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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Desparate for a 3rd ... husband says no

74 replies

mykidseyessparkle · 22/07/2010 23:30

I'm new here and think that my issue has undoubtedly been debated before but feel I need to get it off my chest. My dh and I are very blessed. We have two lovely DSs aged three and six months. My husband always said that he didn't want to get married nor have kids. He then met me and changed his mind on the marriage thing without any influence from me. Likewise with having our first ds. Re: the second, I raised having another and we decided to wait a year before having a proper chat about it. I prepared all of my arguments for the chat but to my surprise when the day came dh needed no convincing having decided that our ds should have a sibling. I always thought that we would have two and that would be our family and so I was very surprised when I was pregnant with ds that I was dreaming of a larger family. I love my boys so very much but really do feel that our family is not yet complete. I desperately want another child. I was coping fairly well until last week when I went to visit my friend with her newborn and she declared that she was completely happy that her family was now complete. Whilst of course happy for her I was devastated for me. I do not have that 'complete' feeling. I raised this with my husband last week and he has said that under no circumstances would he even consider having a third. He refuses to even discuss it although I have managed to get out of him that he wants the house back (it is messy) and that he wants his wife back (he won't even consider sex whilst I am pregnant). I know he has given me two beautiful children when he never intended to have any way back when and I am truly grateful but my desire for a third is not at all rational ... my emotions are bubbling over. Can anyone help me to deal with this? Sorry this is a very long thread but I need help.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 23/07/2010 08:57

It's only been six months since you had a baby. I'd leave it a year or so.

Also, if he really doesn't want anymore, then he should take responsibility for the contraception and use a condom or get teh snip.

KerryMumbles · 23/07/2010 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gladders · 23/07/2010 09:13

definitely a hormonal thing - being desperate for another baby when current one is 6-12 months. step back a little bit - if you still feel this was in a year then you do need to discuss it. If not having a 3rd would still make you very unhappy then your dh should be willing to look at it?

am finding the comments about wanting his house and his wife back a little creepy. having children changes the whole relationship dynamic - nothing will ever go back to how it was before.

and not having sex with you because you are pregnant? that is v odd

julythoughts · 23/07/2010 09:22

name change. I have posted under other name before about this as was in same boat. 2 years on I feel exactly the same. I am v resentful and I still sometimes well up when I see newborns. I have been told no no no. We argue about it most weeks. I feel like I will not have fulfilled my life without another child and this makes me really sad. I am probaly very selfish but this feels like a loss to me and I ache. Unfortuantely sometimes these feelings don't pass

p.s. can someone tell me if they can only see this name or my normal one - not sure if I have done this properly

joanneg20 · 23/07/2010 09:37

I feel for you OP, because it's always tough when you and your partner want different things but I'm inclined to agree with others who say that you might need to compromise here.

I disagree with those who have said that your DH hasn't necessarily compromised. Yes, he changed his mind about having kids originally, but who's to say that part of the reason for that isn't that he loved you, so much that you convinced him/he wanted to make you happy.

Two kids (especially at the ages yours are!) are enough to keep anyone busy, and your husband is entitled to want some time to himself/for the two of you as a couple. I think some people here are being a bit harsh on your DH - saying he wants 'his wife' back might be possessive, or it might just be his way of saying he'd like to spend more time with you.

As for the no sex when pregnant - okay, it's not ideal, but who here would judge a woman for saying she couldn't bear the thought of sex when pregnant? Men have sexual issues too, and who know what his anxieties are about sex during pregnancy? (I'm speaking here as a very tough feminist, in case anyone thinks I'm pandering to male crapness!)

The desire for a third child having already had two is not the same as wanting one, having not had any. Children are not consumer goods - you don't always get to pick the exact number and type you want. Sounds like you have a very happy family, so if I were you, I would try to enjoy it (and enjoy the better sleep you'll have in the next few years without a third baby!)

skidoodly · 23/07/2010 09:40

He's given her everything she wanted?

