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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed/upset by Dh's DD?

66 replies

geordieminx · 27/07/2010 15:33

Will try and keep in brief/include everything that is relevant.

Dh has had a sporadic relationship with his DD(19) since we announced that we were expecting ds (4 years ago). (Dh and his ex have been divorced over 10 years)

Basically we ruined her life, and why did he want another child when he didnt want her etc etc... basically typical 16 year old hormones/angst.

Every year we send xmas/birthday cards/money, never get anything back, has said a couple of times that she has sent stuff which has never materialised (she lives 300miles away). Contact was sporadic, but not unfriendly IYKWIM?

Anyway, dh's birthday last Sunday. Couple of weeks previous to this I had the stupid idea of thinking it would be lovely if she came up to see us, as a surprise for dh. So I email her, and she actually seems really keen, as long as she can bring her boyf. Fine, great, I go about sorting things out - including sending her train tickets that cost £160.

She emails me asking if there is anything she can bring - I say a card for her dad, as she will be here on his birthday, and maybe some sweets or something for DS.

I made a real effort, making sure the house looked nice, towels/sweets/magazines/flowers in their room etc.

Was a bit worried that she would back out at the last minute, but its all cool, she arrives. We go to a local theme park - I pay. We call in at tesco on the way home to get some wine etc - I pay again. We order take-away, again dh and I pay. Next morning, they get up - I make them a cooked breakfast.. dh opens his cards/presents - nothing from her.. We go to the local shopping centre, they go off for an hour, we arrange to meet in Costa. We get there, they are sitting with a pile of bags, but no drinks. So I say "would you like a coffee" "oh yes please", so I go and buy the coffees. I make them a packed lunch for the train... the list goes on really.

I just feel like we were really taken advantage of all bloody weekend. I know its my own stupid fault for doing it, but she never once offered to pay for anything all weekend, didnt bring anything with her - either for us or ds, no card for dh for his birthday, and seemed to just expect us to pay for everything. I feel like its really bad manners - and was brought up never to turn up anywhere empty handed - even if it was a box of biscuits. To go shopping and buy herself a pile of stuff, but not even get her little brother something - as she has never had anything to do with him since he was born.

Dont get me wrong, there were a couple of "thank you's" and a "we'll come back for a long weekend next time" I bloody bet you will

I just feel like a bit of a mug, and to be honest dh feels the same - it has really upset him.

AIBU or expecting too much?

OP posts:

Original poster

geordieminx · 27/07/2010 15:35

Ooops. not so short.

OP posts:

coventgarden · 27/07/2010 15:35

Only because teenagers are selfish buggers sometimes. I think she was out of order not to even buy your dh a card though.

BitOfFun · 27/07/2010 15:38

It just sounds like fairly ordinary teenage entitlement to me- not hostile, just used to all the adults stumping up for stuff. I know she is over 18, but she sounds a bit immature still. I wouldn't interpret it as actively hostile.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to repeat the experience though.

Jacksmybaby · 27/07/2010 15:39

Agree she should have bought a card for her dad.

I'm not sure I would have expected her to pay for stuff though, as you were the hosts. Although it would have been nice of her to offer.

Does she have a job or is she a student?

Original poster

geordieminx · 27/07/2010 15:43

I didnt really expect her to pay for anything, although it would have been nice for her to offer, or maybe bring a wee book or even some sweeties for ds. It was the fact that there was nothing that pissed me a bit.

The card thing is normal unfortunately, every year she says that she has sent a card for either dh or ds which never turns up.

Oh and she works full time, so its not like she is skint. I really dont think offering to pay for £8 worth of coffees would have been beyond her, or even buying her own rather than sitting there waiting for us to arrive so that we could pay.

She smoked like a chimney all weekend too... at least 2 packets of 20.

OP posts:

sapphireblue · 27/07/2010 15:48

tbh I'm a bit guilty of this with my parents (and I'm way passed my teens). I guess it's just habit from living at home way back when.......parents do the paying etc etc (especially when they have spare cash and i don't!!). I'm going to make an effort to amend my ways after reading this thread though

booyhoo · 27/07/2010 15:48

she sounds very immature. i would be mortified if i ever forgot to get my mum or dad a card, even as a young child, we knew it was only right to acknowledge someones' birthday. but this sounds like she just didn't bother. how rude. i personally would not be inviting her back and if it happened that she did come to stay, i would cetainly not be paying for everything.

sapphireblue · 27/07/2010 15:48

P.S I do always buy them bday/xmas presents though!

Jacksmybaby · 27/07/2010 15:51

Yeah, actually now I think about it, guilty too sapphireblue!

Original poster

geordieminx · 27/07/2010 15:52

tbh when I vist my mum she tends to pay for most things, but I will always buy something, whether it be the coffees/takeaway, or whatever.

I always take her flowers or something too (she lives 150 miles aways so only see her once a month)

OP posts:

estya · 27/07/2010 15:53

Bad behaviour from her - it sounds like she isn't too mature for her 19 years.
From her point of view, it she has some resentment about her father "didn't want her" etc - so she probably felt she deserved to be spoiled.

namechangingchick · 27/07/2010 16:05

I think all normal teen behaviour except for the no card/present for her dad - I would be mortified if I was sitting there while he opened everything and I had nothing to hand over. It is hard though when you feel like you are doing everything and get nothing in return - especially when it's not your own child. Well done for taking the initiative to get it sorted though - I'm sure your DH must have been really happy.

mumeeee · 27/07/2010 16:12

Sounds fairly normal for a 19 year old. DD2 20 would expect DH and I to buy drinks and provide meals when she's with us. DD1 nad husband who are 23 used to be like this but they now pay for themselves when we go out together, But both girls would make sure they bought a card and present for their Dad's Birthdayt.

