to think some mums act strange or am I strange?

[upsetfedup1]

Why do some mums invite my DC to their house for a play date, use it as an opportunity to quiz me about my life, what I do etc and then feel the need to snub me the next time I see them?
Why do some mums have no interaction with me in public but want to be my best friends in private?
Who do some mums like to focus on my misfortunes and try to cover up their own?
Why do some mums like to highlight the one time my DC misbehaves in public where their child is an awful, spoilt little madam, constantly?
Who do other mums always try to outdo you when you are simply sharing the fact that you had a nice weekend (well you did ask!)?
Why are some mums feel threatened because you are a professional mum/or you drive?
Why do some mums play this competitive game of ? ?how many other mums did you say hello to this morning?? every morning?
Why do some mums think it is OK for them to blatantly walk past you but then be ultra shocked when I return the favour the next time I see them?
Why do some mums (even some in their 40s) revert to play ground behaviour by whispering and trying to get others to ostracise you from a clique that you never wanted to be in the first place?
Why do some mums thrive on making others jealous?
Why do some mums laugh at my mono-lingualism
Why do some mums turn their children against other mums because of their own personal views?
Why do some mums only want to talk to you when certain other mums are not around?
Why are some mums conveniently never around when their children terrorise other children?
Why do some mums always want my DC to come to their house but will never accept an invitation to mine?

I am sensitive, yes I admit that. I do not expect everyone to like me but sometimes the school run and its politics just gets me down. I try hard to be pleasant and consistent with all parents. Some I have more interactions than others but sometimes it?s the ones that you think you are making a headway with always kick you when you are down or just stab you in the back. All in all it just hurts!

My DH says it is jealousy, that I unknowing inspire others and make them feel inadequate at the same time, as I seem to ?have it together? whatever that means!!
I do not really know what others may or may not possibly see when they look at me but I feel constantly underestimated or made to feel irrelevant, or one that ought to be kept in my place. I look like the youngest mum in the class and i 'm unmarried does that have something to do with it? I don?t look ultra trendy, but I try to come across confident for the sake of my DC but at times I am quaking inside.
I often look at myself. they cannot be all wrng and i right, I have changed my approach and how I deal with it all but even after 2 years i feel like it is 2 steps forward and 3 steps back

All I really would like is one close parent friend at the school who does not feel like they want to compete, who I can talk to without feeling like I have revealed too much or not enough. Why is it so difficult for me. I was getting somewhere or so I thought and then I noticed another mum who mysteriously stopped talking to me watching my blossoming relationship with another mum and she went and targeted my ?friend? and my ?friend? over time became less of a friend. I feel so stupid even writing this as I feel like I am back at school surely there are others going through this too or is it really that I am over sensitive or maybe just not a nice person or not popular enough.
PLEASE HELP

EffJay, Hoopy and anyf*er and so many others thank you so much for your helpful words.

Olivia - sadly yes
The realisation for one mother was so shocking that she literally bumped into a lamppost on the street as she desperately tried to pretend that she did not see me as I waved to her from behind the wheel. (and I was not showing off in a fancy car i was happy to see her as I sat behind my old banger)

I know alot of what I listed seems petty and hard to believe and overeactionary. I do have friends but they di not live nearby, i am not chavvy and loud, I try to come across confident but not cocky

maybe I am a little low with other things happening in my life and it is taking its toll but it is reassuring although very sad to learn that I am not the only one out there experiencing this.

I was like this when my DC started school, my advice. Grow a thick skin, don't give a s*.

OP - you are definitely not the only one.

I too have noticed cliquey-ness (is that a word? lol) at the school gates, some people will only talk to you if they are on their own but ignore you if they are with other people, its all quite subtle but i do believe that it goes on. its hard not to care isnt it?

but I do agree that if you are feeling low generally then this kind of thing will affect you more.

