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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure what to make of this..

86 replies

chickenlittlee · 18/07/2010 21:12

DH who never seemed to have had a problem with my weight, called me a 'fat blob' today - 'I don't want to see a fat blob lying down in front of me, go to the other
room now'. I was doing something on the laptop in the spare room, that's about it. Nothing said or done to invite this. I have given birth recently and have been trying to shift the weight since then. I'm hurt, upset and angry as I have been trying to deal with his temper/rudeness for quite sometime now, but have always forgiven him and gotten on with my life - yeah, what a fool I have been. But never in the past has he made a comment like that. AIBU to feel offended and hurt?

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 21/07/2010 07:51

those are great kayah

SweetGrapes · 21/07/2010 08:10

I have a friend in your kind of situation - not exactly the same but similar. (also asian as are dh and I).
She has 2 little boys. They are very close in age and she had a really tough time with them - not eating, very fussy, fight all the time...
He would phone at 5 in the evening and tell her what to cook for dinner. She is not 'allowed' to even use ready made spices, pastes etc - it has to be all fresh from scratch the way his mama made it. When he comes home she waits on him hand and foot, then he watches telly and then goes to sleep after which she is supposed to clean up and all before she goes to bed.
He is on a work permit and she is on a dependant visa. if they split she will be sent back. And it's worse over there - her IL's and parents will side with him as he doesn't beat her up.
So, she's waiting it out till they have done the 5 or 6 years here, then apply for a brit passport as a family and then she'll make her move. Thats her plan....

SweetGrapes · 21/07/2010 08:12

Btw, not all asian men are like that. So don't take it to be the norm even if it's an arranged marraige.
Dh is a pain in the arse - he drops his undies on the bedroom floor and cannot see dirt - not in the same league at all....

faddle · 21/07/2010 10:18

OP, it sounds like your DH doesnt have much respect for you, which is a real shame. It is possible that this is just the way he has seen his own family behave and for him this is the norm. Doesnt make it right though. While I accept that your culture is to obey your husband, your obedience should be complemented with his respect for you and your feelings, and trust that what he is asking of you is the right thing. In this case, it sounds as if you are being obedient, which is very commendable, but that he does not have the necessary respect or care for you that he should have. In a word, he is at fault, and YANBU. I would be very hurt by such comments.
Please do not think that because you are not in your own country that there is no help for you here. There are people and organisations who will help you to build a new life for yourself here in the UK.

melikalikimaka · 21/07/2010 10:24

I would be so upset by this, it is a slippery slope, and don't put up with it!

Original poster
chickenlittlee · 22/07/2010 08:28

I had a chat with him last night. He admitted that he shouldn't have ordered me to leave the room, but also said that he didn't call me a fat slob. It was 'like a fat slob'. There is a difference according to him. I made it clear to him that I will not buy that and that there is no justifiable reason for his action/words. He gave me a couple of lame excuses for why he did that, which didn't convince me and he could see that. Clearly, he couldn't justify his outburst. I made it very clear and put it very firmly too, that if he thinks that I am going to put up with an unhappy marriage, then he is wrong. I will walk out, if I have to..even if it means been without a shelter. I told him, I will forget all these years that have gone behind if I do not get the respect and appreciation that I deserve. He apologized and was in tears.

I am not sure how long this will last, but I really am hoping this does. Like SweetGrapes mentioned, it is not always easy to leave. Even if I did leave now, the govt. will give me shelter and the will arrange for me to go back to my country, and I know life will be close to hell if something like that happened.

OP posts:
mumofthreesweeties · 22/07/2010 08:50

Glad you confronted him about it Chicken because he was clearly out of order there. Also pleased he saw the error of his ways and apologised, what an awful thing to have said to him. Wish you all the best and enjoy your gorgeous new baby

tw1nkley · 22/07/2010 09:59

Well done Chickenlittlee, You were really brave standing up for yourself, glad you are ok. Don't forget there is help if you need it.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 22/07/2010 10:10

Well done chickenlittlee.

Ihope you don't have to post anymore about him, but if you do, there are lots of very knowledgeable people on the Relationships section

goldenlife · 22/07/2010 10:25

Well done. That was brave. I really hope that does the trick. You are right to draw a line in the sand.

ruthosaurus · 22/07/2010 11:00

Yay, well done! I hope he mends his ways and that you both enjoy your baby. You did a hard thing in confronting him and it sounds like it was effective. Nice one!

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