeed. He wants for nothing. Has you to bail him out. takes what he wants. AND has you convinced that this is all because he is somehow incapable of managing and needs you to sort him out all the time.

laweaselmys · 27/07/2010 22:02

Re his bank account, go to the bank with him a d watch him set up a direct debit/standing order that puts most of his wages in your accoubt the day he is paid.

RumourOfAHurricane · 27/07/2010 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

venusandmars · 27/07/2010 22:03

Many years ago I was with someone who was equally bad with money. Every penny he got was spent 3 times over. In the 2 years I knew him I lost track of the amount of money he had got from me and from his parents. He clearly had no intention of paying it back.

He was very clever and in a very responsible career but it was as if the financial part of his brain just didn't connect.

I left him despite loving him deeply because I could not see a future together if outgoings would always exceed income, no matter how large our salaries were. I eventually needed to build up proper security for myself and dcs.

The only time he tried to manage his own way out of debt it was by making a fraudulent claim on his insurance. Last straw really.

catsmother · 27/07/2010 22:03

He can't be that thick if he's the deputy head of a secondary school ... he just can't be. I think he plays the "silly old me" thick card to get what he wants.

TheCrackFox · 27/07/2010 22:04

Well, if it was me I would have shown him the door long ago. However, if you are unwilling to do this then I think you have to take all CC/bank cards off him and give him a weekly cash allowance (£10 should suffice).

You would probably be better off, financially, if you were a single parent.

Original poster
IwishiwasinFrance · 27/07/2010 22:05

I know what you're getting at undertone and no. This isn't some kind of weird control thing or "saving" someone thing. I just haven't got anywhere to go.
SomeGuy he's spending it on magazines about 3D graphics because in his head he works for Pixar and it beats engaging with the real world. Just frittered on crap and some big stuff like trips on his own to NZ and cars and generally just never paying stuff off so it's recycling interest. You know you see those debt ads on telly and you think "What f-wit is that aimed at?" Well now you know.
Ladyintheradiator I probably am a doormat because it's bloody hard to give up the Mum Dad and 2.4 kids thing we grew up with. You just think, it's only money, not worth splitting the family for but...

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 27/07/2010 22:08

I do think that people who get into debt, at this level, by spending their money on utter crap need therapy. Give it a couple of years and he will be £40k in debt again.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 27/07/2010 22:09

It's not just about money. There needs to be mutual respect in any relationship, you don't have this.

kayah · 27/07/2010 22:09

It sounds like you are likely to be better off asking him to leave and take a couple of lodgers in to help with your bills.

He won't last without your generosity and either go down completely or would have to sort himself out.
Would you be able to get the money back from him - you still must have some receipts etc.

you can first sit him down, give an ultimatum - shared account, both of you put amount of money proportional to each income to cover all bills etc and the rest what's left over can be spent as yon please

if he says he can't afford it - then ask him to leave...

He is earning good money as a deputy head and is a disgrace he's behaving like that.

FakePlasticTrees · 27/07/2010 22:15

So, he thinks buying comics for himself is more important than finanically supporting his DCs, assuming you'll do that for him, right?

Sorry, but someone that selfish and selfcentred doesn't only be selfish and self centred with money.

I'm sure if you looked at it carefully, deducting what you give him regularly, could you support your DCs without anything from him. (But as others have said, even if he's declared bankrupt, the CSA will take the money from his wage for you before his creditors get it)

Original poster
IwishiwasinFrance · 27/07/2010 22:16

I've asked him to leave and he says he pays the mortgage so won't go and I will have to leave and because I have nowhere to go I can't have the children and if and when I get on my feet I can come and get them. I know that legally this isn't the case but it shows you what I'm dealing with and also legally unless he hits me , which he doesn't I can't demand he leaves. Incidentally the mortgage he pays is only down to the twenty five thousand pound deposit I put down. I was too trusting and there is no evidence of this anywhere. There is also no eveidence of anything else I paid because I just paid it. I can see that this seems stupid but he's my partner and the father of my children. NOW i know!

OP posts:
Original poster
IwishiwasinFrance · 27/07/2010 22:18

Thanks fake plastic trees. I didn't know that. The debt mangement people told me that he wouldn't be able to give me anything. Good to know the real story.

