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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need an outside perspective, Am I wrong? Or is he?

73 replies

HedgehogsHogHedges · 24/07/2010 10:31

I am asking this to try and figure out if I am wrong and should change or if my husband is being unreasonable.

I have no eyebrows at all I have to draw them on with a pencil. To be quite honest I look a bit like the girl from the old playstation advert before I draw them on.

Anyway, My husband is always asking me to draw them on, fair enough. Once I had a huge row with my mum and stopped at morrisons on the way home. Because I had been crying, my eyebrows had came off and he asked me to draw them on because I looked odd. I was really upset that he was insensitive anough to mention that while I was upset but I drew them on.

Sometimes he studies my face and then says something about my eyebrows. (I know this seems ridiculous)

Anyway I am not dressed today, haven't brushed my hair and he asked me to draw them on because I look wierd.

I said that I am at home, I don't expect to walk around the house where noone can see me with makeup on! Thats ridiculous. He then said I don't make an effort and he isn't physically attracted to me.

I feel awful. I am nearly 39 weeks pregnant, feel fat, horrid and generally ugly.

In the past I have changed things for him, I lost weight when he suggested I did, I dye my hair because he 'likes change sometimes' I feel so fed up.

He said he will always love me, but he isn't attracted to me at the moment.

Am I being Unreasonable?

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 24/07/2010 10:37

YANBU... 'Love' should be unconditional. In your husband's case, 'love' appears to be conditional on you looking the way he wants you to look. Saying you 'look weird', 'odd' is very insulting. Comments like that would be appalling enough coming from a total stranger and they're even worse coming from a supposed life partner - who presumably is no oil-painting himself? And it is particularly bad at a time in your life (pregnancy) when you need reassurance that you are beautiful.

You are being controlled and emotionally bullied. Don't put up with it a second longer.

TotorosOcarina · 24/07/2010 10:40

Frig, what a dick head!

Sorry he is being so insensitive at such an important time.

It is he who is in the wrong, very very much so

Original poster

HedgehogsHogHedges · 24/07/2010 10:42

But do you not think that if it really bothers him I should just do it, If nothing else but to get peace.

OP posts:

toccatanfudge · 24/07/2010 10:44

bloody hell - no way you are definitely not being unreasonable.

and NO you shouldn't do it because it really bothers him - that's his problem not yours -

TotorosOcarina · 24/07/2010 10:45

No, I don't.

He should acept you as you are in your natural state.

I'm sure my husband would prefer me to have my hair done, make up on, nice clothes all teh time but I have lazy days - and when I am pregnant I spend the whole 9 months in PJs! And a good while after too!

So if your natural state means no eyebrows then he shouldn't bother you!

Can I ask why you don't have any?

Original poster

HedgehogsHogHedges · 24/07/2010 10:47

I don't know why, My skin is fairly dark and my hairf is very dark but the hair on my body (arms, legs, EYEBROWS!) is very faint. The hair is there it's just not visible, I did have them dyed but it wore off very quick and wasn't dark enough.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 24/07/2010 10:49

He is being unreasonable.

As a complete aside you could get them tattoed on, just ensure you go somewhere with an excellen reputation for it and get your dh to pay as it bothers him so much. I was just thinking how much time & effort it will save you long term!

valiumSingleton · 24/07/2010 10:50

Oh my God! He is making you feel crap about yourself.

It's like, left to yourself, you have a good perspective. You know that you are more than just your missing eyebrows and you don't feel like that defines you while you are pushing a trolley around morrissons! But your husband is trying to make you have a big issue about it, upsetting you, trying to make you conform to some preconceived notion of his.

Tell him that his personality, and his sense of common decency is missing its eyebrows.

I definitely don't think you should cave, and meekly roll over for a 'quiet life'. That is a slippery slope. The truth is that if he loved you warts and all this wouldn't even be a small deal. His attitude is totally wrong.

I want to read what Mathanxiety, SGB, Anyfucker and Dittany make of this one.........

I say telll him to take his personality which is missing a few features to pack a bag.

Chil1234 · 24/07/2010 10:50

That's how emotional bullies operate... 'do this or I won't be happy'... 'dye your hair because I need a change'... 'lose weight because I don't find you attractive'....

Whilst it's good to make ourselves presentable for reasons of self-respect as well as respect for our partners that is not the same thing as what you're getting. What 'bothers him' is that you're being yourself and not obeying his wishes.... and if you can't be yourself with your husband, your relationship is on very shaky ground

TotorosOcarina · 24/07/2010 10:52

I might consider tattooing in your situation, but NOT for your DH but for yourself.

valiumSingleton · 24/07/2010 10:52

Yes take a long hard look at him, he is flawless? On the outside? Certainly not on the inside.

