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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have installed a pole dancing pole in my living room...?

401 replies

superv1xen · 17/07/2010 18:04

been having lessons for months now and decided to get one put in at home!

its amazing for fitness and so much fun, i have really toned up since doing it and i am thinking of possibly teaching it from home if i get good enough. and dp enjoys watching me practise although i reckon the novelty will probably wear off soon

my mum did a bit of a "cats bums mouth" when she first saw it though and dp darent even tell his mum i have got one! haha

OP posts:
RubberDuck · 22/07/2010 10:58

(I don't think my chin up bar is very phallic... though it does live in the living room...)

foureleven · 22/07/2010 11:35

lowenergylightbulb 'sexist' not 'sexual' connotations.

And OCDgirl, there wasnt anything sexist in the youtube clip of course. Its the bigger picture that everyone's banging on about.

I never got it either until I started reading up on it all.

Pole dancing in your living room emmulates something that women do for men's pleasure and get paid for, its an example of where the sex industry has crossed over in to every day life.

If you are vehermently (sp) and fundamentaly against the sex industry it is hard to separate this from it and accept it.

smallorange · 22/07/2010 12:29

Coincidentally my SiL has just installed one in her front room and apparently two of my girls, 6 and 3, were dancing/swinging round it.

And I am uncomfortable. But not sure how to approach it - should I make it a big deal or just let them get on with it.

It's niggling away at me

ItsGraceActually · 22/07/2010 12:30

Foureleven, it's evidently hard for you to separate somebody using a piece of fitness equipment in their own home - or at a dance centre - from somebody using the same piece of equipment as part of a paid sex show. I haven't got the same problem.

Strippers use nurse's uniforms, police uniforms and riding crops in their acts. Does that mean nurses, policewomen and riders are all encouraging the objectification of women for sexual purposes?

foureleven · 22/07/2010 13:15

Well, no of course not because those things were there first..

Pole dancing was first used in the sex industry and has now been normalised..

The police force didnt design their uniforms to emmulate sex workers.

foureleven · 22/07/2010 13:18

smallorange, if you feel uncomfortable you should say something.

This is an area of pop culture I dont want my girls to be exposed to. Just because its popular and seen as the norm doesnt make it ok.

i dont let my girls watch 'Kiss' because 90% of the videos portray women as sex objects.

foureleven · 22/07/2010 13:20

Also no matter what anyone says I am pretty convinced that the pole itself is a falic symbol.. should a three year old be dancing around a falic symbol...?

lowenergylightbulb · 22/07/2010 14:05

Maypoles are phallic aren't they? The primary school that my kids went to had one and all the infants used to prance around it.

Should I call the cops?

FightingDwarf · 22/07/2010 14:19

Looks like fun. I wouldn't put up a pole in my living room, I don't think, purely becuase it would get in the way and I'd be constantly falling over it. Same reason I wouldn't hang up a kick bag, much as I would love one. I can't see it damaging the kids too much - they will grow up seeing it as a normal form of exercise and their mum as someone who is pretty fit, and will probably be very well able to separate out the sexual side of things from the exercise/strength/toning side.

...that said though, I can't help but think of the potential for rather embarrassing fanny farts when one is hanging upside down legs akimbo...

Studioveena · 22/07/2010 15:07

Its unfortunate that so many of you are closed minded....we allow kids to perform tango and many other forms of dance that are all about sex! The pole can be all about fitness and you so choose you NEVER have to wiggle anything inappropriately to enjoy pole dancing.

We put little girls in pageants and make them wear fake teeth and makeup... now that is twisted....Moms having pole in their home or letting kids play on them is not a big deal....its misinformed people that turn it into a big deal.

For me pole is ART...but as I said before I respect the athletic and exotic nature of it too. Respecting something doesn't mean you have to do it too.

I'm totally laughing at some of the comments here, I'm off to go enjoy my amazing and fulfilling life as a POLE DANCING MOTHER

snowdropz · 22/07/2010 15:16

I do not get the tango - pole dance comparison.

I would wonder if the op watches tacky E entertainment shows such as kendra, and had a subscriptions to playboy.

Eeeks!!

xapthetornado · 22/07/2010 15:22

I suppose these men are all objectifying themselves as well?
This one doesn't seem like a workout at all.You could totally gain this kind of strength on the treadmill.

www.y outube.com/watch?v=Xvxgis7qNqQ www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/video/2010/04/27/VI2010 042703983.html?sid=ST2010042603830

*Based on what many of you are saying, then these men have fallen victim to the sexualization of women, are to be viewed as sex objects, and have no sense of self.

