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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my friend is going to make her DD terrified?

109 replies

DetectivePotato · 19/07/2010 19:46

A friend of mine used to use cats to scare her DD into doing something. Her DD was afarid of them so if she got too far away or something, my friend would say "the cat is going to get you" and her DD would run back looking terrified.

Her DD has got over the fear of cats so now my friend is using 'George'. It is a bloke they saw at a garage and her DD was afraid of him. Now my friend says "George is coming to get you" and her DD runs looking terrified.

To me, she is going to make her DD terrified of men at this rate.

OP posts:
peeringintothevoid · 19/07/2010 21:49

I realise that, Morloth - my point was that things which seem utterly unacceptable to us now, were commonplace a generation ago, and not seen as abusive. I just feel that things have to be viewed in the context of their time.

MarineIguana · 19/07/2010 21:50

I can't believe she's doing this to a tiny 2yo - how terrifying! Not acceptable anyway, but that's just heartless. At least a 6 or 7yo could work out that she was kidding.

And what happens when the poor DD meets someone else called George?!

You need to tell her she will damage her DD - or maybe when she does it, tell the DD then and there that it's not really true, just a silly joke.

Fruitysunshine · 19/07/2010 21:52

It was emotional abuse then and is emotional abuse now. The fact there were not laws in place when I was a child to protect us from it does not make it right, with or without the physical abuse.

mumof2children · 19/07/2010 21:53

just out of intrest, my cousion use to threaten her daughter with an imaginary monster she made up...would you say that was acceptable or not.

to me it's never acceptable to threaten a child by what they are scared off.

pigletmania · 19/07/2010 21:54

Oh no CheerfulYank that's awful, the poor children will grow up to be scared of everything! I think that its called paranoia

Fruitysunshine · 19/07/2010 21:57

Cheerful Yank - that's future therapy sessions in the making there!

MarineIguana · 19/07/2010 21:59

I do sometimes tell 5yo DS we'll have to go to the doctor / hospital if he isn't careful (eg when warning him not to touch broken glass or something like that) - but not in a way that's meant to terrify him and control him, more a matter-of-fact, oh it will be painful and a hassle if you cut yourself so don't touch, that kind of thing. I might also threaten him with a monster but that would be a joke and he would definitely know it was and laugh.

So I think a lot depends on tone and context. But if the child is really frightened, it's not on.

Morloth · 19/07/2010 21:59

Nope, am pretty sure my mother would be horrified by that as well and my eldest sister is 50 and my younger brother 27.

Mothers know the power they have over their children, you are their God in the early years. You don't need a law or education to realise that you will break their little hearts by pretending to send them away.

They may not have had the same vocabulary for this stuff that we have now, but the actions were the same, with the same repercussions.

CaptainKirksNipples · 19/07/2010 22:07

Just remembered I have Santa's number on speed dial on my mobile, that came in handy the last few weeks of December, that ok isn't it

monkeyfacegrace · 19/07/2010 22:09

God Im worried now. If my daughters lagging behind (shes 3), I say, ahh no, theres a gruffalo coming, and she runs to me looking terrified then we have a good giggle and say just pretending.

CheerfulYank · 19/07/2010 22:09

oh I know, it's horrible! And my BIL is a real bastard "macho" type of guy and he always talks about his son being a "wuss". I always defend him but it's very hard not to yell "Well tell your wife to stop frightening him about everything under the sun, then!" The worst of it was when he talked about my son becoming "girly" or "wussy" because I enrolled him in gymnastics. While we were having this discussion (ie I was hissing at him that my son's activities were absolutely none of his business) his son ran over screaming hysterically (literally)because there was a frog in the yard.

I almost bit my tongue off trying not to point out the irony.

CheerfulYank · 19/07/2010 22:11

Oh that's different, monkeyface. As long as she's not actually afraid I don't think it's a problem.

sleepingsowell · 19/07/2010 22:12

Threatening children in the ways described on this thread is emotionally abusive pure and simple

and to answer the OP, I think you need to speak up to this 'friend' in order to protect her daughter. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't say something - it's not your fault she's using such crap lazy emotionally abusive methods; but you do have the choice whether to allow her to go on unchallenged imo. Poor kid.

Fruitysunshine · 19/07/2010 22:13

Flippin' 'eck Cheerful!

I think the threat of being permanently separated from the mum is where the worst fear is created. Almost like they believe you don't want them - i.e sending you off to the social services place, or the man is going to come and get you, all that kind of dark stuff.

