Desparate for a 3rd ... husband says no

[mykidseyessparkle]

I'm new here and think that my issue has undoubtedly been debated before but feel I need to get it off my chest. My dh and I are very blessed. We have two lovely DSs aged three and six months. My husband always said that he didn't want to get married nor have kids. He then met me and changed his mind on the marriage thing without any influence from me. Likewise with having our first ds. Re: the second, I raised having another and we decided to wait a year before having a proper chat about it. I prepared all of my arguments for the chat but to my surprise when the day came dh needed no convincing having decided that our ds should have a sibling. I always thought that we would have two and that would be our family and so I was very surprised when I was pregnant with ds that I was dreaming of a larger family. I love my boys so very much but really do feel that our family is not yet complete. I desperately want another child. I was coping fairly well until last week when I went to visit my friend with her newborn and she declared that she was completely happy that her family was now complete. Whilst of course happy for her I was devastated for me. I do not have that 'complete' feeling. I raised this with my husband last week and he has said that under no circumstances would he even consider having a third. He refuses to even discuss it although I have managed to get out of him that he wants the house back (it is messy) and that he wants his wife back (he won't even consider sex whilst I am pregnant). I know he has given me two beautiful children when he never intended to have any way back when and I am truly grateful but my desire for a third is not at all rational ... my emotions are bubbling over. Can anyone help me to deal with this? Sorry this is a very long thread but I need help.

Having children is, accidents aside, a decision made by two people. I think you need to sit down and discuss why you want more and why he doesn't to try and get to the root of both of your feelings. If you are insistent about it, I think you may risk driving a wedge between the two of you in what is probably an otherwise happy relationship / family.

I agree totally with kola. I also think you need to take the use of preparing arguments or trying to convince him out of the equation as it will only increase the pressure in both of you.

Oh poor you - you sound miserable. I can only offer you some of my experience. I had my two DC when I was 39 and 40 and for ages after ds2 was born I felt the same as you - as if the family wasn't complete, really getting broody when I was with other people's babies etc. But because of my age, and also other circumstances, we decided not to have any more. And I must say that as time has passed (they are now 3 and 4) that feeling has passed too. It doesn't seem such a disaster at all. In fact, while I love spending time with other people's babies, I'm also immensely glad to have unbroken sleep, no nappies and all the rest that goes with having older children.
I don't want to negate your feelings at all, but could it be that the hormones of pg/newborn baby are still kicking around (I think it takes a year or so for them to get completely back to normal), and that in time you might feel better about this? I don't know your circumstances, age etc, but could you and your DH reach some sort of compromise - you explain how you feel now and perhaps agree to delay any decision-making for a year or two and see how you both feel then?
Also, might I respectfully suggest that he helps out a bit with the mess in the house...

Just let it go. there is far more to life than having babies. your husband is right, get your life back a bit, get the house back a bit, enjoy your marriage.

sorry to be so blunt, but would you like the next baby to be a girl or don't it matter.

I was wondering that - is it a quest for another child or for a daughter, in which case what if number 3 is another boy?

I'm in a similar position in that I have two lovely boys (3.6yrs and 22mos), and I would love to try for another baby in a year or so when DS1 has started school.

DH won't hear of it, though, unless I can guarantee him a girl who'll sleep through the night from birth .

I'll be 40 next year and I've had two MCs and difficulty conceiving in the past, so even if we do give it another go, it might not necessarily happen. I'm therefore trying to remain philosophical about this - if it happens by accident (not accidentally on purpose, I hasten to add) then that's great, if not, then at least I have my two extremely precious boys. But of course I don't know how I'll feel in a year's time when DS1 is at school and I'm a bit closer to the menopause.

How old are you by the way?

On a practical level, can you hire a cleaner to make the house tidier? Perhaps your DH thinks that if the house is so messy with only two children, a third will tip it and him over the edge.

In the meantime, your youngest is still very little and your hormones might still not be completely settled post-birth. Can you not give yourself another six months in which to talk this through with your DH and work out exactly why it means so much to you have this third child?

i'm just going by my experience ( not having a pop) , that i have a boy and a girl and my family is complete so df is having the snip in 3 weeks time

For all you saying DH won't let me have a baby"

how would you feel if you woke up one morning eight months pregnant with a baby you didn't want?

Unless the biological clock is really ticking, give it a while and see. Your youngest is still young enough to disrupt your time together and to fulfill desires for a little baby in your husband's mind.

Maybe when the youngest is a bit older and life is a bit calmer he may change his mind.

If not, be grateful for what you have - I have two and we always wanted three, but are getting a bit old to be certain we will get a third. If we don't, we'll still be blessed to have the two we have - many people are not that lucky.

Gosh you guys are amazing - I only just posted and all of this advice!

Well I'm 33 so have a bit of time I guess so tempted to wait and see if he changes his mind but I fear that he won't if things get back to normal - in hubbies words!

Lola - I wish he would sit down and talk about it but he refuses too even when I said I didn't want to try to convince him but rather hear his reasons so that perhaps I could understand his point of view.

