Need an outside perspective, Am I wrong? Or is he?

[HedgehogsHogHedges]

I am asking this to try and figure out if I am wrong and should change or if my husband is being unreasonable.

I have no eyebrows at all I have to draw them on with a pencil. To be quite honest I look a bit like the girl from the old playstation advert before I draw them on.

Anyway, My husband is always asking me to draw them on, fair enough. Once I had a huge row with my mum and stopped at morrisons on the way home. Because I had been crying, my eyebrows had came off and he asked me to draw them on because I looked odd. I was really upset that he was insensitive anough to mention that while I was upset but I drew them on.

Sometimes he studies my face and then says something about my eyebrows. (I know this seems ridiculous)

Anyway I am not dressed today, haven't brushed my hair and he asked me to draw them on because I look wierd.

I said that I am at home, I don't expect to walk around the house where noone can see me with makeup on! Thats ridiculous. He then said I don't make an effort and he isn't physically attracted to me.

I feel awful. I am nearly 39 weeks pregnant, feel fat, horrid and generally ugly.

In the past I have changed things for him, I lost weight when he suggested I did, I dye my hair because he 'likes change sometimes' I feel so fed up.

He said he will always love me, but he isn't attracted to me at the moment.

Am I being Unreasonable?

Your DH is totally in the wrong. Even if you weren't heavily pregnant he shouldn't tell you how to do yourself up. Vile. How can he not be attracted to you? He married you! Obviously we all change over time (I am several stone heavier with much shorter hair than when I married, and my DH is greying and his hair is thinning) but that spark is still there I know my boobs still do it for him even if my tum and bum are the size of a hippo's.

He'd better get used to you looking low maintenance for a while, you're about to be consumed in a newborn and totally shattered, FFS!

Love yourself lots and let his views be his problem.

What a horrid man.I have no eyebrows because they didn't come back after chemotherapy.I am conscious of this but my dh never comments nor does anyone else and I never ever try to draw them in.

Oh you're the husband... now controlling what your wife writes on a message board in private? This just means you are even more of a bully than we all gave you credit for.

She should be grateful you don't go and have an affair? Grateful that you're 'honest'? You really have problems mate....

I am glad you'd never have an affair hedgehog husband.

I do think you shouldn't snoop on her laptop though, she has a right to vent her feelings on friendly websites in private.

No-one is saying everyone should just let themselves go but honestly making someone feel bad about themself makes them less likley not more likely to jump out of bed and make a huge effort every monring. Relax and be happier together, and good luck with your baby.

"still want us to make the effort as we did when we first met"

tough shit mate. People get older, they change, bits sag, they droop, they get bigger, babies come along and they take priority.

I tell you any man that always expected me to "make an effort" and to meet their expectation of how I should look at the time wouldn't even get into bed with me.

I bet you're totally perfect aren't you

Hedgehog's husband - "i still want us to make the effort" - do you still make an effort? Is telling her she looks odd and unattractive and needs to lose weight the kind of effort you made when you first met?

"Tell him that his personality, and sense of decency is missing it's eyebrows." Genius comment, valiumSingleton :D

Hedgehog's husband - there is more than one definition of a dickhead, and one who causes his wife such hurt and upset, and then tries to defend that by saying at least he doesn't have affairs, is a dickhead - and a mean and nasty one, too.

Read her posts again, and try to hear the hurt and pain coming through them - and realise that it is you that is causing that pain. You do not have the right to cause her that pain, and if you love her, you will STOP it at once.

As others have said, people change, bits sag etc etc - I weigh a lot more than when dh and I got married, and he is thinner on top, but he loves me just as I am, and vice versa.

If you go on like this, you are going to make your wife clinically depressed - when the baby is born, she may not have the time or energy to shower or dress some days, let alone put on a full face of makeup - because she will be up in the night with a baby, and then taking care of the baby during the day - and believe me, that is a full-time job, and doesn't leave much time for personal primping.

If at that point, when she is still tired from the birth, maybe feeling unattractive because she still has some baby-weight, is struggling to establish breastfeeding, isn't getting a night's sleep and is generally having a tough time, she also feels that you are judging her physical appearance, there is a big risk of her tipping into postnatal depression.

I have had PND three times, and no caring husband would risk doing anything that would push his dw in that direction.

You need to be encouraging her, building her up, telling her how gorgeous she is, and how wonderful it is that she is growing a new life in her body - make her feel lovely, not unattractive and unloved - which is what you are doing now.

Perhaps if you did have an affair she'd finally realise that you don't deserve her?! Emotional bullying is just as bad if not worse, as she doesn't even seem to realise how cruel you are.

