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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed/upset by Dh's DD?

66 replies

geordieminx · 27/07/2010 15:33

Will try and keep in brief/include everything that is relevant.

Dh has had a sporadic relationship with his DD(19) since we announced that we were expecting ds (4 years ago). (Dh and his ex have been divorced over 10 years)

Basically we ruined her life, and why did he want another child when he didnt want her etc etc... basically typical 16 year old hormones/angst.

Every year we send xmas/birthday cards/money, never get anything back, has said a couple of times that she has sent stuff which has never materialised (she lives 300miles away). Contact was sporadic, but not unfriendly IYKWIM?

Anyway, dh's birthday last Sunday. Couple of weeks previous to this I had the stupid idea of thinking it would be lovely if she came up to see us, as a surprise for dh. So I email her, and she actually seems really keen, as long as she can bring her boyf. Fine, great, I go about sorting things out - including sending her train tickets that cost £160.

She emails me asking if there is anything she can bring - I say a card for her dad, as she will be here on his birthday, and maybe some sweets or something for DS.

I made a real effort, making sure the house looked nice, towels/sweets/magazines/flowers in their room etc.

Was a bit worried that she would back out at the last minute, but its all cool, she arrives. We go to a local theme park - I pay. We call in at tesco on the way home to get some wine etc - I pay again. We order take-away, again dh and I pay. Next morning, they get up - I make them a cooked breakfast.. dh opens his cards/presents - nothing from her.. We go to the local shopping centre, they go off for an hour, we arrange to meet in Costa. We get there, they are sitting with a pile of bags, but no drinks. So I say "would you like a coffee" "oh yes please", so I go and buy the coffees. I make them a packed lunch for the train... the list goes on really.

I just feel like we were really taken advantage of all bloody weekend. I know its my own stupid fault for doing it, but she never once offered to pay for anything all weekend, didnt bring anything with her - either for us or ds, no card for dh for his birthday, and seemed to just expect us to pay for everything. I feel like its really bad manners - and was brought up never to turn up anywhere empty handed - even if it was a box of biscuits. To go shopping and buy herself a pile of stuff, but not even get her little brother something - as she has never had anything to do with him since he was born.

Dont get me wrong, there were a couple of "thank you's" and a "we'll come back for a long weekend next time" I bloody bet you will

I just feel like a bit of a mug, and to be honest dh feels the same - it has really upset him.

AIBU or expecting too much?

OP posts:
Original poster
geordieminx · 27/07/2010 18:44

Just wanted to add Proudnsad - just because thats how I feel she behaves, it doesnt mean I didnt make her feel really welcome, I got in touch with her because I am desperate for her and dh to get a resonable relationship going, I tried so hard to make sure everything was perfect... probably too much. Perhaps thats the problem, perhaps I tried too much, set myself up for a fall. Story of my life.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 27/07/2010 18:47

I don't think a 19 year old ought to be expected to pay for things when staying with her father and stepmother.

PosieParker · 27/07/2010 18:49

Immature and selfish is surely in the Teen manual, I know I was. Be truly thankful that she came, you didn't expect her to. Put her selfish and thoughtless behaviour aside, it will eat you up, and just think that DH had a great birthday.

PosieParker · 27/07/2010 18:50

And you must have earnt serious Brownie points from DH....at least a foot massage!!

Original poster
geordieminx · 27/07/2010 18:52

Bonsoir - she wasnt expected to pay for anything, it would have been nice for her to offer, but mainly just to actually get her dad a birthday card, or buy her wee brother a token, as a gesture.

I certainly wouldnt have taken any money from her, but would have very much appreciated a bunch of flowers or a wee box of chocolates as a thank you - if not from her, but from her boyfriend?

I dont know.

OP posts:
Original poster
geordieminx · 27/07/2010 18:53

Thanks Posie, you are right.

OP posts:
Lonnie · 27/07/2010 18:57

hmmm Im 40 when I go see my parents yes I kidna expect them to pay for much stuff..I do offer occationally but always get turned down.. but then..

