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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shock outburst from neighbour should I take the CAB advice?

102 replies

alicatte · 23/07/2010 09:31

I am asking this because I don't really know what to do. I spoke to CAB and they said to get in touch with the police. What do you think dear mumsnetters, I feel it seems an extreme solution but I really don't want it to happen again.

I have lived in my house for a very long time - several decades - but it is in a street of houses where there is a high turnover. One of my neighbours who moved in five years ago and lives opposite me had a surprising and major outburst with me yesterday.

But first a bit of background. I have a small driveway,just enough for one car not enough for two (unless it was a G-wizz or a smart car). I have had this for decades, as does my next door neighbour and several other people on the street have hardstandings outside their houses. Recently two more hardstandings were added and then the local authority changed the rules and stopped any more hardstandings being put in.

I am a teacher and am usually at work, my husband has a company car and works all round the country - he gets back at all sorts of times and so we leave the driveway space for him as parking can often be difficult in the evening.

When we first had the drive we did try to put one car in the drive and the other outside over the driveway, but unfortunately because parking is so tight people were constantly parking a wheel or so over the driveway space (just trying to fit in - I guess people get desperate.) and so both the driveway and the space outside were becoming unusable on many occasions. We then started to manage the parking. We also have a garden at the front and so in the evenings, after the day parkers had gone, I would park on the road in front of the garden, so that my husband could still park when he came home.

For decades no-one ever complained about it, some people even said that it was nice that there was always somewhere you could draw into and unpack your children and your shopping before looking for a parking space. We are the first road without residents parking so we have a lot of extra cars overspilling from nearby roads.

Then S moved in. Two years ago on the first day of the school holidays and 5 days after my father had died I was woken at 8.00 a.m. by furious knocking on the front door. S said that she had friends coming round and where were they supposed to park. I should put my car in the driveway and not be so selfish. I was quite tearful at the time and explained why, she said that it wasn't anything to do with her that my father had died. Just to make it clear, at the time there were loads of places in the street - there always are during school holidays.

S's mother then arrived later in her Jaguar, she parked over my driveway (where my car was) although there were lots of other spaces in the street. I was weeding in the front garden at the time and I was a bit shocked so initially I didn't say anything just talked to her, eventually I asked her if it would be possible for her to park in one of the other free spaces instead of blocking me in, she said she wouldn't be long and breezed off into S's house - she was there for hours.

Nothing else much happened for a year and then one day S's husband leaned out of the window as I passed and asked me why I was taking up spaces in the street when parking was at a premium (again this was on a day when there was loads of space). I have a cleaner who was using the driveway space that day - I explained this to him. Later when I went out (on foot) he went over and harangued my cleaner, who reports that she gave him rather short shrift.

Then yesterday I arrived back to find S waiting in the street. She was just about to go on holiday and she laid into me about my discourteous behaviour with regard to the parking. She told me that she understood 'by law' that if you had a driveway then you should only use that space yet we were taking up space in the street. She shouted out at the top of her voice that she didn't believe that my father had died two years ago that it was just a story that I had made up to make her feel sorry for me. She said that she had spoken to other neighbours and that they had told her that I had said that my mother was ill but they had seen her walking up the street two days later (this is impossible as my mother lives at the other end of the country) - bizarre or what. These things proved that I was a liar and discourteous.

All the time my two sons, who have lived here all their lives, were watching this. They were both upset and said that they felt invaded. She was shouting and shouting. So I shouted back (yes I am shocked at myself) that there was no law against parking outside your own house but there were laws against harassment and she was harassing me. I also said that if other neighbours were talking about me then I believed she was starting the conversations. At this point my husband arrived and supported me in a very reasonable way - explaining the same things to her. I went over later and tried to smooth things over which seemed to go well but this is the third incident and I feel so embarrassed at the horrible scene in the street - I can't take it again.

The CAB say it is harassment and I should contact the police. I confess I do feel a little afraid of her.

What would you do?

OP posts:
alicatte · 23/07/2010 12:00

I guess I'd better find the police number.

OP posts:
sorebore · 23/07/2010 12:08

Maybe you could log the issue with the police if they do that kind of thing, and then rather than be drawn into any 'live' situation where you might end up being drawn into the craziness, just write a clear and reasonable letter explaining that you were surprised at her behaviour and do not want to be drawn into a dispute. Then explain again in simple terms why you need to park in the road, and then say that as well as the logic of it, it is perfectly legal - cite code whatever if you need to. Then say 'I consider the matter now closed unless you have any legal objection' and something about hoping you can all live peacefully as neighbours or whatever.

savoycabbage · 23/07/2010 12:09

We were in a VERY similar situation to this with our attatched next door neighbours.

They got very wound up, then angry and then extremely aggressive about parking. It decended into them being violent and racist towards us, spitting on our baby, saying that they were going to burn down our house.