Well mrhedghog You're about to have a rude shock. She's about to have a baby, and guess what - once that happens she isn't going to have the time or the energy to 'make the same amount of effort'. Are you going to have a go at her about her looks when she has a newborn to look after?
How is she going to adjust to motherhood if you are standing over her making her pencil her eyebrows in and generally making her feel crap about herself? Maybe you should pay attention to the fact that she says you have made her feel low about herself.
She is HEAVILY pregnant and all you can do for her is tell her to make more effort with her looks? your priorities are sadly skewed!

Mrs Hedgehog: Please read your posts again as others have suggested. In one you say

'I really don't think he is a bully.'

The next:

'I just feel like i'm never good enough, my clothes, my hair, my eyebrows!'

This is exactly what bullying is about. He is totally undermining you and making you loose your self esteem and you're making excuses for him. For eaxmaple the ADHD seems to be being used as an excuse to behave badly and in a controlling manner.

I am concerned for OP when baby arrives and her priorities will be focussed quite rightly elsewhere.

I am quite concerned for the OP now that her husband has discovered she's been asking about his behaviour on a public message board. Women have been murdered for changing a Facebook status....

Men either love you or they don't, it's not a grey area issue. If they love you, they love all of you no matter what you look like or what is happening.

If they seem to feel they have the right to comment on your appearance, your weight, how you talk, the lot, then they DON'T love you.

Tell him to feck off, really you don't need a man like that, there are plenty of other lovely ones out there no matter what people say. I left, it took me years to get there but once I did I met a truely lovely man who adores all of me literally within weeks and I've never looked back.

God he sounds like a controlling arse. He's even controlling what you do on a sodding internet forum.

He is being completely unreasonable and needs to be very careful about his attitude towards external appearance, particularly if the baby you are carrying is a little girl. There is enough pressure from the media/friends/colleagues without having such a bullying and controlling man trying to pressure you into doing what HE wants all the time at home.

I am so sorry your self esteem is so low and you're feeling so down about this, please just try and focus on your baby for the time being and put this man out of your mind as much as possible.

nope, he's being a twat.

you are heavily pregnant and don't need this crap.

What an arse.

Just seen husband's post, as someone at the same stage of pregnancy as your wife, do you have any idea just how crap it can feel? Cause I feel like hell today! And that is with a loving, supportive husband who still fancies the pants off me despite the fact I currently have no make up on, my hair scraped back and the scruffiest clothes you can imagine. How your poor wife must feel I dread to think. She ought to be able to relax at home without your shitty attitude...she is about to have your child!! And stating that you're not running off having an affair just makes you normal in that respect, not a saint.

This has really wound me up.

I bet he's no supermodel either.`

Oh I forgot to add, I don't have any eyebrows either. Well theres sparse hairage there but its more of an afterthought than eyebrows. I might look into getting mine tattooed in too. If you live in Lincs I'll go with you and we can get them done together but ONLY if you are getting them done for you, not that moron OK

I agree with Chil1234. This is bullying, although he may well not realise it.

You need to calmly explain how it makes you feel and what you need from him.

You may have to say it two or three times, as he may genuinely not understand things the way you do. If he gets cross ask him calmly to listen and model calmness.

If he cares about you he will try to change his behaviour. If he doesn't try to change you know where you stand.

Due to personal pressures I let hubby almost turn into a bully as I couldn't be bothered to argue. It took about six months of calm firmness (like with a child) to get things back on track, but it was worth it and he has learnt a lot.

Uh-oh, ISA - Insensitive Shit Alert

Sorry, I don't really have much in the way of constructive comments to add, but Mr HH, this is a non-problem, engage consideration chip please.

I was only thinking this morning while having a cuddle with the mrs, how there's a bit more of her to love now, so what.

Seriously Mr HH, it's like telling a joke, there's a way. If you really want to "be honest", for heavens sake find out how the adults do it, not like a smack in the chops.

And, if the problem actually lies at your feet, get some help with it. There are plenty of people around these days.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but really.

Not harsh, ThatBloke - it's the reality check that this man (though I use that word reluctantly, as I don't think he is very manly and certainly not gentlemanly) needs.

Thankfully my dh takes the same attitude as you - there's more of me to love.

Wow, she'll pay for this with about 72 hours of him sulking now I bet.

Poor mrs hedgehog.

ps I hope TRM doesn't mind me mentioning this, but her x stalked her on to a forum and he made a huge big deal out of the fact that he'd been faithful to her, as if that were the only measure of what made a good husband.