Desparate for a 3rd ... husband says no

[mykidseyessparkle]

I'm new here and think that my issue has undoubtedly been debated before but feel I need to get it off my chest. My dh and I are very blessed. We have two lovely DSs aged three and six months. My husband always said that he didn't want to get married nor have kids. He then met me and changed his mind on the marriage thing without any influence from me. Likewise with having our first ds. Re: the second, I raised having another and we decided to wait a year before having a proper chat about it. I prepared all of my arguments for the chat but to my surprise when the day came dh needed no convincing having decided that our ds should have a sibling. I always thought that we would have two and that would be our family and so I was very surprised when I was pregnant with ds that I was dreaming of a larger family. I love my boys so very much but really do feel that our family is not yet complete. I desperately want another child. I was coping fairly well until last week when I went to visit my friend with her newborn and she declared that she was completely happy that her family was now complete. Whilst of course happy for her I was devastated for me. I do not have that 'complete' feeling. I raised this with my husband last week and he has said that under no circumstances would he even consider having a third. He refuses to even discuss it although I have managed to get out of him that he wants the house back (it is messy) and that he wants his wife back (he won't even consider sex whilst I am pregnant). I know he has given me two beautiful children when he never intended to have any way back when and I am truly grateful but my desire for a third is not at all rational ... my emotions are bubbling over. Can anyone help me to deal with this? Sorry this is a very long thread but I need help.

Gosh fairy that sounds awful. If he was the one who was pushing for this then surely he should pull his weight?

Thats the horrid thing about this situation I guess as either way somebody could be left resenting the other.

I just wish we agreed with each other. Its the first big thing in our relationship which we have not seen eye to eye on!

I don't think that he could be persuaded in any event so I guess it will be me left to deal with my emotions and 'my problem.'

OP look at it like this.
You said yourself that DH did not want marriage...but he got married.
He did not want children...but he had 2.
If you do come to an agreement to have a 3rd DC, what's to say that after no 3 is born, you will not decide that you 'need' another child?
I think you should be thankful for the DCs that you have, and instead of wasting your time wanting another, put all your energy and time into the 2 that you have.
Trust me, with 3 DCs, you are so split for time. You spend most of the day feeling guilty because you cannot give each child enough quality time. You are constantly trying to share yourself between all of them, and it's really hard.
Be happy with your little family.

When your children are in their teens you will have your life back, you'll be able to do things together without worrying about babysitters or child care.

I wanted a third for a few years when my two were younger but in retrospect I'm so glad we didn't. I really enjoy my boys, they're great friends despite being very different.

Enjoy having 2 children. Its lovely.

i think you should wait a little while, give it another 6 months maybe before you broach the subject. it's still early days and you're only young and don't have to rush into it right away.

I have been in your situation. I had 2 DSs and desparately wanted a third. My DH did not. His comment was "You know it will be another boy". My reply was no I don't and I don't care if it is. But DH never came round and in the end I reluctantly accepted it. My only alternative was to break up my DSs happy home for the sake of something I wanted. I didn't move away from wanting a third and at times could almost see a third child sitting with my other DSs, However a few years later fate stepped in and I became pregnant by accident. I denied it for weeks because I was convinced that DH would go balistic, but when I eventually told him he was fine with it and we now both dote on our third DC. Only annoying thing is that DH was right and it was another boy! (Don't mind having another boy, do mind DH being right and getting to say I told you so!)
Not quite sure what the message is from this story, except that you never know what might happen in the future. Your DS2 is still young - your DH may change his mind and miss having a little one in the house in a year or so. Or you may have an accidental pregnancy; or you may even come to accept stopping at 2 and enjoy the freedom you get when your DCs are a little older. In the mean time enjoy your DSs babyhood and don't let your differences ruin this or your relationship with eachother.

Your second dc is only six months old your hormones possibly have not got back to normal yet whic I think is possibly highlighted by the fact you say you have a irrational urge for another ,
I do not agree with all the criticism of your dh , having children can be a shock to men too it would scare the living daylights out of me if my dh said he wantedanother and my ds is six months , I too want my house and social life back sometimes it's normal after a huge change , relax on the subject for a bit enjoy your young family and your dh give yourself some time to get back to normal then if you still feel as stronglyIn six months to a year bring up the subject again .

