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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect not to have to feed my sisters cats while she is on holiday

93 replies

IloveTakeThat · 16/07/2010 09:49

Hi, This is my first post so please be gentle with me. lol
The prob is my sis and her 4 cats, dont get me wrong, I love cats, have one myself and love him to bits,
Im peed off cos my sis is going on holiday yet again for 2 weeks and its just expected that I will go round and feed the cats twice a day, There are other family members that live much closer and drive whereas I will have to bus it to and from, She is also very friendly with her neighbours either side but wouldnt dream of asking them,
Ive mentioned to my mum that I feel taken for granted but she doesn't see why I have a prob with it, She is gonna be on holiday with my sis so doesnt want me to cause bad feeling, and says I should be gratefull that Im trusted enough with my sis's keys.
This happens at least twice a year and i'm fed up with it.
My sis hasn't even mentioned it to me yet even though they go in 2 weeks, She never does until the day before when she pops her keys round, my mum has a few times though and knows im not happy about it,
I wouldn't mind so much if she offered me the bus fares which over the two week period cost about £30, I am a lone parent of 2 on benifits at the moment although been trying to get back into work for the last 6 months, My sis is working, has one child and money is not a worry for her,
I'm supposed to feel grateful cos she brings me back a pressie from holiday even though she also brings one back for everyone else.
I guess I am just sick of being taken for granted and its not just with the cats, although thats maybe another post sometime.

OP posts:
saintlydamemrsturnip · 16/07/2010 11:58

Just say no, and give her the name of a local pet sitter. I agree you shouldn't say you will do something and then not when it involves animals- it's not fair on them.

Once she sees how much she has to pay a pet sitter she may even think about refunding your bus fair if she ever asks you again.

She really is out of order and you are being too nice!

I know it's hard but I would just say you can't do it (be away - or pretend to be) so she stops assuming you will be there.

Original poster
IloveTakeThat · 16/07/2010 11:58

Thank you for your comment FakePlasticTrees
I will maybe send her a text today although its hard to say I am busy unless I have a job interview lined up, my family especially my mum and my sis know everything thats going on,
Even If I dont tell them they find out anyway,

Im not looking on here for sympathy in any way, just wanted an outsiders point of view, And boy have I got it,

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 16/07/2010 11:58

You are being taken for granted, but you will continue to be unless you confront this. You are assuming there will be a row because your mum wants the easiest solution for your sister (you do it, she doesn't have to think about asking anyone else) rather than the easiest solution for everyone (she asks a neighbour/a family member who lives nearer/a friend who doesn't mind poping round).

Your sister might seriously not realise how much hassle this is for you as you've never said to her, only to your mum. Talk to her/text her today as you're giving her time to sort something else. (if fact, she might have thought you don't want to, but your mum has told her you don't mind and are glad she'll trust you with her keys!)

saintlydamemrsturnip · 16/07/2010 12:07

catteries may well be full now, but she will be able to get a pet sitter at short notice to go round. Depending on where you are in the country she should expect to pay £5-£10 per visit (for someone who is insured against loss of keys etc). Most will insist on at least one visit a day. If she's going away for 2 weeks she can afford it.

PrincessFiorimonde · 16/07/2010 12:12

I agree with FakePlasticTrees's posts.

ILoveTakeThat, yes, some posters here have been a bit brusque, but they are all agreeing that you are not being unreasonable, so please hang on to that thought.

Have you thought about having a word with one or other of the family members who live nearer and might be able to at least share the cat duties with you (if you don't want to say no altogether)?

Original poster
IloveTakeThat · 16/07/2010 12:14

My son has said he will go there on his bike to do it but there is also the responsibilty of locking the house up properly and if he doesn't and somethings happens then it falls back on me so dont wanna put my kids in that situation.

I dont think my sis does realise what a hassle this is for me, She doesnt think I have anything better to do, She has had a hard time lately so none of us wanna give her grief but she is ok despite everything that has happened she is in a much better position than I am and is coping very well.

