To be annoyed/upset by Dh's DD?

[geordieminx]

Will try and keep in brief/include everything that is relevant.

Dh has had a sporadic relationship with his DD(19) since we announced that we were expecting ds (4 years ago). (Dh and his ex have been divorced over 10 years)

Basically we ruined her life, and why did he want another child when he didnt want her etc etc... basically typical 16 year old hormones/angst.

Every year we send xmas/birthday cards/money, never get anything back, has said a couple of times that she has sent stuff which has never materialised (she lives 300miles away). Contact was sporadic, but not unfriendly IYKWIM?

Anyway, dh's birthday last Sunday. Couple of weeks previous to this I had the stupid idea of thinking it would be lovely if she came up to see us, as a surprise for dh. So I email her, and she actually seems really keen, as long as she can bring her boyf. Fine, great, I go about sorting things out - including sending her train tickets that cost £160.

She emails me asking if there is anything she can bring - I say a card for her dad, as she will be here on his birthday, and maybe some sweets or something for DS.

I made a real effort, making sure the house looked nice, towels/sweets/magazines/flowers in their room etc.

Was a bit worried that she would back out at the last minute, but its all cool, she arrives. We go to a local theme park - I pay. We call in at tesco on the way home to get some wine etc - I pay again. We order take-away, again dh and I pay. Next morning, they get up - I make them a cooked breakfast.. dh opens his cards/presents - nothing from her.. We go to the local shopping centre, they go off for an hour, we arrange to meet in Costa. We get there, they are sitting with a pile of bags, but no drinks. So I say "would you like a coffee" "oh yes please", so I go and buy the coffees. I make them a packed lunch for the train... the list goes on really.

I just feel like we were really taken advantage of all bloody weekend. I know its my own stupid fault for doing it, but she never once offered to pay for anything all weekend, didnt bring anything with her - either for us or ds, no card for dh for his birthday, and seemed to just expect us to pay for everything. I feel like its really bad manners - and was brought up never to turn up anywhere empty handed - even if it was a box of biscuits. To go shopping and buy herself a pile of stuff, but not even get her little brother something - as she has never had anything to do with him since he was born.

Dont get me wrong, there were a couple of "thank you's" and a "we'll come back for a long weekend next time" I bloody bet you will

I just feel like a bit of a mug, and to be honest dh feels the same - it has really upset him.

AIBU or expecting too much?

My advice would be to just ride it out for now. Yes she annoyed you but kids do sometimes, especially teenagers. Especially if they're not yours!! She might turn into the most lovely, considerate young lady in a few years time.

Well done on getting your dh and dsd togetherfor his birthday you should be proud of yourself.

cant believe some of the responses on here.

she sounds like a horrible little madam and i would be so angry if my 13 year old behaved like this, didnt bother to get her dad a card or anything.
and what an arse of a boyfriend as well, you paid for their train tickets and food and he didnt get you a bottle of wine or anything?

i would be so utterly ashamed of my DD's treating their stepmum and dad like this.

Animation just a question, why do you suggest her dad needs to apologise for the divorce?
what would he say? 'sorry my relationship broke down?' apologising for splitting up with someone? or do you mean 'sorry its been tough on you, i understand'

i have experience of this from both side. as a stepmum to teenagers now and as a daughter of a man who kept his distance when, as a stroppy teen, i said i wasnt bothered about seeing him....
maybe she deep down wanted him to do a little chasing.....to prove she really was important to him....
mine didnt.tbh i hold no grudges now. i havnet seen him in about 5 years and hes never met my DS but honestly i dont think my life would be better with him in it so i dont worry. however as a hormonal teenager i think i saw it slightly differently....
now my DSS and 2 SDS all for past 10 years have seen their father every other weekend. Its only in the last 2-3 years i have been included. DH many times was given run around. lots off teen angst "you dont care about us" "you abandonned us" type stuff. i told him to suck it up and carry on.
when they come to stay (eldest is 19) i wouldnt expwct them to pay for anything.
they have also many times forgotton to buy him a card. and in fact only once have bought DS a bday card. tbh it doesnt bother me. i cant remember being good getting cards for people when i was a teenager.....
im just happy they are in our lives and most importantly have a good relationship with their father and half sibling.
If i were you i would just try see the bigger picture! hope that helps

