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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a bit 'salt-in-the-wound' about this?

67 replies

ArsMamatoria · 20/07/2010 22:32

More importantly, how should I deal with it?

It's nearly a year since my OH died. I've posted on Facebook details of a memorial run/walk in his name. A few of my friends have posted comments, mostly just saying things like 'I'll be there.'

One (good) friend however, has posted a comment saying that she and her husband will be there and what could be a better way to celebrate their first wedding anniversary.

In mitigation I had sent her a (private) message saying I would understand if she couldn't make it, so her comment on my status was absolutely meant as a gesture of support and should be taken to mean that she's prioritising supporting me. I am very grateful to have my lovely friends.

And yet, and yet...

Seeing it there on my profile, the juxtaposition of my lost love and happiness with the start of hers... well, honestly, it was a real kick in the gut and I get that sinking feeling every time I see it.

I can't remove it - that would be incredibly rude. Or should I? If you saw this would you think 'Wow, that's thoughtless'? In which case, should I remove the whole thing and re-post the link, in order not to embarrass her?

Then there's the matter of the day of the run itself. A year previously - the day of their wedding - I was trying to write a speech and find a maternity dress for OH's memorial. I'm dreading the hand-holding and unconscious gestures of affection.

Obviously I am all over the place at the moment and my sense of perspective is not what it usually is.

Your thoughts would be appreciated but please be gentle.

OP posts:

hellymelly · 20/07/2010 22:37

I completely understand how painful that is for you,but I do think she is trying to be kind and supportive.It is tactless,but I imagine she would feel awful if she realised how much it has hurt you.All you can do is try and take it in the spirit in which it was meant,rather than how it was given.I a sorry for your loss,you sound extraordinarily brave.

Habbibu · 20/07/2010 22:39

Oh, gosh. You poor thing. I can sort of see what she was trying to do, but it does come across as really rather crass, and I wouldn't want to see it. Actually, I think for one year one you've posted very kindly and magnanimously - I'd have been in a tearing rage.

Do you think you can remove it, and say to her that you are feeling raw just now and found mention of anniversaries too painful to read?

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope the day passes as peacefully as it can; my experience is different, but I have found that the anticipation of these things is often worse than the day itself. I hope that's true for you. Thinking of you.

magicOC · 20/07/2010 22:39

"Celebrate" was probably the wrong word to use, but, you at least understood her meaning.

If it upsets you then why not remove it? Maybe a quick message/text telling her your reason why, i'm sure she will understand.

Habbibu · 20/07/2010 22:40

one year on, I meant.

wukter · 20/07/2010 22:41

Your friend was a bit tactless but ultimately goodhearted.
If you want to remove the status, do, because at this stage your feelings take priority over hers. She seems like a good friend and will probably be annoyed with herself for her thoughtlessness rather than at you if you remove it.

Regarding the day itself - everything will be raw to you. So I would advise you not to dread seeing other couples affection. If you see couples not getting on you will feel gutted that they don't appreciate what they have.

I am sorry about your OH.
The run is a lovely gesture, in years to come (if not now) you will be so proud of yourself for this.

Vallhala · 20/07/2010 22:41

I think you are incredibly brave and that the memorial run is a lovely idea.

Would it be possible to email your friend and say pretty much what you have here - that you are grateful for her support and are really glad she will be taking part but that you found her comment a little hard to deal with as although you are happy for her it's hard to handle the mixture of emotions you're experiencing right now. Perhaps you might add that those who don't know the both of you so well might try to leap to your defence in a well-meant but misjudged attempt to be supportive of you and that you would hate her remarks to be taken the wrong way and to cause upset.

I'm sure that if she is a good friend she will understand, and this would save you from removing the remark yourself and worrying about how that will be received. If I were that friend, I'd certainly remove it, apologise and be there for you on the day.

I hope the day goes just as you want it to you and that you find comfort in your friends.

Fleegle · 20/07/2010 22:41

I would look at the comment in the spirit in which it was made. That they want to be there to support you and feel grateful to be able to remember your OH on their own anniversary.

I do think it is an insensitive comment, but as she is a good friend, I would leave it.

I am so sorry you are going through this- I think the memorial run is a lovely idea.

valiumSingleton · 20/07/2010 22:42

wow, would you have spent your first anniversary this way?!

SEriously, would you?

She sounds like a really good friend.

SugarMousePink · 20/07/2010 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suzikettles · 20/07/2010 22:43

I think remove it and privately message her saying that you know it was made in a supportive spirit, but that seeing the juxtaposition of her happy day with your sad one is just too raw for you now.

I'm sure she'll understand, and yes she'll be embarrassed but it will also be a reminder to her that you're still grieving so, so much and she needs to be gentle with you.

