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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure what to make of this..

86 replies

chickenlittlee · 18/07/2010 21:12

DH who never seemed to have had a problem with my weight, called me a 'fat blob' today - 'I don't want to see a fat blob lying down in front of me, go to the other
room now'. I was doing something on the laptop in the spare room, that's about it. Nothing said or done to invite this. I have given birth recently and have been trying to shift the weight since then. I'm hurt, upset and angry as I have been trying to deal with his temper/rudeness for quite sometime now, but have always forgiven him and gotten on with my life - yeah, what a fool I have been. But never in the past has he made a comment like that. AIBU to feel offended and hurt?

OP posts:
ifiwereamillionaire · 18/07/2010 23:37

I would be very unhappy fucking furious if dh spoke to me like this and he would be told pretty damn sharpish to wind his neck in.

I can't decide which is worse, that he is allowed to order you to leave the room or the comments that came after.

If this is the way he treats you regularly then you need some kind of intervention because a) he is showing you no respect b) he is controling you c) his communication is nasty, rude and abusive designed to demean you and reduce your confidence amking you easier to dominate.

You need to decide your future. If you plan to stay then you need to tell him clearly how he should behave and don't allow him to bully you or back slide. Think of your needs and your childrens well being and take a stand.

clam · 18/07/2010 23:43

If my DH said that to me "because your husband is asking you to," I'd ask him who the Hell he thought he was talking to. And no way would I leave the room. Yet you went??
There must be much more to this.

But I don't think we're going to like what you might tell us. But remember, we're here to help, if you need it.

babymutha · 19/07/2010 00:05

Hello Chicken - YANBU, he is being a nasty so and so. However, is he continually like this? My DH, who is usually very dear, behaved like a complete bustard in the early days after DD was born. It was not good timing to start acting like a knob, it was extremely hurtful and I really needed help and support (the weight thing particularly got to me, a similar comment was made) but since the sleep got better he went back to behaving like his usual self. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, coz it's really hard, I hope it is a temporary bustardness on your other halfs part. If it isn't agree with comments above, get help.

thursday · 19/07/2010 00:16

you know YANBU, jsut being told to leave the room because he said so, is far and away good enough reason to be hurt and offended. but to tell you the sight of you bothers him and to call you names, its just utterly shit. i hate hate hate men like him.

have you told him how much it upset you? not that he couldnt figure it out for himself. doesnt sound like he;s showing any remorse. sorry, new baby is a horrible time to be hearing 'leave him, leave him!' but er, leave him. sorry.

Original poster
chickenlittlee · 19/07/2010 00:22

Leave and go where? I moved countries to be with him, leaving the security and comfort of a close-knit family. Parents thought it was a bad move and were really upset, still are. But I was confident that he was the one for me, married him after seeing him for two years (whilst I was a student here) and moved here. So technically, I am alone. No family, no friends. No one to talk to you. Got married, fell pregnant straightaway. Never had the opportunity to find a job for myself. Dependent on him for everything.

I 'obeyed' his order quietly because ILs were around, and if they hear anything, they butt in. It's their nature. When he asked me to leave, I knew he wasn't joking because he had a visible frown on his face.

He isn't sleep deprived. He sleeps in the spare room because ' he has to wake up early in the morning for work'. He has just been to our bedroom where I sleep with DS. Kissed me goodnight on my cheek and said, 'you have half an hour'. Half an hour before he turns internet off.

OP posts:
ruthosaurus · 19/07/2010 00:36

Holy shit, get out of there before he starts locking you in the house when he goes to work. He sounds awful. And it doesn't sound like he sees anything wrong with ordering you about, does it?

My DH was a tosser for a bit after I had our DS - it mostly involved him sitting around on his arse - but no way would he have dared to order me around. And to be honest, I'd he had I'd have a) pmsl'd and b) shopped him to his mum, who would have been round half an hour later to have words with him...

You sound scared of your DH. Is that the case?

rupert22 · 19/07/2010 00:39

I'm more shocked that he aksed you to leave and go to another room and you went!!!

And now he is telling you to get off the internet, when he decides!!!

YOu have to leave.

tw1nkley · 19/07/2010 00:42

Chicken, where will you go? Wherever you want, you have a whole life to live.

You are being controlled and he sees nothing wrong with it.

What country are you in?

((typing fast before you get logged off))

tw1nkley · 19/07/2010 01:20

Chicken I'm hoping you come back tommorrow, we are here to help if we can.......... Please don't let this be your life.

Kaloki · 19/07/2010 01:33

You have half an hour till he cuts you off the net?! FFS is he your husband or your owner?! Please please leave him!

DitaVonCheese · 19/07/2010 08:55

Will your parents come and help you to leave? Anyone else - a sister? Where are you?

You can't live like this. You do have choices.

loopyloops · 19/07/2010 09:11

Oh my word, what a nasty nasty man. Easy for us to say, much harder to actually do, but you have to leave him. Otherwise he will gradually get worse and your child will grow up thinking that this level of abuse is perfectly normal.
Call your family and ask for help. Does your baby have a passport? Get one sorted asap, and go home. I'm so sorry it has come to this, but you cannot have someone controlling you like this, let alone being so hurtful.

