To expect not to have to feed my sisters cats while she is on holiday

[IloveTakeThat]

Hi, This is my first post so please be gentle with me. lol
The prob is my sis and her 4 cats, dont get me wrong, I love cats, have one myself and love him to bits,
Im peed off cos my sis is going on holiday yet again for 2 weeks and its just expected that I will go round and feed the cats twice a day, There are other family members that live much closer and drive whereas I will have to bus it to and from, She is also very friendly with her neighbours either side but wouldnt dream of asking them,
Ive mentioned to my mum that I feel taken for granted but she doesn't see why I have a prob with it, She is gonna be on holiday with my sis so doesnt want me to cause bad feeling, and says I should be gratefull that Im trusted enough with my sis's keys.
This happens at least twice a year and i'm fed up with it.
My sis hasn't even mentioned it to me yet even though they go in 2 weeks, She never does until the day before when she pops her keys round, my mum has a few times though and knows im not happy about it,
I wouldn't mind so much if she offered me the bus fares which over the two week period cost about £30, I am a lone parent of 2 on benifits at the moment although been trying to get back into work for the last 6 months, My sis is working, has one child and money is not a worry for her,
I'm supposed to feel grateful cos she brings me back a pressie from holiday even though she also brings one back for everyone else.
I guess I am just sick of being taken for granted and its not just with the cats, although thats maybe another post sometime.

Slightly off-topic but I disagree that it's fine to leave cats for two days. If something happened to them, e.g. they were injured or ill, it could be too late for them by the time someone went back.

When we go away we always have someone go in twice a day to see to our cat - more to make sure he's ok than to feed him.

I don't think that's being at all precious.

She should pay you. And a pet sitter going in won't charge much more for 3 cats than 1. I pet sit as a way of earning a bit of extra money. I'm fully insured and I would charge £6.50 per visit for 3 cats (sometimes I do a discount for 2 visits a day, especially if someone was going away for a fortnight so two visits to 3 cats would be £12 per day). I tend to spend about half and hour per visit with the cats (depending on the cat - some want you there longer, others really don't want you there at all).

It is crazy to be in a situation where you are paying to feed her cats! It's really out of order. She could cover your expenses, and give you a big present or tip and still be paying a lot less than she would have to pay someone like me (& I'm cheap!). If she got a neighbour to do it I'd expect her to bring them back a bottle of wine or something to say thank you.

I dont see why your daughter cant do it, she could even move in there for the week or something, shes 15, i stayed home from family holidays at that age with out any trouble, not uncommon for that age, wouldnt she enjoy the independance? Its only a door, its harldy rocket science, you just keep wiggling it surely?

I think you've posted in the wrong section tbh, if you dont really want other peoples opinions you should try netmums for sympathy and hugs, you could do something about this situation if you wanted to, if you dont want to do anything about it why have you posted?

Do whatever with regards to the cats but you will continue to be treated as the family mug unless you voice yourself.

I don't think anyone has been harsh towards you at all.

You asked for opinions and advice. It was offered.

I think you secretly enjoy playing the martyr and the 'wronged one'.

Thank you all for your advice, Not sure my sis would be happy leaving a 15 year old niece in charge of her house for 2 weeks, maybe in the dark ages it would have been ok but not now,
I wouldn't leave her for that long on her own in my house and she is my daughter,

I am no mug, and I dont enjoy playing the martyr or wronged one, Is it wrong to not wanna fall out with your family? obviously I cannot talk to them about how I feel which is why I posted on here.

I do think some of you are being a bit harsh. The sister is at fault by asking too much of the op how insensitive and selfish to not offer to pay for bus fares ?
It sounds like she takes advantage with babysitting too.
I don't have any siblings but i have been in this position with my friends, never more so than when i had a child and was not working so people assumed i would look after their kids too !
I used to be a real people pleaser but now at the age of 41 i have learnt to say no . Guess what? people still like me (i think !) and they respect me more .

TBF Babydubs OP did say in previous message that she wasn't on here looking for sympathy, just some opinions on the situation (and some people can be slightly harsh with their words!)

I think that you sound like a very kind, caring person ILoveTakeThat and it is nice that you have done this before without making a fuss.

My mum and dad normally feed my cats for me when I go away (they are not far, drive and are retired and I know they don't mind as they always offer first too). But if I go for 2 weeks I try to split it between my mum and my brother (who works nearby and also drives) so that it's not all on one person. I only ask them to come once a day (and one day they were all busy I did say to them to all leave it that day and the cats would be fine ! But my brother is more of a worrier with cats/pets than I am and still came round of his own accord!). I would never ask if they had to get a bus or if it cost them money or generally put them out more than it does already. And I'm happy to feed their cats when they are away too.

Two bus journeys there and back a day is too much. You should only have to go once a day. I never understand about keeping cats in at night. My cat flap is constantly open and my cats are free to come and go as they please. They're cats and they often sleep a lot of the day and want to go out at night? There's no more chance of them getting run over at night than in the day?