Am I the only one a bit at those who wanted another but their OH's didnt getting pregnant 'accidentally'?

Learn to enjoy what you have not what you don't.

He probably doesn't want to discuss it with you because you'd just try to emotionally blackmail him into getting what you want.

Gemsy... No you're not, it's a terrible betrayal.

Well yes, I was wondering what there is to is discuss.

He doesn´t want any more-he doesn´t need persuading to change his mind to discuss it.

I too have been in your situation. I wanted 3, DH didn't. After 6 months of talking arguing we decided to go for it and I fell pregnant straight away. We now have a gorgeous family of 2 DS and 1 DD, and I do feel 'complete'. Definitely no no4 here!! We are selling all the baby stuff as DD outgrows it.

Unfortunately you are right. There is no easy answer to this and whatever you decide there will probably be resentment. Our extremely strong marriage has been pushed to almost breaking point this past year, and we have had some very tough times. Things are looking up now and we are slowly getting back to the way we were.

If we had stopped at 2 I have no doubt that the resentment would have been on my side and I would have always regretted not having the third child I so desperately wanted. Our marriage would have been rocky at a later stage.

BTW my DH adores our DD and I love to watch them playing. My opinion was always that you will never ever regret a child who is here, but you could always regret the child you never had.

Sorry for the long post. I really do feel for you, and know firsthand how impossible the whole situation is.

OP cant you try and be happy with what you have? just "file" the issue for a time, and instead of wanting what you dont have, enjoy what you do have?

I just think its so sad that when you should be enjoying your lovely DC, you are focusing on this

I have 2 children almost the exact same age as yours, I went to baby weigh and saw 2 newborn twins and I got SO BROODY

so I do understand

bit I think that this desire needs to be managed, and only you can do it

My emotions are getting the better of me here so I am sorry if this comes across as harsh. You have a lovely family and two lovely children, why not just be happy with what you have.

It could be worse, how would you feel if you were me: PCOS, pituitary tumour and MAJOR MAJOR fertility issues. Who knows if I'll ever have one child let alone the two that aren't enough for you.

"My opinion was always that you will never ever regret a child who is here, but you could always regret the child you never had."

Do you know I´ve see that loads of times on here & I find it absolute bollocks tbh.

How can you regret what you don´t have?

Oh and for all those saying they talked their husband round & he dotes on the child-well he´d have to be a complete unfeeling bastard not to wouldn´t he, so I´m not sure that that proves anything.

You obviously feel you're missing something in your life, but it can't possibly be a child that doesn't exist yet.

Do you feel inadequate, perhaps, because of a lack of achievement in other areas? Are you unhappy about another aspect of your life?

As women, we are more than capable of finding completion and fulfillment in areas other than childbirth and homemaking, no matter what society thinks.

I hope you manage to take a look at your life and find out what's really missing. All the best x

A1980 - I am sorry to hear of your situation. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. I hope my post has not caused you any further upset. Re: your question - I am happy with what I have and appreciate both of them every minute of every day. I thank God every day (I am religous) and I know that I am blessed. I am a logical person and my logic tells me to get over it and get on with. My emotions are an entirely different thing altogether. I originally posted 6 months ago and I still feel the same. I wish the feelings would just go away.

Bachuus - "As women, we are more than capable of finding completion and fulfillment in areas other than childbirth and homemaking, no matter what society thinks." - I agree entirely, (although I have never been one to come across any negative societal attitudes towards women and their 'place in the word). I have achieved in my life both on an academic front (gained a 2:1 honours degree in an academic subject), and professionally - I have a professional job which allows me to work part time and balance that with life with the children. I work from home and am paid an above average salary. I am happy with all other aspects of life. I have a great husband who I love dearly, a great family and set of friends. I am a very lucky lady I know. I have analysed all of these feelings and think that they must be somehow linked to my mum passing away when I was 12 years old. Following the birth of each of my DS I really missed her - in much different way that I ever had before. I felt that I needed her and that I had missed out. I had never felt before that I had been hard done to. Maybe that is where this all stems from.

