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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends....again.

79 replies

poshsinglemum · 19/07/2010 19:07

I know I am prob being unreasonable but I need a rant.

I asked one of my best mates to babysit for me for the weekend four weeks ago in exchange for £150 which we negotiated to £180. I provided snacks. I know that this is not a huge amount of money to pay her but she gladly accepted saying that I needed a break etc.

She knows that looking after a toddler is tough as she has her own. Her dd was away that weekend so she only had my dd.

I phoned her everyday whilst away and she told me that dd had been ''a dream'' and was settling really well.

I accidentally took one of her bags away with me and in it was her swimming costume. I forgot about it and forgot to tell her as my mum has just been diagnosed with cancer and went to hospital soon after I came back for the weekend. I was upset and that's why I forgot.

We had a converation about two weeks after I came back and she mentioned taht she couldn't find a costume. I remembered I had it but couldn't remembre where I'd put it. I've literally had no time to find it with dd, no help as mum's in hospital, work etc, etc, etc. I'm also quite down.

My friend texted me today and told me she was going to buy another costume and I would have to owe her. I was unreasonable and felt that she was using me as a cash machine. She then wrote back and told me that dd had actually been ''very difficult'' when I was away and that she didn't think £180 was a lot of money especially when I hadn't provided food. (I did- she just didn't see it) I do know that dd is hard work. After all- she's two but she knew that and jumped at the chance to earn money.

Am I being unreasonable to think that she should not have lied to me about finding babysitting ''a dream'' and is mabe resentful because I had a nice weekend away. She quite rightly wants me to pay for the costume but I feel that all she cares about is cash atm when I have been worried about mum.

Moral of the story; Hire a professional to look after kids because there's always too much drama with friends and fmaily. (Sadly remembers a recent thread about the decline of the extended family.)

Now I'm a single mum I feel I've got to accept that I no longer have a social life, unreliable friends and that I don't have a huge amount of support. I resent it.

OP posts:

myalias · 19/07/2010 19:54

This is not a 'friend' - real friend's do not charge money to look after their friends children. I can't believe she had the audacity to charge you for the swimming costume. I take it was her idea to barter for the extra £30 Do NOT give her a penny more.

MercyMe · 19/07/2010 19:55

I can't believe that she took money for looking after your dd, that is awful. I would never ask for money when looking after mates dcs. The advice on here sounds good, give her the voucher for simming suit and bin her, you don't need people like that in your life

char3mum · 19/07/2010 19:56

YANBU, this woman is a bitch, tbh i wouldn't pay for the costume, wouldn't have any contact at all with her, this is a hassle that you don't need, esp at the moment. She is either vile or completely insensative either way you don't need her cluttering up your life. Concentrate on you and yours don't give the bitch a second thought. Good luck with your mum hun.keep in touch (been through this with my mum)

Headbanger · 19/07/2010 19:56

YADNBU.

That is all.

scottishmummy · 19/07/2010 19:57

regularly take my single friend toddler.i dont charge.she leaves spending money and thats it.is all about good will.and she needs a break.she has bought me a suprise bottle of wine etc but certainly no cash exchange

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 19/07/2010 19:57

Part of me feels that I should pay for the costume but I wont use her for childcare again. Basically I have concluded that anyone close to me who does childcare feels used, even when I pay them. When you have kids tahts it; don't expect anyone to chip in because that's the ''get on with it and pay up'' society we live in nowadays isn't it.
Oh and if the other parent fucks off then that's your fault too for being feckless and we should just shut up and get on with it. pah!

OP posts:

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 19/07/2010 20:00

Oh yes- I also bought my freind a scarf as a thank you present. Was cheap but very pretty.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 19/07/2010 20:01

stop you are ladling it on a bit too thick hen.your mate is grasping and greedy,but dont start about decline of society and blah blah

how your mum
hows you with the news

we all do a babysitting circle.no cash exchanged do leave spending money for kids though.and wee treats in fridge for baby sitter

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 19/07/2010 20:02

It wa sworth EVERY penny btw just to have a weekend to myself. Came back much refreshed.

OP posts:

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 19/07/2010 20:03

Hi- I know. I don't want to start on a proper decline of society rant! Babysitting cicles sound good but aren't they open to this petty ''youve had more fun nights out than me rubbish''?

OP posts:

ifancyashandy · 19/07/2010 20:04

YY what everyone else said (bar one .

The amount of times I have fed / looked after / bathed / comforted / put to bed friends kids and I would never expect to be paid! Blimey, I've even restocked the blardy fridge on occassion! What goes around and all that.