CheerfulYank · 19/07/2010 22:17

I know!! I'm often a no-show at family functions...

Fruitysunshine · 19/07/2010 22:19

I am not surprised - it is difficult to sit in group situations and witness appalling behaviour which is minimised or explained away..

Angelmich · 19/07/2010 22:37

Why on earth would you want to scare your child? Surelyas parents, we should be the ones protecting them from their fears, not inducing them!

I sat aghast in the health centre waiting room the other day as a women told her son (who was playing at the sink - which doesn't work but smells like sewerge!!) to hurry, because if he didn't stop playing there the big spider that was in the plug would get him - quick, quick , he's coming!!!!! B**tch was all I could think....

thefirstmrsDeVere · 19/07/2010 22:55

Bloody hell! I thought this sort of thing had fallen out of favour years ago.

It was commonplace when I was a kid.

We were told almost daily we were going to be sent to boarding school (until I started reading Mallory Towers and it didnt work anymore).

I remember it still being used a fair bit when my teenagers were little. Havent heard it for years though.

Why would you? It may work for a little while but surely it just makes everything harder in the long run? A nervy, frightened child is a challenging one.

Stupid woman.

I go out of my way to discourage fear in my DCs. Sometimes its hard if you are scared of things yourself but I really dont want them to be afraid of spiders, frogs etc.

NeedCoffee · 19/07/2010 23:00

Hmmm I think it's difficult to judge and does depend on what context is used-If it's used to actually put fear into the child then of course it is wrong, but if it is used as a kind of encouragement, then I think it's ok.

My mum used to threaten me with all sorts when I was little, it was worse when she did it when I was a teenager though-made me feel really unloved.

I do sometimes say that dd2 will go to dogs home if she doesn't behave, but she was never scared-more in awe-it was kind of in a jokey way and she then decided she'd quite like to go to dogs home so that didn't work as encouragement any more

mumeeee · 19/07/2010 23:18

That is awful and a really stupid thing to do to any child let alone one who is only just 2. She would be in trouble with the social services if they found out.

proudnsad · 19/07/2010 23:29

Just checking that saying 'the lady/man will tell you off' is not the same?! (You know, said in shops etc, a vague sort of someone in authority will have words if you don't stop shouting/hitting?!). Worried now...

Really really upsetting some of these posts. OP do you think you could say something, I know its hard...but it's so damaging to the child.

ThePinkOne · 19/07/2010 23:42

This has reminded me that when DD was tiny (or possibly not even born) DH 'joked' that if our children misbehaved he would say that (I think it was) the police would take them away. I was a bit when he said it but after thinking about it for a while I brought it up again, in floods of tears (hormones!) and said there would be serious words if he ever told my children that anyone would take them away from us.

They have to be able to trust you.

OTOH DD and I ran home the other day squealing with delight that there was a great big dinosaur chasing us!!

ThePinkOne · 19/07/2010 23:44

proudandsad I think that's ok. The shop staff (for example) do have the authority to do that, and will only tell them off, not throw them in jail!!

I think truth is the main thing for me. Threats that you can't carry out or can't happen are just pointless IMO.

CheerfulYank · 20/07/2010 01:36

I agree with pinkone. I've said "The librarian will ask us to leave if you don't stop shouting," a few times, because it's true.

I think the other side of it is when parents use "the doctor says, the policeman says," etc, even if they're not scaring their children, it takes the authority away from the parents themselves. The SIL I mentioned in my above posts also has a "juice lady". As in, "the juice lady said you've had enough juice for today." I think that's, well first of all very very odd, but also bad because in this case, "I said no more juice and that's that," should be enough. If you have to bring outside authority into something so trivial I think it sends the message to children that you are not to be taken seriously.

Original poster
DetectivePotato · 20/07/2010 09:50

Needcoffee she doesn't use it as encouragement. She uses it to scare her DD into not going too far away from her. And you can see on her DDs face how scared she is.

I do need to say something, I know that. I just don't know what and how to say it. I'm not the most tactful or subtle of people. I was thinking about it in bed last night and it was doing my head in.

I was thinking about "I have had a lifelong fear of certain men, I wouldn't encourage it really" What do the MN jury think?

That is true btw, I have had an irrational fear of some men. It was irrational when I was younger as nothing had happened to me, but as I got older and had a few bad experiences, it just made that fear worse. It has never gone away.

OP posts: