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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends....again.

79 replies

poshsinglemum · 19/07/2010 19:07

I know I am prob being unreasonable but I need a rant.

I asked one of my best mates to babysit for me for the weekend four weeks ago in exchange for £150 which we negotiated to £180. I provided snacks. I know that this is not a huge amount of money to pay her but she gladly accepted saying that I needed a break etc.

She knows that looking after a toddler is tough as she has her own. Her dd was away that weekend so she only had my dd.

I phoned her everyday whilst away and she told me that dd had been ''a dream'' and was settling really well.

I accidentally took one of her bags away with me and in it was her swimming costume. I forgot about it and forgot to tell her as my mum has just been diagnosed with cancer and went to hospital soon after I came back for the weekend. I was upset and that's why I forgot.

We had a converation about two weeks after I came back and she mentioned taht she couldn't find a costume. I remembered I had it but couldn't remembre where I'd put it. I've literally had no time to find it with dd, no help as mum's in hospital, work etc, etc, etc. I'm also quite down.

My friend texted me today and told me she was going to buy another costume and I would have to owe her. I was unreasonable and felt that she was using me as a cash machine. She then wrote back and told me that dd had actually been ''very difficult'' when I was away and that she didn't think £180 was a lot of money especially when I hadn't provided food. (I did- she just didn't see it) I do know that dd is hard work. After all- she's two but she knew that and jumped at the chance to earn money.

Am I being unreasonable to think that she should not have lied to me about finding babysitting ''a dream'' and is mabe resentful because I had a nice weekend away. She quite rightly wants me to pay for the costume but I feel that all she cares about is cash atm when I have been worried about mum.

Moral of the story; Hire a professional to look after kids because there's always too much drama with friends and fmaily. (Sadly remembers a recent thread about the decline of the extended family.)

Now I'm a single mum I feel I've got to accept that I no longer have a social life, unreliable friends and that I don't have a huge amount of support. I resent it.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 20/07/2010 08:55

First she said she would do two nights, then she said mabe just one so I said have the 180 for a guarenteed two nights off so basically she did negiotiate/manipulate.

OP posts:
Ewe · 20/07/2010 09:02

The money isn't the issue here, OP was off to Glastonbury on a jolly, if you are a lone parent without family support then I think you do need to pay for that kinda thing. Especially if it was a rare weekend off for the friend too, it's hardly an essential trip!

Pay the money for the swimming costume, you owe your friend that much. I could quite easily see another thread being AIBU to expect my friend to return my things after I babysat for the weekend?

thehairybabysmum · 20/07/2010 09:18

Sorry, but im with oiteach, ewe and the few others who dont agree with you. You OFFERED her money whilst you went to glasto.

You have been lazy regrading the swimming costume and your friend is right to ask for the money for that as she has asked you for it back. If you have time to go to glasto you have time to spend 10 mins looking for a cozzie.

I don't think it is on for you to say your friend used you as a cash machine, no wonder your mate got shirty! I suspect she will be 'trimming' you!

thesecondcoming · 20/07/2010 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Asana · 20/07/2010 09:33

YABU regarding the swimming costume. Find it ASAP, and give it back with a sincere apology.

Now, regarding your "friend" charging you for babysitting (and charged you £180), SWBU. Seriously, as others have said, find yourself some new friends who understand that money should really not be a driver in friendships. I've agreed to have a friend's DD round for a half-day on Friday as my friend is flying out of the country for a 'do. No, I will not be charging her, and yes, I will be treating her DD to a nice toddlers day out at no cost to her parents. My husband's even taken the day off to help me out (as we don't have a double buggy for both my DS and the friend's DD). That's what a friend/friends should do.

Honestly, if you live anywhere near Croydon, get in touch! I'd happily watch your DD, even if you wanted to spend the entire free time you would get sleeping. It's so hard not having a family/friend support system in place, and I imagine it must be doubly hard when you don't have a partner who can lighten the load.

I hope you had a great time at Glasto! [V V jealous !]

kerstina · 20/07/2010 12:41

I don't agree that it is wrong to pay friends for babysitting unless it is a complete one off. I am friends with a mom who is in my sons class and she often asks me to look after him as i am a sahm. She pays me as she knows the money is really appreciated by me.
I have also babysat in the past for another friend who also paid me so that she said she could ask me again.
I would also offer to pay someone if they were babysitting for me or buy them a really nice thank you present. I think it stops any resentment if the asking is just one sided.

BusyMissIzzy · 20/07/2010 12:54

I think the babysitting and the swimming costume are separate issues. If she's having money problems then I don't think it's unreasonable for her to ask you to to pay for a replacement for the one you lost. She is being a bit bitchy about the way she's going about it, as you obviously didn't lose it on purpose and you are having family problems atm. She could stand to be more supportive and patient/forgiving under the circumstances.

And while I agree that most friends would babysit for free, you offered her cash because she needs it. Her pushing the price up from £150 to £180 is a bit much though, £150 seems more than enough to me.

Also, either she lied in the first place about your dd behaving, which is odd, or she's now backtracking to make you feel bad because she's angry about the swimming costume, which is manipulative and bitchy. In general, she doesn't sound like a very good friend.

BusyMissIzzy · 20/07/2010 12:55

P.S. Sorry to hear about your Mum, hope she's doing OK and you've got some support too.

GeekOfTheWeek · 20/07/2010 12:56

Initially i thought yanbu but I can see both sides tbh.

I wouldn't expect a plumber or electrician friend to work for nothing so the same should apply for childcare.