I gave up my job as a supply teacher as I was scared to leave the house and also worried that I might walk into a school and one of them might be there. It sounds silly now, but it wasn't at the time. We felt unsafe in our home for more than a year and couldn't sell as the man stood outside yelling about us. He also garnered the support of the other neighbours by lying his head off, thus isolating us further.

The police did NOTHING.

Anyway, tread carefully I say. You can not reason with people who are slightly deranged, as my neighbour was. Whatever we said or did would not have worked as he was one of those people who is never going to see the error of his ways. I knew that we were right and he was wrong, but that didn't make our lives any more bearable.

The conclusion of our story was that there was a problem with the boundries on our new build ouse so we took the builder to court and they gave us another (better) new house on another development. Then they sold our house for much less than it was worth. This dragged the house prices down and when our old neighbour sold his house it was for eleven thousand pounds less than he had bought it for

alicatte · 23/07/2010 12:28

S has said that she has been discussing this with other neighbours too.

Community Support have just been very nice to me on the phone. I asked about the things S said and it seems she is definitely wrong about the use of driveways. They even said that it is not advised to block an exit with another car.

They advised me not to contact her again - rather as most of you have been saying. But they also respected my right not to want to take things further at this stage.

They also suggested photographs and a log just in case it escalates and pointed out that this was not the first time. They said that it is not acceptable to shout at people in the street and it does constitute harassment.

Oh well - I feel really sad about it all, I have got on well with my neighbours in the past.

OP posts:
TheButterflyEffect · 23/07/2010 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

raucousdorcas · 23/07/2010 12:37

Rockbird your parents could try complaining to the school about inconsiderate parking or the education authority if that gets them nowhere.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 23/07/2010 12:38

She is a loon and a bully. And she doesn't even have a car!

OTOH one of our neighbours does something similar and it annoys the hell out of me. It annoys me enough that they take up a stretch of space with their dropped kerb, but then to baggsy a further space (which is effectively what you're doing) because the other car won't be back til late is highly annoying. It would be like my dp or me putting cones outside for each other. It's just not on, really (as a rule - there are exceptions. Someone on call for example.).

In reality of course I'm just a bit of their driveway and I wouldn't ever complain about it - to them or to my other neighbours.

thisisyesterday · 23/07/2010 12:44

yes, i agree with CAB and i would contact the police

you are entitled to park wherever the hell you like on your street, and if she doesn't like it that's her problem

I would call your local police station and just explain it to them, tell them you've spoken to CAB and that they advised calling the police.
Just have it on record. that way if she does it again you can call them and they can see that it has already been documented and may take you more seriously.

she IS harrassing you and she is bullying you, and she needs to be told to stop

Morloth · 23/07/2010 12:50

Sounds mental, call the police.

alicatte · 23/07/2010 12:53

Jenai,

The problem is that both we and the next door neighbours have a driveway the space between is just enough for one and about two thirds of a car. My car is tiny and I just take up the spare space BUT when I don't park there two normal size cars can't fit but often try to - which means we can't use the driveway or our neighbours can't and sometimes both. This would mean 2 or 4 extra cars looking for a space in the street.

That's why I don't think changing my managing behaviour would help any. I guess it would remove my driveway advantage but it wouldn't really benefit anyone else.

I've never got anyone ticketed, although my neighbours have, I just don't want to go down that route.

Thank you for sharing how you feel.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 23/07/2010 13:00

I would report the incident and ask the police to have a quite word with her, if she then continues to harrass you - go back and ask the police if they can have one more word and say that with two counts of harrasment you can prosecute to get her to stop doing this.

Don't avoid her, don't lay down. Stand firm and hold your head high, there is no need for this type of bullying and i expect with one word it could help but aks the police to sort things out.

I would also keep a diary

Miggsie · 23/07/2010 13:04

if S says she is speaking to other neighbours it may be worth you having a chat to them as well?

If you have 2 cars then inevitably one will always be parked on the road anyway as you only have 1 car drive. Parking can cause a lot of stress but is anyone else on the rad really so het up about someone having 2 cars and only a 1 car drive.

I wouldn't engage with the loony directly unless she forces it, but see what other neighbours are saying.

Is she picking on anyone else in the road about their cars?

alicatte · 23/07/2010 13:10

I don't know Miggsie. I will take your and indeed everyones advice and not contact her directly.

At the moment I feel too embarrassed to talk to the neighbours.

I hadn't thought that anyone was so het up - no one had complained or behaved like this before.

Thanks for helping me to get some perspective - it was all very upsetting.

