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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have shouted at my dad this evening?

57 replies

booyhoo · 12/07/2010 22:41

i grew up with shouting as the norm. if you are angry, you shout, if you are giving someone a ticking off you shout. it wasn't the sort of shouting that you use to let someone no you are angry, it's the sort of shouting you cant help when you lose your temper. my dad was particularly bad. i dont shout at my children, i can be very firm but i dont shout. it isn't the norm in our house, i hate it and i get cross with OH when he shouts. (he had similar upbringing)

tonight i was at my parents' house for dinner. afterwards we were sitting in the living room and ds2 (14 months) toppled backwards and hit his head off the tv unit. my dad immediately shouted (i don't know to who exactly, he just shouted) and swore about the "f*cking child's head" and "get him away from there". i was on my feet and at ds as soon as it happened, the shouting continued even though i had lifted him. i immediately spun round and shouted back at my dad "who do you think you are shouting at?" (i am aware i was also shouting but that was the point, i needed to shout at him to make him realise what it felt like) he was a bit shocked and looked at me for a few seconds but then started shouting again saying "i was concerned for the child." (rubbish, the 'child' stopped crying as soon as i lifted him, he was fine, the shouting continued apportioning blame) i shouted back at him telling him there was absoloutely no need for him to shout, and who did he think he was shouting at, we are all adults and are capable of speaking to each other in a normal voice. my mum sat open mouthed and then said "well what are you shouting for?" to me. i explained, to which she replied, "i'm afraid to open my mouth sometimes." menaing she didn't like my assertive response. now i am 24 years old and havent lived at home for 5 years. i support myself and ask nothing of my parents. i have two dcs of my own. was i really being unreasonable to not want to be shouted at by my dad? it has been so much a habit in their lives that they see it as the normal way to communicate but i was really shocked. i am an adult, i wouldn't put up with anyone else shouting at me, why should i let my dad just because he is too set in his ways to learn a better way to talk to someone?

just to add, i have now decided to give my family a wide berth for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
booyhoo · 13/07/2010 01:12

i dont think mine are bullies either. they just never learnd a better way of communicating. shouting was all they knew. anger management didn't exist in 'their' day if you are pissed off you explode. that is what they know.

OP posts:
BaggedandTagged · 13/07/2010 01:38

Booeyhoo- I guess at least they didnt get mental problems due to suppressing their feelings

Still remember when I walked on my dad's car and dented the roof. He was like Dennis the Menace's dad!

abbierhodes · 13/07/2010 09:26

Booyhoo, what's he like when he's not shouting? Can you talk to him about it?

I have a similar problem with my mom, but with her it's swearing. During arguments she used to swear at me, even though I'd never dream of swearing at her. But I talked to her about it, and how it made me feel, calmly, and to be fair she's tried to stop.

pjmama · 13/07/2010 09:36

I don't blame you for losing it, but shouting back doesn't solve anything. Next time he starts to shout, leave. If he asks where you're going, tell him calmly that you're not willing to stay here and be shouted at.

Original poster
booyhoo · 13/07/2010 14:33

pjmama you are right, i should leave and i have in the past when he has started but something just clicked in my head last night when he was shouting that i was an adult and didn't deserve to be treated like that. next time i will leave and tell him why.

abbierhodes i cant talk to him at all about anything more than what tv programme was on or where he has been working. he is just quite a hostile person and he would have another go if i brought it up again. he cant take criticism at all even if it meant we got on better.

OP posts:
peeringintothevoid · 13/07/2010 16:44

Frankly your dcs were probably much more unnerved by you shouting than they were by your dad's shouting.

BrightLightBrightLight · 13/07/2010 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

onepieceoflollipop · 13/07/2010 16:50

My fil is like this. And when challenged blusters and makes excuse. It makes me feel very angry and protective of my dcs.

I removed us all on one occasion (literally walked out; mil was seething that we had questioned her dh's obnoxious behaviour and as we were leaving tried to throw us out.)

Clearly we were in the wrong. The dcs had accidentally bumped into a small table and spilt a few drops of water from a vase. The table tilted very slightly. Nothing more than that and he screeched and yelled and went like this and would not calm down.

In the end I said very coldly that he should stop lying (he had claimed that the dcs had knocked the table right over which was an outright lie) and also he was not to shout at my children.

We had all kinds of excuses from him. Apparently it is common practice in primary schools for teachers to shout at the dcs routinely (according to fil)

Original poster
booyhoo · 13/07/2010 18:10

frankly peering it was the whole situation that unnerved them. i accept that my response did not help the situation but i did not cause it and ds was already startled when my dad started shouting.

OP posts:
Original poster
booyhoo · 13/07/2010 18:16

it was certainly common practise in my primary school onepiece but that was 20 years ago. i wouldn't expect ds to get shouted at now in school.

OP posts:
LC200 · 13/07/2010 18:53

is going to keep this thread at the front of her mind the next time the red mist descends and I start shouting like a fishwife.