BTW, I have a friend with a DS with learning difficulties, he is only 6 bless him, but because the other kids don't like him and dont want to play with him because he is "different", none of the other mums speak to my friend (yet all speak to eachother) and she often sees them whispering to eachother while blatantly looking at her, and she never gets invited to anything and her DS doesnt get to invited to birthday parties etc....now that to me is outright bullying. so i do think that a lot of mums do revert to being bitchy schoolgirls in this kind of situation.

Actually, on the 'not talking to people when they're with someone else' I do that all the time, I don't want to interrupt them. It's got nothing at all to do with being funny with them.

It's easy to think you know people are being nasty about you, but really they're just doing what we're all doing, and getting on the best they can.

Is it possible the way you think about it OP may be out of perspective? That could sound like I'm stating the obvious, but by what you've said in your OP either you don't have it in perspective, or you are a very unlucky person to live in a place where just about everyone is a nasty fucker. Surely that can't be the case?

Assuming that your hyper-sensitivity and over-analysis isn't the root of your problems, I'd confirm that there's absolutely no reason why having children that attend the same school equals means you'll have anything else in common with other parents.

Also, and with respect, you seem to have highlighted some truly bonkers things that, in RL, people rarely use as justification for ostracising anyone. You can drive? Well so can millions of us. Speak more than one language? Welcome to the Cunning Linguists Club. Focus on your misfortunes? Do you publicise them then?

So have a look back at what you've written and ask yourself whether you aren't a walking self-fulfilling prophecy.

OP you describe the situation at our school gates to a tee.
YANBU it gets you down after a while.The best thing is teh give these social climbers a wide berth and look out the 'normal mums'.You can bet your bottom dollat there are a lot of them feel the same way as you do.

Screw them, really just get on with your own stuff and stop saying hello.

Hmm...I'm not trying to make light of your situation, you sound like you have very low confidence, and I know how that feels. But honestly, I have never come across anything like this in the 6 years that I've been doing the 'school run'

Are you sure that you're not seeing things that aren't there? I know I can get paranoid sometimes - usually when my period is due! - but surely people wouldn't be like this with you all the time?

Saying that, I've never understood how or why people get so involved with playground politics. I'm of the opinion that you just drop your DC off, and then pick them up. I'll definitely not be one of those mums that arrive at 8.30am/2.30pm (seriously!) so they can stand around and gossip with each other. That's not to say I haven't met friends there, I have, but we see each other out of school times.

Maybe you could try and find some friends that aren't involved with the school?

I'm not at the school gate stage of things, as DS1 is only 17 months.

However, I have to agree with some of the others, over some of your points.

I often - completely unintentionally - blank people who I don't know very well. My eyesight isn't 20:20 - not bad enough to wear glasses all the time, but not good enough to instantly recognise people I don't know very well. I'm also in my own little world sometimes, and just don't notice people. I have sometimes realised who people are after they've gone past and when I've realised I've blanked them, I feel dreadful, and go out of my way to compensate the next time I see them. They probably think I'm right temperamental old bitch - friendly one day, blanking the next.

Also, as ZigZag says, if I'm in conversation with one person, I probably won't interrupt them to speak with someone else, as I'd consider that rude.

All I'm trying to say is that what seems like rudeness, may in fact not be anything of the sort.

I know it can be difficult, but I'd try not to assume the absolute worst of these people - I'm sure not every single one of them takes the school gate politics as seriously as your OP suggests.

I live in the sticks and we mums are lovely here but when I have on the odd occasion collected my godson from his primary school in south west London, the behaviour of some of the mums there have made me wince. Uptight, competitive, snobbish, urgh. Not everyone is like that of course - my friend is lovely and has found other mums with a similar laid back view as her own.

Maybe you are being a bit paranoid, maybe you do need a thicker skin - sadly there are some very insecure people out there.

