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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP acts unreasonable about food?

59 replies

Forest79 · 23/07/2010 07:44

I believe my DP has a psychological addiction to food. So much so that the only way he could avoid dying from morbid obesity was to have an operation which would restrict how much he could eat. He lost a lot of weight but a couple of years later and he is still obsessed with food. He eats junk constantly. Crisps, biscuits, cakes, chocolates. But he tries to turn it around on me and constantly makes comments about me overeating etc. I don't think I do overeat. The last time he said this I'd developed a bit of a stomach ache and he said "well that will because by over eating" or he'll say something like "wow, you get on the scales tomorow, you've eaten loads today" etc.

A typical days food for me is as follows

Breakfast = a bowl of cereal and a cup of tea
Mid morning - OCCASIONALLY a packet of crisps but certainly not every day
Lunch - a small sandwhich
Dinner - a child's size meal (as I get full very quickly)
Supper - OCCASIONALLY a couple of biscuits.

I do not overeat, I don't care what anyone says. I'm not overweight so why does he constantly make out that I'm a fat pig and eat too much?

He's also obsessed with meals being regimented. Like you have ONE hot meal a day. So he kicked off when I allowed DS to stay hot dinners at school as that meant he'd have to have a cold dinner like a sandwich as he'd already had his hot meal of the day. One day I went out for lunch with a friend and DP said when I got back "what you having for dinner?" so I said "same as everyone else! why?" so he said "but you had a hot meal while you were out!" ??? Funny how it doesn't stop him getting a "hot" takeaway on a night though.

He always seems to look for excuses for me not to eat. Like last night I took DS to a party and had a couple of cocktail sausage rolls while I was there - DP said "right, so who am I cooking dinner for then? cos you and DS won't need any".

Sometimes he'll say to me "what do you want for tea? just a tiny portion of what everyone else is having?" ???? why can't he just give me the same as everyone else?

(and before anyone says it, he does the cooking because I work full time.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 23/07/2010 07:50

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Original poster
Forest79 · 23/07/2010 07:55

I have a dodgy stomach though and I have a bit of a phobia of that "full" bloated feeling. I do eat when I'm hungry though, I don't starve myself.

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needafootmassage · 23/07/2010 07:56

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tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/07/2010 07:56

Gosh, he sounds like he's got ishoos. I wonder if there's a few things going on here.

First, there's definitely some projection going on about the overeating. And the hot dinners thing is really, deeply odd.

But, you sound like you don't eat enough, actually - are you really thin?

Is it at all possible that he's actually saying "just a tiny portion" "you won't need dinner after those sausage rolls" because you eat so little? He's actually referencing the fact that you only eat a child's size meal because you get full quickly?

But the bottom line is, his behaviour is making you really unhappy. So it doesn't matter what the cause is, you have to tell him to cut it out, and if he doesn't manage to, you're going to have to set some boundaries to make sure it doesn't happen. Develop a script to nip the conversations in the bud "I don't overeat and I don't like you suggesting that I do" - repeat as necessary. For the portions "I would like a normal portion please". Because issues or not, it has to be addressed.

sapphireblue · 23/07/2010 07:58

from what you listed, I would say that you aren't eating enough. Does your DH tell you that you're overweight? Does he say similar things to your DS? It sounds like he has a pretty serious issue with food and my worry is that he's going to pass it on to your DS. He needs to see his GP and ask about counselling IMO.

Original poster
Forest79 · 23/07/2010 07:59

I'm not thin really, I'm a healthy weight. (5ft 10in - 10st)

I've never been able to eat much. Its worse if I eat any kind of potato. If I eat a potato or chips etc I'll only be able to eat arund half of the rest of the meal. Yet I can eat loads of pasta. It's wierd!

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Sn0wflake · 23/07/2010 07:59

Yes big time issues. He is also very rude to you. I hope you answer back to all this. I hope you tell him that he has no right to dictate what you eat.

I think something needs to be done because this will rub off on the children. I speak as someone who was affected by my mothers eating problems (not as bad as your DH's).

marriednotdead · 23/07/2010 08:00

WTF
Attack really is the best form of defence isn't it!
The whole time that he's digging at you, you haven't got time to question his eating habits. I bet he is frightened by his own addiction to food so he tries to control your eating as he can't manage his own.
I think you should refuse to discuss food outside of the initial 'what do you want for dinner?' Do not rise to the digs or barbed comments. The 'why?' on the end of your response about dinner gave him an opportunity to have a pop- that needs to stop. It will be a hard habit to break, but his unhealthy attitude to food will be picked up by your dcs so distancing yourself from it seems to be the safest way to minimise the impact.
It will be a long haul, but I'm sure other MNetters will have other views and different strategies for coping with a very frustrating situation.

