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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to send my PIL's a copy of my dc's reports?

55 replies

KathKa · 27/07/2010 14:27

My PIL's keep asking me for copies of my dc's reports and it's really annoying me. My sil sent them copies of her dc's reports and they keep saying how amazing they are.

I am very pleased with my dc's reports but I feel as if I am being drawn into a competition that I want no part of. My PIL's are quite negative and I think they would concentrate on the areas to improve on that teachers have highlighted (like listening and less chatting!)rather than on the excellent academic results.

I keep making excuses assuming they will forget but they haven't!

AIBU?

OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 27/07/2010 15:07

I agree with all the others. Definitely do not send them the reports. I would avoid talking about them altogether. My SIL is very competitive, especially as my nephew and son were both born on the same day.

I was very cross when they took their KS1 SATS as she asked my son on his own what his results were. He told her and she got a shock as they were all 3s which her son did not get.

I was also compared to my cousin, who is 6 weeks older than me, a lot when I was growing up and we do not get on, even now.

Comparing children is a bad thing.

Kewcumber · 27/07/2010 15:07

I might show my mum DS's report but thats because I'm a single parent and its nice for him to have praise form someone esle apart from me sometimes, and because my mum would defintiely focus on the positive and because I might want to.

If I didn;t want to (for whatever reason) she wouldn;t get one.

proudnsad · 27/07/2010 15:08

Feel your pain. My mum would not be deterred by any of the suggestions above to try and swerve her demands. I guess just say I'll show you next time I see you, can't be arsed to send it? Sorry no better suggestions. It drives me mental.

marialuisa · 27/07/2010 15:15

I automatically share DD's annual report with my dad and his mum, dad always gave mine to his parents.... They are genuinely interested and DD is the only grandchild. I think it's nice that she has someone other than DH and I to tell her how well she's doing and to keep it up. But her reports are glowing and there's nobody for them to compare her to, so I guess the "tricky" bits are avoided for us.

sapphireblue · 27/07/2010 15:17

I remember my school reports were always shown to my GPs......they would never have dreamed of commenting on the not so good stuff or comparing with my cousins though (not in front of me anyway!!)

RenfrewMum · 27/07/2010 15:22

I've given up showing grandparents DD's reports, as EVERY time I have to explain that the letters next to Language and Maths mean the LEVEL she is working at (in the Scottish system they start working at Level A in P1 then progress to Level F by the early stages of secondary school, usually), and not the grade she's been awarded!

Her reports have been absolutely glowing, but all the oldies focus on is that she's got Bs and Cs next to the subject, rather than As, when actually that means she's doing really well!!!

BelligerentGhoul · 27/07/2010 15:27

I agree with the others that you shouldn't send copies of the reports.

However, I would be v cross with my dds if their reports said that they chatted too much and needed to listen (even if academically everything was good), so I think that is maybe an issue too.

How old are your children? Maybe they should decide who gets to see future reports, so that they can choose to share them with GPs but only if they want to?

Rockbird · 27/07/2010 15:31

Put the originals in a safe place the post and act pissed off when they don't turn up.

This might not be plausible for every report for the next 10 or whatever years...

Lucifera · 27/07/2010 15:43

I can see where you're coming from, OP, but my mother used to always ask my db for a copy of her gds reports, she was so proud of them (the girls) and would show them to me and relish them privately - she didn't have any other gc not about competitiveness.

YellowDaffodil · 27/07/2010 15:45

I show DDs school reports to my parents and PILs. However she is an only child and has no cousins so there is no risk of comparison.