Card - YANBU
Paying for things - YABU. I am 31 and my parents always pay for everything when we are together, PIL are the same. I do offer to pay (have done since I started working) but on a slightly depressing note my FIL said that he may as well pay as otherwise we will have to pay inheritance tax on the money later. Perhaps her mum pays for everything when she is with her, so it is just what she is used to. As for not getting DS anything - she probably forgot. I have to sit on my hands not to buy something for the children we know each time we see them as I don't think it is a good idea to turn up with presents each time.

I am 26 and I wouldnt ever pay for anything and my parents would do everything for me when I visit. I think its different for you as you are not her real mum so are treating her as a guest and not family. She has been through her parents divorce and I feel sorry for her by the sounds of things.

I think she sounds like a little Madam and one that has no manners at all. Entirely agree with Lemony. I cannot believe the amount of so-called adults on here who let their parents pick up the tab all the time.

YANBU OP; a thank you for buying her train tickets would have been nice. We pick up the cost of my Mum's Eurostar tickets when she comes to stay as she is retired and even before she retired I would not have dreamt of not taking a gift/doing shopping/paying for coffees or a meal when we were out if we went to stay, as we earned far more than she did post divorce anyway.

i would dream of just letting my mum pick up the tab. and my mum isnt my favourite person in the world anyway. me and my lovely dad have good natured arguments when we visit about who pays. [it usually ends up divided like, he'll pay for dinner if i pay for cinema tickets etc]

having been through an awful divorce as a teenager myself, i get annoyed at people who think that is an excuse to be rude and selfish, especially to their own parents/stepparents who just seem to be trying their best tbh!

I've started to insist on paying for things with my parents... I'm 44. My Dad always looks a little bewildered when I say I'm paying, his parents did the same for him.

DH's parents on the other hand, expect to be treated by all of their children... I don't think they've ever paid for a meal out! It just makes DH more determined to treat DS1 (his stepson). He gets a lot of pleasure from pressing a wad of cash secretively into his hand as he goes back to uni.

I would imagine your DH would enjoy treating the daughter he doesn't see often but also that he would be embarrassed by her not offering to help you out a little round the house.

I can imagine though, that the worst part of it for him is your reaction to her behaviour. I don't mean to sound harsh BTW, I'm just thinking of how lovely it is for me that DH likes to indulge DS1.

Paying for coffee YANBU- She was already there waiting for you to buy her coffee, a bit more than the usual walking in as a group and parents paying tab.
Your DS no sweets YANBU- It is courtesy to get the children of the house something, and he is her brother.
No card- well you know you are YANBU.
Wine tricky but would err on YANBU.

The rest you made your bed for.

Is she skint after uni where they throw credit at you and then expect you to pay it back when you start work? Is she skint because she is careless with money and had none this week-end, could the BF have done all the shopping (and let's not overlook that he should have brought something to the party too)

My parents divorced over 30 years ago and it STILL upsets me - there is no "getting over it".

Perhaps she told her Dad she didn't want to see him as a teenager because she wanted to try and hurt him as much as he'd hurt her? The same goes for the lack of a birthday card. Children of divorced parents have no influence over events and choosing to limit access is often their only way to regain some control. Unfortunately they often end up cutting off their nose to spite their face. I think her behaviour is perfectly understandable, given the circumstances.

And both my parents still pay for me whenever I'm with them, no matter how many times I offer/protest/sneak off to pay the bill.

Im 25 and pay for 99% of things when i visit my mum, and also get her a gift to say thankyou, wash up, do a shop and make a dinner at least once.
I can't believe so many adults here let their parents pick up the tab for everything!