I live in the UK they live in Denmark and they see me once every 2 years or so my sister and brother both live in Denmark so Im sure my parents feel liek they ar emaking up for lost time..

I do send presents but no I didnt as a 19 year old as I was way to into myself...

yes it would have been nice if she had thought of it but she is 19 get past it your ds will be just the same in 15 years time.

Invite her again and this time for a long weekend and dont arrange to meetin Costa coffee if you go shopping..

scaryteacher · 27/07/2010 19:24

I'm 44 and going to stay with my mum next week. She will provide one meal for us, and after that we will pay, as she is a pensioner, and on her own, and it is not fair for her to feed the three of us on her budget.

Once I was working at 18, and then married, my parents would pay if we went to stay, but equally, we would buy food at the supermarket, or take them out for a meal to show we appreciated it. I would also not have turned up empty handed; very bad manners imo. If they came to stay with us, then we paid. Same with my ils - we are going to see them at the weekend and have to stay in a hotel, and I will be shopping and cooking for Saturday and Sunday, plus taking Belgian goodies for them.

CreepyFunbags · 27/07/2010 19:37

I think Yabu to be honest. She's a teenager. Your DH shouldn't begrudge funding her for a weekend visit, she is his daughter after all.
I agree with Bonsoir.

I doubt many teenagers would think to buy a child a little present when shopping, gosh, I probably wouldn't think to do it myself. I give birthday presents, not random ones. Is that rude?!

Typical teen I think. Maybe you do need to lower your expectations a little.

The lack of birthday card is a bit rubbish, but not a hanging offense.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 27/07/2010 19:41

She sounds like a normal teen/young adult. I see the point about bad manners for turniong up without bearing gifts but this isnt to a house guest somewhere, its at her dads, surely theres no need for that? And i hate to say it, but a little brother wont really be on her radar - he will just be an annoying boring little being to her, the same as if they were full brother and sister, she wouldnt have thought about him to buy him a book? But i dont know anyone in this age group that would unprompted.

Theres clearly much more to this though.

Dont we all regress around our parents alittle, in some way or another??

HousewifeOfOrangeCounty · 27/07/2010 19:53

You are being unreasonable.

What is her crime? being a little thoughtless, well she's a teen what do you expect.

Your ds has had her Dad to himself and will have had treats over the years - she has missed all that - cut the poor girl some slack.

Animation · 27/07/2010 20:07

I detect some normal resentment in her, probably linked to feeling insecure since you had ds. Does her dad spend any one to one time with her. It's also possible that she she could still be harbouring unresolved anger from when her parents divorced. Kids just need parents to say "sorry" at some point about that stuff

create · 27/07/2010 20:25

Sounds exactly the behaviour you would expect from a daughter staying in her father's home TBH. Even now when my sister (36yo) comes to stay with our parents, my mum and day will pay for everything and mum likes to look after her, becwuse she doesn't see that much of her due to distance. It's what parents do. I don't benefit so much because I live locally, so don't stay with them IYSWIM, but if we go out for a day, Dad always pays. I try not to behave like I expect it, but it's what he does.

She should have brought a card though

create · 27/07/2010 20:26

Also, you buy presents to thank friends/distant relatives for putting you up, not your father

scaryteacher · 27/07/2010 21:03

I buy my mum a present or fill her car up with petrol, or take her out for a meal to say thank you for having us, as she is saving us the cost of an hotel or a B&B when we stay with her. I do the same for mil if we are staying with her. It's basic courtesy.

YANBU OP, if she is working f/t and you have paid for her rail fare and she has not bothered to get your dh a card. It's not rocket science is it?

At your dsd's age I was engaged, and married at 20. I didn't expect my parents to pay for me/us as we were adults.

undercovamutha · 27/07/2010 21:07

YABU I'm afraid, and there is obviously much more too this.

