Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure what to make of this..

86 replies

chickenlittlee · 18/07/2010 21:12

DH who never seemed to have had a problem with my weight, called me a 'fat blob' today - 'I don't want to see a fat blob lying down in front of me, go to the other
room now'. I was doing something on the laptop in the spare room, that's about it. Nothing said or done to invite this. I have given birth recently and have been trying to shift the weight since then. I'm hurt, upset and angry as I have been trying to deal with his temper/rudeness for quite sometime now, but have always forgiven him and gotten on with my life - yeah, what a fool I have been. But never in the past has he made a comment like that. AIBU to feel offended and hurt?

OP posts:
clam · 19/07/2010 17:39

And hide this thread

Jamieandhismagictorch · 19/07/2010 17:41

yy clam. Delete your browsing history too OP

spongecakelover · 19/07/2010 18:07

Do you visit any mum and baby groups? Is there one of the facilitators there you could speak to confidentially? Or the GP or poss a Health Visitor? Citizen's Advice?

I'm trying to think of ways you can receive support in a way that is totally separate to him. Does he monitor your internet activity too?

ReasonableDoubt · 19/07/2010 18:11

Fucking hell. What a turd! I do not understand this kind of man. Is he generally rude and abusive to others, ordoes he reserve this behaviour especially for his wife?

Not acceptable.

coventgarden · 19/07/2010 18:13

YANBU

My husband wants me to be a size 12, and told me he would leave me if I got to 20-30 stone, but he would never tell me to leave the room and call me a fat slob. He would be in Coventry if he did.

spongecakelover · 19/07/2010 18:58

coventgarden, how is it acceptable that your husband feels it's ok to give you 'suitable' size limit? I think that's almost as abusive as telling someone they are a fat slob.
So 19 stone's alright but 20 isn't? What are his motivations for telling you this? And what are yours for accepting it?

I realise this sounds a bit full on and I apologise for that - the last thing I want is for you to feel bad but I have to tell you I think what he says is wrong.

chicken, thinking of you and sorry for the flippancy of my first message on the thread. I didn't realise the depth of the situation.

coventgarden · 19/07/2010 19:29

I asked him if he wanted me to be a size 12 last week and he said yes. The 20 stone thing isn't 19 is okay and 20 isn't, it is he doesn't want me to be morbidly obese. He said this when we hadn't been together long and I did give him a hard time about it. He wants me to lose weight as he knows I do and he said last night I should do it for me, not him. I have food issues. It is a problem.

clam · 19/07/2010 19:46

I think there's a massive difference between what the OP's husband is saying and coventgarden's.
My DH made me keep to a pledge I made a while back to lose a stone and a half before I could go to the US to visit my best friend. From the outside perspective, it might have looked as if he was being a real tyrant, but I pledged to do it, as I really wanted the weight off and knew that was the only incentive that would work. DH made it clear at the start that if I wanted him to he would keep me to it, i.e. I could not buuy the ticket until I'd lost it. I said yes, fine.
A few times I wobbled, and tested the water about going anyway, but he was adamant. I could have given up the diet, but there'd be no trip. Now, he couldn't care less whether I'm a size 12 or 18, but he knows it really bothers me.
When I've explained this scenario to people in RL, some of them look aghast, and say they'd never stand for their DH's doing that.
But they're missing the point. It was my idea, and I knew he would not let me off.

Result: the weight has gone! Had a fabulous trip in May and am pondering "signing up" for another stone.

Sorry, none of this helps the OP. As you were....

coventgarden · 19/07/2010 19:51

Thank you clam. It did make me feel a bit and tbh.

My dh promised me money for each pound lost but my head wasn't in the right place to do it.

flootshoot · 19/07/2010 20:00

The fact that you even have to ask if you are being unreasonable is ringing alarm bells for me.

spongecakelover · 19/07/2010 20:11

The big difference is whether or not you want to do it. If you do and he's supporting you then that's great. But if he's threatening to leave you unless you conform to something he wants you to be then that is, to a certain extent, abusive.

If, as you say clam, that's his way of helping you stick to your goals and it works for you both, good! Each to their own...

coventgarden · 19/07/2010 20:26

Which clearly isn't yours and you still think my dh is wrong and I am being abused.

vinocollapso · 19/07/2010 20:41

Wanker - huge, huge wanker.

Sorry you've had to hear that from someone - you're a fucking goddess for giving birth. He probably feels inferior.

Leave him, sister (but kick him in the nuts, first). :O

wb · 19/07/2010 21:00

What do you think would have happened if you hadn't left the room? Are you ever scared of 'disobeying' him? Cause this sounds like abuse to me. Maybe in its early stages, but escalating.

