Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to feel a bit 'salt-in-the-wound' about this?

67 replies

ArsMamatoria · 20/07/2010 22:32

More importantly, how should I deal with it?

It's nearly a year since my OH died. I've posted on Facebook details of a memorial run/walk in his name. A few of my friends have posted comments, mostly just saying things like 'I'll be there.'

One (good) friend however, has posted a comment saying that she and her husband will be there and what could be a better way to celebrate their first wedding anniversary.

In mitigation I had sent her a (private) message saying I would understand if she couldn't make it, so her comment on my status was absolutely meant as a gesture of support and should be taken to mean that she's prioritising supporting me. I am very grateful to have my lovely friends.

And yet, and yet...

Seeing it there on my profile, the juxtaposition of my lost love and happiness with the start of hers... well, honestly, it was a real kick in the gut and I get that sinking feeling every time I see it.

I can't remove it - that would be incredibly rude. Or should I? If you saw this would you think 'Wow, that's thoughtless'? In which case, should I remove the whole thing and re-post the link, in order not to embarrass her?

Then there's the matter of the day of the run itself. A year previously - the day of their wedding - I was trying to write a speech and find a maternity dress for OH's memorial. I'm dreading the hand-holding and unconscious gestures of affection.

Obviously I am all over the place at the moment and my sense of perspective is not what it usually is.

Your thoughts would be appreciated but please be gentle.

OP posts:

valiumSingleton · 21/07/2010 18:20

Disagree with me by all means, but I make no apology for offering up another perspective.

By the way, did your DS1 realise it was his first birthday? Because most men would be aware that it was their first wedding anniversary. Hence, the OP would feel torn.

And what is the alternative to her feeling torn? Is it better? Is it that she was deliberately careless with her choice of words? Is the OP's friend resentful? Are any of these alternatives more likely, when you don't know the OP's friend.

TotalChaos · 21/07/2010 18:39

oh dear, yanbu to find it upsetting, but sounds like it just came out badly, however well meaning it was. I agree with saintlydame - if you can bump the comments so the remark vanishes that might be best.

upahill · 21/07/2010 20:23

FGS Valium please read my post properly if you are going to have a reply.

It wasn't DS 1st birthday it was his 8th. I didn't comment on his age. So yes he was more than aware it was his birthday. We just shuffled things up and everybody was happy (As happy as you can be when having chemo anyway)

By the way Dh didn't remember it was our 1st anniversay until the day was nearly over and I had to think twice when he mentioned it. I have stated in other posts our wedding aniversay is not a big deal to us as such. We make a big fuss over birthdays and Christmas.

Not sure why you gave me the 'no comment' biscuit and then decided to comment. I haven't said anything mean to you or made any snide comments to you at all.

There is still no evidence that said friend is torn just because the date clashes with an anniversary. It is an event that everyone can take part in, enjoy and celebrate the life of a friend who is no longer here.

DetectivePotato · 21/07/2010 20:28

That was really thoughtless of her and I don't really understand why she would say that its a good way for her to spend her anniversary? Surely its not a good way to spend an anniversary?

To me it sounds sarcastic but I very much doubt that someone could be that insensive to a friend and I don't think thats what she meant. I just don't really understand it.

I would delete and say it provoked too many emotions in you every time you saw it. Thats not an unreasonable thing to say.

valiumSingleton · 21/07/2010 20:33

oh please, can you stop picking over my posts?. You said you'd have to agree to disagree with me, so ...start now??

I offered up another perspective, I think that might be useful.

It was 2blessed2bstressed who made the snide comment. "I'm really glad you weren't one of my 'supportive friends". Totally immature remark. Anybody can type 100 wpm on mn about the endless excellent support they would give to a friend 24/7 for a year. But it is easier to type than it is to offer.

upahill · 21/07/2010 20:34

Flippin Heck what do people do on anniversaries that they can't go for a walk and still do something special if they want to make a deal out of it?

If you were going away for overnight/ the weekend what ever you would say you were not available. If you already made plans you would say you were not available. If you were free in the presumably afternoon you would go for a walk and then go and do whatever you wanted to do.

I don't get the sarcasim bit.

ramade · 21/07/2010 20:51

Yep I thought "wow that was thoughtless". I don't think confront her with it. Do you really need extra issues to deal with at this difficult time.

Some people like to 'celebrate a life' instead of grieving. Maybe that was what she thought you were doing (clutching at straws here). I'm still cringing at the tactless guesture, all I can say is try to focus on the warmth she was trying to send.

I think it's a good idea to warn her (and anybody else) that you might be sensitive on the day.

sorry for your loss ArsMamatoria, love and warmth from the Mumsnet community x

upahill · 21/07/2010 21:14

Valium.. you want me to put up with a comment that was not correct and alters the perspective of the posts because you couldn't be arsed to read mine correctly? OK so now you want me to stop picking over your posts. Am I just supposed to put up with it when you asked me a question.' By the way, did your DS1 realise it was his first birthday?' Did you not want an answer?