Mermaidspam · 20/07/2010 22:43

YANBU - my first thought was "Wow, that's thoughtless".

Is she trying to remind you (not that you would forget, given the timing) and is hinting so she gets a present?

(I don't really think this, but it's the only explanation I can think of for her carelessness).

lazarusb · 20/07/2010 22:46

She probably didn't realise how tactless she was being and didn't mean to upset you further. Sorry for your loss. Your post says you had to buy a maternity dress a year ago, do you think you could enrol her in some baby related duties on the day?

BythewayItsStillMe · 20/07/2010 22:54

lazarusb, I doubt that, she sounds like a lovely friend who just put her foot in it, who hasn't done that at some point?

She probably just meant she'd rather be there for you on her anniversary because its more important to her. I wouldn't think she was being vindictive.

But like others have said, maybe just send her a message explaining it how you posted here, that you are hugely appreciative of her support but as things are so raw could she just be careful how she words things as you found it a bit hard to take.

If she's as good a friend as she sounds I'm sure she'll hate to think she'd upset you and take it all on board.

I hope the day goes smoothly for you, sounds like a lovely thing to do, smile for your DH and get everyone to tell you their memories of him.

BythewayItsStillMe · 20/07/2010 22:55

Oh lazarusb sorry, I didnt mean you!
I meant Mermaidspam's post.... Sorry....

BonzoDoodah · 20/07/2010 23:03

Oh I am so sorry for your loss. And only a year on must be still so painful.
Your friend sounds like a good one so all I can think is that maybe she means "celebrate" in the way of Celebrate your husband's life? Or maybe she meant mark the day rather than celebrate and the word came out wrong. And she can't 'unsend' that FB comment for her to correct what she meant (gosh how many times have I wished I could unsend).
Maybe speak to her about the day but not her comment specifically and she may phrase things better.

Original poster

ArsMamatoria · 20/07/2010 23:10

Thanks everyone. Writing it down makes it a bit clearer. Yes, there's no question about her intended meaning and for that reason I just can't bring myself to tell her how much it hurt - she'd be mortified. Perhaps I'll just drop her a message nearer the time warning her that I may seem a little 'unhinged' on the day and that it's because most days I'm thinking 'this time last year...' and feeling waves of adrenaline and dread that I can't get back there. I hope she'll get it...

OP posts:

BythewayItsStillMe · 20/07/2010 23:13

I'm sure she will.
If she's going to be there for you on the day, a day she might have planned totally differently, she sounds like a good friend who'll support you and accept you're emotions as they come!

Mermaidspam · 20/07/2010 23:18

I think she will. I'm sure she meant it better than it came across.

Mermaidspam · 20/07/2010 23:19

BTWISM - I didn't think so either, I was scrabbling for a possible ulterior motive

saintlydamemrsturnip · 20/07/2010 23:22

Don't say anything. But I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. It's pretty tactless.

Can you quickly update your status so it drops iyswim

stripeyknickersspottysocks · 20/07/2010 23:23

I think if she'd been talking to you face to face it would have been worded differently and come across differently. It probably sounded different in her head as she typed it, I can see what she meant.

It sounds like you have a good friend who wants to be there to support you.

If you want to remove it then do, you have to put yourself first.

Can you tell her how you're feeling about dreading the hand holding, etc?

I hope the day goes as well as it can.

abbierhodes · 20/07/2010 23:32

It sounds like she's trying to say that remembering your DH is more important than celebrating her anniversary in any other way.

She sounds like a lovely friend, actually, however tactless she may be. As do you, worrying about upsetting her by showing your true feelings.

Sorry for your loss, and I hope the day goes well for you.

DuncanDisorderly · 21/07/2010 09:20

BythewayItsStillMe · 21/07/2010 09:27

Mermaidspam, I get you now

upahill · 21/07/2010 09:41

I agree with Fleegale and valiumSingleton have said. She sounds a good friend and sometimes everyone says things that come out 'wrong'

It is an incredibly tough time and tbh I think you may (understandibly) be a bit hypersensitve. I'm sure I would be too.

You say she is a good friend. In that case talk to her. Bring it up about the comment on facebook and say it is hard to deal with at the moment.

If I had seen the comment as a stranger I would probably think about the circle of life and how everything keeps moving and tbh I would have only given a little thought to all the emotions and feelings to all the people involved. However now I have thought about it I think it's too soon for you to see the bigger picture and realize it wasn't meant hurtful.

I hope your memorial goes well and I hope I'm not being tactless to say enjoy yourself, have a laugh,smile, be happy, talk about your OH, celebrate his life and yours.

Let us know how it goes

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