In thinking she may have more control over this than she lets on?

[TheRealPerson]

Before I start, some of you will know who I am and I apologise for another post on my DSD but I was hoping for some insight into a problem she has. I'm not trolling, just looking for some advice. (I am still leaving my DP but can't just ignore what happens here until I leave).

Bacially as I have posted before, she has a problem with wetting the bed. She's 13 and has always wet the bed. Usually every night, sometimes less often but always more than twice a week.

She has been involved with doctors and the hospital who cannot find anything wrong with her.

I think I have sorted out the hygiene thing (she never used to get a shower and would go to school smelling of urine) which has changed dramatically but still she wets the bed almost everynight.

What I don't understand is, when she went on a school residential trip for a week, she didn't seem concerned at all about wetting the bed which I found odd and low and behold - she was magically dry all week.

As soon as she comes back, she wets the bed almost every night again.

Whenever she sleeps at a friends house or if a friend stays here, she's always dry and has never had an accident.

If she sleeps at a relatives house, she is always dry.

Out of curiosity once, I suggested to DP that he gives her an incentive to stay dry and so he decided to give her a chocolate bar for each night that she was dry. Needless to say, as soon as this incentive started, she was dry almost every night. When he got "Bored" of treating her everynight and stopped, she started wetting the bed again.

What really got me is that last week, DP was rushed into hospital and had to be kept in for a week. DSD was dry EVERY night that he was away (a full week) and as soon as he comes back, she starts wetting the bed again.

DP is furiously sensitive about the whole thing and won't have it said that she could be doing this on purpose. I feel bad considering the fact that she COULD have more control over it but surely if you have a genuine bladder problem, it wouldn't be such a convienient one?? The cynic in me thinks she's doing for attention or at least some of it. (She is constantly thinking up attention seeking illnesses and actually gets excited at the prospect of going to hospital with her dad).

AIBU for even thinking this? if not, what should I do because DP just won't accept any discussion of it.

Please don't accuse me of trolling, I've admitted who I am, but it doesn't make the problems from before go away. Thanks.

Well, presumably if you're in the middle of splitting from your dp she won't be your problem for much longer?

Sorry if that sounds flippant, but it is somehting to bear in mind.

It does sound, to an outsider, as though she has control over it but who knows, maybe not

I don't know who you are but the GLARING factor here seems to be your DP .... when he's there she wets the bed, when he's not (or she's elsewhere) she doesn't.

This would be ringing BIG alarm bells for me ... gut feeling is that she's scared of him. Question is - why ?

She has ASD, doesn't she? If so, she may not see the point of keeping the bed dry unless there is a 'reason' to, she is getting attention for wetting the bed, and you may have to just keep giving her solid rewards to make sure she doesn't. Instead of 'getting bored' of rewarding her, fade it very gradually, smaller and smaller chocolate bars (don't tell her you are doing this) until it's just a snack sized thing every day. You may not be able to get rid of the rewards, but it will manage the incontinence effectively, which is what you are after, yes?

No she won't be my problem for long but its so difficult to live in the same house and see things like this happening and not do anything or say anything about it.

Who deals with her wet bed? Is it you or her dad?

Suggest to your DP you get a bed alarm to help with DSDs bed wetting problems. We did with our 7 year old DD. When the alram sounded she had to get out of bed to turn off the alarm, change her pants and put a new waterproof pad in her bed. We told her she had to all this on her own. After 3 days she no longer wet the bed. Perhaps your DSD will get fed up of having to get up every night and stop wetting the bed.

No she doesn't have ASD colditz, I think you may have confused me for someone else.

She just constantly comes up with illnesses all the time. She has problems eating, she has problems drinking, she has problems with her ankle (she says before going to jump on the trampoline for half an hour). She has problems sleeping, she has social phobia (despite desperately auditioning for every main part in the plays at drama/school and performing at the local theatre, going to parties, out shopping etc) and she has this bed wetting problem which also seems to only happen when it suits.

I have also wondered if DP is a factor in this. I'm torn between thinking she does it for his attention (she does a lot of strange things for his attention) or if there is something else going on. I just don't know what to think.

The whole family is wierd but I can't just ignore her, even though I know I have no intentions of staying.

Sorry, I have confused you with someone else.

In that case, I would definitely say it is for attention from her father. Her whole behavior pattern is desperately seeking attention, concern, and care. She wants to be looked after.

Combined with the poor hygiene, and the bed wetting, and the eating problems, I would think on inappropriate levels of contact with the people in her life. She's showing classic signs of sexual abuse and you cannot ignore this or you are complicit. The fact that this behavior is coming oiut only when her father is around is rather frightening.

Read this and think about how it might apply to your situation

I agree Eleanor but what I can't understand is, if he was hurting her in any way, why would she be so desperate for his attention? why does she cling to him like a much younger child? Why does she make excuses for him to go into her room? Why does she do everything she can to be alone with him?

She loved it when me and the boys go out and leave them in or their own. I often come home to find her snuggled up to him on the sofa.

Why would she do this if there was anything going on?

And wouldn't I know? I know that may sound naive but it's rare they're alone together.