Where are you at the moment? Is there anything any of us can do to help? If you are in the UK then certainly someone on here will be able to help you out temporarily, I have a spare room and would be happy for you to stay until you sort yourself out, as would others I'm sure.

If you are elsewhere, do you have any friends in the country? Can any of your friends or family get to you to visit?

Good luck, and please don't just leave things as they are.

By the way, YANBU, YABabused.

ifiwereamillionaire · 19/07/2010 09:26

I know it feels horrible to call your parents and say you made a mistake, (if you want to leave), but pride can't get in the way of your & DC's safety and happiness.

Imagine your future with this man if this
behaviour continus. More domination, more abuse, ??? possibility of violence if you dare stand up to him or don't do something when/where/how he likes it.

Imagine becoming more lost, alone and helpless while your children watch and learn their place in the world and relationships from you both.

I have never urged someone to leave before but your posts sound so sad and lost that I have to suggest seeking help.

clam · 19/07/2010 11:20

Is it part of your culture to obey your husband? In which case the whole issue is more complex, and for us to sit here and type (as I did) along the lines of telling him where to get off, is perhaps not relevant or helpful.

Thinking of you, chicken.

clam · 19/07/2010 11:21

Also, just had a thought, if he monitors your internet usage to that degree, is he aware that you post on here? In which case, I'd take steps to clear your history.

BalloonSlayer · 19/07/2010 11:35

In answer to your question, what you should make of this is that he is a horrible person who orders you around and who doesn't deserve to be married to anyone.

Kaloki · 19/07/2010 14:05

clam is right, but what you need to remember OP is that if this is the case, then you don't have to go along with something that makes you uncomfortable just because his culture dictates it.

DandyLioness · 19/07/2010 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
chickenlittlee · 19/07/2010 15:24

I'm in the UK, moved here from the middle-east. We are an asian family so I guess it's my 'duty' to 'obey' my husband. Yes, it's our culture.
From what I have realised is that, my husband doesn't see him 'telling me off' as a serious problem. In the past, when FIL has been rude to me, I have told my husband that I have had enough and I am going to let my parents know about everything, to which he has asked, 'are they beating you up? are they hitting you? just ignore them, that's the way we are with our words.' So I know that he doesnt see his behaviour as a problem because he doesnt raise his hand on me. I have also told him in the past that I would leave if he continues to upset and hurt me, but I now understand that he doesnt take me seriously. Maybe because he knows that I really have nowhere to go and that I'm helpless. I can't go back to the middle east with my baby, because of some pretty shite rules that the country has. I can go on my own, but can't take my child with me unless my husband accompanies us. It's messed up.

For someone who just asked, I think I have begun to get scared of his temper. I would question everything before, but I don't think he likes been questioned. In the past, I have raised a lot of issues, but NONE seemed to have resolved. So this time around, I'm not sure that trying to talk to him would make any difference. He knows I'm hurt, but he probably thinks that I will get over it, like I have always.

OP posts:
Kaloki · 19/07/2010 15:29

It's not ideal that you can't get to your own country, but there is help for you in the UK. The law here protects you and will not seperate you from your child.

I don't know enough to advise you, but there are a lot of wonderful people here who can. Take care of yourself!

sowhatis · 19/07/2010 15:35

Fucking hell.

please get some help in this country for you and your DS - do you want him growing up where he sees this behaviour as the 'norm'??

EmmaKateWH · 19/07/2010 17:20

My god!!! what a complete and total wanker. I am currently 28+5 wks pregnant and have put on 3 stone already - I know I look much heavier than my usual size 12 self. I have brought this up with DH loads of times because I feel v fat - and my DH ALWAYS says - you don't look fat, you look pregnant, you are having a baby, its a beautiful thing, you look wonderful to me, its nothing to worry about, all that matters is that you are healthy, or some variation on that theme. This is basically the only acceptable husband response as far as I am concerned!
You have just produced a child for this man for christ's sake!!! You are probably not looking your absolute best - it is his job as a supportive and decent husband to make you feel better about this not worse!
If my DH ever spoke to me like that I would not be married to him. You should tell him that what he said is an appalling way to speak to his wife, and that if he does it again, he will find himself single.

EmmaKateWH · 19/07/2010 17:25

Sorry just read whole of the thread and realise that leaving your DH would be v difficult for you. Agree with Kaloki though that there is help for you here. There are specialist women's aid charities for ladies from ethnic minorities who will be really used to dealing with sort of situation. Where do you live?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 19/07/2010 17:34

Womens Aid

chickenlittlee - I'm sure more knowledgeable people will come on soon, but in the meantime, please have a look at the website for Womens Aid

Jamieandhismagictorch · 19/07/2010 17:35

Womens Aid Telephone number (does not appear on bills) 0808 2000 247.

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