I think you should leave. And if you don't think its come to that, maybe just have a little think about how you could leave, if you had to. Save some money secretly. Just in case.

spongecakelover · 19/07/2010 21:14

coventgarden, you're right in saying I wouldn't like it if my dh handled a sensitive issue like my weight (and it is a big issue for me) like that. I'd want him to help me like he said he would when we got hitched - for richer or poorer etc. I think if he said he'd leave me it would only make the situation worse - I totally comfort eat and worrying about that would push me over the edge.

But from what you're saying, it sounds as though what he said was way before your marriage and life long commitment to each other and you've given him hell for it anyway! Both those comments sound as though they've come from conversations between the two of you, not just like decrees telling you what to do. I didn't realise this when I first responded to you - so don't want to cause offence to you!! Like I said before, and without irony, each to their own.

Anyhow, let's hope chicken's ok.

spongecakelover · 19/07/2010 21:16

And wb, totally agree.

porcamiseria · 19/07/2010 21:27

hmm thats not very nice

he needs to know what a cock he has been, trust me if I ever say hurtful or nasty things to my DP (I do, I have a nasty mouth) he lets me know about it

dont take it, get angry, stay angry, let him know he was bang out of sorts

whatever culture he is, dont take this shit

you DO have options, you might not think so, but you do

SugarMousePink · 19/07/2010 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2kids2dogsandahorse · 19/07/2010 21:48

I agree with Sugarmouse huge red flags are being raised here :0(

Collect your important documents (your birth certificate, your marriage certificate, anything relating to you staying in this country, passport, drivers license etc and any spare cash that won't be missed and put them somewhere safe.

Somewhere safe that is out of the house and if you can manage spare clothes n stuff (that also won't be missed)for you and your baby then pack a small suitcase and put that somewhere safe out of the house too if possible.

At the moment you are probably shell-shocked and feel you have nowhere to turn to but the reality is that the day you and your baby walk out of that door, close it behind you and LEAVE is the first day of the rest of your life - and it will be a hell of a lot better.

I know, I did just that xxx

SugarMousePink · 20/07/2010 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tw1nkley · 20/07/2010 21:30

Hope you're ok chicken,

greenbananas · 20/07/2010 21:33

Chickenlittlee, I've read this thread and I just want to say that I am thinking of you and will keep on thinking about you... You deserve much better than this, really you do, especially when you have a baby to look after and need lots of support yourself - are there any women in your community who can help you?

What you're describing really does sound like abuse, but I know it's easy to say "leave" and perhaps not that easy to do in reality. Think carefully about all your options, and about what is best for you and the baby in the long term. Support is out there if you need it - please make sure that you have some real-life support as soon as you can x

goldenlife · 20/07/2010 21:43

OH, I don't know, I am going to go against the grain here - leaving your husband is a BIG thing to do. Of course what he said is hurtful and unacceptable but IMO it would be a bit of a knee jerk reaction to up and leave when you have just had a baby together. Can you talk to your DH and tell him how hurt you felt by that comment? Would he take that seriously or would he think you were unduly sensitive? Perhaps you could tell him that you are tired (you must be with sole night time care of the little one) and emotional and would really appreciate his support at this time. Perhaps he thinks he is being funny but you might be able to jolt him into realising that actually he was being cruel and selfish. Is this your first baby? It takes some men a long time to realise how much work it is - usually until they have to do some childcare themselves. Yes, his job is doubtless important and financially crucial but nonetheless it would NBU to suggest that he give you a day and a night off at the weekend, especially if he regards it as easy looking after a baby and then he might have more perspective. Whatever you do, don't respond by thinking you ought to lose weight (I have made that mistake and one thing leads to another....). I hope you work it out.

ruthosaurus · 20/07/2010 23:25

Um, did you read the bit about him controlling her internet access? And I don't think the OP thought her husband was being funny: she has said that she has felt scared by him.

What her husband said was designed to hurt and shows how little he cares about her feelings or indeed sees her as a person. It's not about having a chat about how much hard work a new baby is. He called her a fat blob and ordered her to get out of his sight because he didn't want to look at her, ffs.

Abuse, in my book. The OP does not have to rationalise it: it us very, very unpleasant and she deserves better.

kayah · 20/07/2010 23:45

don't know if those are of any help, but please Chickenlittle trust us - there are places yo ucan turn to

just because he is conditioning you to be obedient and take in any abuse is not making it right

as you can see there's a lot of help out there
you just have to make the first step and learn about your rights

www.asianwomencentre.org.uk/index.php?option=com_content&view=frontpage&Itemid=1

www.communitycare.co.uk/Articles/2008/12/01/110066/asras-london-refuge-for-asian-women.htm

syg.com/show/she/scripts/resultshow.php3?totalrows=219&page=1&categorycode=18&countrycode=1&citycode =

www.thegriffinssociety.org/res_keyword_search.php?search_string=%20womens+centre

Swipe left for the next trending thread