Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to feel a bit 'salt-in-the-wound' about this?

67 replies

ArsMamatoria · 20/07/2010 22:32

More importantly, how should I deal with it?

It's nearly a year since my OH died. I've posted on Facebook details of a memorial run/walk in his name. A few of my friends have posted comments, mostly just saying things like 'I'll be there.'

One (good) friend however, has posted a comment saying that she and her husband will be there and what could be a better way to celebrate their first wedding anniversary.

In mitigation I had sent her a (private) message saying I would understand if she couldn't make it, so her comment on my status was absolutely meant as a gesture of support and should be taken to mean that she's prioritising supporting me. I am very grateful to have my lovely friends.

And yet, and yet...

Seeing it there on my profile, the juxtaposition of my lost love and happiness with the start of hers... well, honestly, it was a real kick in the gut and I get that sinking feeling every time I see it.

I can't remove it - that would be incredibly rude. Or should I? If you saw this would you think 'Wow, that's thoughtless'? In which case, should I remove the whole thing and re-post the link, in order not to embarrass her?

Then there's the matter of the day of the run itself. A year previously - the day of their wedding - I was trying to write a speech and find a maternity dress for OH's memorial. I'm dreading the hand-holding and unconscious gestures of affection.

Obviously I am all over the place at the moment and my sense of perspective is not what it usually is.

Your thoughts would be appreciated but please be gentle.

OP posts:

ThatDamnDog · 21/07/2010 10:00

I can absolutely understand the spirit in which your friend wrote the comment, and I can't imagine she's given a thought to how it appears to others who read the thread. Were I in her shoes I would be horrified to realise how insensitive I'd been and would really appreciate a message letting me know how it could be construed.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest - you are being understandably sensitive in a time of sadness and pain.

A short email or message saying "Thanks so much for your support re the memorial run, but would you mind deleting the bit about the wedding anniversary. It's a bit of a sensitive thing for me just now, I hope you understand." would cover it, I think. A good friend would want to know how it had made you feel. The important thing here is your feelings, not her potential embarrassment at realising she's hurt them.

So sorry for your loss. I am sure the run will be a great day where you can share happy memories

valiumSingleton · 21/07/2010 10:35

Maybe she feels torn. She doesn't want to let you down, but in her eyes, a year has passed since in which she feels she has been supportive, and now you still want her on the first anniversary of her wedding.

I think she wants to be there for you, but she's torn, she also wants to enjoy her wedding anniversary without feeling guilty. so she's going to be with YOU, but wants you be aware that she is making a sacrifice.

Habbibu · 21/07/2010 10:36

God, I hope not, valium. That'd be a bit mean, surely?

mayorquimby · 21/07/2010 10:40

I can see what she was trying to say and I can see how you could interpret it the way you have.
I'd e-mail her and just let her know you're removing it because it has upset you even though you are certain it is unintentional.

upahill · 21/07/2010 10:46

Valium I really don't think that would be the case. A fun walk or memorial would only be for a couple of hours anyway.

What's all this about emailing her and tell how you feel? If the women in question is such a friend what is wrong with face to face or picking up a phone.

After all it is due to computer based conversation that has caused this upset.

valiumSingleton · 21/07/2010 10:52

Upahill, I don't think either of us know how the OP's friend feels. Just pointing out that it is possible that she feels torn. She wants to help her friend, and isnt going to let her down but ....... supportive somebody, even somebody you love for a year is emotionally draining, and maybe she would have liked one day of not supporting anybody, just celebrating the first year of her own marriage. It doesn't make her a bad friend. It doesn't mean that the OP is 'asking too much' or being U. It just means that the friend is human.

upahill · 21/07/2010 11:01

Fair enough but I think your post just puts fuel on the fire for the upset that the OP is already feeling and comes across as a bit mean spirited and unnecessary. Your first post was up lifting and then the one we are talking about now has put a downer on it.

upahill · 21/07/2010 11:03

I meant to add from your first post where you wrote

''wow, would you have spent your first anniversary this way?!

SEriously, would you?''

