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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have shouted at my dad this evening?

57 replies

booyhoo · 12/07/2010 22:41

i grew up with shouting as the norm. if you are angry, you shout, if you are giving someone a ticking off you shout. it wasn't the sort of shouting that you use to let someone no you are angry, it's the sort of shouting you cant help when you lose your temper. my dad was particularly bad. i dont shout at my children, i can be very firm but i dont shout. it isn't the norm in our house, i hate it and i get cross with OH when he shouts. (he had similar upbringing)

tonight i was at my parents' house for dinner. afterwards we were sitting in the living room and ds2 (14 months) toppled backwards and hit his head off the tv unit. my dad immediately shouted (i don't know to who exactly, he just shouted) and swore about the "f*cking child's head" and "get him away from there". i was on my feet and at ds as soon as it happened, the shouting continued even though i had lifted him. i immediately spun round and shouted back at my dad "who do you think you are shouting at?" (i am aware i was also shouting but that was the point, i needed to shout at him to make him realise what it felt like) he was a bit shocked and looked at me for a few seconds but then started shouting again saying "i was concerned for the child." (rubbish, the 'child' stopped crying as soon as i lifted him, he was fine, the shouting continued apportioning blame) i shouted back at him telling him there was absoloutely no need for him to shout, and who did he think he was shouting at, we are all adults and are capable of speaking to each other in a normal voice. my mum sat open mouthed and then said "well what are you shouting for?" to me. i explained, to which she replied, "i'm afraid to open my mouth sometimes." menaing she didn't like my assertive response. now i am 24 years old and havent lived at home for 5 years. i support myself and ask nothing of my parents. i have two dcs of my own. was i really being unreasonable to not want to be shouted at by my dad? it has been so much a habit in their lives that they see it as the normal way to communicate but i was really shocked. i am an adult, i wouldn't put up with anyone else shouting at me, why should i let my dad just because he is too set in his ways to learn a better way to talk to someone?

just to add, i have now decided to give my family a wide berth for a while.

OP posts:

OnEdge · 12/07/2010 22:47

Well done for realising this and tackling it. I am 39 and I still jump if my Dad shouts. Also I get told by mu Mum that they darent say anything to me because its like walking on eggshells. They are unaware of their own behavoir, and only see my response to it.

YANBU You are being brave. The shouting is like a form of violence I think.

Original poster

booyhoo · 12/07/2010 22:49

i cried on the way home in the car though.

OP posts:

FlookCrow · 12/07/2010 22:49

YANBU

Original poster

booyhoo · 12/07/2010 22:51

it was definitely used to scare us as children. i remember mum always saying "now, behave yourselves, you dont want dady to start shouting" i hate shouting, it makes me feel like a tiny child. i just want to stick my fingers in my ears and yell "STOP SHOUTING".

OP posts:

PortiaNovmerriment · 12/07/2010 22:51

I sympathise. I have just had a set-to with my brother and it's ruined my whole evening. I cried when I got in too. Knobboid.

loopyloops · 12/07/2010 22:54

I think you are brilliant to manage not to shout much after your upbringing, and well done for sticking up for yourself when he was alarming your child.

Original poster

booyhoo · 12/07/2010 22:54

same here BOF, i feel really drained now. i had a really lovely day out with the dcs and thought i would just have a nice relaxing evening. now i feel shit. i know they will be sitting discussing it, wondering what the hell has rattled my cage. they aren't the sort of family you talk to about how you feel so this will all be ignored and no-one will ask why i did it so he wont change. he will just think i was moody.

OP posts:

Original poster

booyhoo · 12/07/2010 22:55

loopy i really felt for ds1 (4) he isn't used to it at all and he came straight over and cuddled up beside me. it was all i could do to contain the tears til i got into the car.

OP posts:

larks35 · 12/07/2010 22:58

YANBU to have a go at your dad, when he decides to have a go at you.

But from your story, I do think he was just upset to see your DS hurt himself and it sounds like he didn't know what to do with himself, so just shouted and tried to blame you.

I have to say that I do give my dad a hell of alot of slack these days for his odd reactions. He's 72 going on 99 and any little thing can stress him out in a big way, particularly young children hurting themselves.

Original poster

booyhoo · 12/07/2010 23:03

larks i agree, he is a panicker. he panicked and did what he always does, shouted. but why should i tolerate it? jsut because it is his automatic reaction doesn't make it right. it is a running joke in our family and extended family that my dad has a bad temper and likes to shout. he knows this himself. he laughs along with them. still doesn't make it nice for me or for my ds to see someone shouting at his mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

booyhoo · 12/07/2010 23:05

mum told me the other day that he threw a complete wobbly because he didn't know how to print something off his new laptop. i am so glad i wasn't there with the dcs. i have actually had to leave the house before because he started about something not going his way. i dont want my dcs thinking that is normal or being scared by him.

OP posts:

Animation · 12/07/2010 23:08

Booyhoo.

You did good !!