Some of these posts in this forum have made me physically ill. Just a bunch of female misogynists in here pretending to be feminists. I'm appalled by the name calling and assumptions. "Deep throat the mailman" is something I would expect to come out of a mans mouth. I suppose it makes one feel better to cut down another woman (and mother) for doing something that you don't feel comfortable with. It's ok to be against pole dancing, I can see where an uninformed person could get thrown off by it. But, to sink to personal attacks and flat out prejudices is really just giving us all a glimpse into your life and your personality.
I suggest every naysayer in here (including those who think they wouldn't get a workout because they are strong from yoga or pilates) take an intermediate pole class, then we will talk. ;) Warning: One must remove stick from arse before poleing, or injury could occur.
Studioveenas vid with her children had nothing sexual in it, and I doubt her boys see it as anything beyond playground type equiptment.
As far as the other studioveena video that someone posted saying "would you want your 11 yr old daughter dancing like this???" No...I wouldn't. But I don't see any kids sitting around watching that dance either. Parents do things in private that their kids won't see, that room looked pretty private to me so I don't see the issue. Do you go out of the house to have sex with your partner because the kids are asleep in their beds down the hall? No. We are still allowed to be adults are we not???
I'm a meal planning, car pooling, rushing to swim practice, stay up late with sick kids mother like everyone else in here. I also put on my shorts and tanktop at night and hang or hold myself on a beautiful gold pole in my house.
My 11 yr old stepdaughter has played on my pole. Showing me moves that she and all the boys and girls do on the tether ball poles on the playground. She says they all form a line at the poles and take turns making up moves. This was going on long before I ever started poleing myself. It has never crossed any of their minds that what they are doing can be viewed as sexual, sexist or wrong. They recognize the fun difficulty in it. My two year old son can climb it, and as he grows bigger, I will teach him the various holds he can do on it. There is nothing to hide unless you treat it like something dirty and taboo. Everyone knows I have a pole in my house. I am very open about it. I am no less of mother for it, and honestly I worry much more about the messages the various media outlets send to my kids then what they will get from mom having a pole.
Inevitably, someday they will learn about strippers and pole. So what? They will know that there is a difference between what they have seen me do, and what they see there. Don't get me wrong, I pull my sexy out sometimes on the pole, but not in front of them. Like I said before, when the kids are asleep or not around...we are still allowed to be grown ups. After a day of being a milk machine, toilet scrubber, lunch maker, book reader, chauffer, counselor, cook, and housekeeper...I welcome adding "sexy goddess" to that list.
You all need to open your minds a bit, life will be much more fun.

snowdropz · 22/07/2010 15:30

xapthetornado -would you like a medal? I guess you have taken to emphasising the warning for posters, based on your past experience...

superv1xen · 22/07/2010 17:00

great post xapthetornado

OP posts:
BrightLightBrightLight · 22/07/2010 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MillyR · 22/07/2010 17:24

Xapthetornado, like every other pro-dancing person on this thread, you have acknowledged in this thread that many people view pole dancing as a sexy activity.

I don't want my children to grow up to be sexy or sexualised. I am not sexy or sexualised. You seem unable to see the difference between sexy - a stereotypical performance to please others, and sexual - actually being comfortable with yourself as a person who experiences pleasure.

I don't know where you live. It probably isn't Britain, where pole dancing and lap dancing clubs require no more regulatory permission to set up than a cafe. Because it seems to me that it is implausible for a Secondary school age child, like your step-daughter, to live in Britain and not know what pole dancing usually involves. Many children will pass a pole dancing club or adverts for one on the way to school everyday. So a British child like your step daughter who is encouraged to pole dance would be aware of the connotations it.

I really don't get your issue with oral sex. I'd rather be accused of participating in a perfectly normal and natural sexual act than be accused of making some industrialised, sexualised exhibition of myself on a pole.

And I'm a grown up all of the time, even when my kids are around. Being grown up isn't something you do when you're not being a mother. Mothering is an adult activity. It doesn't strip you of your working or sexual identity, unless there is something about your sexual identity that you feel the need to hide.

ItsGraceActually · 22/07/2010 17:31

::applauds xapthetornado:: too!