More like he's given himself everything he wanted and barely consulted her, and now that she expresses a desire for something he is freezing her out.

All this talk about how grateful women should be for their husband's "giving" them children is a bit scary.

skidoodly · 23/07/2010 09:42

Scary because rather than two equals making a decision together it sounds like a supplicant being granted favours by a generous benefactor.

foreverastudent · 23/07/2010 09:50

What contraception are you using?

I take it you aren't using permanent methods so there is a chance that you could have an accidental pregnancy. Would your DH want you to have an abortion?

KerryMumbles · 23/07/2010 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaggedandTagged · 23/07/2010 10:41

Skidoodly- there is no option of compromise in this situation. You cant have half a child. Someone is going to be disappointed.

If the OP is to convince her H she has to come up with a rational argument as to why having 3 children will be "better" than having 2. What is that additional child going to bring that the other 2 don't?

Foreverastudent- that is a terrible suggestion. Tricking someone into a child they dont want is unforgiveable.

ChezzaB · 23/07/2010 10:42

I really feel for you, we have 2 DS's, 2.4yrs and 11mo. I obviously love them both to bits but I would also love a 3rd. DP refuses point blank to discuss it, we have had plenty of arguments about this and marriage (I want to be married, he doesn't) my argument is that he is getting "his way" on everything! To be fair to him both DS's have been extremely happy accidents (pill just doesn't work for me) so to go from never wanting or having any interest in children to being the fantastic dad that he is is brilliant but I still yearn for number 3, so the debate continues ..... It is difficult for me to accept his decision but unless I take the decision out of his hands (which I would never do) I guess I just have to go along with it!

Soapsy · 23/07/2010 11:01

I don't find it in the least bit odd that a man might not want sex with a pregnant woman. Some men (my DH) included just don't find pregnancy sexy, or are concerned about hurting either the woman or the baby. These may not be 100% logical, but they are still valid concerns. But, they are not reasons not to have a third child, as it is only a few months in the grand scheme of things.

OP didn't refer to his house, she siad the house, and I also think it is fair enough that he wants the house not his house back as I have found it does get less chaotic as you get used to having two to cope with. And she is his his wife, not the wife, which would be creepy. What is so unreasonable about feeling that he'd like to have some time with his wife, rather than it all being wrapped up in babies, which lovely as they are, do restrict your adult time, and all relationships need some of that?

There is definitely no compromise on this one. Unless one person changes their mind, there is no middle ground. My DH was adamant that 1 was enough, and I had just about learnt to live with his position and stopeed trying to discuss it when I accidentally fell pregnant with our second.

I don't read foreverastudent's post as intending a 'deliberate' accident or tricking someone, just that if you don't take permanent precautions, there is always a risk, as in my case.

minipie · 23/07/2010 11:12

OP. There is some good advice on here. I think the best advice is wait and see if YOU still feel the same way in, say, 8 months' time when the newborn hormones have calmed down a bit. Right now is not the best time to make that decision.

As a separate issue, I do find it a bit worrying that your DH thinks the house and you will "go back to normal" soon if you don't have another child - by which he appears to mean "back to the way they were pre-children". This suggests that he doesn't realise children change your life, permanently and massively, no matter what age they are, and that he will NEVER get his pre-children life back. Your house will still be messy when your kids are 7 and 10, 13 and 16, etc. You will still be a mother (albeit not actually pregnant). If I'm right about this, I think this is something you do need to talk about with him - as a completely separate issue from whether to have another child or not.

skymonkey · 23/07/2010 11:13

wow, are you a parallel me? I'm 33 with 2 boys, I'm the eldest of 4, partner youngest of 2.

anyway to give you some hope, after partner always saying he only wanted 2 children, is happy with 2 etc, the other night when we were sort of discussing the idea of more children he agreed that one more might be good!!!! my youngest has just turned two, there's no way he would have agreed to this when he was only 6 months old!

i'd say try to enjoy your family as it is, make it so much fun that your husband will be the one wanting to extend the family! try not to push the issue, just mention it gently every so often, when the kids have been behaving nicely and all babies you've met together have been angelic and adorable.

good luck, but in the mean time enjoy the children and life you have already, do things that you can't do when pregnant!

slushy · 23/07/2010 11:14

Me and dp had the same argument dp wanted two I wanted three.