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 16/07/2010 12:18

Oh OP - don't take it to heart, we have all been on somewhat heated threads before.

AIBU threads are always a bit like this.

I think everyone feels very sorry for you in that your sister seems to take the piss. Your kids are quite old so you are obviously not in your early twenties - so think that your mother's ridiculous comment about feeling honoured that your sister trusts you in her house is a bit daft.

Someone up thread says that my advice is wrong - no it's not. If you leave enough food out cats are perfectly happy to be left 36 hours. And they are fine to be left to have outside access all night. Don't be so precious.

loopyloops · 16/07/2010 12:29

I agree with GetOrf. When we go away I ask friends or neighbours to feed the cats, but only every day or two, as they are free to roam and are happy with a pile of food (we do have an automatic feeder but never use it).

Perhaps say to your sister that it is a big ask, what with the bus ride and everything, but that you are willing to do it every other day. In all likelihood she won't be happy with this, will look elsewhere, your point will have been made but you have still offered to help her out.

I think the reason this thread is getting a little heated is because everyone agrees with you and is offering you advice, but it sounds as if you're quite likely to go along with a situation you're not happy with, rendering advice and thread useless. Don't let it upset you though, it can get a lot worse on here!

Original poster
IloveTakeThat · 16/07/2010 12:41

Thank you GetOrfMoiLand I think in most families there is someone who is favoured for one reason or another, to be honest going back 12 years when I left my violent ex (kids dad) it was me that was favoured for a while,

At the moment it is my sis, but its for a different reason and things are very different. Even when her little one's dad was around I still had prob with cats when she was away so what's happenend recentlty isnt just cos he isnt around now.

OP posts:
Original poster
IloveTakeThat · 16/07/2010 12:50

Yeah I prob will do it anyway although not twice a day, guess I just needed some reassurence that i wasnt being unreasonable to feel i was being taken for granted,

If the weather forcast is good and i have nothing else planned for the day, i will let them out in the morning and go back later in the day so they can get out if only for a few hours,

I do not want the cats to suffer, they are all lovely, I only have one myself who is very much part of my family and would have more if I could afford too,

I do not want to cause frixtion in my family over this, maybe im just jealous that they are having another holiday and we are not lol only joking

OP posts:
Winetimeisfinetime · 16/07/2010 13:14

Ilove you are def NBU to feel you are being taken for granted.

You sound like a really caring, responsible person who has looked after the cats because you both care about their welfare and also because you want to please your family, but have now reached the point where you need to say something as your efforts are being taken for granted.

I would just be honest with your sister about the cost and hassle involved and offer to help her find someone else to do it. If she has a hissy fit about it then it is her that is being unreasonable.

Welcome to mumsnet

higglewiggle · 16/07/2010 13:29

If you dont want to say no, then at least say i can but once every 2 days as i have things planned for the kids during the holidays so wont be able to go twice a day everyday.

pranma · 16/07/2010 13:36

Cats [I have two] can be fed once a day [if wet food] and every other day if on dried food.Suggest your sister buys a timer cat feeder which opens at preset times over 48 hours.make sure they have plenty of water and they will be fine.I leave mine alone for up to 2 nights otherwise my lovely next door neighbour pos in.I have litter trays and keep them in usually.

Original poster
IloveTakeThat · 16/07/2010 14:17

And to expatinscotland, would you tell your mother to take a long walk on a short pier?
Think that is well out of order no matter what the circumstances.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 16/07/2010 14:58

OP - I've been thinking about this while I've been out and I think pretending to be busy when you're not won't work, but also, just doing it while seething isn't going to work for you either. I'm assuming there's something going on in your sister's life that means your mum wants to avoid extra stress for her.

So my suggestion is:

Call/text/e-mail your sister today and tell her that you believe she's going to ask you to look after her cats while she's away, and that you'd rather not because it'll take X number of hours out of your day, once you've factored in 4 bus trips, sorting them out, walking to/from bus stops etc and being the school holidays, you'd like to spend that time with your DCs, who although can be left alone, you'd rather be able to spend time with them (they grow up so fast, you've only got another school holidays with DD before she's a grown up etc).