Get rid.

scottishmummy · 19/07/2010 20:06

you agree rules, and time duration.i know them all v well work and friends.its the way to go

RiverOfSleep · 19/07/2010 20:06

Is she a child minder? I can't imagine paying a friend to look after DC, and I often look after friends DCs and wouldn't dream of charging. But if they were a childminder I probably would pay, same as if my plumber friend does some work, or I go to my
yoga teacher friends class.

However regarding the costume, I think you should pay- you've lost it/had it ages. I know what it's like having a million and one things to do, and very sorry
to hear about your mum, so I do sympathise. But bottom line is that the costume problem is your fault and you should put it right.

RunawayWife · 19/07/2010 20:08

Bloody hell for £180 I would look after your child and not mind a missing swimsuit.

I don't think she is a very nice friend, you should have my friends as when my mum was in hospital (thank God she is ok now) but from December till March my lovely friends picked up DS2 from school, fed him looked after him this DH got home, took him to cubs/ after school clubs even did washing and cooked meals gave me lifts to and from the hospital to and from mums house, helped me get it ready for her to come home and went to visit her bringing cards and gifts with them
And you know what I would do the same and more for them because that is what true friendship is about. I am truley blessed.

If one could not do it a rota was worked out so I could spend as much time with mum as possible.

You need to find better friends

RealityKicksArse · 19/07/2010 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MudandRoses · 19/07/2010 21:44

I don't think friends who babysit for me feel 'used' - and i would NEVER consider offering to pay them. To be frank i think this is where you went wrong - offering money devalues the friendship and gives the exchange a commercial aspect which it should not need. Make friends with people who have kids the same age as yours and do swaps, so you dont feel guilty or beholden to them; and or take advantage of offers from childless friends, or family, who might actually enjoy spending time with your child! they DO exist you know! (My mum loves taking care of my DS - it's once in a blue moon (otherwise she might love it less!) and she spoils him rotten and they have a ball. )

porcamiseria · 19/07/2010 21:46

I am with oiteach

I think you offered, as you can afford it, and she accepted it

if she is really skint maybe she genuinely cant afford another costume? you know better than me

I think she is probablu just as upset as you, hence the narky answer??? not saying thats right, but when we argue we all say cruel things

I just did not automatically think "bitch" when I read this

if you want to trim her anyway, well do it. But if she is a good friend maybe see where she is coming from too?

encyclogirl · 19/07/2010 22:03

Woah, back up the truck. You offered her 1£150 and she negotiated her way up to £180??? Is that what happened?

She is a prize that one.

BrightLightBrightLight · 19/07/2010 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WinkyWinkola · 19/07/2010 22:21

Sack this friend. Oh my. She saw you coming, didn't she? She charged you that much money for looking after your dd? She's a witch. Get rid of her.

You could hire a professional nanny for the same amount.

Stay away from this woman. She's out to get whatever she can take from you.

Get better friends!

2kids2dogsandahorse · 19/07/2010 22:41

oh encyclogirl beat me to it! I can't believe she negotiated with you, just give her a voucher and dump her.

Maybe find an I've dumped you as a friend card to put it in I bet Moonpig will have something lol.

Then find that costume and burn it.

(still over her negotiating)

(can't believe a 'friend' would accept £150 for babysitting let alone want more)

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 19/07/2010 23:17

Why have you been withholding your friend's swimming costume?

Pretty passive aggressive IMO. I don't agree with most of these posts. You knew you had the swimming costume, she reminded you about it several times, you did not return it.

She doesn't see you as a cash machine. You agreed to pay for childcare as well you should have. She provided a valuable service. You took her costume and despite knowing she is skint, kept it for longer than you should have.

YABU.

SomeGuy · 20/07/2010 00:57

she's not skint, she's got £180.....

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 20/07/2010 08:51

I'm not withholding it. I genuinely can't find it. I went to Glastonbury for the weekend and packed it in my rucksack to take home but was dazed and confused when I got home so couldn't remember where I'd put it. TBh- I havn't turned the house upsidedown. Dds done that! if i knew where the bloody thing was I'd have given it back and saved this mess.

OP posts:

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 20/07/2010 08:53

BTW- I ACCIDENTALLY took the swimming costume to Glastonbury but I packed it up at the end of the festival when I left. It wasn't at all dirty. It's a well-travelled costume. When I left her house I just picked up a random bag for some reason and teh costume was in it.

OP posts:

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