You sound judgmental towards, rather than concerned about, this disturbed child.

I guess you are at the end of your tether with the lot of them?

It will probably be best for all of you when you split up.

this bit from colditz link

""Abused children often suffer a misplaced sense of loyalty to their abuser who assures them that the abusive acts are their special secret. Ambivalence is one of the more subtle signs of sexual abuse. The affected teenager will probably feel both repulsed and sexually aroused. He or she will not know what to do with this paradoxical feeling where feeling good also intensifies feelings of guilt and shame.

Abuse often starts before the child enters the teenage years with the perpetrator assuring them that he or she is special because of his attentions. Once again shame and glory are intermingled in the child's vulnerable mind"".

is EXACTLY what springs immediately to my mind

alarm bells ringing all over the place here OP I am afraid

TRP - because she is a child, and her father is the only constant in her life. You can kick a dog half to death but it will still follow you. Children, heartbreakingly, are the same.

Poor kid

I think it sounds very odd and a bit worrying.

Colditz a lot of that fits in, yes.
Another thing (as mentioned in the link) is the way she walks around. Her skirts have become shorter and shorter to the point where she is simply wearing long tops as dresses. She is parading around in very provokative clothing but seemingly only when he is around.

Last week she came home from school with a ladder in her school tights. She then went upstairs and mutilated the tights, came down in a tiny, tiny mini skirt, horribly ripped tights and a t-shirt tied up in the middle. She honestly looked like a stereotype prositute. DP just laughed and said "you look awful!"

Just think about how naive a 13 year old girl is. I was still naive at 17, and I wasn't the mnost naive 17 year old.

If a teenaged girl is being sexually abused, for all she knows, it's her fault. For all she knows, that's what love is. For all she knows, it happens to everyone and we just don't mention it because it's so normal.

She has tried being filthy. She has tried having an eating disorder. She tries to make her bed as unwelcoming as possible. And all the time, he behavior is screaming "I'm a child, treat me like a child, I'm only a child, you're supposed to look after me...."

What more can she do? She's done everything a child would do to attempt to stop herself being abused - and again, i will reiterate, that I cannot know that she is being abused at all - but you have to remember that she is a child.

Are you seriously telling me that you live with this child and you've been oblivious?

I dont blame you for being worried, something is not right. Look you CANT fox this right now. focus on your needs but in parallel speak to NSPCC and get advice

I dont think MN can really help you TBH

I agree 100% with colditz, and I have, sadly, taught abused children

there is something very very worrying about her relationship with her dad. It MIGHT not be abuse it might just be attention seeking on her part, but it is very very alarming when you look at the facts of what you are saying - try to look on it as someone else posting this OP, remove the personal element of KNOWING the people invloved - what would you think then?

OFTEN in family abuse cases, others in the home have had NO IDEA what was going on right under their noses

To be honest Colditz, the entire family is wierd as hell. I once got on her mobile phone and found texts from her mother going on about how men use you for sex and how she uses men for sex to make it fair and to make sure she keeps condoms on her - she was 11 at the time. I told DP who shrugged his shoulders and said "yeah, she's like that, she's wierd". So much wierd shit goes on here with her psycho mother and wierd DP and her own strange behaviour that I've started to wonder if I'M the wierd one. You won't understand. People think I exagurate about it but I have honestly never met such strange people in all my life.

Her mother for instance, right now is posting all over facebook about wanting to marry a man - she's never even met.

She got some internet relationship going with a man who promised her a trip to alton towers with DSD, a holiday in florida, driving lessons and a brand new car AND a house. She believed him - even though she'd turned up to meet him 3 times and he didn't turn up on any of them. SHE STILL BELIEVES HIM. DSD has had the influence of her nutty mother, her strange father - forgive me for thinking she's just a product of her upbringing. I think I'd act strange if I'd had the same influences as her.

No I wasn't oblivious to her strange behaviour but of course I never assumed he was sexually abusing her. If I had, I would have done something about it.

The whole lot of them are wierd. Any wierd behaviour that goes on, I put down to it just being "them". so yes, maybe I missed the obvious signs.

I also immediately thought sexual abuse, and with the poor hygiene I wonder if this was used a way to repel her abuser? A cousin of mine was abused, so we think, and she was very very unclean and rarely washed. The fact she has no self esteem and thinks she can't be bothered to wash in addition to bed wetting. I would be calling the SS.

Can you elaborate a little about why you and your DP are splitting up?

So.... what are you going to do?

Reading on about inappropriately sexualised dress sense is a classic sign too.

TRP - when you used to post before, my first thoughts about your DSD were sexual abuse by her father. And I'm not someone who goes round jumping to that conclusion. I really think you need to tell someone - NSPCC, Childline, SS, someone who knows about this stuff and can give you proper advice.

As others have said, her behaviour does fit with that possibility, and her mother's behaviour would make it seem more "normal" to her than it would to most children which would increase the risk.

Of course it might be something else, but I don't think you should ignore the possibility. There's a limit to what you can do yourself to help her, you need to involve people who have the knowledge and power to investigate and do something to help.