Original poster

geordieminx · 27/07/2010 16:13

I think he was pleased, but tbh, towards the end of the weekend he was starting to see her true colours - immature, selfish etc.

Wasnt really nice to watch, I think he was actually quite ashamed of her bahaviour, esp given that I had bent over backwards for her.

If she was 15 I think I could have written it off, but she's 19, lived in her own place before, although living back at home just now. Just sad really, more for dh than me, she doesnt really mean anything to me, other than through dh, if that makes sense, there isnt really a bond there?

OP posts:

MrsC2010 · 27/07/2010 16:16

I'll hold my hands up and say that my parents instinctively pay for things like coffees, meals etc etc and I'm 29.

But of course I do presents, cards, help out and fix things etc etc. If the 4 of us (DH, myself and the parents) go out for a meal we'll take it in turns unless one of us specifically invites the other if you see what I mean.

proudnsad · 27/07/2010 16:17

'Her true colours...immature, selfish'. What unkind things to say about her. If 'she doesen't mean anything to you' then she very probably is more than aware of that. I think there's loads more to this.

Her behaviour? Very irritating, but typical teen. I don't think it occurred to me or my db to offer to pay for anything until we were mid 20s at the earliest.

MoonUnitAlpha · 27/07/2010 16:17

Hmm... well tbh I still let/expect my parents to pay for everything when I visit them now I definitely did when I was 19!

She should have brought a card though, but I thinik teenagers often don't really think of their parents as real people with feelings that can be hurt.

prozacfairy · 27/07/2010 16:19

YANBU- can't believe she didn't even get her dad a card for his birthday! She sounds self involved and thoughtless. I'm guessing she's used to taking advantage.

Lesson learned. Console yourself with the fact that, although it didn't go to plan, you're heart was in the right place and YOU aleast made an effort.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/07/2010 16:19

I agree that she was wrong not to buy her dad a card or some sweeties for her brother. Just wondering though, whether this would bother you as much if it was your son and not your step daughter. If you honestly would be as upset, then fair enough. She does sound like a typical unthinking teenager. Is she the same with her mum? If so, then she is just behaving with her dad the same way as her mum. If not, then I think her behaviour may be indicative of other issues. Beware of making her feel like a guest in your home rather than a member of the family. I think she is probably jealous of the close family unit you have with her dad and your DS and maybe feels on the outside

DameGladys · 27/07/2010 16:20

I don't know, I'm a bit torn on this one.

Obviously it's not fantastic behaviour and somewhat odd to lie about cards being sent or ask what to bring and then ignore the answer.

But it is very teenagerish as others have said. She hasn't developed that social bit about saying 'can I give you some money?' or 'I'll get these', which we do even if we know full well that the host will say no.

Also I do think that we all behave slightly differently when it's our parents and the norm has always been that they pay. I visit my parents and don't usually take anything, not even a box of biscuits. I'm pretty sure they're not sad about it, I just feel loved and know they'd do anything for me and don't think twice about paying for coffees etc. Maybe that sounds selfish and people will think that they are secretly annoyed about it, but I just know they're not.

I think it's good you got a couple of thank yous! It's also nice that she wants to come - even with theme parks, take aways etc, at 19 I'd rather have hung out with my friends than visit any relatives I think.

You know your DH could be bummed out more by seeing your feelings towards her behaviour than the behaviour itself. He loves her unconditionally after all and is surely pleased she came and was having a lovely time. I would be as positive about to him as possible - I'm sure you already are.

swallowedAfly · 27/07/2010 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Giddyup · 27/07/2010 16:28

Have you asked DH if he has taught her to bring offerings on visits? If you feel she should have been raised to do so, why not ask the man that raised her?

swallowedAfly · 27/07/2010 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

schroeder · 27/07/2010 16:36

She probably thought she was owed a few treats from her absent father; I'm not saying she's right, but that could be how she sees it .

Did she get a long nicely with her Dad? Do you think they managed to make up some ground?

Original poster

geordieminx · 27/07/2010 18:40

Gidyup - dh and her mum have been divorced for over 12 years. Dh has played a part in her life, but perhaps not as much as he would have liked, forces/working abroad, mum moving away etc. No-ones fault.

Proundnsad - thats how I feel she behaved, and how really she has behaved for the past 3 years. Its a long line of incidents really, and when I say she doesnt mean anything to me I dont mean it in a nasty way, but honestly, I have only met her half a dozen times. She has been vile to me on occasion - including when being told that I had a m/c serveral months previous saying that I should have told her straight away as it was her dead brother or sister

I guess there is loads more to this, I guess I am a bit wary of her, having seen her hurt dh time and time again over the past 4 years. Dh pretends not to be bothered, but when she only gets in touch for money, never contacts him at any other time, lies to him, every single time its bound to have an impact on him, I love him and cant stand him being hurt. I also dont want her to do the same to ds - I guess I would like her to be a part of his life or not, not somewhere inbetween. ?

Gah step-families eh.

OP posts:

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