(and I know this might be a little contravesial but) do you thing we're all being a little too judgemental?

[loopyloops]

There seems to be quite a lot of judging other people's choices going on (on here and in RL). Do people do it because they are genuinely concerned, or because they like to feel a little superior? Isn't it better to express your beliefs on things (ie. breast v bottle, smoking/drinking in pregnancy) without talking about it in terms of judging people?
Sorry if this offends anyone, but I wonder if the reason the media judge Mumsnet so negatively is perhaps because there is this culture of holier-than-thou going on?

Thoughts, please.

slushy, that's terrible

I've hidden 3 threads today ( for the first time) because I just couldn't stand the judging.
might end up hiding this one too.

I have become less judgemental since I started neglecting the family MNing. Now when I see someone doing something unspeakable, like bloe fag ash into their newborn's face, I think she probably is just having a bad day.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

I really feel its time for me to back right off from MNs and the like. I really like MNs but it has made me realise just how often I am likely to be judged on a daily basis.

I suppose I always knew that it was going on. But its so in my face since I joined internet forums.

Its not the big things. I have been judged in RL for being with a black man, having 5 kids, voting labour blah blah but its the sheer everythingness that you can be judged on.

What you feed your kids - not if you feed them.
If you get any benefits at all.
If you live in social housing
If you think its ok to let your child out of your sight for more than 2 seconds.
If you make your teen tidy their room
If you toddler likes a sip of tea everyso often.

It goes on and on and on.

I am astounded at how strong people's views are on these things and the assumptions they make about people based on them.

Actually I think the 'other' forum is much worse than this one. The judgements appear to spectacularly badly informed on there. I have seen it kick of big time on here though.

I am not asking for sympathy, I can deal with it all but it has just suprised the hell out of me. I actually think about it when i am shopping, parking etc. When it gets to that point I feel its time to back away a bit.

I have always been a bit of a rebel - maybe it was easier to rebel when you had no idea what people were really thinking?

Won't stand for blowing fag smoke at babies, dear me no.

"See how much holier than you that makes me?"

It's Holier than thou, GloriaSmut.

Tsk.

That's grim though - judge away.

whatname you don't know what it was for it was for smoking 3 fags a day while pg . I never knew how bad it was my mw told me there was a small chance it might make my baby a bit smaller but that was all I knew about it .

Slushy honestly, don't beat yourself up about it. (Incidental anecdote; when DD died I asked consultant was it because I had had a couple of cigarettes, she said that it can impair growth but only if you smoke a lot and certainly not enough to cause serious damage)

No one is perfect, that is kind of what I was getting at. Why do people want other people (that they don't even know) to think they are perfect?

Can we not make judgments without overtly judging people, IYSWIM? Do we have to be rude about things, do we have to make people feel worthless? I agree, we all do judge everything around us, but we must remember that just because this is anonymous and not face-to-face, as someone (Slushy?) has said already, you have to remember that there are real people behind the other screen. People with feelings.

Now I'm the one bleating hypocritically sounding holier-than-thou. Sorry for that guys.

By the way, I judge myself for my poor spelling, I'm usually a pedant!

TBH, whilst I'm the biggest judgeypants where somking is concerned, I'm 44 and just about everyone of my age had a mother who smoke throughout pregnancy, and all our childhood years, in the house, in the car, {vomits and turns green emoticon} you name it, and most of us born in the 50's 60's and 70's were formula fed. There are still quite a few of us knocking around, going fine....in spite of everything.

That doesn't mean it's ok, boys and girls.

To be fair I do have asthma now, and I did have chronic bronchitis as a baby.

Thanks loopyloops I am very sad to hear your dd died .

Oh and my mother fed me my first solids at 3 weeks.

FellatioNelson I now know it is wrong but what you just said is kind of why I did think it was okay my whole life my family smoked my nan smoked while holding her babies, my mum smoked in my house all my life made no attempt to cut down while pg. No one has asthma,excema in my family

So by not smoking in the house,car around children and cutting down to 3 I actually thought I was doing good at the time.

I agree overall - hid a few thread for the flaming and name calling some people get.
And my heart always sink a little when I get a reply on something I have dared to post.
Call me weak / stupid whatever, but I have long working days in an environment where motherhood is not to be mentioned - I thought for a while that MN would be the place to get to speak with others about kids stuff etc... not quite sure about it now.

Don't worry about it Slushy.
If it makes you feel better I got smacked while I was in the footwell of a car for asking my aunt not to smoke as I felt sick. But then I was given a neon pink Wham bar instead of a dinner as a treat.

My mum's standards have definitely gone up in the last 25 years, judging by the way whe treats her granddaughter compared to her daughter. Can you imagine any of that happening today?

Thanks wuter No I can't see it happening today, I complained about my mum giving my ds, age 4 crisps on the way to school everyday and then I remembered me having crisps everyday it was common then.

Ah now, FellatioNelson you are going down the road LoupyLoops protests against!

No no, I don't mind people expressing their views, but if she were to say:

"my sister is pregnant and hasn't given up smoking now I must kill her / will never speak to her again / won't go to the baby's christening "

Or

"You stupid cow how could you smoke? You don't deserve your children".

that is what I protest against!

FN's POV is reasoned and gentle (ish, dog poo?) and not personally insulting.

c'mon people, this is turning into a judgy thread.......

I remember when pregnant with DS1 being horrified that some fool on babycentre had said "if you drink while you are pregnant you may as well force feed your baby alcohol"

I was disappointed to note the self same nonsense being spouted on the "am I allowed to have a teeny tiny drink even though I am 2 weeks pregnant" thread.

IMO, MN is in danger of turning into BC.

Christian Rock, anyone?

My DH and I were talking about this at the weekend when coming home from a visit to MIL, who chain smokes. He said that she would smoke in the car continuously with all the windows closed when he was a kid. I'm an ex smoker but Gawd, that would have made me feel so ill.

Slushy - don't be too hard on yourself.

The children of smokers smell of fags - DS1 said that he didn't like sitting near one little girl because "she smelt like Mimi (MIL) - of cigarettes* .

Ha ha I actually bought a face mask when I was a child and wore it every time my mum lit up, seriously! yes i hated her smoking fucking horrible. thing is smokers are selfish (myself included when I smoked) and so not smoking in certain situations is hard.

Thankfully neither me or my mum smoke now. bloody ex smokers are the worst

sorry OP YANBU it is so nasty on here sometimes. I dont like the way people are picked to shreds

I love to judge others and often do it behind peoples backs but like someone has already posted there is a real person behind all of these posts. When you post on here you often dont know the full story. I would personally hate to upset someone on here by being too judgy and nasty but im sure others dont give a shit. Thats life.

Just dont miss peoples kids off your wedding invites ok?

Thank you LL. I know it's a very emotive subject, and it's easy for me to spout about because I have never smoked. I hope I would never make it personal - I'm sure people deal with their own guilt, they don't need me to rub it in! But sometimes if the opportunity presents itself, it's good to let people know how it felt for me, the child on the other end, as it were.

I think that probably hits home more than any amount of judgey lecturing.

I always think that if you post in AIBU though you need to expect a flaming sometimes. So, I wouldn't post on AIBU if I didn't expect to be disagreed with or felt less than robust.

On most of the other threads it's more supportive and although people are direct it is done with the best of intentions - sometimes posters need a mirror held up and most are grateful for it.

Yes ITPINYH, but to be flamed or disagreed with isn't the same as people being rude and hurtful. Sometimes they are. No need, IMO.