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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if a court order....

26 replies

OnlyWantsOne · 13/07/2010 16:47

that my violent and abusive ex partner is allowed to have contact with my DD, who is 3... and has seen him 4 times (in a contact centre) in the last 4 months - gets to have unsupervised access, and the court order says its ok for his new partner and her other children get to have contact also, that I should at least know who the fuck she is??

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/07/2010 16:52

you have no rights whatsoever to 'check her out'...or her home,or her kids.

just like he has none to check out your new partners,babysitters or anyone who comes into your home

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 13/07/2010 16:55

my DP has had a CRB done by CAFCASS...

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/07/2010 16:56

everyone with access will have that....new partner included.
any welfare issues with his new gf or him even?

ChippingIn · 13/07/2010 17:15

How come he has been granted unsupervised contact so quicky??

Are you worried about him at all or just her?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 13/07/2010 17:29

I know her kids have suffered from abuse in the past (sexual) and their behaviour was being so destructive they were not allowed to attend school full time - they are between the ages of 5 and 9

He was violent and abusive towards me.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 13/07/2010 17:33

Can't you fight the supervised contact to continue for a bit (whole lot!!) longer???

I really feel for you, there's no way I'd want to hand a child over to them. I hope you find a way around it.

GypsyMoth · 13/07/2010 17:45

assume she no longer has contact with her dc abuser?

your ex was abusive to you,so courts expect a relationship with dc to continue. contact centres arent long term and there are waiting lists,expensive etc...so you do the time allocated and move out of centre to unsupervised asap. if he jumps through those court imposed hoops,he is then free to move on....despite what other parent thinks....cafcass are happy with it?

mamatomany · 13/07/2010 17:48

I'd move to the other end of the country and then tell him he can see the children whenever he likes to make the 200 mile drive, bet he does it once if that.

GypsyMoth · 13/07/2010 17:50

he could file a prohibited steps order to block any move....to move then regardless could result in a transferral of residency....would you still consider moving?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 13/07/2010 17:55

Im 5 months pregnant, Ive had my legal aid revoked - the court hearing is on Monday, and Im representing myself.

However he;s just bought a new house, and him and his "wife" work full time - and hes got full public funding... fair how?

I cant afford the £1000+ to have my solicitor attend court on Monday.

Shit.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/07/2010 17:57

too late for a mckenzie friend?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 13/07/2010 17:58

think so sadly

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 13/07/2010 18:02

OWO - bloody hell, at times like this I would LOVE to be a lawyer and be able to afford to work without charging a fee...

How does he get pubic funding?

Is there anyone who could give/lend you the money (parents, siblings, friends)??

(LOL - I hope your 'name' doesn't mean children - cos it's a bit late for that!! ).

compo · 13/07/2010 18:02

Poor woman and kids though to move from one abuser to another

Vallhala · 13/07/2010 18:03

YANBU.

As much as it won't please a lot of readers, I'd tell the ex where to put his court order.

I'd then move to a completely different area where he wouldn't have a hope in hell of finding me.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 13/07/2010 18:04

I cant move, im expecting a baby - my dp and I are moving to a new house so we can finally live together full time and he can commute.

I cant run away from him

The report is full of innacuracies. I literally can not take any more.

this is making me ill

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/07/2010 18:07

which hearing will it be on monday> have you had the cafcass report yet?

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 13/07/2010 18:07

i have the cafcass report - yes

its monday afternoon (i think)

OP posts:
Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 13/07/2010 18:09

Vallhala - I havent spoken to my x in 2 years. Not once.

Now I am expected to meet him, and hand over my DD..

The last thing he ever said to me was that he was going to fucking kill me - as I drove off to the police station with a broken hand (which hed stamped on) and torn clothes

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/07/2010 18:09

if you moved away his solicitor would just issue one of those seek and find orders and track you straightaway through NI number/child benefit/tax credits....then you could go to prison for breach of your order,and lose residency.....not fair on the dc is it?

aimee0211 · 13/07/2010 18:09

No advice as I have no experience but really wanted to give you a hug (if that's ok lol)

It's awful what you're going through, especially as it seems you pretty much have no choice in the matter, but want you to know that I'm thinking of you and good luck for Monday...you never know things might swing your way

GypsyMoth · 13/07/2010 18:10

sorry...i meant which kind of hearing? but i think if the report is back then it will be to enforce cafcass recommendations. what do they recomend?

mamatomany · 13/07/2010 18:15

Really whitecherry ? My neighbour just moved to France and there was bugger all her ex could do but then he wasn't the type to bother pursuing her either, but it seems it's not an option for the OP anyway.

Original poster
OnlyWantsOne · 13/07/2010 18:16

I dont want to run away.

I dont want to hide the truth from my DD - I will be honest with her about her parentage

but I want justice - and fairness - not total biass towards the man that has just jumped through the hoops and done the minimum to get by.

OP posts:
aimee0211 · 13/07/2010 18:17

Oh wait, I lied, I kind of do have experience, except I was the child, so my mam was in the same position as you, abusive ex wanting visiting rights, went through the courts...he got the visitation rights and as far as I remember (was 4yo at the time)did come a few times on a Saturday, most times I sat for hours on the doorstep waiting for him and eventually he stopped coming all together...think after maybe 2 months or so and I have had no contact with him since...so what I'm saying is just because he gets the unsupervised visitation rights doesn't mean he will definitely exercise those rights forever more IYSWIM.

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