YADNBU if she is capable of living away from home and working F/T there shouldn't be any excuses for such brattish behaviour.
I would of said something the moment i clocked she didn't bring a card.
( although TBH i would of told her previously to send cards recorded delivery etc years before so they didn't get ' lost')
how passive aggressive is that!

If she has a problem with her dad she should either bring it up, or simply stop contact.

or better yet why doesn't he ask her outright about her behaviour during that weekend?

her behaviour is acceptable given the circumstances?? Jeez her mother and father got divorced years ago, its one of those things, shit happens. My parents got divorced, as divorced as have my grandparents. I'm certainly not gonna use it as excuse to think "poor old me" for the rest of my days.

She should have got her dad a card.

As for everything else I reckon most 19yos would happily let their dad/step mum pay for everything. I know I did, my parents paid for everything for me when I came home from uni in the holidays, food, car insurance, petrol, if we'd had a day out or a meal together they'd have paid and I wouldn't have offered. Also if I was visiting my own dad/parents I wouldn't have taken a box of chocolates/flowers like I would if going to smeone elses house.

I think she's probably been a bit thoughtless rather than horrible. Though if you get the chance I'd certainly drop a big hint that DH was disappointed about no car.

Hopefully she will get a bit more mature soon and think of other people. Just focus on the fact that it looks like her relationship with her dad is improving which is good.

It sounds like as a teenager she decided to get stroppy and decide she didn't want to see her dad anymore and he accepted that. But what would you do if a 4 year old said they didn't want to see their dad anymore? It's easy to say that at 12/13, whatever, she is entitled to her opinion and her feeling should be respected but it just sounds like a bit of a cop out...you say that "it is no-one's fault" that their relationship has been distant because of work, home moves, etc, but it is someone's fault, or at least responsibility; your DH and your DSD's mum.

I can see why you are annoyed at her behaviour though, however I think the only way to improve their relationship is to continue to have her come and stay - you might have to put up with quite a few more weekends of paying for everything for her, but she will be spending time with her dad and her half brother, building a stronger bond with them, and then she might get to a point where she is in a shop and decides to pick up a toy car or some sweets for your DS when she visits at the weekend.

I think it is somewhat different to have your parents get divorced when you are 2 than to have it happen when you are 9. At 2, you really haven't got the close relationship that you have at 9. You are still little more than a baby and as you grow up you have little, if any, memory of what life was like prior to the divorce. as a 9 year old you do remember what life was like before, you are aware that the relationship with the 'leaving' parent has changed and that they are not present as often as they used to be. In my case, Christmas and birthdays were hell after my parents separated (I was 10). Other than my 18th, when I had a big family party, I never again spent any part of my birthday or Christmas day with my dad. I never went on holiday with him. He never came to any of my school events. If I wanted to see him, it always had to be pre-arranged, never just a spontaneous thing. I never even got the chance to just go with him for a drink or a coffee, without his new wife being there.When I got married, he was there, giving me away, but really, he told me afterwards, he felt more like a guest than my dad.

It is fine for you to say that her parents' divorce is 'one of those things', but maybe to her it is more than that. Maybe she does feel that she has missed out on things. Having a half- sibling reminds you that your dad has a new family and is doing all the things with them that they never did with you. My dad had a child with his new wife. I don't hold my sibling responsible at all, but am I jealous of all the time they spent together doing father/child things? Of course I am. It hurts like hell. Although my Dad and I always maintained a good relationship, it still hurts. Maybe even more so now he is no longer with us.

I guess that is the difference between being 2 and 9 when it happens.

Agree her behaviour is typical of a teenager - sad she didn't get her dad a card though.

But it doesn't sound like they have much of a relationship and as a child of a divorced parents whose father made little effort to see me, I'm always a little at reasons offered for this.

In my opinion its always up the parent to ensure that the relationship continues and to keep up regular contact.

Perhaps your DH is sad at how she's turned out but also at how little role he's played in her life for whatever reasons.

But sounds like you did your absolute best and were a fab hostess and god - I'd have been pissed off too. Its more down to your DH and his relationship with his DD really.