She is being a typical teen. Tbh I think it is quite impressive that she came to stay in the first place for her Dad's bday (especially as you say that you usually send her cards/presents rather than give them in person). Obviously she should have bought a card, but apart from that its all normal. And maybe she's trying to punish her dad a little bit for not being there for her in the past. Understandable IMO.

You seem to gloss over all her totally understandable 'angst'. She is totally entitled to feel put out when her dad has another child. She is entitled to be pissed off about only having a 'sporadic' relationship with her dad.

I think you need to develop a bit more empathy.

Dinkytinky · 27/07/2010 21:11

She was just being 19 and probably assumed it was her dad paying for everything. I dot think teens can understand that you might have seperate money.
If she doesn't see her dad that much she probably thought she was being treated to a lovely weekend.

Cut her some slack - try to see it from her point of view, she may have hurt her dads feelings in the past but he will have hurt her twice as much inadvertently.

Don't take it personally either, and try to forget about it x yab-slightly-u

secunda · 27/07/2010 21:15

YANBU I think she knew she was taking the piss. 19 is young, but old enough to know that if you are invited for a weekend to celebrate a birthday you bring a card and/or present.

Original poster
geordieminx · 27/07/2010 21:18

Hey, hold up a bit here.

We send cards as she lives 300 miles away and told us quite plainly that she had no wish to see us.

She's entitled to feel put out that over 10 years after her parents got divorced, despite the fact her mother has had 2 long term relationships and married again that her father has re-married and had another child???? Jeez, your'e right, he should have devoted his life to a monastry once he and her mum split

The sporadic relationship with her father was entirely her choice. Before we got together, he used to drive 300 miles, take her out for the day, lunch/shopping/pictures/whatever, then drive 300 miles home - until she decided that she would rather just have the money

She really isnt the hardly done to abandoned child that you are making her out to be.

I have already said that perhaps I was expecting too much, and have made more of it than necessary but Dh has been a good father to her, has done everything he can to be a dad, but you cant force a 14/15/16 year old to want to spend time with you.

OP posts:
undercovamutha · 27/07/2010 21:30

OP can you not imagine how your DS would feel in this situation? Can you empathise with how a child feels when their parents split up?

Its not some kind of competition (well her mothers had 3 relationships and her fathers just had 1 ). Noone is saying her dad should have joined a monastry, but you can't expect her not to find all these life changes difficult and stressful. Maybe you need to look deeper than it being about her just wanting money.

At 14, 15, 16 she was still a CHILD!

Original poster
geordieminx · 27/07/2010 21:35

The point I was making about her mother's relationships was that it wasnt like her mum and dad split and 3 months down the line I appeared. The changes may have been stressful, but come on - it was over 10 years ago now.

I know that at 14/15/16 she is still a child, that wasnt disputed, but child or not dh couldnt turn up at her house and drag her out to the car against her will now could he? She said she didnt want to see him - he couldnt make her.

Oh and my parents were divored when I was 2, so I know exactly what its like.

OP posts:
namechangingchick · 27/07/2010 21:54

I have to say that I sometimes still get upset about my parents splitting up when I was 4 and I am 31 . I think it is something that stays with you for life, and I know that if either of my parents had had another child when I was in my teens I would probably feel quite upset, even if I didn't show it.

Please don't think I am bashing you OP, because I have a DSD and a child with her father so I kind of know what it must be like for you.

Just a genuinely interested question: Do you know for sure that it was DSD that didn't want to see her dad, or do you think her mother had an influence over this? I only ask as my stepsisters' mother used to emotionally blackmail them over going to see their dad .

Firawla · 27/07/2010 21:54

op yanbu
i think she should know better at 19, yes it is still "teen" but not a young teen like 13, 14 - she is an adult and it is rude to behave in that way

2shoes · 27/07/2010 22:11

yabu
(although she was for not getting a card)

Animation · 27/07/2010 22:13

geordieminx -just helping you find plausable reasons for her anger. You and your husband haven't done anythibg wrong particularly - but I suspect she might have some unresolved issues. Has her dad ever said sorry for the divorce - sometimes that's all it takes. Ten years is no time really.