OP posts:
Undertone · 27/07/2010 22:19

You seem quite confused and overwhe;med. Go and have one of those free 30 minute sessions with a solicitor who will be able to ask you the right questions to untangle all this.

I am really not going to be much help because my gast is well and truly flabbered.

mrscynical · 27/07/2010 22:20

Jeez. I hope he isn't teaching maths.

I hope you're not just hanging on for his pension. The way things are going there may not be much of a pension coming his way and even if there is he'll have spent it anyway.

AND he is embarrassed about seen on a market stall!?

I suppose he's one of those wanting to impress his peers and the kids parents. What a wazzock.

Original poster
IwishiwasinFrance · 27/07/2010 22:22

Undertone, don't put yourself down, you've been a huge help as has everyone else but I'm up at 5.30 in the morning for the market so I shall leave you in peace. Have a good day tomorrow people and if something pisses you off you can always think, "at least I'm not THAT woman" Thanks again.

OP posts:
laweaselmys · 27/07/2010 22:23

It wouldn't be v hard to find a place to rent straight away. It doesn't have to be perfect, you can always move again when sorted.

And if you stop giving him any money at all straight away (including for the mortgage since that's his apparently) it shouldn't be impossible to afford this. As soon as you move out you would be eligable for more help.

mummysgoingmad · 27/07/2010 22:25

somebody somwewhere must have evidence that you paid all that money for the mortgage.

Surely that amount of money can be traced back

Does your dad have a record of the money he has given him?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/07/2010 22:28

Dear God. I really can't think of anything to say.

mrscynical - I love the word wazzock, I thought my Dad was the only person in the world that used it up until just now

kayah · 27/07/2010 22:28

did you talk to CAB about your situation?

honestly - he must be earning near 50-60K
so take home pay is very handsome...

when you said it was your 25k
did you pay it from your account?
transferred it?

there must be some evidence in your paperwork

he is afraid to keep up his face - he's not going to do anything stupid
his career's very important to him as is his salary

he's blackmailing you
so you have to see through his little games and outsmart him

visiting a solicitor/lawyer can be your first step to peace and a new future

Horntail · 27/07/2010 22:29

I'm sorry, this relationship is toxic for BOTH of you. You have no respect or love for him, his is taking the piss out of you, because he can and he is probably extremely angry that you have no respect for him ( I wouldn't have either btw)

From what you have written, and I appreciate this may not be the whole story....this is a non starter and you need to make plans to split asap.

The lessons about partnership you are teaching your dc make this in everyone's best interests IMHO

fightingthela · 27/07/2010 22:39

He needs to realise that you are not The Bank of Mum & Dad and take responsibility - you are just letting him get away with it. Repayments on a 25k mortgage must be quite small so you need to look at where every penny of his spare money goes. You really need to consider what he is actually contributing to your family life - seem's all take,take,take to me. He should at the very least be helping you on the stall in his holidays not enjoying himself on your money. Please take a long hard look at where this is heading. Do you want to be up to your neck in debt in your old age?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/07/2010 05:09

So:

You can't leave him because he can't pay child support - but he's costing you far more to live with than it would cost you to raise the children alone. So that doesn't hold up.

You can't leave because he won't leave, and you'd have nowhere to go? Of course you would, you have your own business and a steady income, why can't you rent a flat? What's this "if you get on your feet" crap? A stock trader's business can be done pretty much anywhere, surely? I presume you have a home office?

Would your father be able to lend you a bit of money if you need it, just as a loan until the marital assets are split?

There is NO reason to stay with this man. You don't love or respect him, and he cares nothing for you. He's not thick, he's a Deputy Head, he's arrogant and selfish and he's learned that his wife will bail him out and not expect anything from it for fourteen fucking years.

Squitten · 28/07/2010 06:51

Good grief. Do you actually WANT to leave this man? Forget what the consequences of that might be - would you want to get rid of him if you could?

There is ALWAYS a way to get yourself out of these situations. If you want to stop being treated like a doormat, get yourself some legal advice pronto. Only YOU can change your situation because he's getting a pretty sweet deal at the moment so has no incentive to change a thing...