And once a day feeding is definitely sufficient. Even if they normally get more, it is only 1 or 2 weeks so it's only temporary and they will be fine. I know it is probably difficult to suggest these things to your sister though, as some people can be slightly more precious about their cats than others.

You definitely need to mention the money though - it really is unreasonable that you are expected to pay that money out of your own pocket when you are doing her a favour. Maybe this hasn't crossed her mind before? (I would hope!)

Couldn't she find someone else for you to 'share the load' with a bit? Or, I may have missed your response but what about staying at her house like some previous posters suggested?

Hope you get it sorted.

I pay people £10 a day to come and feed my cats. I think you should tell your sister that's the going rate

I don't think you should refuse to feed the cats. But I wouldn't go twice a day. Once is fine and leave extra food! How would she ever know???

I had a similar thing with a friend who lived nearby who used to go away a lot and ask me to feed her cats. It was horrible. They were house cats and used to poo everywhere and the house stank. Revolting. I hate cats as well.

I think you're saying that if you assert yourself your sister will get 'upset.'

What's wrong with getting 'upset' - maybe she needs to get 'upset' and then you let her know that that kind of manipulation doesn't work on you.

OP you really need to listen to the sentiments behind all of these responses. No one is having a go at you, everyone is saying "for your own sake, you need to stop letting your sister take advantage of you".

Whatever her circumstances, she should be able to take "No" for an answer. What kind of family relationship do you want / have if you can never say no for fear of reprisals?

ILoveTakeThat - Just to contiue on my train of thought - it's amazing how you get this in a lot of families. There's usually some special soul whom 'thou must never upset.' Your mum's reinforced this family rule, and it does your sister no favours - she'll go through life thinking she's always entitled to get her own way. And so confident is she in her ability to control you this way, she doesn't even need to mention the cat until the night before she goes away. That's amazing power she has in the family!!

It's a tricky one to tackle.

I don't think it's wrong to not want to fall out with your family but it's wrong for your family to take advantage. Everyone on here is saying she is asking for too much (and I don't buy the hard time bit - I have a severely disabled child who we go through hell with sometimes -mh problem- doesn't give me the right to make unreasonable demands of others).

So given that the consensus is that she is being unreasonable and asking for too much - telling her it's too much is not unreasonable behaviour. It's entirely acceptable and a reasonable response from her would be to apologise for being thoughtless and to offer either to pay you or to make alternative arrangements.

OP, the part of your posts that has made me the saddest is when you said that you do the family babysitting cause you can't afford to go out with them. It's blimmin horrible being skint around folk who don't understand how miserable it is.

Are you sure she would cut you off from your neice if you said you couldn't manage it? Seems a bit drastic. After all, neice would suffer as well has you and your children. However, if you definitely feel for certain this would happen then I would say keep doing it. Its not worth a big family rift. And, if something bad happened to her (I think you said back in March?) then perhaps its too soon to get firm with her on this.

In 2005 when I still had cats, I paid one of the girls in the village £10 a day to come down twice a day and feed/water them, check they were OK and do litter trays. No travel costs involved, just a 3 minute walk, and I paid them a bonus and brought back a kilo of chocs as well.

You could charge your sister for the bus fares for you and your dd, and get her to pay for dd to do the job. It's still cheaper than a cattery.

Could you pop down to your local library or further education centre or do a bit of research on what's on locally for cheap/free around you and see if there is something that you could sign up for even just for one of the weeks that you sis is away.

Lots of summer courses at the moment, and you can often get big discounts if you are not earning (think you said you weren't earlier in the thread) - either something to help get y ou back to work or something related to a hobby or anything really... just something so that you can show you are not always available at their beck and call. And hopefully you would have a great time too.

Or do you have a friend that you could all go and stay with for a couple of days or a book club to join or volunteer to help out at a playscheme - lots of different options out there somewhere, hopefully one of them has got your name on it

Definitely think that you need to also say to your sister if she asks you to do this (or just turns up to drop off the keys) that it will be you, or one of the kids that does it, at least once a day but maybe twice - just so that you are starting to introduce your own terms into this. And you need to ask for bus pass money - even if you use it as an initial excuse to say that you just can't afford to do it at the moment as it will cost too much.

WOuld you dare to suggest that you think that it would be an excellent holiday job for your dd and the going catsitter rate around you is £x so she is willing to do it for a pound less?

Could you speak to one of your other family members that lives closer and see if they could do some of it - again, if you have spoken to them in advance you can present it as 'I can do every other day and xxx is going to do the rest' or that xxx will do the weekends or the nights or whatever.

It's easy sitting here reading your post to think 'just tell them not this time' - but I know how different - and difficult - the reality can be. Just think of little steps that you can do to make the situation better for you this time. And a little bit better the next time. and the time after that and so on. Until eventually you manage to get to where you want to be.

good luck...