My response would be damm right I would and I would be getting DH to join me as well.

Wouldn't you do that for your friend?

valiumSingleton · 21/07/2010 11:14

I have supported a friend ........... and there were special days that were personal to me, or there were days when I needed a break to be able to carry on doing it.

My friends have supported me through something as well, but I would never want to risk trying to pitt days against each other, in some sort of hierarchy. eg, the anniversary of my husband's death trumps your wedding anniversary, because mine is a painful day and yours is a happy day. If you value the person at the centre of the friendship, you have to acknowledge that they have their own special days. it's not their 'job' to support you. It's wonderful that they do, but don't ever forget that they are a person with their own life.

I think my attitude is why I'm still friends with the people who supported me through crises and vice versa. We didn't 'burn each other out'.

upahill · 21/07/2010 11:24

But the Op hasn't put any pressure on her friend. It was a facebook invitation and the friend responded and sounded really positive about it.''what could be a better way to celebrate their first wedding anniversary''
If she had plans to do something special I would guess she would have sent something back like 'Oh what a wonderful thing. I'm really sorry I can't make it but I'll be thinking of you. Make sure you post losts of pictures and have a good day think about your DH!'

swanandduck · 21/07/2010 11:33

I'm sure she meant what better way to spend her anniversary. I certainly wouldn't say anything to her. I realise you're feeling sad and sensitive about this, but it's obvious she meant no offence.

valiumSingleton · 21/07/2010 11:33

I don't think she has to say anything. The friend still feels torn, which was my original point about three posts back.

swanandduck · 21/07/2010 11:38

I wasn't talking about your post valium.

upahill · 21/07/2010 11:40

There is no indication that the friend feels torn. She has stated that her and her DH will be there and what could be a better way to celebrate their first wedding anniversary.

There is no doubt or any mixed feelings coming across. She seems quie catagorical that she wants to be at the event.

You don't KNOW that she feels torn. Like you said in your posts none of us KNOW the friend. All we are doing is summising from the info that the OP gave us. The friend sounded positive imo.

Lemonylemon · 21/07/2010 11:51

Hmm, ArsMamatoria I'm a couple of years further along than you (as you know) and lost my OH while I was pregnant too (as I know you did). I'll just say that the first anniversary is THE most painful one. Your whole year has been filled with a raft of "this time last year". The lead-up to the first anniversary usually tends to be a whole lot worse than the day itself.

I think your good friend has tried to be supportive, but it's come out all wrong. I know exactly what you mean by "salt in the wound". Her comment was very awkwardly worded. I take her message to read that they'd love to spend the day remembering your OH in an atmosphere which will be joyous. I don't think she's torn.

But it's difficult. You will be surrounded by people who love you, and want to help you over this hurdle.

PlumBumMum · 21/07/2010 11:51

I read it thinking the friend mean't it is a good way to spend her anniversary as a reminder that we don't all get to live happily married forever,
some people get it snatched away from them,

Agree celebrate is bad choice of word

SloanyPony · 21/07/2010 12:00

She's probably sitting there thinking...oh fuck, maybe that reads wrong. Should I delete it. No, better not. She would have seen it anyway. Oh. Maybe I should. Maybe I should reword it. Oh no.

Etc

I'm sure she'd forgive you if you couldn't leave it there.

Sorry for your loss.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 21/07/2010 12:04

But, valium, I think the key point is that this was written in response to AM's message (as she says in the OP, "I had sent her a (private) message saying I would understand if she couldn't make it").

If someone says "I know this is your first wedding anniversary; please don't think you need to come to this memorial when you should be celebrating." then a response of (effectively) "No, of course we'll be there, what better way is there for us to celebrate than spending time with people we both love remembering other people we both love" doesn't imply any degree of feeling "torn".

encyclogirl · 21/07/2010 12:17

Ars, firstly I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the bone shaking pain of losing my partner in life. My heart truly goes out to you.