I grew up in a household where it was acceptable to shout and call names (ALL the time). I never, ever call my children names. They are never ever, ever told they are stupid, weak, pathetic, greedy, lazy etc as I was regularly. But I shout. Far, far too much. It's my automatic response to that feeling that I am losing control. And there's no excuse as I am a teacher and I don't do it to the kids I teach.

ashamed

Original poster
booyhoo · 13/07/2010 18:57

well, it's good that you can see that you do it LC200. now you just have to work on it. count to 10/leave the room/ sing a song. whatever it takes to give you a minute to gather yourself and put things into perspective.

OP posts:
LC200 · 14/07/2010 08:53

Thank you, and sorry for hi-jacking. I think the thing is I never really saw it as damaging to the kids before, but I see that I have been kidding myself.

Haven't shouted yet this morning!

OP sorry you had such a crap evening, but I am very grateful to you for posting - and I am sure my kids will be too!

YetAnotherIssue · 14/07/2010 10:12

YABU If you expect your parents to change a life long habit that they don't view as wrong.

It would annoy me as I have not been brought up in that environment but you have two options - stay away or accept them for who they are.

ConnorTraceptive · 14/07/2010 10:26

What do you do when it's your DH that won't change?

claig · 14/07/2010 10:32

YABU your dad was shouting in panic and concern for your DS, he was flapping around to warn of the urgency and danger. It is like when someone shouts "fire fire" even when they are out of danger and the fire brigade are dealing with it. He wasn't having a go at you, he was concerned for your DS. I would apologise to him, and tell him you misunderstood his intentions.

ConnorTraceptive · 14/07/2010 10:37

My DH shouts in panick. Drives me F-ing bonkers as it cause more problems than it solves. DS wasn't sitting properly on his chair once and in a panick DH shouted "CAREFULL! WATCH OUT ON THAT CHAIR" startling ds so much he fell off.

It's a completely unnecessary way to handle things

claig · 14/07/2010 10:39

it's a normal human response. It's because the danger was so great and the person shouting is helpless and powerless, there is nothing else to do but shout and warn of danger and release the pent up fear by shouting or screaming or crying. It is like the aftermath of a serious accident, people will still be screaming and crying even though the immediate danger has passed.

claig · 14/07/2010 10:43

it's like a near miss car crash, you will still be muttering "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God" for minutes afterwards because you are in a state of shock.

ConnorTraceptive · 14/07/2010 10:47

Well in this case it would have been better all round if DH had taken two steps towards ds and physically removed him from the chair. I can understand in a life and death situation but day to day hazards of bumps and knocks do not require such dramatic responses FGS!

claig · 14/07/2010 10:51

all humans are different and the OP's father was truly shocked by the fact that her DS nearly banged his head on a jagged corner. None of us are robots, we are all emotional and he cared so much and was in a state of shock that his natural response was to shout. Many many people act in exactly the same way and it is entirely normal and there were no bad intentions involved in the shouting at all. He must have been taken aback when the OP shouted at him, because he couldn't understand what he had done wrong. To him it was an entirely normal response that anybody would have made in similar circumstances.

Original poster
booyhoo · 14/07/2010 12:21

i completely agree with you all, it was his automatic response. he is a panicker. but he was shouting at me apportioning blame. it did not feel good to have someone speak to me like that. i agree that it is a habit and he will probably never change. that doesn't mean i should tolerate him shouting at me. i wouldn't let anyone else shout at me like that and i am definitely not letting him just because it's what he has always done. i dont need that and my children dont need to see me being shouted at. he can continue on shouting at the rest of the worlda s much as he likes but i am afraid me and my dcs wont be there. there are better ways to communicate with people and i expect my dcs to learn them.

OP posts:
claig · 14/07/2010 12:41

booyhoo, please reconsider a bit. I have been shouted at in the past and sometimes still am, and sometimes I also shout. It's done in the heat of the moment or out of panic, it's all water under the bridge, nothing to bear grudges about. I think it is fairly minor, think of all the good qualities he has. If he ever finds out that you are avoiding him due to his shouting, he may be really offended that you react in this way. Is it worth it over some shouting in the heat of the moment?

Original poster
booyhoo · 14/07/2010 13:01

claig, i totally get that. it was heat of the moment, knee-jerk reaction. but the thing is, it is always heat of the moment for him. tiny things are an excuse for him to explode. it is completley insane the things he kicks off about and it isn't fair on those who bear the brunt of it. my mum has said to him in the past that his behaviour is ridiculous. he shouts when there is absoloutely no reason to shout. it stresses out everyone that i there. if he does understand that i am avoiding him for this reason then he has a choice to make. i am sorry but i am not going to tolerate being shouted at and i am not going to let my dcs be upset like that, and inevitably be shouted at themselves.

OP posts:
claig · 14/07/2010 13:24

I know what you mean, I have some strange relatives in my family, they say annoying things or criticise all the time. But I have come to understand their strange ways and try to ignore it because I know that it is instinctive for them, they can't help it. I think that family is so important that I make lots of allowances for family, which I would definitely not make for non-family members. However strange your family is, it will nearly always care more about you and your kids than non-family.