Mum of two - I have thought about this long and hard and I guess there is a little of that - my mum died when I was a child so do long for that mother daughter relationship but if I was told tomorrow I could have a baby but only a boy I wouldn't hesitate for a minute. I love my boys so much.

I am also the eldest of four so am used to a happy bustling house. My husband is the youngest of two.

Colditz - I understand what you are saying but it hurts so much that he doesn't want the same as me and without his agreement there is nothing I can do

You do realise that your hormones are at work too? So many of my friends had huge baby yearnings when their 2nd was 6-9 mths old. Maybe it's something to do with your body recovering from the birth.

I love my kids and wouldn't send one back, but I do have a quiet wish that my 2nd pregnancy had been a singleton and not twins. I think there's something good about 2 parents and 2 kids-a good ratio!

When you've got 2 already I don't think having another should be a deal breaker-it's not fair on the kid if 1 parent isn't keen.

Why doesn't he want to have sex with you when you are pregnant?

It sounds like he thinks of you as some kind of sex toy for his disposal.

It's a hard one.

A childless woman posting that she really, really wants children, it's incredibly important to her, but her husband won't contemplate it in a million years is probably going to get told "dealbreaker: you have to break up with him, otherwise one of you will be unhappy and resentful forever, this is a non-negotiable thing". At least, that's the advice I've seen, over and over and over.

But a woman with a child who posts about how incredibly important a second one is, and whose husband refuses, is always told that she'll have to accept his decision, you can't force someone to have a child. Fair enough, of course, you can't - but once you have a child, the option of breaking up and seeking out a partner who wants the same number of children as you becomes closed off, in people's minds. I don't know anyone who would advocate ending a relationship because one partner wants more kids and the other doesn't.

And it's awful to feel that something so incredibly important to you is so totally out of your control. You feel stuck, and resentful, and sad.

He is not right to refuse to discuss this with you. This is a decision for both of you and he is making it unilaterally, which is horrible.

It is also creepy that he said he wants hid house back and his wife back. Did he really say that?

You can't both make a decision though, when one person wants one thing and the other definitely wants it.

babies are something you just can't compromise about. you can't say "Well, we'll have another baby but we'll give Ds1 to my sister" or "Ok, we'll have another baby but we're putting it up for adoption when it's two" - they are either there, in all their screamy demanding delicious glory, or they are not there at all.

And if someone was trying to tell me to 'compromise' and 'discuss' my not wanting any more children, and wouldn't drop the subject after I made it clear how I felt, I'd leave them.

Colditz wht do you feel that you alone get to make that decision without any discussion?

Why does it have to be what he wants - without any discussion - why are her wants/desires less important?

You have got to at least talk about it. He is being completely unreasonable not to have the discussion. I really feel for you.

I am in a similar situation, we have two gorgeous DDs but I would like a third, not now but maybe try in a couple of years when DD2 is 3. DH is categoric that we are done. I have been thinking about it a lot myself and think i need to reconcile whether I just am broody for a baby or really want the reality of another child and what it means going from 2 to 3. DD2 was a nightmare baby and to some extent i feel a bit cheated of my time with her as a baby, and I am not sure our marriage would survive another DD2. Both girls are a joy now and life is good, I have said to DH that in two years time can we just have a conversation, the chances are our life will be easier and I won't want another but I have just asked him to never say never. Perhaps you can leave it for a while you have time, and see how you feel in a year or two.

If you'd leave someone for wanting to discuss something perfectly reasonable and can't fathom that it is possible to make a joint decision in a situation where you can't both get what you want then you are an impossible person to have a relationship with.

Declaring that compromise is impossible and therefore talk worthless is the kind of pointless brinksmanship that leads to total breakdown of trust. See Royal Mail and Adam Crozier, BA and Willie Walsh for details.

The OP might as well decide to try to get pregnant without her husbsnd's knowledge - if there is no point in talking or attempting to understand each other, if it's winner takes all and the parties are set up in direct opposition, why not just protect your own interests?

Particularly if you're with someone who is prepared to split up your family rather than hear you?

I know there is a general hostility on mn towards women who have the temerity to want more children than their husbands, and that it is seen as perfectly normal for men to have full, unquestioned control of their wives' fertility, but this really takes that to a new and ludicrous level.

Also it's bollocks that he has compromised on what he wanted. Changing your mind about what you want isn't compromising, although I can see the attraction fir the person who has got exactly what they want in pretending it is.

It is silly to pretend that this argument is symmetrical. Having children has a huge impact on a woman's body that there is no male equivalent of, so having more children is a different thing to ask of a woman than of a man.

As for compromise - before dd1 was born I used to think I would like 5 children. After being through a pregnancy and the reality of having a baby I revised that figure downwards somewhat. It would be dishonest of me to claim that as a compromise in discussion about further children (dh always thought 5 was way too many).

The op's husband appears to have made all the decisions about children already. I can't see how that is a compromise?