At school, around 8yo, I learned to climb a rope & do aerobatics on it. The same moves a pole dancer does on the pole. Nobody EVER suggested there was a sexual motive to it - and, if they had done, they would have been seen as a 'pervert'! In my school, those of us who enjoyed the rope & bars work had access to a trapeze - we loved it.

Strippers also use the trapeze. In fact ALL the exercises that have been mentioned in this thread were considered titillating, and many were banned - snowdrop, that's the link between tango and the pole.

ItsGraceActually · 22/07/2010 17:39

MillyR: As you say, "Many children will pass a pole dancing club or adverts for one on the way to school everyday." They will also see adverts depicting women having what look like orgasms over shampoo, bottled water and ice-creams. Wherever they look, they'll see adverts based on the assumption that sex appeal is the only desirable goal. They see pop stars, of both sexes, wearing more body oil than clothing.

As a parent who doesn't want her children to grow up to be sexy or sexualised, you teach them to recognise how sexuality is applied to ordinary activities in order to help sell stuff, no? QED.

MillyR · 22/07/2010 17:41

I'm not sure what all the examples of past objects and activities have got to do with the meaning of objects now. Why would anyone view a trapeze as currently being sexual, anymore than someone would view lightning as being thrown by Thor?

We don't live in the past - objects and activities change their meaning. Pole dancing's primary purpose is as an object in porn culture. You could use a vibrator to mix the ingredients for cake with your kids, but most other people are going to see it as a vibrator. If in 20 years nobody really sees poles and vibrators as being part of the sex industry, then fine. But right here, right now, the sex industry is what frames them culturally.

And even if a child was wearing a thong and a jail bait tshirt, only a disturbed person would view that child sexually. I still think most people wouldn't put their child in such an outfit, because of the psychological impact on the child growing up and at some point in their childhood realising that parts of their childhood were associated with the sex industry.

MillyR · 22/07/2010 17:44

Again Grace, washing hair is an ordinary activity carried out by almost everyone in the country, as is singing. Pole dancing is an activity that is predominantly carried out by sex workers - the sex industry is what frames it culturally.

DayDay83 · 22/07/2010 17:45

wow, I cant believe the amount of closed minded judgemental people around here, sad really.

to OP, I really hope you enjoy poling, it's unfortunate but there are always going to be self righteous people like these who think you are borderline commiting a crime by enjoying a different type of excersise, I'd brush it off and do what YOU want to do, it is not your problem that they live under a rock made of prejudice.

ifancyashandy · 22/07/2010 17:53

Xapthetornado I am the poster who mentioned yoga / pilates, so am guessing this was aimed at me?:

"suggest every naysayer in here (including those who think they wouldn't get a workout because they are strong from yoga or pilates) take an intermediate pole class, then we will talk. ;)"

Didn't say I wouldn't get a workout. Just not that keen on one what requires me to act like a stripper.

ItsGraceActually · 22/07/2010 17:56

Milly, I think you are one 'framing' pole dancing. If it's done in a closed room by a naked woman whom a man has paid to do it, it's a sexual activity. If it's done in ordinary surroundings by somebody wearing clothes, it's not.

It is exactly the same as the difference between dancing, naked, for money and dancing for fun. None of you would stop your children dancing or doing gymnastics, just because some people incorporate them in sex shows (I hope.) So I can't see the arguments against pole-dancing as anything other than prurient.

MillyR · 22/07/2010 18:03

Again, dancing is an activity that is done by almost every human being on the planet. A tiny minority of people on the planet dance naked as sex workers.

Pole dancing is an activity that is primarily carried out by sex workers. It is this that frames it as being an activity of the sex industry.

You seem unable to respond to this argument, and instead keep making analogies with activities that are seldom to do with industrialised sex.

If there was a thread on here where someone said their husband had seen a woman having her washed in the hairdressers, or fighting a fire, or singing, nobody would immediately think that this was likely to involve a sexual display. If someone says their husband was watching a woman pole dancing, a great many people will immediately think of the sex industry.

ItsGraceActually · 22/07/2010 18:09

I thought it was obvious why I keep bringing up examples of activities that used to be considered raunchy, but are now 'everyday'. It is because narrow-minded people tried to prevent ordinary people doing those activities for fun.

You seem to have missed the connection between this and your statement above: "If in 20 years nobody really sees poles and vibrators as being part of the sex industry, then fine. But right here, right now, the sex industry is what frames them culturally."

It only frames them culturally if that is the frame you choose to look through ... pruriently.

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