Lulumaam · 24/07/2010 10:53

he is being totally and utterly unreasonable

agree with the suggestion of having your brows tattooed on, it might be available on the NHS if you are psychologically affected by not having brows.

your husband is being exceptionally mean, whilst you are carrying his child to say he is nt atrratcted to you

he was attracted to you enough to make a baby with you

does he mean he is not attracted to you because you are pregnant ? or becasue you did not draw on your brows>

either way, he is a thoughtless, selfish man

you've lost weight for him, dyed your hair for him.. what does he do for you? make you feel like shit.

not a good trade off

Original poster

HedgehogsHogHedges · 24/07/2010 10:53

He does have ADHD so I don't know if he realises how hurtful and inappropriate it is. I really don't think he is a bully.

I just feel so ugly. I used to have a LOT more self respect in the looks department and I constantly compare myself to other people now, but I really don't think he realises what he is doing to me.

OP posts:

AmazingBouncingFerret · 24/07/2010 10:59

You dye your hair because sometimes he fancies a change??

Oh Hedgehogs pleeease go back and try and read your OP as if someone else wrote it. Imagine if your bestfriend told you that her OH told her he wasnt attracted to her and that she looked odd.
You would be outraged.
Now gather up some of that anger (pregnancy hormones should help here) and give him what for! He has no right whatsoever to say those things and he is being completely unreasonable.

skidoodly · 24/07/2010 11:01

Tattooing a great suggestion for the eyebrow problem but doesn't solve the husband problem unfortunately.

To be so scathing about your appearance so late in pregnancy is deeply unkind. A lack of kindness can kill a relationship, especially in the stressful days with a newborn. The fact that he thinks it is his place to tell you what to do with your hair is a bit worrying too.

I know now isn't the best time to do it, but you need to start standing your ground a bit more, and be open to couple's counselling if he doesn't react well.

CarGirl · 24/07/2010 11:01

"I really don't think he realises what he is doing to me"

Or he does and is quite happy that you now have little confidence so there is no chance of you standing up for yourself.

OrmRenewed · 24/07/2010 11:03

Man's a twat. Sorry but he is

My DH has no hair - he shaves the lttle he has off daily. He also has a goatee and tache so tends to look the emperor Ming But I love him and he likes the way he looks. Wouldn't dream of telling him to change it.

valiumSingleton · 24/07/2010 11:04

You will feel less ugly without him. When you were upset after an argument with your mum, he ignored your distress and thought only about how your no-eyebrows would reflect on him! He sounds heartless. He sounds ODD.

I bet life with this man is quite a hard slog... are you always trying to win his approval?

Don't compare yourself to other people. There's no reason why you should. You haven't entered a competition have you!? Perhaps he has entered you into some virtual competition and you feel the weight of his criticism, it's crushing you. He's not your judge!! Who does he think he is? He's supposed to love you because you are you, not make you feel like a freak. Which is precisely what he's doing.

cory · 24/07/2010 11:04

If this is what he is like when you are 38 weeks pregnant, how will he cope with labour (some women do end up looking less than perfectly groomed while pushing a baby out from a small sensitive part of their bodies)? How will he cope with you looking puffed and worn out in a hospital bed, possibly with a catheter inside you and scars across your belly or fanjo? How will he cope with the mess and unpredictability of babyhood?

At this stage in your pregnancy there are other things he should be worrying about than whether he feels physically attracted to you or not.

Original poster

HedgehogsHogHedges · 24/07/2010 11:05

He never told me to change my hair, I think I may have written that badly, but I know he likes me to alter it sometimes, so I did.

I just feel like i'm never good enough, my clothes, my hair, my eyebrows!

A big part of me wants out because my self esteem is so low now. But I know I will stay stay because I love him, I don't think this is his fault. I think he is very looks focused.

He grew up in a house where his mum will not be seen without a full face of makeup on and his sister openly admitted to me that she can't go anywhere without makeup or doing her hair.

OP posts:

toccatanfudge · 24/07/2010 11:11

but you did change your hair for his benefit rather than yours.

Your self esteem is low because of him. A decent man (that's worth loving) will love you regardless of how you look, natural state "just got out of bed" or dressed up to the nines.

Original poster

HedgehogsHogHedges · 24/07/2010 11:12

He said he does love me and always will, he isn't attracted to me.

OP posts:

toccatanfudge · 24/07/2010 11:13

of course he says that - he's worn your self esteem down so low that he knows if he tells you he loves you and always will then you'll "look past" the fact that he doesn't find you attractive.

Chil1234 · 24/07/2010 11:17

"But I know I will stay stay because I love him"

There's a difference between loving someone and being relieved when they're in a good mood. He doesn't love you... he just tolerates you when you look OK. ADHD is a pathetic excuse. If his mother wore a tiara round the house it is of no importance - he's a grown man and you're not his mother. You don't think you can do any better at the moment because that's how emotional bullies keep their women tagging along....

You asked for an outside perspective and I don't see anyone else telling you that this is a normal relationship. Your call at the end of the day but be warned, it starts with eyebrow make-up and it carries on with who you can friends with, what you can wear, how often you can leave the house.

runnybottom · 24/07/2010 11:20

He's a twat. No question.

As an aside, please tell me it was a joke about getting eyebrow tatoos on the NHS? You have got to be kidding me?

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