Hope you've not added any to what the OPs already worried about mary

Just be yourself OP

I wonder what you would say to your teenage daughter if she came home from school talking about her classmates like this? Would you say some version of "Honestly, most people are too busy thinking about their own lives to be tat concerned with yours"

Are you in this country, by the way? If you are, I would be amazed if anyone laughed at your mono-lingualism!

Monolingualism?
First time I heard that one?

HAve they said to you ' We are laughing at you for your monlingualism'?

I really dont understand how this would become an issue?

ANd how do you know they ar threatened because you drive? I am sure you are not the only one who drives.

Very odd list of worries.

But how on earth can you assume that she bumped into a lamp-post because she was jealous at you driving?
You seem to be making a lot of assumptions, presumably you can't read minds?

I'm sure I sometimes say hello to someone, or exchange a few words, and sometimes walk right past them, but tbh I don't even remember who's who or who I've spoken to a lot of the time (terrible memory for faces), or I'm not in the mood to chat, or I'm looking out for someone who I need to speak to, or something.

Sometimes people just get it wrong and it's nothing to do with you.
I'd be amazed if anyone noticed who I spoke to from one day to the next.

Are you in Wales?

It's an epiphany when you realise that practically no one gives a shit about you, thinks about you, cares enough to comment.

Most perceived slights are down to a bit of shyness, a bit of tiredness, a bit of awkwardness, a bit of foot-in-mouth and then when they do see someone they're friendly with, a bit of overdone laughy relief.

But seriously, you only speak one language? Sniggers into copy of Oxford Today

I have to say that you are beginning to sound like my DH, and he suffers from clinical paranoia...

Everything that happens around him is always "everyone trying to make themselves look better" or "everyone trying to do other people down to make themselves look better". When he is driving everyone is either "jealous that we have a nice car" or "driving like an idiot because they don't want to be overtaken by our crappy car"...

Trust me, absolutely trust me on this....people are NOT going around thinking like this...

I've never seen any behaviour like like at my school, but I deeply suspect that for some of the shy mummies they feel maybe that it goes on....trust me, I'm not in a competition to see how many people I can say hello to...I just say hello to people because I'm polite and friendly....

I'm not asking you questions to interrotgate you about your life,...I'm trying to make conversation and find out if we have some common ground/interests etc..

I'm not ignoring you if I don't say hi - I'm probably pretty stressed - I have 3 hildren to get out to a school drop off, one hates any weather and screams, she also often falls over and skins her knee,,,,there is a good chance I've had "words" with my Dh just as we are leaving, trust me, I'm not ignoring you, I just sometimes am a bit involved in my own thoughts...

Give these women a break...they are women JUST LIKE YOU, probably from very similar backgrounds with very similar issues and worries that you have....if YOU don't conciously think in a constantly competitive way, or try constantly to do down others or big yourself up, then I'll absolutely gaurentee that neither do these women.

Fucking hell that was a good post AllTogether.

I thank you....

And I need to change my name back to pre-world cup name...

Phew, back to my normal name now

Is it like putting on an old pair of comfortable jeans?

Who cares about a few women that you see for 5 seconds in a morning? It's your kids that are school, not you.

It seems like you are thinking and centering on yourself - so anything these women do is about you and their relationship to you.

Generally, it isn't. Get some filters up and only look at the positive experiences, don't take any notice of the negative ones.

People "blank" others socially all the time for all sorts of reasons and it simply isn't worth the time to bother about it! And people are competitive about their kids, particularly when their kids first start school. Just shrug it off! If folk want to have a little boast about their kids, let 'em, its pretty harmless really.

It sounds to me as though you are focussing heavily on matters at the school gate because you don't have much of a social life elsewhere and have low confidence. Getting a job would probably help with all this a lot imo. I don't mean this in a horrible way, but I think the problem is yours and that you need to change.

I don't mean that some of these women aren't behaving badly in some instances - just that its up to you how much it bothers you - try to take a step back from it all, you seem like a nice person, you don't need to take all this to heart!