All I was doing was correcting your glaringly obvious error and assumptions and answering your question that was directed at me

I agree with your comment about typed words being easier to do than it is to offer.

In my case and I'm certainly not saying in everybody elses I promised my friend I would be there when ever she needed me. I stayed true to that and have walked out of work, changed birthday plans, cancelled nights out with other friends and even postponed a weekend away with DH to fulfil that promise.

I'm not doing anything great, just following through my promise. It hasn't been easy, like you said it is easy to declare support but I remember that she is the one suffering.

Original poster

ArsMamatoria · 21/07/2010 21:42

Some background that might help - sorry I should have been clearer in the OP:

She initially emailed me to ask the date of the run. I replied with the (significant) date, saying that I would totally understand if she had made other plans for that day. She replied saying that they were doing their going out the night before and of course they'd be there for the run - or walk in their case (jolly good of them too, on a hangover). These were all private messages. Then, in addition, there was the public post referred to earlier.

So, it was a totally well-meaning comment. She's a lovely friend who would not think of using this kind of format to remind me of the sacrifice. She wouldn't see it as a sacrifice.

So my feelings about it were complicated. I think I am probably being kind of U to get upset about it, but also feel that it's probably normal given my circumstances.

I also worry about how it looks to other people out of the context of our private messages, which is why I was considering removing it. (I'm also aware that my feelings have changed slightly since my OP!)

valium - you're right, it is exhausting being supportive. Never knowing what the right thing to do or say is, always seeming to get it wrong. I know others in similar situations and even so find it a minefield. Everybody needs different things and often I have no idea what I want people to say or do.
The friend in question has called every so often and left a message, or has emailed me, sent my DD presents on her birthday. I tend to fester away by myself or with his family and have never felt able to take people up on the 'call any time' thing. I know they mean it, up to a point anyway, but I can never seem to get past simply raging/collapsing/resenting away at home. Hence the posts on MN, I suppose. So I doubt she'd be feeling 'God, just give me a break already, I've been on the phone to you all hours this year' - or I hope not!

Hmm, rambling now, aren't I? So I suppose I feel bad for myself and bad for her and it all boils down to just wishing more than anything that time wasn't rolling on and leaving our relationship behind. One day these new marriages are going to have gone on longer than our 11 years together and then I'll feel really miserable and bitter.

Thanks for the warm wishes. They really do mean a lot, especially when I'm feeling nihilistic. Sorry to post in AIBU, but it has helped me get a bit of perspective.

Also,

OP posts:

Original poster

ArsMamatoria · 21/07/2010 21:43

And upahill, I think you sound like a truly tremendous friend. A real diamond.

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 21/07/2010 21:45

the full stop is bumping the thread to get it into active conversations again.

Original poster

ArsMamatoria · 21/07/2010 21:48

Ah, thanks. In that case, thanks DuncanDisorderly!

OP posts:

Habbibu · 21/07/2010 22:26

"So I suppose I feel bad for myself and bad for her and it all boils down to just wishing more than anything that time wasn't rolling on and leaving our relationship behind. One day these new marriages are going to have gone on longer than our 11 years together and then I'll feel really miserable and bitter."

I know you think you'll feel like that, because it's just so hard to imagine feeling any different - and, i think, not wanting to feel different in a way, becuase it kind of feels disloyal, but you will find more peace, and a place to put your pain and sadness so that it doesn't overwhelm you so much. But other people's lives moving on does seem so cruel, I know.

Original poster

ArsMamatoria · 21/07/2010 23:20

"not wanting to feel different"

Exactly, Habbibu - it would seem to diminish the loss.

I'm like dog with a bone, guarding our relationship with raised hackles, as if one day people might think it short and therefore not as significant as theirs.

Silly, petty. But true.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 22/07/2010 00:29

It's not silly and it's not petty - you don't want your relationship (or your loss) diminished and my heart is breaking for you. I can feel your pain from here. I wish there was something that I could say that would take it away for you, but sadly - from experience - I know there isn't.

They say that 'Time Heals' but it's so hard to see how and I agree that you don't want to feel differently because then you feel disloyal... it's all so, so bloody hard & horrible and unfair....

Habbibu · 22/07/2010 15:00

A year is a short and painfully significant time in grief, ArsM. None of what you are feeling and doing is silly and petty - it's normal, it's natural, and it's probably what you need to do to deal with the pain.

zeno · 22/07/2010 15:40

I have found with friends that it's OK to say openly when something they have done/said has inadvertently caused me pain.

Many have said they find it helpful to know more about what is upsetting, so that they are then able to speak without walking eggshells around me.

Yanbu, the salt-in-wound feeling is horrid. I asked some friends the other day to please not discuss their children's carnival outfits with me around as it was just too ouchy. The convo had started more generally which was fine, but when it became more specific I had to let them know it was getting too much for me to cope with - and how are they supposed to know if I don't tell them? I very much doubt your friend will be offended at all if you explain the ouch.

Flip

1 2 3