Ask her to please ask someone else, even if just for one of the weeks, and if she really can't find anyone else to help, then you'll do it to avoid stress for her.

But don't just leave it, it'll annoy you and cause bad feeling between you and your sister.

caramelwaffle · 16/07/2010 16:32

Yanbu. "No" is a full sentence.

However, I am LOVING Greygirls suggestion: move in to her house, save all of your own electricity/ water/gas bills and eat all of her food. For a start.

caramelwaffle · 16/07/2010 16:33

When I started using the word No, my life became soooooooooooooooo much better!

ChunkyPickle · 16/07/2010 16:54

When you say you have to bus it - is that because you don't drive at all, or because you don't have a car?

Something I've done before is get myself added as a named driver on my sister's car (I think it only cost about a tenner for a month), so that I could use it when she didn't need it.

If you drive, and your sister has a car (that obviously she won't be using for 2 weeks) you could suggest that she insures you, then you get easier cat-feeding, plus use of a car for a couple of weeks.

Maylee · 16/07/2010 17:00

Oh thats a good idea ChunkyPickle.

Or get your daughter to go? At 15, she should be able to look up a house.

Original poster
IloveTakeThat · 16/07/2010 18:08

Hi ChunkyPickle, unfortunatly I dont drive at all so that isnt an option,
As for letting my 15 year old daughter do it, yeah she is capable of locking up a house but i have trouble myslf getting into my sisters house as her door is very temperamental, I usually get the hang of it a few days before she returns as have to put handle in certain posiotions before it will let you in, im usually sweating by the time i get in as its so frustrating unless you are used to it, and in the past ive been on the bus back hoping i locked it ok,
Is it really fair to put that on a child?

OP posts:
kerstina · 16/07/2010 18:55

You sound a lovely caring sister and i think your sister is taking you for granted.
It is much easier for a neighbour to feed the cats . i feed my neighbours and she feeds mine i only ask her to feed her once a day and i buy her a nice present as i am very grateful.
I know how you feel as i had a friend who asked me to feed her cats .She used to ask her neighbour but did not bother to thank her so started to ask me .i felt a bit put out as had to walk up the road in snow !
who feeds your cat op if you go away .Think your sis should take you away with her next time,

Original poster
IloveTakeThat · 16/07/2010 19:19

Thank you kerstina. Ive only been away once since I got my cat and I put him in a cattery for 10 days, My sis also was away with us and her cats went in the same cattery although she only had 3 at the time, she has inherited another one since,

It was expensive, £150 for my cat for 10 days so much more for her with 3 at that time, its not that I mind feeding them as I wouldnt want them to go without, I just am so peed off cos its expected of me, I would love to be going on holiday with them and my mum but cant so good old me will feed the cats like I get the pleasure of babysitting cos I dont have the money to go out with them, I guess its alot of things im peed off about rolled into one really, lol

OP posts:
flootshoot · 16/07/2010 19:41

If she hasn't actually approached you yet, then that's really rude!

I would get in there first and ask her who she's getting in to feed the cats as you're going to be very busy with .

PurpleCrazyHorse · 16/07/2010 19:42

I think you should contact your sister and say you can only do once a day. Either the catflap stays open or she finds someone else to do the other time. Next time you could add in that you're busy one or two of the days and gently remove yourself from doing it all the time. That way it'll be less of a fight (hopefully) and more of a gradual withdraw.

You say in your OP that you're trying to get back into work. What if you have an interview or get a job (or were unwell)? Your sis needs to sort out a backup for you too.

CarGirl · 16/07/2010 19:51

Could you pluck up the courage to phone your sister and ask her if she is planning on getting you to look after the cats? Then could you explain to her that you really can't afford the bus fares at the moment and would she give you the £30 for it when she drops of the keys - she probably has no idea it even costs you that much!

You can get timer cat flaps, could you ask her to get one in time for the next cat sitting as it takes you up to 3 hours per day to visist twice etc because of having to wait for buses etc?