I am currently supporting a friend through the recent suicide of her dh. She also has two young children. I find it completely impossible to put myself in her shoes, so I don't try, but I do expect her to read a situation or conversation completely differently to how I intended it. It happens a lot actually, and she pulls me up everytime I get it wrong. So what, I deal with it. She's the one dealing with horrendous loss, not me. She's allowed to walk around minus about 7 layers of skin you know?

Your friend is a good friend, she clearly meant that she would spend her special day celebrating the life of your dh, but she really ballsed up the message.

If I did this with my friend I would get told about it, but then she would finish with, "Look I know you really meant the best, but you have to understand how badly that comment affected me." We've had a few convos like that actually.

ChippingIn · 21/07/2010 12:18

arsMamatoria - I can see why you feel it's like salt in a wound, she has worded her reply badly, it would have been much better if she had said something along the lines of 'We will be there, we want to spend the day with you' you would have a totally different feeling about it - it's what she meant, but she put it badly. If it's upsetting you, just remove it - she'll understand.

FWIW - I don't agree with ValiumSingleton at all, not one bit. Your friend does not seem torn at all nor like she resents being there.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it's not fair that good people sometimes die long before they should... I am very impressed that you have organised this run/walk in his name.

I, like LemonyLemon, am worse during the 'build up' to things like this and cope far better on the day than I think I will - I really hope you find the same.

All the best x

upahill · 21/07/2010 12:38

ArsMamatoria. Let us know how the day goes.

Hope it is fun!

2babyblues · 21/07/2010 12:41

I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I agree with ChippingIn above, I think the wording was bad but she was just trying to highlight how important it is for them to be with you. She may feel bad how it looks on facebook as well. If it was me I would probably take it for what it is just bad wording as you know in your heart her real meaning. She sounds like a good friend and she would be mortified if she knew what hurt her comments have caused. All the best for the day. xxxx

2blessed2bstressed · 21/07/2010 13:14

So so sorry for your loss - I'm further down the road than you,but yes, the first year is the worst, especially all the "special" days. I think ProfLeighton said it best, and I'm certain your friend would be horrified to think that you felt salt was being rubbed into your wounds by her comments.
p.s. Valiumsingleton - really glad you weren't one of my "supportive" friends

valiumSingleton · 21/07/2010 14:34

think a few people are kind of missing the wood for the trees here.

It's not easy to be a good supportive friend. You need to have your own internal resources apart from anything else.

Despite the OP's private email, her friend may not have felt she could say, ok, thanks, actually, I'm going to take you up on that and I'm not going to be there on your important day.

She obviously is torn, as she's going to be there, despite having let slip (intentionally or otherwise) that she has her own special day that date. Definitely torn. Doesn't want to let her friend down, even though she's been given 'permission'. She may feel that that's just a game of chess, and that the next move is for her to say "oh no of course not".

2blessed2bestressed, the friends I have supported over the years returned the favour for me when my shit hit the fan. So, I think I can be happy that I have close friends who will support me and vice versa.

ON MN, there is a real habit of racing to agree with the oP, and not only that but making snide comments (such as 'really glad you weren't one of my friends" to somebody who just offers up another perspective.

The OP did ask a question. "am I being unreasonable?". I answered. I don't think she's being unreasonable, but it's important to remember that close friends don't always feel that they can say no.

upahill · 21/07/2010 15:06

I'm afraid valium.. I'm going to have to agree to disagree with you on this one

In your earlier posts you said that neither of us knew the friend. Correct. Therefore you can't know that she is torn for 100% certain more than I can say she is not.
However just because it is an important day to the friend doesn't mean that she and her DH don't want to get involved.

So what if she said it was her anniversary.
My friend told me she wanted me to go to her first chemotherpy session at Preston. I said of course, oh it's DS1 birthday on that day. I wasn't torn. I was supportive and went and still had a birthday party. My friend would have been heartbroken if she posted an AIBU here saying 'I want my friend to come to my first chemo because I'm terrified but it is her sons birthday' and she got comments saying that I was torn because I'd mentioned something else was happening that day as well.

There is no evidence in the post to suggest that the friend is torn.
Like I said earlier she is very positive about it and getting her DH roped into the day.

Flip

1 2 3