Original poster
Forest79 · 23/07/2010 08:00

He still is slightly overweight but what annoys me is that he piles DS's plate up really high. The other day DS was given a chicken thigh, a piece of beef steak, onion rings, pasta - honestly it was a massive meal. Too much IMO.

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MathsMadMummy · 23/07/2010 08:02

He is BVU. how annoying for you! he has major issues.

so he actually had that surgery then? I can't believe he still eats crap, if he can only eat small amounts he needs to prioritise healthy stuff. am amazed he's not under the guidance of a dietician.

I'd guess he's jealous that he physically can't eat as much now, and wants you to have the same restrictions.

It sounds really controlling though, I know this is something of an MN cliche but is he controlling in other ways, or is it just food?

maduggar · 23/07/2010 08:02

You both sound like you have food issues tbh. Be careful, this could be very unhealthy for your children

maduggar · 23/07/2010 08:05

There is one bit I dont understand - you only eat small child sized portions, but complain when thats what your DH offers you that? Or have I got that wrong?

Galena · 23/07/2010 08:05

It sounds to me like you both have issues about food. I don't understand why you're upset when he asks "what do you want for tea? just a tiny portion of what everyone else is having?" As you said you don't eat much and only eat a small portion.

Definitely sounds like you both need to see a professional together to discuss your opinions of food.

Chil1234 · 23/07/2010 08:06

Your husbands sounds as though he has an eating disorder of some kind. Obviously not anorexia nervosa but EDs come in all shapes and sizes. The disorder has made him extremely sensitised to food in general and obsessed about not only what he can/cannot eat but resentful about what others eat. His behaviour mirrors the people with anorexia/bulimia i.e constantly comparing what's on their plates with other people's , making judgements about eating/drink particular foods (two hot meals is 'greedy' etc), various phobias (food combinations, foods to avoid, lists of 'safe' foods). None of it particularly rational, of course.

Because you have a child and because eating habits are learned from parents, I would suggest that he should consider counselling as a matter of urgency. The gastric band can only fix the physical ability to overeat. What's going on in his head is clearly far from normal.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/07/2010 08:06

Do you mind if I ask this again? Because I'm really interested if this explains it:

Is it at all possible that he's actually saying "do you want just a tiny portion" and "you won't need dinner after those sausage rolls" because you eat so little? He's actually referencing the fact that you only eat a child's size meal because you get full quickly, and not trying to control your food?

MathsMad, bariatric surgery has a very high recidivism rate. The surgeons don't tend to mention that, but it's really common.

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/07/2010 08:06

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Original poster
Forest79 · 23/07/2010 08:20

The thing is he insists that what I eat is loads. So when I eat half a plate of fish and chips he almost gets excited and waffles on about how much I've eaten and how much weight I'll put on. I think its almost as if he wants me to over-eat so he can feel less guilty about what HE eats.

I don't think his attitude is down to me eating little because he doesn't think I do eat little.

OP posts:
MathsMadMummy · 23/07/2010 08:22

um, what does recidivism mean?

Original poster
Forest79 · 23/07/2010 08:23

Go back to old ways?

OP posts:
MathsMadMummy · 23/07/2010 08:26

ah I see thanks

(that's what I thought BTW... just wanted to check)

irises · 23/07/2010 08:27

Is your dh still overweight even after the surgery, op?

ArseHolio · 23/07/2010 08:27

You both sound like you've got huge issues around food.

I hope you arnt projecting your freakery on your children.

You both sound like you need counciling. It sound like your husband resents you being able to eat normally.

Greed is really ugly.

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/07/2010 08:30

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Original poster
Forest79 · 23/07/2010 08:31

I think, Mathsmadmummy - not 100% sure myself

He's about a stone overweight because he eats lots of suppers etc. Sometimes he'll eat a packet of crisps whilst he's dishing out dinner etc. I was suprised he had no councelling tbh because he is obviously not going to change and I think within a year he will be back over 14 stone again - perharps creeping towards 15 - and so it will steadily creep up until he's 18+ stone and saying "if I get above 14/15/16/17/20/30 stone again I'dd do something about it.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 23/07/2010 08:36

Forest - would you say you're more bothered about food than you were before meeting him? Food issues are terribly contagious