Thanks you everyone for your continued thoughts on this matter, This is certainly a sort of therapy.

For the record my DS3 was an accident, although I don't blame people for thinking differently as I had made no secret of my wish for a third child! But he was conceived at a time of the month when conception was highly unlikely and in any case was caused by DH's carelessness not mine
I agree that most men will dote on their child however unexpected, but I do know of one case where a man felt pressurised into a third child and this at least contributed to the breakdown of their marriage shortly after she was born.

Give it a year and see how you both feel then. Bear in mind the fact that DH has made no secret of his wishes and you entered the relationship knowing what they were. You may have to accept this and get over it. You have two lovely boys and it sounds as though no problems on the way.

We wanted three - at least, possible more. DD was my fifth pg (ie, pg of longer than 8 weeks) and I was very grateful to eventually get a second health baby.

Good luck - enjoy what you have.

Glad i found this thread. In the same boat. I have two lvoely daughters, 3 and 1. I knew i wanted one more a few weeks after i had my DD2, and i am still there, 14m after! My husband is adamant that we are done though.

I dont think discussing helps very much though - i would not place so much hope on talking about it. The problem is that you cant meet half way, you either have nr 3 or you dont. We had a few discussions 'in passing' on this, and we then went for a drink last night to 'discuss properly'. And it did not get me anywhere. He says he is too old to go for nr 3 (i am 33, he is 48...). none of my arguments worked. none of my pleas worked either. in our case, waiting will only make things worse.

i cant get over the feeling that there is a void in my life where nr 3 should be. i am sure some will be offended reading this as some are trying hard for nr 1 and nr2 and i am dreaming of nr3, but it feels very similar (albeit a bit less strong i guess). I have not found my answer to this situation yet, so cant advise much to others. i am just finding it really hard to reconcile with this. i am not sure what to fill the 'void' with.

i dont understand why men have such a stong view on this! they dont have to carry, give birth or breastfeed do they? yes they get sleepless nights etc and financial pressure, but i'd like to think if i were a man i would let my wife go for one more if she really wanted to.

Sparkle,
i just read your post of last week above, and i saw the word 'therapy' in it. perhaps that would be my answer. it helped me in the past, it could defenitely help with this kind of dilemma.

Don't give up, but do limit how often you talk about your feelings.

I say this now that my dd is 8 and after 7 years of asking too often, then asking occasionally, my dh has finally changed his mind

My problem is my age 42- may be too old!

You say you thank God for your children, have you prayed about this longing too?

Hi all. I have not logged on fair a while but checked in tonight. A great deal developments here - no change in dh 's view nor mine for that matter but I have managed to gain some insight into my issue. I now realise that my longing is not just for a third child but for a DD to go along with my two beloved DS. I am sure I will get a bashing for this as people generally are not very sympathetic to such feelings. I wasn't either when I heard of people feeling this way and then boom I feel this way. I understand it is called gender disappointment although I don't like that label as I am not at all disappointed with what I have. My DS are my life. My GD does not come from wanting to buy frilly dresses or have princess parties it stems from the fact that my mum passed away when I was a child. I feel like I have missed out on that mother-daughter relationship and I long for that. This realisation has helped me to deal with my issue and also I have shared these feelings with my dh. Whilst he still feels the same as he did before, I think it has helped as he now appreciates that my desire for another child has a grounding rather than me simply fancying another baby.

Eagle - I most certainly have prayed about this longing. I have prayed that one way or another my husband and I agreed -I.e. Both do not want another or both do. As yet this has not materialised but I believe that God is helping us through this and that he has a plan. I hope you find that you are not too old and good luck.

Suslick - I am sorry you are going through a similar issue to me and hope that you can work through it. I notice you have two girls - are you dreaming of a boy? I didn't think that I was after a girl but when I allowed myself to admit it I felt better.

Suslik - I just noticed that your DD2 is the same age exactly to my DS2 - I'll race you to try to change DH mind (joke - if I didn't laugh about it I would have to cry ... Again).