I disagree with the whole there is no compromise me and dp have found one. We will have a shorter gap this time so we can get back to normal quicker, I have to learn to drive first, and do a open university course when the baby comes rather than waiting till the baby goes to school.

So that our life gets back on course quicker. DP reasons for wanting to stick at two was he wanted me to go back to my degree so we can have more income. Also that it was hard with me not driving. So we have found a compromise regarding the reasons he does not want a third. But it took a lot of talking. I feel for you op I don't think people realize how hard it can be to want a child of course you try to move on no one wants to be dwelling and depressed.

staranise · 23/07/2010 11:18

Wait and see. Your baby is still very young, no wonder your DH cannot countenance having another - he might change his mind in a couple of years but there's no point repeatedly raising the subject until then, he'll only feel resentful.

Plus, not to undermine your own feelings, but I'm always very broody until I stop breastfeeding. I think broodiness is hormonal to a certain extent. I wanted a 4th DC until I stopped bfing DC3 at 14 months - now he is walking and talking, life is so much easier and there's no way I want to go back to the baby stage!

Hope this sorts itself out for you, either way.

redskyatnight · 23/07/2010 11:19

I have a friend who was in similar situation to you. She had 2 DC and wanted another. her DH was not keen but eventually agreed. Now they have 3 and she wants a 4th ... if you are relying purely on "feeling complete" you may never feel complete. When do you agree to stop?

slushy · 23/07/2010 11:26

Redskyatnight we also agreed that DP would have a snip after the baby is born.

needafootmassage · 23/07/2010 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lucy85 · 23/07/2010 12:58

Is it cos you'd like a girl? I know some poeple feel like that after 2 the same. You can't force him. And 3DCs would be extremely hard work (what car would you need, how would you manage financially etc). I wonder if he thinks of that?

slushy · 23/07/2010 13:04

It is not always the want for both sexes I have one of each but would like a slightly larger family.

Original poster

mykidseyessparkle · 24/07/2010 23:43

Thank you everybody for your thoughts. It has helped to debate it and am grateful for both the comments that sympathise with me and also those that sympathise with dh as this has helped me to see it from his side too. If only he would speak with me about it.

It hasn't changed the way I feel and still don't know how this is going to pan out but we'll see.

OP posts:

Original poster

mykidseyessparkle · 24/07/2010 23:43

It hasn't changed the way I feel and still don't know how this is going to pan out but we'll see.

OP posts:

Original poster

mykidseyessparkle · 06/02/2011 21:53

Hi all

I have just been reading this thread that I posted six months ago. I'm sad to say that things haven't changed - I still want a third and he doesn't.

The issue got so bad at one point that I thought about leaving ... and I think he did too.

Now we are getting on so much better and our family is very happy.

I've worked out that if we don't discuss it then we get on really well. If we do then things are strained. Sweeping it under the carpet is probably not that healthy but for now it works.

Skymonkey sounds very much like my life - did you go for a third in the end or not?

I was just wondering whether there are any updates from people who posted in with their similar problem?

OP posts:

fairyfart · 06/02/2011 22:17

OP I can only say, after reading your thread today, that you should really rhink hard about this.
I am in some ways your DH. My DH wanted 3 DCs. I wanted 2. I eventually 'gave in' to him constantly badgering me and had a 3rd DC.
I do love DC3, but I do feel a lot of resentment towards DH as all the childcare seems to fall on me, and I never asked for this much work!
Force persuade your DH to go through with a pregnancy that he doesn't really want will all end in tears, eg, my marriage.

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