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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to send my PIL's a copy of my dc's reports?

55 replies

KathKa · 27/07/2010 14:27

My PIL's keep asking me for copies of my dc's reports and it's really annoying me. My sil sent them copies of her dc's reports and they keep saying how amazing they are.

I am very pleased with my dc's reports but I feel as if I am being drawn into a competition that I want no part of. My PIL's are quite negative and I think they would concentrate on the areas to improve on that teachers have highlighted (like listening and less chatting!)rather than on the excellent academic results.

I keep making excuses assuming they will forget but they haven't!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Rockbird · 27/07/2010 14:29

No definitely not. Tell them that Fred and Susan got great reports, Fred did really well at his writing and Susan has made great strides with her maths so you're all really pleased and do they want a cup of tea?

Especially as you think they would be homing in on anything less than perfect.

Eglu · 27/07/2010 14:31

I think you can tell them the reports are great, talk through grades etc. But why would they need a copy.

HollyGoHeavily · 27/07/2010 14:31

Tricky! It could just be that they are interested in their GCs and want to know their progress/achievements, not necessarily to compare them against their cousins....

Could you maybe send them a short precis by email of the 'highlights' rather than the actual reports? That way they feel included but don't get a chance to do much in the way of comparison...

Original poster
KathKa · 27/07/2010 14:32

Have done that. My ds said they asked him about his at the weekend and he said it was good. They then said "If it's anywhere as good as X and Y's your mum must be very pleased"

Why could they not just say "Well done"?

I feel really cross and don't know why. I intend to just ignore them from now on!

OP posts:
Original poster
KathKa · 27/07/2010 14:33

Sorry that was to Rockbird!

I've told them the (edited) highlights! They want a copy though!!!

OP posts:
yama · 27/07/2010 14:34

Good idea HollyGoHeavily.

There is no way I would send copies of dc's reports to anyone.

Jacksmybaby · 27/07/2010 14:35

YANBU. That is wierd and very interfering IMO.

Unless they are offering to pay for expensive private schooling?

Rockbird · 27/07/2010 14:36

I know it's easy for me to say but just say no I don't really want to give you a copy and then change the subject. Do that every time they ask and they might get the message.

valiumSingleton · 27/07/2010 14:37

I think you have a good attitude here.

YOU're not entering them into a competition with their cousins.

BigBadMummy · 27/07/2010 14:39

I feel for you, we had this problem, particularly as my parents pay the fees.

A friend of ours who is a teacher said "dont do it". Your parents are not entitled to see the reports, they are for you. Many grandparents forget this.

From the child's point of view it is an issue because they then feel that they have to live up to your expectations, and their grandparents. Feeling that if there is anything negative in there they will have to explain it to you, and their grandparents.

Not on.

Tell the grandparents the best bits, and leave out the rest.

Stand firm on this, it is none of their business.

I told my mum "he got 8 As and a only one C". Her response? You guessed it. "what was the C for". So I replied "do you know what mum, that is exactly why I do not show you the written reports. Last year it was 13 Cs and this is your response".

DON'T DO IT!!

Sorry to shout but I am really pissed off on your behalf.

HollyGoHeavily · 27/07/2010 14:40

If they've already had the highlights I wouldn't send them the full reports. They are written by teachers for you, the parents, and may be highly sensitive for your children. Ignore the request, they'll forget about it after a while...

TotalChaos · 27/07/2010 14:40

yanbu at all, v. sensible of you to opt out of the competitiveness.

LoveJules3 · 27/07/2010 14:40

Um, no. My FIL is a governor(sp?) at my daughters school, and i had to ask his teachers not to give him any information about my dcs. It got to the point where he had more info than me on how my children were doing!

They also expected to see the reports, but we just said, "oh, we're very pleased and they're doing well." My mil is awful for comparing though, her great-nephew is 4w younger than my ds and she's constantly saying "X has 3 teeth, where are Dgs's?" or " X is crawling, why isn't Dgs?"

I would agree with the other posts though, chat about how well they're doing and maybe where things need to be worked on, but no reason why they should have the actual report.

Original poster
KathKa · 27/07/2010 14:41

That's it - my SIL is quite competitive and I don't want my dc's involved. Even though I know for a fact that my dd got higher scores in her SATs (SIL told me her dd's results and I said "oh, well done" and changed the subject), I just don't think they should be compared as my sil and niece might feel less proud of her achievements iykwim?

Families - AAARGHH!!

OP posts:
LoveJules3 · 27/07/2010 14:42

His? Their!

Guadalupe · 27/07/2010 14:45

How odd that they want them.

No way would I send them for comparisons. I'd just say no need, I'm happy to hear your medical went well, I don't need a paper copy detailing your BMI for eg.

littledutchchicken · 27/07/2010 14:50

I wouldn't show them copies. But it would be a bit different if they are contributing financially to school fees because then they'll want confirmation that it's worth spending the money.

deaddei · 27/07/2010 14:50

Send them a fake one.
"Tom's knowledge of tens and units has vastly improved which means he will know if he's short changed when buying crack cocaine."

hormonalmum · 27/07/2010 14:56

It is nice they are interested but if it is for competitive reasons, I would just say "x and Y are doing really well, the teachers are pleased with them. mr kathka and I are delighted"

dh told his mum about dd1's report, her response was "she's only in reception, she has a long way to go yet and might not keep it up". Hence my generic reply!

sunshiney · 27/07/2010 14:56

Deaddei - I just choked on my tea laughing at that comment .

Miggsie · 27/07/2010 14:56

How about "little Jimmy's empathy, generosity and people skills are excellent, especially when one thinks of how emotionally uptight and pointlessly competitive his grand parents are."

Original poster
KathKa · 27/07/2010 15:01

Thank you everyone! I was beginning to think I am uptight and this is just something people did.

They have never bothered before and definitely no contribution to school fees going on!

OP posts:
Jane054848 · 27/07/2010 15:02

deaddei - v funny.

I agree, totally interfering and weird.

When I was a kid I would have hated my reports being shown to anyone else, even though they were fine. Perhaps you could use this as your reason if they keep nagging - just say you don't think the kids would like the additional pressure of knowing that their reports were going to be shown to other people.

And good on you for staying out of the family competitiveness.

Miggsie · 27/07/2010 15:04

..some poeple are just too competitive, I bet if they'd had Leonardo da Vinci as a grand child it would be "pity he hasn't mastered the trampoline" etc.

ZZZenAgain · 27/07/2010 15:05

I have never sent copies of dd's school reports to anyone. (No one requested them either):

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