OP posts:
kittens · 23/07/2010 13:26

Some people are just unreasonable and no amount of reasoning will ever make them see sense. My mum has private parking at the back of her flat and her neighbours always park on it which means when we visit we have no where to park. When I spoke to them about it they said well she doesn't have a car and you don't live here - no amount of explaining it was private property not belonging to them worked. So I called the police and got them to explain it to them.
It seems to have worked so far, but I'm not holding out much hope...

You are doing everything within the law and you can park on a public highway regardless of whether you have a multistory carpark in the front of your house, so she is just being unreasonable. We have someone who parks on the road outside our house every day making it really difficult to get in or out of our drive, but its a public highway and he is not blocking the drive, juts really close to it so we just have to live with it. I wouldn't ever dream of telling him not to park there (even though the rest of the street is empty).

Needanewname · 23/07/2010 14:02

Why are you embarrassed - she's the one making the scene.

I would suggest ignoring her unless she kicks off again and ask your neighbours if they have a problem?

alicatte · 23/07/2010 14:21

I guess because she told me that she had been talking to other neighbours who felt as she did. I don't know who they are. I feel both bewildered and hunted really.

I will definitely not make any more contact with her. I had been thinking it would be best to sort out why she is so angry and had thought of asking her over for tea or something but I guess its just too risky.

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 23/07/2010 14:28

I think I'd find it hard too, alicatte. Of course you shouldn't feel embarassed but this loon's bullying tactics have made you nervous about approaching other neighbours.

It would be interesting to know if others have been on the receiving end though - it might be that when one person breaks cover a whole bunch of people will come forward having suffered at this woman's hands.

alicatte · 23/07/2010 14:40

I went out earlier and I felt that some neighbours were avoiding my eyes - guess they are embarrassed too. Maybe in a few days I'll get my courage up.

Its my birthday next week too - perhaps I should invite people round if there is good weather.

OP posts:
Remotew · 23/07/2010 14:43

I read some where that they were going to stop giving permission to drop kerbs.

Someone I know moved onto a new street and one of the well established neighbours did actually did put cones out. He moved them.

swanandduck · 23/07/2010 14:57

I agree, invite the neighbours over and don't let that nutter get you down. If you're parking across your driveway I don't know what her problem is, because no one else would be allowed park there anyway, except the householders.

alicatte · 23/07/2010 14:59

Yes you are right. They have stopped it here unless you have a space which can take an estate car at 90 degrees to the road or have clear access to the back of your house.

That was how it used to be 20 years ago and then they changed to allow 'hardstandings'. I would still have a big enough space although many others wouldn't get permission now.

Cones are going a bit far but if the neighbours are older or ill ...

About 20 years ago a neighbour had liver cancer and she really couldn't walk far - it was tragic, she died in just three months. Her husband put cones out when he took her out for a drive which was something she really liked, almost no-one minded except for one man who would always remove them 'on principle'. Most of us used to put them back when he'd gone indoors.

OP posts:
PrettyCandles · 23/07/2010 15:14

Alicatte, you don't need to feel embarrased about your neighbours. You don't know what she's been telling them - or even if she has spoken to them at all. You only have her word for it, and she's a loon, right?

It's your discomfort that is making you think they were averting their looks. The sun was probably in their eyes, that's all.

A modest, quiet couple on our street were involved in a disturbance recently that resulted in the police being called. I have some idea what it was about, have no idea who was right or wrong, and am not going to take sides. I know that they are very embarrassed about it. So when I have met them since it happened I have pretended it didnt happen. I nod/greet/chat as normal. If they want to bring the matter up, that's their choice.

The only neighbour I think you should talk to is the one next to you, whose drive is also affected if people park between you. See how they feel aboutthe situation.

alicatte · 23/07/2010 15:30

I know my next door neighbour has had angry altercations with others (including other neighbours) in the past. But I haven't except with S. Since I began managing the parking by moving forward into the little bit of space by the line after the day parkers have left he hasn't had any problems really so its all calmed down. S did say that she'd been talking to 'other neighbours with driveways' Maybe I'm just getting paranoid.

OP posts:
thursday · 23/07/2010 15:31

people are ridiculous about parking. where i lived a couple of years ago one of my neighbours liked to leave notes on my car if i parked in a certain place, informing me i lived on X street and therefore couldnt park there. the first time it happened i'd just moved in and immediately checked with the council as it is a slightly weird road lay out. they confirmed i could park there so i did. in the end it made me really paranoid and nervous for my car that someone knew who i was and where i lived, clearly had a huge issue with me but was too cowardly to knock on my door and let me know who i was dealing with so i was suspicious of all my neighbours.

next time she makes a scene about it, i would definitely report it. they should have a word with her. she'll hate your parking but will have to keep it to herself

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 23/07/2010 15:34

she'd been talking to 'other neighbours with driveways' - so perhaps not about you but about their parking. Perhaps she has an issue with everyone with a drive. (drive envy then, like mine! only I'm quite nice )