Re the swimsuit, i would be pretty pissed off if someone had done that to me.

lemonysweet · 20/07/2010 13:06

i cant believe you paid her £180.

she has money to buy a new costume.

i babysat my friends two year old about a month ago over the weekend, and she left £30 for treats/swimming, and bought me a big box of chocs, fudge for my girls and wine for me and DP, i thought she was way over generous.
she was going for a weekend away with her DP, they both work very hard and needed the break.

your friend is a total bitch and not a friend at all. people lose stuff. look for the suit now, and apologise. do NOT give her any more money ffs!

AuntieMaggie · 20/07/2010 13:10

OMG seriously?

I have no kids and have looked after my friends kids (3 months and 2 years) over the weekend and not accepted ANY payment! I wouldn't dream of it!

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 20/07/2010 13:54

I think the issue is that I went off and had a fantastic time. If i'd just been at home doing the cleaning it would have been different. People resent others for having too much fun; especially when one becomes a mum it seems as we are considered selfish.
I don't resent paying her in the first place; I dont resent replacing her swimming costume. i do resent the obsession with money when I'm thinking of my mum all the time. Glastonbury was my only child free time for since dd was born.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 20/07/2010 13:58

I think that £180 pounds wa sooo worth it tbh. I don't resent paying her; it's just the principle taht I saw the kerching sighns rather than a genuine desire to help a mate. And my dd is is as challenging as any other toddler; she does NOT have challenging behaviour issues. My mate has a toddler. She gets a child free evry weekend as her dd goes to dad's so she knows what they are like.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 20/07/2010 14:00

Also, the swimming costume could be at my parent's house as it was my first port of call after the festival as I wanted to see mum. I temporarily put my bags in their spare room. I didn't want to go rummaging around the house whilst mum was ill; I'd rather cough up for a new costume.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 20/07/2010 14:01

I think the phrase ''on a jolly'' is quite resntful tbh. I had a great time- so what? I wasn't going to spend my childfree weekened o mumsnet was i and knitting bunting?

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 20/07/2010 14:10

I'v e decided not to feel bad about paying for the costume. I had a fantastic weekend, I really apprechiate her helping me out, it was worth a hundred times more than £180 and it's just a mistake made at a bad time. I will not ask a mate to babysit again though as you can't just pay them off!

She's a school friend and I won't just dump her. She is very methodical with money but she has supported me in the past too.

Very interesting how the tone of this thread changed once a mentioned I'd been to glasto though! How dare I ''go on a jolly!''!

OP posts:
Headbanger · 20/07/2010 14:13

Calm down dear!

5DollarShake · 20/07/2010 14:21

I can't believe the 'off to Glasto on a jolly', and 'it's hardly an essential trip' type comments!

This is a single Mum we're talking about - who never gets time off. And her mother is really sick! A little bit of empathy and compassion wouldn't go amiss...

I honestly cannot imagine how a conversation with a friend about taking payment for babysitting would even go. And then throw her negotiating the price up into that, well...! I really can't get my head around it at all.

Posh - you are most definitely not being unreasonable.

thehairybabysmum · 20/07/2010 15:25

It's not that you went to Glasto, as yu say it is irrelevant where you went and it is great that you had a nice time. But the basic facts are you offered the money and you say it was well worth it so why accuse your friend of treating you like a cash machine. So you OFFERED then threw it in her face when she says something you dont like, yuo sound like a thoughtful friend .

re the cozzie you were totally blase regarding your friend's belongings.

Given how oversensitive you seem about this imagine your outcry if your friend had waltzed off with something of yours and not made any attempt at returning it.

FWIW i imagine she 'lied' to you about your dd being fine because she wanted you to enjoy your weekend and not worry about your dd....as a friend would.

thatsnotmymonkey · 20/07/2010 15:33

posh, I think whether you satyed at home scubbing your floor or went to London to see the Queen is neither here nor there.

Your mate is being insensitive and probably is a bit that you had such a lovely time at Glasto.

Everyone deserves a break and it is at your discretion how you spend it! I think some on here are being a wee tad judgey mcjudgey pants!

RiverOfSleep · 20/07/2010 17:06

It's nothing to do with where you went. But you've had the costume a month and haven't even looked for it. Admittedly a busy and stressful month but that's not your friends fault.

You never did say - is she a childminder?

overweightnoverdrawn · 20/07/2010 17:40

I babysat my matess three kids one of them being small . Was down to do it fir two nights but they came home late on the second day . No money was mentioned on either side and I certainly didnt expect any . I would change friends if I was you .

Ewe · 20/07/2010 23:02

I am a single parent, I also go to festivals/gigs all the time and cajole various people into babysitting for my DD, I am certainly not resenting you having a good time - we all deserve that, of course! Perhaps I'll see you at the next Glasto if I decide I can brave the toilets . I am also a big believer in free time for parents (single or not) and would never call anyone selfish for doing something for themselves, you've taken my comments quite out of context.

My point is merely that if you (or indeed, me) are planning a weekend away of fun then it's not unreasonable to expect to have to pay for that. It IS a different kettle of fish from needing childcare for work or a family emergency for example in which I would expect friends to help me out without offering them any compensation.

Money aside, she did you a favour so that you could do something really fun, which is great. The money you gave her was for the babysitting, you also picked up a swimming costume by accident which has inconvenienced her and means that she's had to buy a new one, you should give her the money for this, the fact you paid her to babysit is neither her nor there.

The thing about your DDs behaviour is most odd and personally I would question it, delicately.

aloiseb · 24/09/2010 23:03

I think some people don't know what other people's houses are like.

Only TEN MINUTES to find a missing swimming costume??? It would take me at least a week to excavate that far down....Smile

Thruaglassdarkly · 25/09/2010 00:39

Ditch her. She's toxic. How would she feel if her mum had cancer??? Do you want me to slap her for you????