Animation · 12/07/2010 23:09

..The buck stops with you.

scanty · 12/07/2010 23:11

I'm surprised it took you this long to stand up for yourself. I was never a rebel or anything but me and my dad clashed from quite a young age (lived in a house where we used to dread 11pm when the pub closed to see what kind of mood he was in). My older sister never really argued back but I coudn't help it. Why should you just accept his bad behaviour, though maybe shouting back isn't the best way to deal with it. My dad was a bully and I hated that we were just expected to keep quiet and try an not annoy him.

Original poster

booyhoo · 12/07/2010 23:18

as a teen we clashed alot. loads of screaming matches both with mum and dad. mum always said i was 'wilful' her word for stubborn. the thing is, this is the first time in a long time that it has been directed at me as i haven't lived there in years. usually he is shouting about or at someone else. they all do it, mum, dad and my sister but i am never the recipient. but when he did it this evening it just felt so wrong. i haven't been shouted at like that since i was a teenager, and then i was 'normal', i shouted back. but since being in my own home and having my own children i just realised how not normal it is to behave like that. he gave me the opportunity to tell him and i took it.

i agree, shouting back was not the best way to prove my point but i needed the shock factor. usually when he goes off on one, everyone rolls their eyes and tries to ignore him. i dont want to ignore him i want him to stop shouting at me.

OP posts:

PortiaNovmerriment · 12/07/2010 23:22

My brother shouted at me over something stupid that he is wrong about. I told him to go fuck himself, which was quite satisfying. But it ruined my evening- I am only just calming down now.

scanty · 12/07/2010 23:47

I don't blame you for instinctively reacting like that. I hate that some folk think they can shout and act as they like and everyone else just has to accept it.

Original poster

booyhoo · 12/07/2010 23:51

OH's dad is very much like that scanty. far worse than my dad, he throws his weight about in public. he is a real bully. i think it was him that woke me up to how wrong it was. i couldn't bear for my dcs to be the recipient of it and even worse for them to start doing it to each other or me.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 13/07/2010 00:33

booyhoo - sorry you had such a crap night. Your Dad is in the wrong, you did well to stand up to him - make sure you do it if it happens again. Although your DC's might not have liked it, it wont hurt them to see you standing up for yourself and not accepting his behaviour!

BOF - sorry you had such a crap night too... my brother is an arse as well, we rarely agree on anything and he acts like a complete git too - you're not alone!

IMoveTheStars · 13/07/2010 00:40

Fantastic that you don't shout at your own kids after your shouty upbringing (I struggle with this myself)

You need to perfect your cold, scathing, seething, uber disdainful voice for use on your Dad in this situation. (My own Dad hates it )

Original poster

booyhoo · 13/07/2010 00:46

tbh jareth, it just never happened. i was really laid back when ds1 was born. i dont remember ever being stressed with him. it was just the two of us then and we rubbed along nicely so i never really had cause to shout. well maybe i did but i just didn't shout. it has never felt appropriate. if i get frustrated i find it easier to sit down for a few minutes and then tell ds the score in a nice calm voice.

OP posts:

IMoveTheStars · 13/07/2010 00:50

sounds good.. I'm all short tempered. ,so have unfortunately shouted at DS on occasion, thankfully it's a very rare thing and usually just when he wallops me in the eye

he's a lovely sweet one though, adn melts into a sobbing heap if I tell him off, so no need for the shouting anyway (though my Dad still feels the need to tell him off )

kickassangel · 13/07/2010 00:58

ooh, this is just like my dad. i was always the 'difficult' one who shouted back & refused to be talked to like that. my mum pretty much enables it - he's the man, he had a stressful job, i was his daughter so should show respect. etc etc.

dsis & i agree it made our childhoods less happy. last time i was home (feb) dad & i had a little shouty match, and later mum tried telling me off & saying he was my father, he couldn't help it, i should grow up & not answer back.

i am 41. if someone shouts at me & treats me rudely, i will grit my teeth for so long, but then retaliate.

i did manage, just not to tell mum that if she hadn't stood up for him, maybe dsis & i would have had a happier childhood!

sadly, my mother is of the generation that believes someone having a dick makes them a king, even when they behave like a dick. personally, i think having a dick, behaving like a dick, makes them a dick.

fwiw, my dad would shout in a situation like this, cos he would be stressed, but doesn't realise that his response is inappropriate.

Original poster

booyhoo · 13/07/2010 01:02

yes kickass, thats the thing, my dad doesn't realise it is inappropriate. it is his automatic response to anything stressfull. just to add, my mum and dad both had very abusive upbringings. dad's was particularly brutal so they both did very well to have raised us both with little more than a slap now and again. but still, i dont think it does him any harm to be shown that just because it is how he has always behaved, it doesn't make it right.

OP posts:

BaggedandTagged · 13/07/2010 01:03

Both my parents (but mainly my dad) were shouty, my sister is also shouty (there was always lots of door banging and yelling in our house- definitely arguments, not discussions), and I growing up trying not to exacerbate rows has made me really conflict adverse, which I think can be a real disadvantage in adult life. Not that I think you should go about picking fights, but you shouldnt do everything you can to avoid them at your own expense either.

Determined not to be shouty mum myself but famous last words, eh? Ask me again in 3 years!

Should add that my parents weren't bullies. They just have no volume control when agitated. Cant really explain it.

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