I would not show them if I had a competetive SIL and they would compare. And I'd tell them why I wasn't showing them. There will be plenty of opportunities for comparison that you won't be able to avoid - who passes their driving test first etc. - make sure they know now you will not tolerate them passing comment on who did it first or best.

fathersday · 27/07/2010 15:54

you are most definitely not being unreasonable. why do they want them so much? they can surely feel involved in other ways - dcs drawing them nice pictures, emailing, phoning to chat about day's gosspi - reports just feels like scrutiny. my parents are a bit like this, they are constantly on at me 'what are DCs SATS results / exam results / spelling test results blah blah' and even worse 'what did everyone else get' - it is all with aview to putting DCs in a hierarchy, which they did to us, which was NOT GOOD - surprise! good on you fro refusing - your DCs will be much better off!

diddl · 27/07/2010 15:55

If you don´t want to-don´t-it´s not actually their business.

They can be proud without seeing the reports FFS.

This is the sort of thing my ILs would have done were we still in UK.

Not out of pride, but because they don´t know when to butt out as it´s not actually their business.

llareggub · 27/07/2010 16:00

I'd probably offer to show grandparents the school reports. Why not? I don't quite understand the big deal. By showing them the reports you aren't engaging in competitiveness and it is a little sad that everyone has assumed that competitiveness rather than grandparently love is at the root of the request.

Now, if they were hankering after attending the parents evening then maybe I'd understand!

Hittite · 27/07/2010 16:08

I accept the competitive thing but to put the other side forward I always email a copy off dd's school reports to my parents, her father and my grandparents. I don't really see the harm they are naturally interested and very proud.

diddl · 27/07/2010 16:25

But imo they can be interested & proud without having to see school reports.

OP-were your husbands reports shown to his GPs?

prozacfairy · 27/07/2010 16:33

Tell them how great your DC are whatever their strengths are and change the subject, as others have said. That should be enough surely? I'm actually quite grateful for my MIL now who assumes that DD is good at everything "just because".

I don't get how anyone can have the cheek to ask for a copy of a school report of a child who isn't theirs. I also think it's a recipe for competitiveness and I'd politely tell them where to go if they kept bugging me for this. You'd think they'd have gotten the hint by now!

forehead · 27/07/2010 16:44

I think it's rather strange to ask for a copy of a grandghild's report. My parents or PIL wouldn't ask and i would not send them a copy even if they had.
I would just avoid talking about it OP

forehead · 27/07/2010 16:45

I mean grandchild's

TheFallenMadonna · 27/07/2010 16:47

My (divorced) parents and my PIL, who all cordially loathe each other, had a lovely bonding session over the DC's reports, congratulating themselves on how marvellous they were, and each secretly thinking that it must come from their side of the family

Hittite · 27/07/2010 16:48

My dd is the only grandaughter on my side of the family so their is no competitiveness.

mnistooaddictive · 27/07/2010 16:55

My friend showed me his DDs report but only in a "how can 3 pages of small print be completely meaningless" way. Her Gp were even more confused than I was.

SuzieHomemaker · 27/07/2010 17:09

We let DGPs have copies of reports until DGPs innocently gave them to SIL to see (she is a teacher). SIL sent me an unpleasant email essentially telling me off for all of this!

We now just give edited highlights.

DetectivePotato · 27/07/2010 19:18

What a weird thing for them to ask!

It is obviously just so they can compare with the cousins.

Don't do it. If you do it now, they will be trying to interfere in all sorts of things. I hate it when people comment on the negative stuff.

When I got my GCSE results (5 B's and 5 C's) my step grandad (who I lived with) commented on the C's. I said A*-C are the high grades and he said "yes but the C's are the bottom of the high"

Thanks very much. 12 years later and I still remember that.

diddl · 27/07/2010 19:23

My MIL still harps on about the fact that husband never went to grammar school!

Neither of them did either.

So with that attitude there was no way they were sticking their beaks into anything concerned with our children´s education!

5Foot5 · 27/07/2010 20:35

I don't think it is weird that they want see the school reports. My PILs are always very interested in DDs report and always seem very proud of her whatever it says.

Mind you I can understand the objection if it is going to be turned in to a competition.

DD is not the only GP but they are all different in age and go to different schools so it is not like they could compare really. They just genuinely like to know.

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